The 30 Most Bizarre Santas The Internet Has To Offer

There’s something entertaining about putting a random word into a search engine and seeing what the internet provides. It’s an entirely different story when you put in a word that should provide perfectly normal results, and you come up with things like the following. These are The 30 Most Bizarre Santas The Internet Has To Offer, enjoy!


#1. Santa Fights The Devil

It’s a known fact that in his war against the devil, Jesus recruits Saints to help in the battle. Santa, or Saint Nick was always found in the front lines. Here it looks like he caught Satan off guard during a performance of Hamlet.


#2. You’re Doing It Wrong Santa

This is either Santa’s evil twin brother Stan Claus, or he has never experienced Christmas before. The colors are red and white Stan!


#3. Santa the Deer Charmer

You might be thinking… “Hey what’s wrong with Santa playing a saxophone, that’s cool.” But, what’s really going on here is that Santa has studied the art of Snake Charming… sadly he’s substituted the usual snake, for Blitzen.


#4. Santa macks on some Ho Ho Hos.

About one out of every 10 Santa images on the internet brings either a Sexy Santa Chick or a pic of Santa with a Sexy Chick. This is our favorite. She didn’t even bother dressing up in holiday attire, she’s just a hoe.


#5. Santa Battles The Flash

Sure, we could assume that Flash made the Naughty List, and therefore Santa is only doing what is necessary. The bigger question is: Why are there three gun toting, short wearing Santas?


#6. Santa Visits The Baby Jesus

He was left out of most Bibles, but according to this, Santa was indeed at the manger along with the other wise men. He didn’t bring frankincense, gold, or myrrh. Santa brought what Jesus really wanted, a Nintendo Wii.


#7. Santa Twins

Honestly, we’ve got nothing on this one. Santa battling his evil twin Stan for a maraschino cherry? Anyone have any clue?


#8. Santa Arrested

It was bound to happen. Santa is finally arrested for Breaking and Entering.


#9. Santa On Vacation

Everyone deserves a break from their jobs. But isn’t there some kind of rule about men with bellies full of jelly keeping their shirts on at the beach?


#10. Santa Battle Halloween Man

The caption in the top right says it all… “The Battle That Had To Happen, Halloween vs. Christmas!” The battle for holiday supremacy is one thing, but why in the hell are there three Fetish Nuns!?!?!?


#11. Buttplug Santa Statue

Sure, you could make the excuse that Santa is simply holding a poorly made Christmas Tree in his hand. You could…


#12. Smoking Is Cool Santa

Before is advertising contract with Coke came into play, Santa had to do something to make ends meet.


#13. Santa The Ass Kicker

Halloween Man better watch his back, because this Santa means business.


#14. Shaka Santa

It’s all groovy in Santa’s neighborhood. We just wish the picture was taken a little farther out, it’d be awesome to know what the statue is to the right.


#15. Santa Riding A Reindeer Scooter

At Christmas, Santa uses the sleigh pulled by reindeer. The rest of the year, he rides this piece of crap.


#16. Santa Shits Candy

We’ll quote Family Guy’s version of the Crazy Mickey Rooney on this one… “Open up your stockings kids!”


#17. Santa Plays The Bongos

First, why would Santa ever need to play the bongos? Second… the “Try Me” sticker is a sad attempt at selling a ridiculous concept. “Try me… please?”


#18. Naked Santa

Nothing says boner like a naked chick. Nothing says limp dick like a naked Santa.


#19. The Night Jesus Met Santa Claus

We bet the illustrator of this book nearly lost it when he was given this task. “Um, yeah… we need you to draw Santa… on the floor of a house. With Jesus pointing at him. No, seriously.” We bet that CD is priceless too.


#20. The Night Christmas Was Ruined For Everyone

At one point, everyone’s dad probably dressed up as Santa in a ploy to woo us into believing in a little Christmas magic. This, would be like doing the exact opposite.


#21. Santa Moped Army

In America, we have the Hell’s Angels. In Japan, there’s Santa’s Moped Army.


#22. Washed Up Santa

You try living with a bunch of elves and see if it doesn’t lead you to drinking yourself stupid.


#23. Scary As Hell Santa

Someone please hold us.


#24. Eco-friendly Santa

Everyone has to do their part to save the planet.


