Women as we know them are an odd bunch indeed. It goes without saying that they are an enigma to any man who they come into contact with. But, oh how we love them. We attribute this love to 90% sex, 5% dinner, and 5% affirmation, but I think it’s more than that. Sure, those things all add up to a pretty good day, and they’re all essential to the well being of any man. Yet, there’s still more a woman brings to the relationship, and that is her quirks.
I can remember the first time I walked into the bathroom to find an odd container perched atop the commode.
“Honey!” I shouted, “Your sister left her baby wipes here!”
“No sweetie,” she assured me, “those are for you.”
For me? I remember almost passing out thinking she was pregnant.
“LOL!” she lol’d at me, “they’re great, and not just for babies anymore.”
And that’s what we’re here to share today. The nontraditional uses for baby wipes taught to me by my wife.
First and foremost should be it’s obvious use, bathroom cleanup. Babies of course have issues cleaning up their rear ends, so someone thought up the concept of easy to carry, always ready wet wipes. These wipes use water and a light cleaner or alcohol to clean faces, hands, and now bottoms. Nurses use similar moist towelettes to spot clean, as do people who enjoy ribs.
“If you think my face looks like a mess, wait until you see the other end.”
Of course these issues with cleanliness didn’t seem to be a problem for grown ups. We’ve gone hundreds of years without the use of baby wipes, why should we need them now. Heck, it wasn’t all that long ago that people didn’t clean themselves at all. So, why all the fuss about wet wipes for adults? Because we don’t wanna look like a bear with dingleberries.
The next, and more creative use would have to be pet clean up. Puppies have a tendency to get into all kinds of messes. Digging holes, rolling in stinky stuff, or getting into the garbage are all popular past times for a dog. You might say they’re assholes.
A dog, probably rolling in cat shit, being an asshole.
And if you own a dog, you know what an enormous undertaking it is to bath them. Unless they’re tiny sized and you can put them in the dishwasher, you’re forced to fill up the tub, grab fifty towels, and hope for the best. Of course, 9 times out of 10, the dog will exit the tub long before you’ve completed the cleaning process and will have his way with your home by spreading his wet dirtiness onto everything.
So, that’s where the handy baby wipe comes into play. Dog has dirty paws? Grab a wipe and clean him up. Dog has a dirty mouth? We told you to close the door to the closet with the litter box in it.
Next up, is after sex clean up. Hey, you’re not always ready to take a shower right? And the truth is you may not even be in a location where showering is an option.
Mile high club… no showers… 2 hour flight… gross
So, what’s the perfect little answer to this problem? Wet wipes. Whether you’re on a plane, a train, the car, or you’re just a lazy bastard that doesn’t want to get out of bed to walk 10 feet to the bathroom, wet wipes have the problem well in hand. They’re great for women and men. Finally, something we can agree on. You know what? This just might be the thing that brings peace to the world!
The final, and perhaps most important use for the baby wipe is the whore bath. In case you have no idea what it is we’re talking about, let’s check in with our friends at Urbandictionary.com to help clear things up. They define the whore bath as follows. “To wash up the stinkiest parts with a small washcloth and hot water in the sink – MAYBE a dash of soap, MAYBE.” Sounds gross right? Well, that’s not even the worst of the definitions. And no, we’re not gonna list the nastier definition, because we are above using tacky, tasteless humor.
Why take a whore bath? You’re no whore by any means, so what use would it serve you? Because sometimes, your hands are tied. Camping of course comes to mind where you may be without the luxury of a tub, soap, or running water. That’s when you reach into your bag, pull out a wet wipe and clean the dirtiest parts of your body. These places being the pits, crotch, and crack. The P.C.C. if you will.
Positive Influences are few and far between. It’s a fact of life that for every “Practice Safe Sex” advertisement you see on TV there’s 50 drunk girls at a party throwing themselves at you (actual number of girls throwing themselves at you can and may vary). Couple the odds with your own inebriation, and well… common sense goes out the window. We as a people are an easily influenced bunch. Tell us that something is cool, and we’ll buy it. Tell us we should eat something, and we’ll order four. Tell us that Amy Winehouse is a class act, and we’ll call you a liar and sock you in the face, but in the long run probably still buy her CD.
