Carol Wright Gifts…Buy Something!

This Mother’s Day, many of us will be presenting our Mamas with a gift they don’t want. In fact, they may dislike it so much, that they will disown you, and not make you cookies.

So this Mother’s Day, I suggest you do what over 12 people are doing, and buy your Mom something from Carol Wright Gifts!

Carol Wright Gifts, online and by magazine has been serving gift seeking people for 400 years, and has some of the most creative (read: wtf?!?!) things that anyone could possibly spend money on. This year, Mom won’t know what hit her!

Let’s start with items for the kitchen, because if there’s one place in the house that Mom loves to get gifts for, it’s the liquor cabinet. A close second is the kitchen.

“The Rooster Sink Liner” is described on the website as “Brilliant”, and I can’t help but agree. What’s more brilliant than a cock in a sink? Nothing, that’s what. And at $3.99 a piece, you just can’t go wrong.

“The World’s Easiest Nutcracker” takes all the effort out of cracking nuts. Of course, upon further investigation, I don’t really see how complicated the process really is. A better name for this product would be “Nutcracker that is Just as Easy to Use as Other Nutcrackers”, although fitting that on promotional pens and mugs would be more difficult. I do suppose it will at least serve us well by getting Mom’s old nutcracker…

…right out of the kitchen and back on the Christmas Mantle. Best part is at just $4.99, you’ll still have money to buy porn.

Let’s make our way over to the Garden shall we? Mom loves to spend time outside growing things, and this Mother’s Day, you can help her do it better, with the help of Carol Wright Gifts!

Mom will shit her pants when you present her with this guy! Not to be confused with Mr. Potato Head, “Tree Man” is in a league all his own. The website says this is a “Great way to welcome friends and neighbors”, I agree. Better pick up two or three of these, everyone is gonna want one. And when you tell them you only spent $7.99, they’ll probably punch you in the face and call you a liar.

YES! Mom has probably time and time again complained about the amount of bug bites she gets while trimming her roses, and these “Bug Stopper Pants” will solve the problem quick, fast, and in a hurry. The fact that a person could just wear jeans, and not look like a complete tool is irrelevant here, these pants stop bugs from biting legs. As for arms, hands, faces, etc… you’re on your own. Cost: $7.99

When it comes to Personal Needs, Mom never asks for anything, but we all know good and well there are things she would love to have. Carol Wright Gifts knows Moms, in fact, after looking through the humongous lists of gifts available, I can only guess that Carol Wright herself, must be a Mom. If she actually exists that is.

Apparently from the same makers of the “Bug Stopper Pants” comes this item, the “Soft Knit Arm Warmers”. The website recommends this item to chase away the chill when you “don’t want to wear a sweater”. How about calling this item “Long Sleeve Shirt” instead? I almost lost faith in you when I saw this item Carol Wright, until I saw that $3.99 price tag. Then I said. I agree with Carol Wright, long sleeve shirts be damned, I got me some “Soft Knit Arm Warmers.”

Oh my… um… Wow, just… wow. Yeah, that is what you think it is. In fact, Carol Wright Gifts offers several.

Baby Bug

Patchy Paul II

The (You’re Doing it Wrong)

Ranging in price from $30.00 to $100.00 there’s one for every budget. Show Mom how much you love her, by letting her love herself!

I’ll be right back, I just threw up a little in my mouth….

Back into the house, and our final category. Household Helpers! Mom is always having trouble around the house, cleaning and doing other Mom things, Carol Wright Gifts has the answers!

Kill two birds with one stone this Mother’s Day when you buy the “Deluxe Mop Slippers”. No seriously, this is for real. In fact, I’m going to copy over the exact, word for word description the website offers for this product, because I swear, if I was the freak son of Richard Pryor, Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Dane Cook, and Mitch Hedberg, I couldn’t write anything funnier.

Cleaning your floors just got easier! Simply slide into these comfortable, dust mop slippers and pick up dirt, dust, pet hair and more – just by gliding through a room. You’ll never have to bend, stoop or kneel again! Leave your hands free for other chores.

Yeah, I know… and all that for just $9.99!

The “Motion Sensor Owl” is what you buy Mom when she literally has everything else in the world. Because honestly, this is the gift that’s gonna break the bank. You’ll never be able to buy another gift that will compare. The website asks, “Would you give a hoot if you saw glowing eyes peering out at you in the darkness?” Why it asks that, I have no idea. But for $7.99, who cares? Mom can put it on top of her liquor cabinet and be warned when little Billy is trying to sneak a shot.

Well, there ya go! Shopping made easy with Carol Wright Gifts, plus it won’t put a big hurt on the wallet. Enjoy all the hugs your Mom will be handing out.

How Much Is…

If I can offer one piece of advice to the 5 of you reading my post, it’s this gem: Don’t get into the sales business. Please, I know you’re thinking, “You know what would be fun, selling something!” Well, guess what Jimmy, you’re wrong! Selling things is about as much fun as watching your dog choke on a rawhide. Sure it’s humorous because your dog is making funny faces… but it sucks when the rawhide is spit up with all the snot and saliva coated around it and lands on your jeans that you JUST FREAKING BOUGHT!

I’m serious though, screw selling things. Today, there’s a phone call:
“Hello Pool Store, how can I help you?” I ask lightheartedly.
“How much is ya’lls cheapest inground pool?” The delightful country bumpkin asks from her bedazzled with rhinestones Razr.(this has yet to be proven, but I will update upon further investigation)

Artist’s Conceptual Image

Well,” I say “That all depends on what type of pool you’re wanting to buy.”
“I said inground…”
“So you did. Well let me check my price book…ah, here it is $100,000.00”
“Thanks!” She answers, not missing a beat, nor a puff of her Marlboro Red.(this has yet to be proven, but I will update upon further investigation)

(Police Sketch Artist Image Based on Description)

“You are a moron!” I say under my breath.
“I said ‘You are welcome!'”

Selling things is for the birds.