#25. Santa Doom

The Fantastic Four thwarted Dr. Doom on hundreds of occasions. On this one, we bet they just let play out whatever retarded scheme he had thought up. You know, just for laughs.


#26. Cracked Out Of His Skull Santa

The insane thing about this one, is that someone actually thought this was a good example of what ol’ Saint Nick looked like.


#27. Dear Santa Claus…

Dear Santa Claus…. We’re sorry that we made this graphic, we were drunk and have no idea what we were thinking.


#28. Santa Speared By A Jet Plane

Oh, we bet the big wigs at the airline just thought they were hilarious when they thought this up. It probably was funny, right up until the first couple of kids arrived to board the plane.


#29. Live Phone Calls From Santa

Officially the worst Sex Chat Hotline in the world.


#30. Santa Riding A Rocket Ship

What really happened when Rudolph couldn’t guide his sleigh.


If you’ve seen or heard of a weird and bizarre Santa, tell us about it in the comments section!

10 Greatest Funny Christmas Movies Ever

These are the 10 Greatest Funny Christmas Movies Ever. They’ll put you in the Christmas spirit while making you laugh… hard to beat. Enjoy!


#10 – Deck The Halls

Starring: Matthew Broderick & Danny Devito

From: 2006

All and all an entertaining movie, but the part the always brings the most laughs is when Matthew Broderick’s character Steve asks the Santa Dancers “Who’s your daddy?” and finds that his own daughter is one of the dancers… priceless.

Memorable Quote:

Buddy Hall: I want my house to be seen from space!


#9 – Jingle All The Way

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger & Sinbad

From: 1996

One of the few movies that Arnold is not trying to shoot or destroy something, full of funny bits, with the best being his parts with Comedian Sinbad.

Memorable Quote:

Myron Larabee: I work for the post office so you know I’m not stable! Tell ’em!
Howard Langston: This man is totally insane.
Myron Larabee: Thank you!


#8 – Eight Crazy Nights

Starring: Adam Sandler

From: 2002

A funny animated film from Adam Sandler about a guy that just doesn’t like Christmas much, plenty of funny bits, most of which involve Whitey.

Memorable Quote:

Davey: Hey jelly jugs, next time you come to my gym you better wear a bra.

Whitey: He’s was just kidding son, you’ve got very nice breasts.


#7 – How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Starring: Jim Carrey

From: 2000

The live action version of the original animated classic, starring Carrey as the Grinch himself. The best part by far, is any time that the Grinch belittles Cindy Lou Who.

Memorable Quote:

Cindy Lou Who: Thanks for saving me.
The Grinch: [
stops in his tracks] Saving you, is that what you think I was doing? Wrongo. I just noticed that you were improperly packaged, my dear.
grabs wrapping paper and starts wrapping Cindy up]
The Grinch: Hold still.
to Max]
The Grinch: Max, pick out a bow.
to Cindy]
The Grinch: Can I use your finger for a sec?


#6 – Four Christmases

Starring: Vince Vaughn & Reese Witherspoon

From: 2008

A story about what all of us dread, the many houses we have to attend around the holidays. Hilarious because each family visited has a little something in common with our own. Except for maybe our mom’s dating our old best friends.

Memorable Quote:

Jim: I’m not trying to be your father, I’m hoping for a chance to be your friend.

Brad: You were my friend, you were my best friend, but now you’re sleeping with my mom and it’s a little bit weird for me.


#5 – Bad Santa

Starring: Billy Bob Thorton

From: 2003

The worst side of Christmas rears it’s ugly head in the form of Billy Bob Thorton as a mall Santa in this hilarious “Christmas” movie. Best part, Willie waking up to Christmas music on his alarm clock radio and dropping about 15 F-bombs.

Memorable Quote:

Sue: I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seeded childhood thing.
Willie: So is my thing for tits.


#4 – Fred Claus

Starring: Vince Vaughn & Paul Giamatti

From: 2007

A great movie about how the other half of the Claus family lives. Vaughn plays Fred, the brother to Santa Claus who doesn’t have it quite as Holly Jolly as is brother, as seen when his brother Santa, parents, and his girlfriend attempt to stage an intervention.

