gremlindog.com

From time to time I find myself lost in thought. Hopefully it doesn’t happen while I’m in the middle of something important, like when I’m operating a giant crane, doing crane things.

Last night was one of those thinking nights. I was by myself and hankering for some entertaining. And entertained I became.

Let’s start with a little backround information. I often go to a local Book/Music/Movie/Game Exchange place to find “new” games to amuse myself and last week found “March Madness 2007″ for a very affordable $14.95. I’ve never purchased a sports game brand new before in my life. They’re all essentially the same year to year, and you can save up to 80% off the original cost by waiting a few months. Sure, the guy on the package may no longer play for the team the he’s wearing a jersey for, but that sometimes happens even with the brand spanking new games.

Anywho. So I’ve enjoyed a plate of nachos and I’m ready to sit down and play my game for a bit. And I decide that this party needs a few more friends. Sure it may be the middle of the week, but I deserve to be happy right?

As you can see. I’m happy. And all of the sudden, totally wired.

(Let me pause here for a second to reassure you that I will get to the “thinking” part of this story, as promised at the beginning of the post. It’s just that in order to fully appreciate the “thought” you have to join me on the trip getting there.)

So, I’ve got energy to burn, and my game is just not going to cut it. So what to do? Well, for anyone that knows me, they know I love to clean. And that’s exactly what I did. I grabbed a bottle of Windex, a roll of papertowels, the vacuum and went to town. I realize this is more depressing than funny. But, maybe I can grab a smile off of you by saying that just before I started cleaning, I fired up the computer and turned on one of my favorite songs in the entire world… “Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya.”

Let me share a fews lines from the song with you.

“Where are the legs with which you run,
Hurroo Hurroo
Where are the legs with which you run,
Hurroo Hurroo
Where are the legs with which you run,
When first you went to carry a gun
Indeed your dancing days are done
Johnny I hardly knew ya

You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg,
Hurroo Hurroo
You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg,
Hurroo Hurroo
You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg
You’re a spinless, boneless, chickenless egg
You’ll Have to be put with the bowl to beg
Johnny I hardly knew ya”

(Be sure to check out the “Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya” Video below)

The song is kinda dark and it’s about a boy who goes off to war and gets his ass handed to him. The music is pounding and energizing and just absolutely rocks. It’s by the Dropkick Murphys and I swear, it’ll get you pumped up about anything. And I was certainly pumped up about making my humble home clean.

I’m sure it was quite the scene; me, drunk, cleaning, the Murphys pounding away with the same song on repeat for about an hour. But the home was cleaned, and my energy was drained. It was then that I returned to the game and my couch.

I’d already beaten the game once with WKU Hilltoppers, one of the several colleges I have attended over the years. I didn’t have much trouble beating the game with them, despite the fact that they were only a C-Ranked School. So I set out to find a school that was:

A.) Ranked Lower

B.) Lesser Known

C.) Had a Cool Mascot

I ended up with these guys.

The Iona College Gaels. Ever heard of them? Me either. But, it fit the description. And what better mascot then an angry Irishman. And no, that’s not a crutch, it’s a beating stick.

Now here’s where the “thinking” comes into play. As the game loaded I thought to myself. Am I the first to ever to play as this team?!?! Seriously, there is no less than 200 schools to chose from, why would anyone chose this particular team? I’m sure even the 3,322 students at Iona can find a team they like more. I can just see the guys in a dorm room at Iona…

“Hey dude, check it out, I got March Madness 2007!”

“March Madness 2007, why not 2009?”

“Dude, because I totally saved like 80%.”

“Oh, that’s totally smart thinking… I call dibs on the North Carolina Tarheels.”

“That’s fine dude, I already called dibs on everyone’s favorite Irishmen… Notre Dame.”

That’ll wipe that big Gaelic smile right off the mascot’s face. But, for what it’s worth, the 2008-2009 Iona Gaels Men’s Basketball Team is currently undefeated. Go Gaels!

So there’s my thought. Sorry it took so long. Have a nice day.

Pool owners are a proud people. Let me tell you, I own an above ground pool and it’s not even very big, but damnit, if I don’t strut out to get my mail everyday with my head held a little higher than my neighbor’s head. Never mind the fact that the poor guy is 70 something and bent over like a rotten banana. That’s not the point. Owning a pool seems to give people the impression that they are in some way better than others.
Sure, you have a body of water in your backyard. But, so does this guy… you don’t see him flaunting it.

As the manager of a Full Service Pool and Spa business, I run into some interesting people. Today was no different. So here’s the scenario. This lady walks in with that attitude that I’ve come to call “IownapoolandIamanassholebecauseofit syndrome” and proceeds to tell me about how this and that is wrong with her pool.

“How do I fix it?” she asks.

“Well ma’am, you need to… blah blah blah,” I answer.

“Oh, I know how to do that, and I already have everything I need… I’ve had this pool for 14 years.”

Here we go, this is where it gets good. She’s made the effort to tell me that she’s been a pool owner for half of my adult life. As if I could give half a shit. This is always the point in the conversation where I want more than anything to say something along the lines of…

“Well, look at the time, I better get going. I’ve got lunch with Miley Cyrus, Al Gore, Morgan Freeman, and that lady from the Pine Sol commercials…we’re going to figure out what to pack for our trip to the moon. You see… Miley, Al, Morgan, Pine Sol lady, and myself, we’re going on the first civilian flight to the moon.”

Just to see the look on the lady’s face, it would so be worth it. But, I don’t. I mind my manners and smile. However, she’s not done with me. She’s got more to say!

“The pool has been all my responsibility lately. My husband took a job in Florida, and so he’s never here to help out with this pool. Haha, he’s got his own pool down there to take care of.”

“What does your husband do?” I ask, knowing I’ve made a critical mistake.

“Well,” she smiles that boy this is a doozie smile, “He is a Astro-chemical-surgeon-political-inventor-engineer-scientist.”

Sketch Artist Rendering of Husband

“The company he works for fabricates… blah blah blah… they make the material used in the… blah blah blah… Emergency vehicles at the NASCAR Races. He may-”

“Get to race in a NASCAR Race?”

“No, ride in the pace car at the next race.”

“Oh.” I sighed dejectedly.

I could just imagine the aforementioned husband terrorizing the NASCAR Track in his Delorean.

Actual NASCAR Photo with a Delorean and Kick Ass Flames Added In

That would’ve been a kickass end to this story. But, instead, the lady bought $32.08 worth of stuff. She gave me $40 and then proceeded to do one of the things that pisses me off more than anything.

“Hold on, I’ve got the change.”

And she hands me a quarter. No lady, you don’t have the change. You have some change, but you don’t have THE CHANGE.