The moral of the story is, we need all of the Positive Influences we can get in life, so we don’t go horribly astray and end up fighting our Jedi Master in a lightsaber duel with lots of hot lava nearby. Sure, we’ll end up living, but our skin will be all gross and no one will invite us over for poker night anymore.
One such place that Positive Reinforcement needs to return is in our Breakfast Cereal Commercials. As kids hovering infront of the part wood, part glass behemoths our parents called a television our young minds were attached like pit bulls to whatever the ad agencies had to throw at us. And we ate that shit up. I can’t begin to think of all the things that I demanded my mother buy me for no other reason then the television told me I should have it. If I were to make a list, first and foremost on that would be cereals. Just take Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Cereal for example, it had “Ninja Nets and Marshmallows” which were supposedly a part of a well balanced breakfast. I had to have it.
Cereal commercials had us wrapped around their fingers, and this was mostly due to the fact that the mascots themselves were so charismatic and colorful, that we couldn’t resist. So, other than hawking their highly sweetened wares to us, what other lessons are Cereal Mascots teaching?
Tony the Tiger rampaged onto the scene way back in 1952 as the result of a contest where he bested a Kangaroo, Elephant, and a Gnu to be the new spokes”person” for Frosted Flakes Cereal. No, I didn’t make Gnu up, it’s an actual animal.
“Who Gnu Frosted Flakes could be so good!”
The signature voice and catchphrase “They’re Grrrreat!” was provided by Thurl Ravenscroft who also claims fame for the song “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch.” Feel free to thank me next time you win Trivial Pursuit with that little factoid. Ravenscroft was Tony the Tiger for over 5 decades, but I doubt even he noticed the distorted message that his character was sending to youth in America.
The message was two-fold, Frosted Flakes are Grrrreat and by eating them, you can overcome obstacles that would otherwise make you pee your pants. Tony had kids polevaulting, swimming laps, and in this commercial riding the shit out of a horse.
“You kids wanna go on a horsie ride?” asks the bully.
Tony doesn’t miss a beat and says “Sure, just let me eat some breakfast first jerkoff, it’s 7 in the morning.”
And with that, he and his eager to please pupil mount up like a secondhand Lone Ranger and Tonto team up to show those guys who’s boss. Not only do they ride dangerously, but their recklessness nearly causes the bully’s to be cast off a cliff. Well, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but they did have to reign in rather quickly.
But, is this the kindof message we need to be getting; that we can overcome adversity with the aid of only a sugar coated bowl of flaked cereal? If the boy had the talent in the first place, he shouldn’t have to eat before proving himself. All that’s going to do is upset his stomach from the rough ride. Or, if Tony the Tiger is indeed right, and breakfast is all it takes to succeed, give me a bowl, I’m heading to Las Vegas.
“Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.” In TVland’s Top 100 Quotes and Catchphrases, that hate laced sentence was number 59. It’s imbedded in our brains, and there’s nothing that a Martin Luther King Jr. inspired cartoon rabbit is going to do to change our mind.
A great inspiration to man and rabbits everywhere
The Trix rabbit has a dream, and that dream involves eating a bowl of delicious fruity cereal. Not too much to ask is it? Oh, but it is. You see, “Trix are for kids.” Just like the front of the bus was denied to Rosa Parks, this cereal is not for bunnies. Discrimation is an awful thing, but, the Trix Cereal commercials seem to encourage it.
The Trix Rabbit has been trying to obtain a bowl of cereal since 1969 when the Cereal Tycoons high atop their thrones made of gold, gave the masses the right to vote on whether or not to give the poor mascot any food. And vote they did; a resounding “No” was the answer provided. Over the years The Trix Rabbit has attempted costumes, sneaky methods, and even a genie to grab just a taste.