Memorable Quote:

Fred: Santa’s having some trouble getting the sled off the ground?
his mother plugs her ears]
Mother Claus: [
singing] Jingle bells, jingle bells…


#3 – A Christmas Story

Starring: Peter Billingsley & Darren McGavin

From: 1983

Where do you begin with this classic that covers every nuance of the holiday season from an evil mall Santa, to school bullies. You could list a hundred best parts of the movie, but the Leg Lamp easily outshines them all.

Memorable Quote:

Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult:[narrating] Football? Football? What’s a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out ‘football’.
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult:[narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.


#2 – Elf

Starring: Will Ferrell & James Caan

From: 2003

By far the most hilarious part of this movie is Buddy trying to hug a raccoon, but the entire movie will make you laugh.

Memorable Quote:

Gimbel’s Santa: Now what can I get you for Christmas?
Buddy: Don’t tell him what you want, he’s a liar.
Gimbel’s Santa: Let the kid talk.
Buddy: You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?
Gimbel’s Santa: Just cool it, Zippy.
Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.
Gimbel’s Santa: Look, I’m not kiddin’.
Buddy: You’re a fake.
Gimbel’s Santa: I’m a fake?
Buddy: Yes!
Gimbel’s Santa: How’d you like to be dead, huh? Ho, ho, just kidding.
Buddy: You stink.
Gimbel’s Santa: I think you’re gonna have a good Christmas, all righ
Buddy: You smell like beef and cheese, you don’t smell like Santa.


#1 – National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Starring: Chevy Chase & Randy Quaid

From: 1989

Funniest Moment: Though the entire movie is worth a thousand laughs, the shining moment has to be when Cousin Eddie arrives and Clark does a double take. From there, it’s all gut busting laughs.

Memorable Quote:

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I’m doing just fine, Clark.

5 TV Commercials That Don’t Make A Lick Of Sense

Have you ever been watching television, enjoying some soft core porn your favorite family friendly sitcom, when it was interrupted by not only a commercial, but the stupidest commercial in the world?

It’s happened to all of us at one time or another sure. But, isn’t there a point where it’s just gone too far? Shouldn’t there be a limit to the stupidity that is television advertising. Don’t get us wrong, we love a good commercial. But, we hate the bad ones.

Here’s some of the worst.


The Company: British Airways

The Commercial: “There’s a Whale at the Airport”

Don’t get us wrong, we think marine animals are great. Nothing cuter than a dolphin doing whatever it is a dolphin does. But, at the airport? No thanks. Unless that dolphin is going to bring some coffee and donuts while we wait for our flight to board. That’s cool then. Maybe a mermaid flight attendant, now that’d be hot.


The Company: Head On

The Commercial: “Maybe it’s Chapstick for Your Head”

It basically looks as if the woman in the commercial is using chap stick on her forehead. Maybe that’s what this product is. Perhaps it’s lip balm for a dry and irritated forehead. You know, from wearing a hat or a wool sock cap too long. The only thing worse than an itchy forehead is an itchy ass… we need “Ass On.”


The Company: Truth-Anti Smoking Advertising

The Commercial: “Unicorns Sing About Cigarettes”

It looks like the audience at the end of this ridiculous commercial are pretty much in the same boat as us. Asking the question… “Huh?” Seriously, what the hell do unicorns and leprachauns have to do with smoking? We could probably buy into this if, and only if, Puff the Magic Dragon was in on it, “puff”ing away at a cigarette.


Company: Vitamin Water

The Commercial: “Kelly Clarkson and the Cobra”

Despite how awesome the dude at the beginning of the commercial is, this spot for Vitamin Water falls just short of making us want to buy water. It’s sad really, because the product is great, flavored water makes regular water taste like bleh. We’d shower in the stuff if it wasn’t a dollar a bottle. Even so, we still think about it.


Company: Burger King

The Commercial: “Whopper Junior is a Bastard”

We love burgers. We don’t love people in burger suits. This just seems like a feeble attempt at Burger King to capitalize on the success McDonald’s had with Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac. Besides, what appeal does an asshole Burger/Human Hybrid freak child have, certainly doesn’t make us hungry.


What’s the wackiest commercial you’ve seen on television? Tell us about it in the comments section!

6 Medicines That Have The Freakiest Warning Labels

It’s a fact of life that medicine is a part of our lives from the minute we’re born. We’re given antibiotics and vaccinations before we even leave the hospital.

What the hell is that?

