Hulk Hogan meets James Blunt
This has to go down as the most hilarious thing ever caught on camera. I can just hear the conversation. “Yo brother, it’s nice to meet you. Sure, go ahead and grab my arm, you seem like a nice enough lady.”

Ray Romano meets a girl who’s a huge fan of cats
Everybody Loves Raymond. Except for this girl, she prefers cats.

Tom Cruise meets and high fives a crowd
Katie  looks on in horror as Tom forces Scientology on a crowd of innocents through the power of a high five.

Jon Bon Jovi meets a lady who gets all in his business
Poor Jon, he just wanted to enjoy the game. This lady, wanted to touch his face with her hair. By the way Jon, camera’s over here buddy, not a mile that way.

Snoop Dogg meets a white kid
Homies fo life.

Brooke Hogan meets a girl while her brother looks like a tool
“Hi, can I get a picture with you Brooke?” No problem. ”Um, can you ask your ass of a brother to go away?”

Adrien Brody meets a monkey
Oh how the stars do fall from greatness.

Hugh Grant meets some dude (But isn’t happy about it)
Seriously Hugh, at least you have a fan. Smile for the poor soul.

Colin Powell meets this fella (And takes the photo himself)
“General Powell! General Powell! Can I get a picture with you?” Sure. “Um, can you take the picture, I have no friends.”

Stephen Baldwin meets Hannah Montana and a book
The fact that Stephen not only wrote a book but can read is funny enough. The fact that Hannah Montana showed up for the book signing is epic.

Jim Brown meets a fan
“No, it’s cool Jim, I like it that you look totally blasted.”

Michael Cera meets some chicks
“Smile for the camera kids! Smile for the wall over there Michael…”

Justin Timberlake meets Red Hat Guy
“I LOVED YOU IN N’SYNC!!!”

Hayden Panettiere meets Bristol Palin
“Don’t look at me preggers girl.”

Tyra Banks meets man in boy’s clothing
“Want to see my legos Tyra Banks?”

Your photo is what record labels will see to get a first impression. Your photo will be in magazines where you shout to the world your greatness. And most importantly, your photo is going to grace the cover of your debut cd. You can’t screw around, you’ve got to get it perfect.

So, we are here to help. To give you and your band mates the knowledge and the know how so you can achieve greatness… through photography.

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Step #1 – Make sure everyone in the band is in the shot.

Yep, even that one guy that doesn’t look like he belongs. Sure, he probably plays the fiddle or the fucking flute or something… but he’s in the band. And he’ll bitch if you don’t put him in the photo. Save yourself the trouble, and just put him in, but for goodness sake, put him in the back. Which, leads us to our next step.

Step #2 – Make sure that people are staggered.

Sure, you’re all an important part of the band. But, damn it if that one guy in the band doesn’t ever dress cool enough. Put him at the back. And while you’re at it, remind him afterwards that he’s in a band, not working at the library. He’ll work harder on looking better on the next photo.

Step #3 - Take the photo at a place that symbolizes you.

These guys have it right. They’ve taken their photo at the corner of Barry Baker Place & an overgrown field of brush. Nice job holding that guitar dude. Nice job indeed! (On a side note, make sure your little brother isn’t hiding in the freakin bushes.)

Step #4 – Take your photo on some stairs/steps.

Right on! When shooting a band photo, steps speak of the struggle you’ve worked through to climb to greatness. And tie-dyed shirts speak of how your mother still dresses you. Are ya’ll ready to rock!?!? Yes, we are.

Step #5 – Take the picture at an awkward angle.

By taking the shot from above, these guys prove that things are looking up. By taking the picture in a men’s restroom stall, they’ve shown that their career is still in the shitter.

Step #6 – Show your personalities.

Are one of you a thinker? Are one of you funny? Are one of you a crappy Jack Black look-a-like? Show the world! Sixty-Nine Fingers? Try sixty-nine with the ladies that might or might not be our sisters!

Step #7 – Look at everything but the camera.

By looking at everything but the camera you’re saying ”Hey, we are timeless. We’ve been there, and we’ve been over there too. Of course it also says”Hey, we can’t focus when the cameraman tells us to.” Sunglasses help, it hides the wandering eyes.

Step #8 – Superimpose the band name over the photo.

You don’t want anyone mistaking you for “that other band” so make sure and put your band name over the top of your photo. It’ll guarantee that when people say… “Hey, have you heard of <insert band name>” that people will answer, “Yeah, aren’t they the douchebags in that stupid photo on the bathroom wall of the bar?” Word. They are.