Even the aid of a fucking genie doesn’t net the Trix Rabbit some delicious cereal. Of course, he kinda asked for it when he blew his 3rd wish on wanting “the kids to see him.” Little known fact though is that the Trix Rabbit does indeed finally get to enjoy some cereal. But, he first has to WIN A TRIATHOLON! The prize, a bowl of Trix cereal. That was actually in 1980, he hasn’t had any in a commercial since.
A long time favorite of chocolate fans, Cocoa Puffs has been a morning staple since the 1960’s. Back then Sonny the Cuckoo bird teamed up with his unoriginally named grandfather, Gramps, to speak of the wonders and magic of Cocoa Puffs. Sonny flies solo now, and one can only imagine that Gramps had had just about enough of the crazy behavior of his batshit crazy grandson.
Gramps and Sonny circa 1962
Cocoa Puffs, themselves a reflavoring of the popular Kix cereal, are enough to drive Sonny right off the deep end no matter what it is he was doing. But still, people rubbed the cereal in his face. If Sonny was painting a house and a person walked by eating a heaping bowl of Cocoa Puffs you better believe that bird would drop the paint and brush, fall off the ladder, and knock over crippled kid to get at the bowl. Sounds crazy right, well it is. The popular phrase Sonny is wont to exclaim “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” is now commonly used as a slang term for insane. It was even mentioned during the murder trial of Susan Polk in 2006 when her youngest son was testifying. He stated his mom was “Bonkers” and “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”
That’s right kids, what a well thought out idea. Antagonize the crazy person. Even though Sonny has obviously realized he has a problem and is trying to do something about it by secluding himself in the spacecraft. Although I’m not sure there is a space program designed by NASA that aided addicts in breaking the habit. If those kids don’t learn to leave the poor bird alone, next thing you know the 6 O’clock News will be covering a story of cereal killer. Get it? Cereal Killer.
Hitting People Is Fine, But Only If They Hit You First
Dig’em – Honey Smacks
Jumping on the scene in 1953 was Sugar Smacks. Now known as Honey Smacks, the cereal actually changed names due to it’s own mascot, Dig ‘em only calling the cereal “Smacks” in his commercial spots. I attribute this to the fact that Dig ‘em was a frog, and so shouldn’t be expected to A) remember the script or B) be able to read the script in the first place. Producers should be glad that the damn thing managed to wear clothes.
“It ain’t easy being green, or finding pants that fit our weird misshapen legs.”
Where Dig ‘em really had a problem was not touting a cereal he couldn’t remember the name of. Or that it shared a name with a drug. It was the fact that he encouraged children to hit each other in his commercials. Breakfast isn’t an MMA Fight Dig ‘em.
In order to avoid what we can only assume would be a nationwide street brawl amongst Honey Smacks customers, they changed their slogan to “I Dig ‘em” in 1991.
The original Cookie Crisp mascot, Cookie Jarvis is probably rolling around in his grave at the actions The Cookie Crook and Chip have taken to acquire a bowl of Cookie Crisp Cereal. The Crook and his dog took the stage in 1982 and, instead taking an active and responsible role in society by getting a job, began a life of crime which centered on the thievery of breakfast products. An act made all the more heinous because it brings up memories of the time a monkey stole my donut at the zoo.
WANTED: Dead of Alive
The Cookie Cop was dispatched to bring in the hoodlum, and time and time again was made to look an ass. It was a regular activity to see the Cookie Crook break into some secret cookie shaped cereal manufacturing factory only to be spotted by the Cookie Cop. The Cookie Crook would then grab some cereal, stuff it in a bag, and casually flip the bird to the cop as he ran away.
Not only do we have Burglary, but now let’s throw in Resisting Arrest, a 3rd or 4th Degree Felony in most states, on top of Reckless Driving. Why not just have the Cookie Crook expose himself to viewers while we’re at it. What’s a little public indecency when you’re living a live of crime? Eventually execs decided that the interaction was degrading to law enforcement, and hired a new spokesman. I bet the Cookie Cop just got so pissed he eventually paid off someone to send The Cookie Crook to sleep with the fishes.