Everytime we have a runny nose, stomach ache, or elevated temperature, our Moms are tossing nasty tasting stuff down our throats. It only get’s better as we get old, the elderly pretty much live on a diet of pills.


But, man, some of these medicines have some pretty scary warnings. It’s not a matter of “which ones” either, because pretty much every medicine that does anything, has a warning, side effect, or caution that would give anyone the heebie jeebies. Sure, it might cure your itchy bug bite, but if it can also turn your hair green you might think twice.

Can barely feel the itch anymore!

Here’s some common Medicines That Have The Freakiest Warnings, enjoy!


The Medicine: Advair

What It Does: Treats Asthma and Long-Term Lung Disease


No, we didn’t choose to capitalize all of those letters just to put emphasis on how scary that warning is. An asthma medicine that kills people with an asthma related death. Now wait a minute. Where’d the go wrong in the planning of this? We’re not doctors, but surely a medicine should do the opposite of what the disease does, right? That’s like saying, “Sure Mr. Smith, we can help with your Alligator problem, we’re just gonna line the perimeter of your home with a moat filled with Crocodiles.”

Hey, all of the gators are gone, you can come out now.


The Medicine: Ambien

What It Does: Sleep Aid

Why It’s On This List: “SOME PATIENTS TAKING THIS MEDICINE have performed certain activities while they were not fully awake. These have included sleep-driving, making and eating food, making phone calls, and having sex. Patients often do not remember these events after they happen.”

So this is a like the equivalent of getting totally trashed out of your mind. Alcohol also makes you very sleepy. People also tend to think they can still drive, they get hungry, they drunk dial, and they have sex. They also never remember any of that happening.

No I’m not drunk… she is, but I’m fine… seriously.


The Medicine: Paxil

What It Does: Anti-Depressant/Anxiety Relief

Why It’s On This List: “FOR MEN: If you experience a prolonged, painful erection, stop using this medicine and seek immediate medical attention or permanent problems could occur.”

The best part is that the company felt the need to say, “Hey, this warning is for guys only.” As if a woman would be reading the back of her medicine bottle, see that she might indeed suffer a hurtful hard-on, and throw the medicine away. It’s frightening that something so awesome, boner; could be paired with something so terrible, prolonged pain. But, perhaps the scariest part of this warning. “Permanent problems could occur.” That gives us goosebumps, because the problems hinted at here, are for guys only. And the only thing guys have that women don’t, is something that we never, EVER want to have permanent problems with.

You may feel a little discomfort while taking this medicine.


The Medicine: Ibuprofen

What It Does: Treats Mild Pain

Why It’s On This List: “CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience sharp or crushing chest pain; sudden shortness of breath; sudden leg pain; sudden severe headache, vomiting, dizziness, or fainting; changes in vision; numbness of an arm or leg; slurred speech; one-sided weakness; sudden unexplained weight gain; change in amount of urine produced; severe or persistent stomach pain; vomit that looks like coffee grounds; black tarry stools; itching, reddened, swollen, blistered, painful, or peeling skin; yellowing of the skin or eyes; dark urine; right-sided tenderness; severe or persistent tiredness; fever, chills, or sore throat; severe or persistent nausea; swelling of hands, ankles, feet, face, lips, eyes, throat, or tongue; difficulty swallowing or breathing; or hoarseness.”

Holy Shit! We just wanted to get rid of this little headache we have from drinking too much last night. Now we run the risk of having just about every possible side effect known to man happening to us. From a little pill. Throw that whole bottle away now! Let the raccoons deal with it.

Raccoons… headache free, but full of rabies.


The Medicine: Yaz

What It Does: Birth Control

Why It’s On This List: “CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience a missed menstrual period; breast lump or discharge; calf or leg pain, swelling, or tenderness; change in amount of urine produced; chest pain or heaviness; confusion; coughing up blood; fainting; irregular heartbeat; left-sided jaw, neck, shoulder, or arm pain; mental or mood changes (such as depression); numbness of an arm or leg; one-sided weakness; persistent, severe, or recurring headache or dizziness; severe stomach pain or tenderness; slurred speech; sudden severe vomiting; sudden shortness of breath; symptoms of liver problems (such as yellowing of the skin or eyes, fever, dark urine, pale stools, loss of appetite); unusual or severe vaginal bleeding; or vision changes (such as sudden vision loss, double vision).”