Step #9 – Take the photo by an old building.

A photo in front of a factory or some old abandoned crack house shows that you are hard core. You rock. You are badass. And when people question you, you’ll be able to answer them… “Dude, we hang out by factories and old buildings. You have nothing on us.”

Step #10 – Have someone acting totally crazy.

If you have a guy in the band that’s a total wacko, that’ll draw a crowd right? Make sure he shows his unique personality. You want to sell tickets/albums right? Plus, he’ll kill you if you tell him to smile.

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In conclusion, your band photo is the most important thing you have to do when making a band. Don’t mess around. You only get one shot at greatness. And that shot better have you all by a metal building, staggered, looking at different things, and with the ugly guy at the back or you’re straight fucked.

More examples of band photo greatness.

But, our moms say we have no talent. That and we don’t have the right “look.”

Neither do these guys mom, but they still made it!

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#1 – Troy Polamalu

Don’t get us wrong. Troy is one hell of a football player. But, he doesn’t exactly put off that, “Hey, I’m a jock, where’s the weight room?” look that we would associate with a true Man’s Man Pro Athlete. He looks more like…

Cher. Yeah, that Cher hair just can’t be missed.

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#2 – Yao Ming

Yao Ming is huge. He doesn’t even have to jump to dunk… or to touch the moon.  We would imagine they sent this guy to America so he’d stop scaring the kids in his home country. He’s Godzilla big. Ming is like a giraffe on stilts… wearing a big hat.

Sure, the above picture has things mixed up a little… the giraffe has no hat, and the lion is the one on stilts. But, you can’t deny the fact that it’s hilarious. And the direct result of searching “giraffe on stilts + hat.”

We like this guy. He’s a great ball player, and he is in a funny commercial where he demands that there’s a full sized whole banana in each bottle of the flavored water. That doesn’t sway the fact that he looks like…

I know what you’re thinking… we just put another picture of Steve Nash here. But, you’re wrong. That’s James Blunt. And Steve Nash looks like him.

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#4 – Randy Johnson

Odds are Randy Johnson is a really nice guy. We almost feel bad for even including him on this list. But that doesn’t change the fact that he looks more like a Huge Redneck than a Pro Athlete.

“No, I don’t want to play baseball today… I’m busy.”

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#5 – Sam Cassell

Sam… why are you on this list?

Oh.

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#6 – Kyle Orton

Kyle Orton, shave your beard. Kyle Orton, wake up. Kyle Orton, stop looking like a stoned college student.

“Has anyone seen my sock tobogan?”

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#7 – Dirk Nowitzki

Dirk… what kindof name is that anyway? “I’m Dirk from Dallas. LET’S ROCK!” Dirk looks more like a rock star than a Pro Athlete. Throw some paint on his face, a guitar in his hands, put him on stage…

And also make him wear silly outfits and platform boots.

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#8 – Joakim Noah

This poor fella. Seriously, Joakim Noah may be a great basketball player, but even that only goes so far. He’s just a plain ugly dude. And he looks like one of the Beagle Boys from Ducktales.

Put a big unruly head of hair on the tall one that’s standing in the back left, and you’ve got a twin.

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#9 – Andre Agassi

Sure, he may have cleaned up his act, and cut his hair, and started doing camera commercials, but not always. He used to be married to Brooke Shields and looked like a moron. Or one of the Rockers from the WWF.

“What’s up ladies?”

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#10 – Larry Bird

We intentionally saved Larry Bird for last, because out of all these people, he’s the most god-like. The things he did on the basketball court, and the epic battles between him and Michael Jordan will forever live in history. But, he still looks like someone’s Aunt who lives in England.

Anyone up for a cup of tea? Or a game of basketball? Or both?

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Honorable Mention – Don Mossi

Yep, he played Professional Baseball. And you get paid to do whatever it is you do. How’s that for a kick in the balls?

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Odd Ball Museum #1

Tour L. Ron Hubbards House in Arizona - Cost: Free

As if you hadn’t heard enough of the insanity that is Scientology from Tom Cruise and the gang, now you can visit the home of the founder of the evil brainwashing cult religion. It’s sort of like a trip to Bethlehem to see the manger that Jesus was born in, only it’s a home built in the 1940’s and… um… that’s it. Nothing magical, no picture opportunities, no awesome collectible spoons or magnets. It’s just a house, probably like your own grandparents home.