Perhaps it’s due to the fact that he is actually an animal, but Sugar Bear isn’t a very nice person. Originating in 1963, Sugar Bear immediately began doing battle with the elderly Granny Goodwitch. Their brawls revolved around one thing and one thing only. Boxes of cereal. Sure, I imagine getting his hands on money to go out and buy a box of cereal might have been difficult for Sugar Bear, but that’s no excuse for stealing from an old lady. Even if she was a witch. I’m sure she wasn’t always such a bad gal.
Granny Good Witch: Pre Granny, Pre Regular Bear Attacks
Of course, Sugar Crisp cereal had benefits that rivaled even Popeye’s spinach. So it’s easy to see why the cereal mascot had to have it so bad. We would find out in later commercials that Sugar Crisp provided a “Vitaman Packed Punch” making Sugar Bear virtually unstoppable. Taking this “Crunch with the Punch” on the road Sugar Bear ran into all sorts of other animals that also wanted a piece of the goods.
Obviously not one to recall his own desire for Sugar Crisp back in the day, Sugar Bear doesn’t even consider sharing, and instead kicks the shit out of everyone. Alligators, snakes, and sharks could bring it, but they’d be going home looking like assholes. My dog likes to have a piece of cheese every now and then, you don’t see me grabbing her by the tail and swinging her around my head like a lasso.
It may all be unintentional, but most of these cereals have been around for over 40 years. And all the while, it’s the same unsavory messages they spew out like pea soup on the set of The Exorcist.
“Cereal with more sugar than fiber is good for you!”
It’s time to step up and change things. It’s all fine and dandy to foul up once or twice, but over the course of hundreds of commercials? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you still! I’m not taking the blame for your actions.
That’s right kids, it is a huge slab of meat stacked between two pressed grilled cheese sandwiches. Enjoy.
The Hamburger Fatty Melt
- makes 4 burgers -
1 pound ground beef *
Salt and freshly ground pepper
8 Very Thin Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
4 medium-thick or 8 thin tomato slices (optional but recommended)
1. Divide beef into 4 equal parts. Shape into square patties slightly larger than the grilled cheese sandwiches that will serve as buns. (Use a slice of the Pepperidge Farm Very Thin bread as a template if you’re uncomfortable eyeballing this.) Create an indentation in the centers of the patties—this will help maintain even thickness, as the center typically swells up when cooking.
2. Preheat a cast-iron skillet or heavy-bottom pan to medium-high. Meanwhile, in a nonstick skillet, prepare th Very Thin Grilled Cheese Sandwiches.
3. Salt and pepper both sides of burger patties liberally. Throw those suckers in the cast-iron pan, cooking them in batches of two if your pan isn’t big enough to hold them all at once. Cook about 3 minutes per side for medium. Remove patties from pan and let rest a couple minutes.
4. Sandwich patties between two grilled cheese sandwiches and top each with 1 medium-thick slice of ripe tomato. (Variation: Slice tomatoes thinly and 1 slice directly into each Very Thin Grilled Cheese Sandwich.)
From time to time I find myself lost in thought. Hopefully it doesn’t happen while I’m in the middle of something important, like when I’m operating a giant crane, doing crane things.
Last night was one of those thinking nights. I was by myself and hankering for some entertaining. And entertained I became.
Let’s start with a little backround information. I often go to a local Book/Music/Movie/Game Exchange place to find “new” games to amuse myself and last week found “March Madness 2007″ for a very affordable $14.95. I’ve never purchased a sports game brand new before in my life. They’re all essentially the same year to year, and you can save up to 80% off the original cost by waiting a few months. Sure, the guy on the package may no longer play for the team the he’s wearing a jersey for, but that sometimes happens even with the brand spanking new games.
Anywho. So I’ve enjoyed a plate of nachos and I’m ready to sit down and play my game for a bit. And I decide that this party needs a few more friends. Sure it may be the middle of the week, but I deserve to be happy right?
As you can see. I’m happy. And all of the sudden, totally wired.
(Let me pause here for a second to reassure you that I will get to the “thinking” part of this story, as promised at the beginning of the post. It’s just that in order to fully appreciate the “thought” you have to join me on the trip getting there.)
