Today in the News

it Friday the 13th? Full moon? Has a maniacal magician been loosed upon the Earth? Seriously, just reading through the headlines of online news sources, I was amazed to find that the world went batshit crazy today. Yeah, seriously. And I’m not talking about natural disasters, wars, or polar icecaps melting. I’m referring to the serious issues. Groundbreaking news folks. Stuff like…


Former ‘Pregnant Man’ Debuts Baby

Excuse me while I go hurl…

On June 29 at 8:55 p.m., Beatie, 34, a former female beauty pageant contestant, made cultural history as perhaps the first legally transgender male to give birth, bringing into the world a 9 lbs., 5 oz. baby girl named Susan Juliette.

Apparently this guy used to be a gal. And he thought it’d be cool to be preggers. As for what part of being fat, pissy, and having cankles is cool, I’m not sure. But, through the miracle of mad scientists working in some dark dungeon, a baby was made.

Crows Thomas, “Susan is a miracle! And we’re finally the family we’ve been dreaming of.”

One can only imagine that dream. It probably involves a lot of alcohol, and a game of Truth or Dare. The only thing more disgusting to me than the idea of a man giving birth…

The free Suntan Lotion Kiosk at a water park.


Wax Amy Winehouse Unveiled

Oh wow. That’s so awesome. It’s so, lifelike?

Seriously, why? I could understand wanting to see a wax replica of someone that I couldn’t actually see anymore, like a deceased celebrity. Or seeing a wax replica of someone that I actually give a rat’s ass about, like a real celebrity. But Amy Winehouse?

Madame Tussauds unveiled a waxwork of Amy Winehouse on Wednesday complete with her signature beehive, black eyeliner and a bright yellow minidress.

It’s funny though, because when I first read the headline, I thought, oh my. It’s surprising though, they didn’t make the wax replica very lifelike…


Miley Cyrus Auctions Red Carpet Date

Miley Cyrus is auctioning off the hottest ticket in teen town: A date with the megastar!

Wow, what a chance for a lucky fan to spend some quality time with this teenage pop star! Seems like a great thing for her to do really.

Being auctioned on Ebay, the highest bid for the night-on-the-town with the Hannah Montana star, 15, currently stands around $2,000. The auction kicked off Tuesday night and ends July 29.

Well, looks like I’ve been outbid.

Congrats on raising all that money! Of course, opening up the bidding to everyone with an Ebay account could be a little scary. Oh, the results are in…and here’s the winna!

I can haz date with Miley Cyrus?


Zac’s Big Bang Theory

Zac Efron finds a nifty solution to his long hair, tying back his bangs for a trip to the gym Wednesday in Beverly Hills.

Wow, congratulations dude. You’ve done the impossible. The unthinkable. You’ve found a nifty solution to keeping your hair out of your face! It’s called a ponytail dude. Girls have been doing it for years. I’ve got another nifty solution for you. It’s called a hair cut.


Nick Jonas & Selena Gomez… Are They Dating?

Oh, two teens in love. Both are stars. This should be interesting.

Now, a source confirms to PEOPLE that Jonas, 15, and Gomez, 16, are an item, saying, “They’ve been dating for months.”

A rep for the Jonas Brothers maintains there’s no romance. “They are not girlfriend and boyfriend. They’re friends. All of the Jonas Brothers are friends with Selena.”

All of the Jonas Brothers are friends with Selena! LOL, I bet they are.

Get it?


And that’s the news! Join us next time as we update you on other stories that you probably shouldn’t care about either.

Signing off.

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