We’re not normally one to judge, but, in this case we feel obligated. This might be a case where it’d be better to use a condom. A condom might cause a little awkward moment before doing the deed. Yaz however, will cause you to cough up blood, give you stroke like symptoms, and possibly make you go blind. Best part is, birth control pills are only 99% effective. So, on top of all this, you might still get a kid… yay!

No, I don’t think it’s mine… doesn’t have my eyes.


The Medicine: Cymbalta

What It Does: Anti-Depressant/Anxiety Relief

Why It’s On This List: “SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include blurred vision, constipation, decreased sexual desire or ability, diarrhea, dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, headache, increased sweating, loss of appetite, muscle aches, nausea, sore throat, tiredness, trouble sleeping, or vomiting. CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience bizarre behavior; confusion; excessive sweating; dark urine; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; fever or chills; hallucinations; loss of coordination; new or worsening agitation, anxiety, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, restlessness, or inability to sit still; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin.”

First of, none of these possible side effects is going to help anyone that already suffers from a problem with depression and anxiety. Can you imagine the Doctor that has the balls to say to his patient: “Jim, I realize you are having trouble dealing with crowded places and the stress involved. That’s why I want to give you this medicine. Sure, there’s a slight chance you might have “…new or worsening agitation, anxiety, panic attacks…” but that’s fine. Because you’ll also be bombarded with new found “…aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility…” so it should all turn out just fine next time you head to the mall.

The Cymbalta Riots of 1912.


The lesson here, read the fine print!

Tell us about some weird warnings you’ve spotted on some common medicines in the comment section!

Making Money Without A Job

Making ends meet is never an easy task. Even for those with College Degrees, Special Training, and Dedication, finding a way to pay the bills is sometimes next to impossible. But, what if we were to tell you that there are people making a decent living, and they’re doing it without jobs? No, we’re not talking about whores. Whoring is an occupation, just ask your mother. We’re talking about…


Sperm Donation-Potential Income $48,000 Per Year

Heck, it’s the one job you’ve been training for since middle school!

Sperm Donor Class of ’88

And the opportunities are only as limited as your own libido. For just a couple minutes of their time a typical donor can net around $100 for an Anonymous donation and up to $500 for an Open I.D. donation. Keep in mind that compensation is based strictly upon the region, individual bank, and of course whether or not you’re ugly. Open I.D. donors have accessible files that clients can look into online to see whether or not her future baby daddy was a cute baby, has dark hair, or claims the I.Q. of a small dog.

The process is fairly simple. A back round check of you and your immediate family will guarantee that you aren’t a freak show, and basic health screenings will prove that you can physically handle the gauntlet of porn they’re about to throw you into. That’s right, these folks want your semen, and they’re making it easy for you to fulfill their desires by putting you in a nice quiet room with a bunch of porn. See, you’re getting turned on already and we haven’t even shown you to the room.

Check in, do the deed, and deliver your sample to the nurse’s face. Nah, you’ll drop it off at the check out desk where you can make your appointment for the next week. That’s right, the Sperm Bank of New England tells us that it is required that donors make deposits every week, and are encouraged to come in every 3 days! Some donors are known to donate to more than one sperm bank every week and they are thus able to secure a reasonable monthly income, around $4000. With more than 500 sperm banks in the U.S. an extra randy fellow could travel and donate to several each day. At even $100 a load (get it, load!), and shortages of qualified donors, your willy could net you hundreds of thousands a year.

But, the donation gravy train doesn’t end with sperm. Women too can get in on the action by donating eggs. And we’re more than a little jealous at the money opportunities here. Supply and demand however plays a major role in ability for a woman to receive between $5,000 and $10,000 per Cycle.

It’s also encouraged that you refer a friend, family member, or co-worker to receive a nice $750 bonus. If you’re like us and have a lot of friends, well, you’re set to clean up.

My network… of sperm donors.

According to the Xytex Corporation, around 75,000 children are born every year in the United States thanks to the efforts of Sperm Donors.

“You’re welcome.”

And it seems that new issues pop up every day where Donor Dads are getting into trouble. Just last December a case went to court where a Sperm Donor was forced into paying for child support. So, if you went for the bigger check and chose Open I.D. Donation, get ready to have your life ruined in 18 years when you have to send your 900 kids to college.