The house is located at Camelback in Phoenix, Arizona. And that’s where the interesting facts pretty much taper off to nothing. What can you do at L. Ron Hubbard’s House the birthplace of Scientology? How about a tour of his living room where he met with students and demonstrated the newly developed E-Meter. Cruise on by his bedroom where his desk holds pens, notes, and even Hubbard’s actual dictaphone. And no, we didn’t make up the word “dictaphone”, and yes we know it sounds like a penis that works as a phone.

The Dickphone, by Acme!

A visit to Camelback will walk every  Scientologist through the footsteps of the man who “forged the path to spiritual freedom” right to the bathroom where Hubbard took his shits.

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Odd Ball Museum #2

Toilet Seat Art Museum, Arlington Texas – Cost: A Phone Call To Set Appointment

Everyone certainly enjoys a good toilet seat. We’re big fans of those cushioned ones like they have at our Grandma’s place. It’s like sitting on the couch while doing our business and if you take a beer and a good book in there with you, there’s no reason to leave.

But, as much as we like toilet seats, we don’t have shit on Barney Smith. He runs a Toilet Seat Art Museum out of his home in Texas, full of his self created Toilet Seat Art. Smith has been designing, carving, painting (and assorted other art words) toilet seats for around 40 years. We can only guess at what inspired Mr. Smith to take up toilet seat art, but basic theory around here seems to point in the direction of “lights off and forgetting to put the seat up.” You’ll find around 645 different seats in Barney Smith’s museum, decorated with everything from state license plates to a genuine marijuana leaf to a group of dead hornets. Smith said “One of them stung me on my head, and I just said, I’ll put you on my toilet seat”. Perhaps it would be best not to cross this gentleman unless you want end up mounted on a toilet seat and the subject of a horror film.

Barney is 81years old and started the museum up while working as a plumber stating that he “was comfortable with the medium.” Comfortable, like the cushioned seats at Grandma’s!

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Odd Ball Museum #3

Sulabh International Museum of Toilets - Cost: 2.5 Cents Per Flush

Speaking of toilet seats. How about an entire museum devoted to toilets. It’s not hard to imagine the round table discussion that went into this decision. One guy says he has a lot of money to invest in something, and another guy says he has to head to the crapper, and he’d be right back. Then they’d all stop and slowly nod while doing some kind of slow high five. The Sulabh International Museum of Toilets was the brainchild of Dr. Bindeshwar Pathak who says; “The Toilet is a part of the history of human hygiene which is a critical chapter in the growth of human civilization.”

Human genius at it’s finest.

We couldn’t agree more. But why have a museum dedicated to something that we all have in our own homes? Dr. Pathak seems to have expected all opposition and so has objectives listed for the museum here. Among other things, education and something about “a lost bet in college” are listed. A trip to the museum will reward you with an in-depth look at the “art of defecation” with pictures, books, a variety of actual toilets, and a look of disdain from everyone that sees you leaving the place. Hell, Dr. Pathak even says on his museum’s website that if you have “Ever wondered what a museum dedicated entirely to the history of toilets would be like-seek professional help!”

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Odd Ball Museum #4

Icelandic Phallological Museum - Cost: $7.50 Per Day

Finally a museum that sits close to our hearts. If our hearts were located by our cocks that is. The Icelandic Phallological Museum is probably the only museum in the world with the balls to hang up a penis from every mammal located in their country. This would be the equivalent to the United States running around and chopping the junk off of buffalo, coyotes, bobcats, racoons, elk, cougars, bears, and a whole fuckton of other animals. But, Iceland did it, and the sick bastards at the Icelandic Phallological Museum invite all dick lovers to come have a look. Women get half off on Thursdays!

The museum is home to two hundred and four penises and penile parts with donations coming from whales, seals, walruses, and polar bear. “The museum has also been fortunate enough to receive legally-certified gift tokens for four specimens belonging to Homo Sapiens.” Hold on a sec, we’re gonna go throw up. Okay… So not only are you a dude going to go see hundreds of penises, you’re going to go see other guys’ penises. These are not exactly pictures you’re gonna want to show off at work.

Just tell your friends that you stayed at home on your vacation.

Visitors will be thrilled to see not only a handful of cocks but also a load of folklore, art, and utensils related to the chosen theme. Utensils displayed include a bottle of lotion, some tissues, and a box of your dad’s old porn.