So, I’ve got energy to burn, and my game is just not going to cut it. So what to do? Well, for anyone that knows me, they know I love to clean. And that’s exactly what I did. I grabbed a bottle of Windex, a roll of papertowels, the vacuum and went to town. I realize this is more depressing than funny. But, maybe I can grab a smile off of you by saying that just before I started cleaning, I fired up the computer and turned on one of my favorite songs in the entire world… “Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya.”
Let me share a fews lines from the song with you.
“Where are the legs with which you run,
Where are the legs with which you run,
Where are the legs with which you run,
When first you went to carry a gun
Indeed your dancing days are done
Johnny I hardly knew ya
You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg,
You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg,
You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg
You’re a spinless, boneless, chickenless egg
You’ll Have to be put with the bowl to beg
Johnny I hardly knew ya”
(Be sure to check out the “Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya” Video below)
The song is kinda dark and it’s about a boy who goes off to war and gets his ass handed to him. The music is pounding and energizing and just absolutely rocks. It’s by the Dropkick Murphys and I swear, it’ll get you pumped up about anything. And I was certainly pumped up about making my humble home clean.
I’m sure it was quite the scene; me, drunk, cleaning, the Murphys pounding away with the same song on repeat for about an hour. But the home was cleaned, and my energy was drained. It was then that I returned to the game and my couch.
I’d already beaten the game once with WKU Hilltoppers, one of the several colleges I have attended over the years. I didn’t have much trouble beating the game with them, despite the fact that they were only a C-Ranked School. So I set out to find a school that was:
A.) Ranked Lower
B.) Lesser Known
C.) Had a Cool Mascot
I ended up with these guys.
The Iona College Gaels. Ever heard of them? Me either. But, it fit the description. And what better mascot then an angry Irishman. And no, that’s not a crutch, it’s a beating stick.
Now here’s where the “thinking” comes into play. As the game loaded I thought to myself. Am I the first to ever to play as this team?!?! Seriously, there is no less than 200 schools to chose from, why would anyone chose this particular team? I’m sure even the 3,322 students at Iona can find a team they like more. I can just see the guys in a dorm room at Iona…
“Hey dude, check it out, I got March Madness 2007!”
“March Madness 2007, why not 2009?”
“Dude, because I totally saved like 80%.”
“Oh, that’s totally smart thinking… I call dibs on the North Carolina Tarheels.”
“That’s fine dude, I already called dibs on everyone’s favorite Irishmen… Notre Dame.”
That’ll wipe that big Gaelic smile right off the mascot’s face. But, for what it’s worth, the 2008-2009 Iona Gaels Men’s Basketball Team is currently undefeated. Go Gaels!
So there’s my thought. Sorry it took so long. Have a nice day.
Pool owners are a proud people. Let me tell you, I own an above ground pool and it’s not even very big, but damnit, if I don’t strut out to get my mail everyday with my head held a little higher than my neighbor’s head. Never mind the fact that the poor guy is 70 something and bent over like a rotten banana. That’s not the point. Owning a pool seems to give people the impression that they are in some way better than others.
Sure, you have a body of water in your backyard. But, so does this guy… you don’t see him flaunting it.
As the manager of a Full Service Pool and Spa business, I run into some interesting people. Today was no different. So here’s the scenario. This lady walks in with that attitude that I’ve come to call “IownapoolandIamanassholebecauseofit syndrome” and proceeds to tell me about how this and that is wrong with her pool.
“How do I fix it?” she asks.
“Well ma’am, you need to… blah blah blah,” I answer.
“Oh, I know how to do that, and I already have everything I need… I’ve had this pool for 14 years.”
Here we go, this is where it gets good. She’s made the effort to tell me that she’s been a pool owner for half of my adult life. As if I could give half a shit. This is always the point in the conversation where I want more than anything to say something along the lines of…
“Well, look at the time, I better get going. I’ve got lunch with Miley Cyrus, Al Gore, Morgan Freeman, and that lady from the Pine Sol commercials…we’re going to figure out what to pack for our trip to the moon. You see… Miley, Al, Morgan, Pine Sol lady, and myself, we’re going on the first civilian flight to the moon.”