Street Entertainers-Potential Income $25,000 A Year

We’ve all seen guy with a guitar hanging out by the subway station with his case opened before him. And you’ve probably dropped a quarter in feeling sorry for the poor homeless man. But, don’t let the sad song he’s playing fool you. He’s just doing his job as a busker. And that job can pay anywhere from $10 to $20 an hour depending on how good the he is and where he’s located. Most of that income is had on busy nights people are out seeking entertainment on the town.

World Famous Johnnie Mac has dedicated himself to the future of Street Entertaining and has written a book on the subject. “The Art of Successful Busking” covers everything from what to do, where to do it, to of course proper placement of your tip jar/hat/bucket. Johnnie tells us on his website that he’s been a street performer for over 15 years, and during that time he has succeeded in “traveling the world, meeting amazing people, making new friends, getting job offers in the entertainment industry, and living the life of my dreams.” And the best part in his mind was the fact that he was “making a fortune… in fact, more than triple what I was making in the job I left behind. In many cases I was making 5-6 times what my friends were were making and doing it in a much shorter time.”

Of course not everyone is going to make it big right away, but, for many, busking is a means to an end. A step toward stardom. The Blue Man Group, Jimmy Buffet, Pierce Brosnan, George Burns, Bob Hope, Jewel, Jimmy Page, Penn and Teller, Rod Stewart, Simon and Garfunkel, Bob Dylan, and Robin Williams all started their entertainment careers on the streets.

This is none of the people listed above but he’s probably loaded.

Even Moby, who is labeled as a mainstream artist, takes to the street from time to time to pay homage to busking roots. He recently performed a show in the Sloane Square Subway Station in London. Local travelers, tourists, and homeless alike were all equally annoyed.

Street entertainers have been around for a long time and there’s plenty of ways of making a living no matter what your talent is: playing instruments, miming, performing comedy routines, fortune telling, and the ever popular living statue. There it is, the perfect job for your deadbeat roommate!

“Hey this chick’s great! But the guy could use a little work.”

It’s perfectly legal in most places as long as you don’t interfere with traffic and business. But, where you don’t have to fight the community, conflicts and fights over pitch do happen. Career buskers may try to maintain a “right of pitch” over others. Generally it is considered first come, first served. But,  And there’s even a sort of “Busker Code” that street entertainers follow which basically states “This is my street corner, and if you try and set up shop here, I’ll stab you.”

Human Guinea Pig-Potential Income $50,000 A Year

Science and health care go hand in hand. And for as long as mankind has been practicing medicine, we’ve been essentially experimenting. Kind of, crossing our fingers hoping we don’t fuck this up. But, the key to science is trial and error. For every experiment there has to be a variable and a constant. You friends, can now get paid to be that variable!

Best part is, anyone can do it. According to Covance, a large testing firm, “Volunteer compensation is based upon time and participation, thus the greater the time commitment, the higher the stipend. You will receive payment in the form of a check which can be directly deposited into your checking or savings account.”

Those checks can really add up too. One current study that consisted of two stays of 2 days/1 night showed that participants will receive all study-related exams at no cost and will receive $1,500 for time and participation. Not bad for a couple days work. Covance has Test Centers in Indiana, California, Wisconsin, Texas, and several other states.

If taking pills isn’t your thing, many medical schools like Georgetown and the University of Kentucky have programs that allow civilians to become a  “standardized patient”—a trained person who is paid $15 an hour to be poked and prodded by inexperienced fingers. By using this method, students have the opportunity to make life hell for people that aren’t sick and get the training they need at the same time.

The history of the human guinea pigs first finds root in recorded history around 300 B.C. A couple of fellas named Herophilos and Erasistratus are credited with the establishment of the first great medical school in Alexandria. Both men were instrumental in the discovery of the workings of the human body including the circulatory system, the eyes, and the nervous system. With the addition of being great scientists, many believe them to also be great murderers. Their patients were prisoners that were vivisected against their will.

“Hey, Herophilos look. This dude is also really gross on the inside.”

Of course, things have gotten better today right?

“Last week, six very healthy men suddenly wound up in a London hospital in critical condition.”

Well, other than that.

“Earlier this month, 11 otherwise well people tested positive for tuberculosis, according to Montreal’s health department.”

And that.