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Additional Museums

The Mutter Museum: Pennsylvania -
www.muttermuseum.org

Glore Psychiatric Museum: Missouri -
www.gloremuseum.org

Vent Haven Museum: Kentucky -
www.venthavenmuseum.net

National Museum of Funeral History: Texas – http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/2226

Museum of Medieval Torture: Czech Republic – http://www.ckrumlov.cz/uk/mesto/firmy/i_mustor.htm

Museum of Bad Art: Massachusetts -
www.museumofbadart.org

Winchester Mystery House: California -
www.winchestermysteryhouse.com

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Odd Ball Vacation #1

Helicopter Bear Hunt in Alaska-Cost: $1000 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

The power man feels when he holds a gun in his hand is rivaled only by God. Man reigns supreme over this land and it’s beasts, and he’s here to prove it. By hunting.

And there just isn’t a much bigger, meaner, badass animal to hunt then a bear. Bear hunts take place all across Canada and the United States and if you’re looking to step into your man shoes for a week, saddle up with the people at Planet Charters. They specialize in putting the hunter into close proximity with some of the world’s largest animals. Sounds awesome right? Right up until you find out that 27 people were killed by bears since 2000. And that’s just the people killed. Many others are attacked, traumatized, and had their pic-a-nic baskets stolen.

Someone’s about to fuck your shit up.

Though interactions with bears are uncommon, you’re kinda setting yourself up to get your ass handed to you if you go out looking for them. So that’s why groups have set up hunts that take place from helicopters. Sorta of like something the A-Team would do. You and your guides take to the sky in a chopper, fly around until you spot a bear, and you shoot it. Sounds simple enough right?

Well remember that bear fatality statistic we gave you a minute ago? That ain’t got shit on helicopter fatalities. From 1997 to 2006 Helicopter Association International recorded 302 deaths from civilian helicopter accidents. Once again proving that helicopters are the most dangerous animal known to man. So, the alternative (walking around shooting bears) sounds pretty good.

Just make sure you bring a change of pants.

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Odd Ball Vacation #2

Million Dollar Vacation in Abu Dhabi – Cost: $146,000 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

If you’re wealthy enough to be able to go on a vacation such as this, maybe you can stop being such an ass and share the wealth. If you’re not, and you’re reading this to be entertained, we’re sorry for the outburst.

The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi is literally the most luxurious hotel on the entire planet. Built to provide the absolute finest in everything the world has to offer, your 4000 square foot room is adorned with gold, marble, crystal, and we can only assume the finest whores available in some kind of vending machine contraption. You’ll spend your time being waited on hand and foot by a 24 hour butler, being Chauffeured in a $400,000 Maybach Supercar, and flown in a private jet to shop for whatever it is rich people feel the need to buy.

“It’s smashing! I’ll take 3 just like it.”

And if being pampered isn’t enough to satiate the hunger in your seriously spoiled stomach; how about daily spa treatments, royal golf outings, deep sea fishing, and pearl diving. Of course you won’t actually do any of those things yourself, that’s what you pay people for! Other activities include making your own designer perfume, eating the finest foods the world has to offer, and of course the free guns from Holland & Holland.  Swimming in also a popular pastime at the only 7 Star Hotel on Earth. Swimming in money!

Clients include NATO, the Entire Middle Eastern International Film Festival, and many foreign dignitaries including President George W. Bush. You can read his thank you letter right here. It’s good to know America’s money is being well spent.

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Odd Ball Vacation #3

Golf In Compton - Cost: $5 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

Tupac said it best when he rapped, “Pimps be on a mission for them greens.” Little did anyone know he was referring to the greens on the Compton Golf Course in sunny Los Angeles County. The course is a 9 Hole Par 3, and quite affordable for just $5. A great buy for anyone in the area looking for a quick pick up game. And it’s easy to see why. Although there are few hazards on the course, “little water and few trees” the course has it’s share obstacles to overcome. The New York State Gold Association says of the course; “If you like high caliber excitement, this is your place. Home to the Crips vs. Bloods, Ryder Cup Style.”

“You want me to grab yo nine iron fool?”

Located in the middle of Los Angeles, Compton boasts a murder rate of 8 times that of the National Average. On the Compton City Golf Course Website, rules of conduct are listed, as is this; “All players and visitors to the course do so at their own risk.” Wow, if that doesn’t get you excited about playing a round with the guys, I don’t know what would.

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Odd Ball Vacation #4

Wild Cave Tour in Mammoth Cave – Cost: $48 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

A Wild Cave Tour at the Mammoth Cave National Park in Kentucky will only set you back around $50, so of all the things you could do to relax, this is quite affordable. And there’s a good reason for it. You’re going to be going underground where terrible things like bugs and snakes and bats live. And you won’t be walking in this cave, you’ll crawling around on your stomach all day. Not to mention it’s in pitch black darkness and you’re gonna have a goofy helmet strapped to your head.