Just to see the look on the lady’s face, it would so be worth it. But, I don’t. I mind my manners and smile. However, she’s not done with me. She’s got more to say!
“The pool has been all my responsibility lately. My husband took a job in Florida, and so he’s never here to help out with this pool. Haha, he’s got his own pool down there to take care of.”
“What does your husband do?” I ask, knowing I’ve made a critical mistake.
“Well,” she smiles that boy this is a doozie smile, “He is a Astro-chemical-surgeon-political-inventor-engineer-scientist.”
Sketch Artist Rendering of Husband
“The company he works for fabricates… blah blah blah… they make the material used in the… blah blah blah… Emergency vehicles at the NASCAR Races. He may-“
“Get to race in a NASCAR Race?”
“No, ride in the pace car at the next race.”
“Oh.” I sighed dejectedly.
I could just imagine the aforementioned husband terrorizing the NASCAR Track in his Delorean.
Actual NASCAR Photo with a Delorean and Kick Ass Flames Added In
That would’ve been a kickass end to this story. But, instead, the lady bought $32.08 worth of stuff. She gave me $40 and then proceeded to do one of the things that pisses me off more than anything.
“Hold on, I’ve got the change.”
And she hands me a quarter. No lady, you don’t have the change. You have some change, but you don’t have THE CHANGE.
Recently I received a gift from a friend. The gift was extraordinary. I want to share it with you.
Instant Playtime Bears!
We’ve all come across these toys before, tiny capsules that when immersed in water, grow into amazing creatures our imaginations have trouble comprehending. The toys are fun no doubt. But this toy in particular has something that the others do not.
Humpty the Bear. He’s back kids, and you better keep your All American Pill Shaped friends away. Humpty is the Proud new spokesperson for pickle love. I mean, he’s the new spokesperson for The World Famous Original Foam Toy, voted #1 Tub toy.
These toys work simply enough. Put them in hot water, and they grow. Then you play with them and wash your friends’ backs with them.
Wait, what? “Used by educators worldwide”
You’ve got to be kidding me right? What class uses these to teach anything? And what lesson do you learn? What college offers such a class. Because I’m signing up.
Harvard, now offering PHd’s in Foam Capsule Growing
Class is in session everyone. Let’s see the curriculum.
Hahahahahahahahaha. If only MY parents had been so naive. Wonders of the World huh? Grand Canyon, Northern Lights, The Taj Mahal. They don’t have shit on INSTANT PRODUCTS.
Let’s find out how we can experience such wonder and excitement.
Simple enough right. Now, where can we find enough warm water… it did say #1 Tub Toy.
Bubble bath, check.
Wait. 5 Blue, 4 Red, 2 Green, and 1 Yellow. Yellow… you must be special. I will save you for last. Into the tub!
I had every intention of showing videos of each item as it “grew” but I swear to you they lied on the package. The damn things took no less than 2 minutes to reach adulthood. And this website is about to explode with data already. So here’s a pic of the little critters midway. While we wait, let’s check out what we’re growing.
Bear with large chest wound.
Party time Bear.
Bear about to vomit in pain from a chest wound.
Bear hitting a bong.
Fatass depressed Bear.
And finally… Bear taking a giant sized shit.
Top to bottom we have the blue pills, red pills, and green pills in their final bear form.
I’m not going to lie to you and say that I was impressed with the results. The bears are hardly the size of a quarter, bearly (get it! bearly!) larger than the original capsule they came in. All in all we had 2 Bears with chest wounds, 2 Bears about to kill over and die do to chest wounds, 2 party time Bears, 2 bong Bears, and 1 fat Bear. But, lest you forget. There’s still one wonderful yellow pill left!
Don’t let me down yellow, I just know you have something awesome inside you.
2 minutes later…
BROOKE HOGAN! Holy Shit, Instant Playtime Bears are made of win!