Truth is, studies today are much safer than they’ve ever been, and are essential because the use of animal testing is limited by the fact that the test subjects are animals. And it doesn’t matter how many cute outfits we put them in, that fact remains.

Sure, he may be an executive, but he’s still a monkey.

Begging- Potential Income $100,000 A Year

Sure, begging isn’t anybody’s cup of tea, and it’s certainly nothing you’d want to brag about at your class reunion. But, when the possibility arises to make money for nothing, you know you want a piece. How does $300 a day sound? That’s exactly how much a police survey found panhandlers outside Wal-Mart in Coos Bay, Oregon can make. Inside, it takes a clerk a week to make that much. The Police Chief in Coos Bay says that most of these people have lived in the city for some time, and even have homes. “This is just their chosen profession.” We’re pretty sure that if this whole internet thing falls through, we know what to fall back on.

We almost feel bad for even bringing up begging as an employment opportunity. That was right up until we saw this news story.

The news piece goes behind the scenes, and by scenes we mean around the corner with a camera, to spy on a girl who panhandles for a living. Her gimmick is that she was living with her boyfriend and he kicked her out. Now she just needs to raise a little money to buy a bus ticket to get back home. Sad story huh? Would you like to send her some money to help her out? Shouldn’t be a problem since she lives in a fucking house.  When the reporter asks her about her living situation, she says “Man, you just don’t know what it’s like.” At least she’s honest. We don’t know what it’s like to scam someone.

The camera crew interviews passerby’s who have given her money, and they figure up that her potential income could be around $27,000. Yeah, we know it’s crazy, we did the research! Just to give you a comparison, according to, the starting salary for a Credit Analyst with a Bachelor’s Degree: $27,000.

But the panhandling job market isn’t limited to America. The options are wide open if you want to travel as well. Russian journalists discovered a whole village of panhandlers, in the Republic of Mordovia. Local specialists say that Naiman panhandlers can make up to 40,000 rubles a month (about $2,500).

In case you’re thinking of picking up a new career, please check out this handy “How to Guide for Panhandling.” The guide covers everything from swallowing pride and location to the importance of cleanliness and sending Christmas gifts out to your regular suckers, err…benefactors.

Dumpster Diving-Potential Income $100,000+ A Year

The “art” of Dumster Diving is the only job from this list that hosts a site dedicated to it’s craft, that is for Members Only, Dumpster divers are a proud bunch, and that’s because they don’t want you in on it. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure; and in this case, their bankroll.

The true prize of dumpster diving is scrap material. Many metals are selling at all time highs on the market. Copper, Steel, Iron, Aluminum, and Tin all fetch fair prices at recycling stations and scrap yards. According to the City of Cincinatti Ohio’s Recycling website, Americans discard 2 million tons of aluminum cans a year. That’s 4 billion pounds, half of which you probably tossed in beer cans just last week. A pound of aluminum is currently worth 97 cents. That’s approximately $3,880,000,000 in potential income. How’s that for an answer to the National Debt? Sure, the average Dumpster Diver will never be able to gather all of those cans. Unless they’re some giant trash gathering monster, and if that’s the case, they might want to look into world domination as a profession.

The keen eye of a Dumpster Diver can locate discarded items that add up to big dollar signs that others see no use for and turn a profit on those items. It’s all a matter of need really. It’s things like old computers, entertainment equipment, furniture, and most importantly scrap metals that will bring in the most profit for a diver of dumpsters.

Jackpot Bitches!

The truth is, everything has value if you have a buyer. Petroleum wasn’t worth a dime until the modern machinery found it’s way into the world. Many divers find items that have been discarded and are still usable. Sure, you may not need that vibrator anymore, but a dumpster diver probably has someone on their Christmas list that does!

Other Dumpster Divers turn trash into art. The folks at Scrapyard Sculptures turn scrap metal into art. The artists sell action figures, lawn art, and more on their website. The items are built from mostly discarded scrap metal and the average item sells for around $20. Some high ticket items sell for a couple hundred.


Whether it be jerking off, singing a song, running on a human sized hamster wheel, bothering your neighbors for cash, or sifting through the trash for tin can, there are lots of creative ways to make ends meet. Sure, none of them are something you’d want to mention you do to that person you’re dating… but if it means the difference between driving a Hugo or a Hummer, the argument’s already been decided. We for one are gonna head to our “office” and make a “deposit” at the “bank”.


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