The awesomeness of this is magnified by the fact that while you’re trying to keep mud out of your nose you also get to stare at another person’s ass all day. Sure, it wouldn’t be so bad if that person was Megan Fox slogging around with you, but odds are you’ll be meeting up with “Charlie to Cool” from the previous picture.

Mammoth Cave National Park is out to give you your money’s worth, so don’t count on the day to be over shortly. They’re gonna have you on lock down in there for over 6 hours buddy. Because, that’s how long it takes to completely grasp how bad spelunking sucks.

From the live action indie film, Super Mario in the Dungeon with Moving Ceilings.

Of course, it might be that it will take you a few hours to fully grasp just how bad a Wild Cave Tour is. You’ll figure it out right about the point that the Taco Bell lunch you enjoyed earlier rears it’s ugly head. This will run sorta parallel with when you’ll start to freak the hell out, because, the only restroom stop was 20 minutes ago.

The problem here is that unless you’re James Bond and own one of these…

You’re shit out of luck. Most National Parks adhere to a strict “Take Nothing Away, Leave Nothing Behind” policy. And while this is especially true concerning the issue of not removing a cute baby deer and leaving in it’s place your asshole of a little brother, it’s also true for your body waste. The National Park website for Jewel Cave in South Dakota says this: “Everything that is taken into the cave must be taken out, cavers carry containers for removal of human waste.” So, in the event that you do have to “go” and can’t find a bathroom at 300 feet below sea level be prepared to have the worst day of your life. If you’re lucky, you won’t have to take a dump in your shorts and walk out of the cave with your pants and head hanging equally low. Because your guide is probably packing one of these.

The Disposable Travel Toilet. Otherwise known as a plastic baggy. Brilliant! Now, not only do you have to shit, but, you get to do it into a bag, in front of a bunch of strangers.

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Odd Ball Vacation #5

Trekking in Vietnam-Cost: $80 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

Minus the cost of airfare, a trip to Vietnam is quite reasonable and fun. Of course, you get what you pay for in everything in life, and this should be an immediate cue that something isn’t kosher about the Vietnamese Trekking Adventures from The Exodus Company.

It’s got a hemi.

Vietnam was, you guessed it, where the Vietnam War took place not all that long ago. And what could be more interesting than walking around in a war-torn country trying to avoid landmines that have killed 40,000 people since the war ended? The country of Vietnam really doesn’t have a  a lot going for it, but, that’s the entire appeal of trekking. To experience peace, quiet, and a different style of life. Plus the people there are very eager to welcome anyone to come visit and stay awhile.

Travelersdigest.com lists a vacation package which takes you through the more rural places where you shouldn’t “be surprised if you come home with an entirely new wardrobe…”

Oh, that sounds nice. I could use some new clothes.

“…as the Hill tribe villagers are fans of the barter system and will make you an offer you can’t (er, won’t want to) refuse.”

Wait, what?

This becomes an issue because the Vietnamese Hill tribe people didn’t come into contact with outsiders until the 1990’s, and everything they see is new and wonderful to them. This especially means the clothes, food, and accessories of a tourist. The point is that everything you packed into Vietnam isn’t necessarily coming back out with you. You go in as a well dressed, attractive, young Gremlindog.com reader.

And you come out…

It’s not all bad though, with the addition of your new wardrobe, you also get to spend the night in the homes of the people that just bartered robbed you blind.

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Odd Ball Vacation #6

White Water Rafting in Zimbabwe-Cost: $110 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

As one of the most exhilarating sports on the planet, white water rafting offers a thrill to anyone can handle it. And what better way to experience white water rafting then in a land over seas with the finest guides at Africa Adrenaline.

Pictured from left to right: John, Carl, Derrick, Kyle the Guide, Steve, Cindy, Ron, Jake. Not pictured: Everyone that fell in the river.

A land full of wonder and excitement. Also a land full of craploads of dangerous wild animals. Zimbabwe is right smack dab in the middle of Africa, and if you’ve ever seen the Lion King, you know that there’s all kinds of nasty bastards crawling around. Why’s that a problem? Among them is one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, the Hippopotamus. Hippos kill more people every year than any other African animal. This is all despite the fact that they look like a skinny version of Roseanne.

Oh that thing? That’s just a Tyrannosaurus Rex skull. No, not really… it’s a fucking Hippo skull, and those teeth, paired with the fact that he’s a territorial asshole is the reason that your happy rafting trip (see pic above) would suck balls (see pic below). Some areas are so dangerous that trips are completely canceled; “the August 1995 attempt on the river by the South African, Isabindi White Water Rafters, was terminated by two attacks after only five kilometers of paddling.” Hippopotamus generally pick out a certain length of river that is all for them, and upon being disturbed by rivals or you and your boat, go kinda crazy in the head. So prepare to find yourself in the mouth of a hippo.

And in the mouths of all of the crocodiles that also call the river home.

Special thanks to the Gremlindog.com Interns for helping us out with this photo shoot. We’re not going anywhere near a crocodile, they’re scary as hell.

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Odd Ball Vacation #7

Singapore - Cost: $198 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

Nothing can ruin a great night out on the town like a parking ticket or being arrested for public intoxication, public nudity, and evading arrest. Trust us, we know. And that’s the reason most people tend to steer clear of Singapore when planning their college spring break trips, or any trip for that matter. Because in Singapore… you can be fined or arrested for just about anything. An island country just south of China, Singapore has nearly 5 million people living within it’s borders, and every one of them is on a tighter leash than a cocaine addicted K-9 unit at the Columbian Airport.

NO! I found it, it’s mine! Mine!

They literally have a law for everything. You know those books that have like one weird law per state; for example in Alabama it’s “unlawful to wear a mustache in church and cause unseemly laughter.” Well, Singapore has everything those books have, and then some. Do you enjoy chewing gum? You won’t in Singapore friend. How about having long hair or not flushing a public toilet? Well Mr. Long Haired Nasty Non-Flusher, you can expect to be fined.

There’s a fine and a law for just about everything you can do for fun, especially one close to our hearts… the ban of pornography. I mean COME ON! And don’t think you can just pay a little fine and head on your merry way to another crime of smoking or eating (also illegal), because major crimes are punishable by caning and hanging. Fucksticks, these guys don’t screw around. On a more positive note though, In 2003 George W. Bush signed the US-Singapore Free Trade Agreement opening up all new avenues of trade and commerce between the two countries. However, we’re gonna bet this was only because there was some law that said he had to.

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Odd Ball Vacation #8

Sleep On An Alter – Cost: $275 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

If you thought it was weird going on vacation and sharing a hotel room with your friends because you didn’t have any “privacy”, just wait. Because you haven’t experienced anything until you snuggle up with your new roommate God, in the world’s only Holy Altar Bed and Breakfast. It’s very similar to falling asleep in church, but instead of being in a pew, you’re right up by the choir, with a blanket, drooling on the communion plates.

The Op Het Altaar is located right in the center Amsterdam in the Netherlands and is fully equipped with all modern amenities; full bathroom, kitchen area, bedroom, and of course an altar. The room is actually a completely renovated Altar from a worship area built in the late 1700’s when Catholics were being persecuted and forbidden to hold public services.

Actual Photo of the Altar Bedroom, no jokes here, sorry.

A Bed and Breakfast Website with all of the finest establishments in Europe praises the Op Het Altaar, saying it is the perfect place for a quiet stay in the bustling city of Amsterdam, especially if you’re looking for a little peace and quiet for your honeymoon. Sounds like an awesome idea except for you-know-who staring at you the whole time you while you do the deed.

Gives a whole new meaning to the song… “I Always Feel Like, Somebody’s Watching Me.”

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Odd Ball Vacation #9

South Africa - Cost: $340 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

The proud country of South Africa has a lot to be thankful for. Beautiful weather, prime location for tourism and commerce, great natural resources, and the awesome title of “Rape Capital of the World.” Damn. Your first thought is probably that the ad company paid to come up with a “creative, head-turning slogan” just pulled out the worst possible combination of words for a “creative, head-turning slogan” and has since been fired. But, you’d be wrong. South Africa is a dangerous place and the country knows it. Just check out the message displayed on SouthAfrica.net which says “It’s Possible” in the top left corner. Yeah, “It’s Possible” you’re gonna get raped! In 2005 there were 118.3 rapes per 100,000 people. That’s one rape for every 845 people. Or more rapes than could be fit into an entire season of “Law & Order: SVU.”

And it’s not just rapes that make South Africa a little less than appealing, they’ve also consistently been in the Top 5 Countries in the World in homicides. Um… congratulations? The murder rate, which is eight times that of the United States, is 52 of every 100,000 people. But hey, at least the hotel has a pool!