The Quest

It’s been typed before, and I’ll probably type it again. I love to eat. OMG I love to eat. And I love to shop. While shopping the other night for food, I was presented with a challenge. Not the kind of challenge where I have to resist eating something from one of these folks.

Because God knows, free samples of beer would be hard to resist. I’d be like Peter on Family Guy, putting on different outfits and getting in line behind myself. But, I digress.

Just the other night while shopping at my local Wal-Mart I was confronted with a challenge to end all challenges. THE QUEST! (Insert dramatic theme music)

That’s right, Doritos, the bitches that they are, have challenged me to guess the flavor of their newest concoction. And of course, I accepted. And paid freakin’ $5 to do so. Yeah, $5. And you thought the price of gas was high. Chips now cost $5, at least before the flavor has been determined I suppose. Because regular Doritos, the cheese and cool ranch flavored, are not nearly as expensive. Which leads me to two conclusions. These chips are either flavored with pure gold, or have been imported from outer space. I’m going with the latter.

These chips from outer space, Space Chips if you will have a flavor that has yet to be deciphered, and it’s up to me to figure out what exactly the scientists at Doritos Co. have thrown together.

Doritos Flavorologists

So, I’ve brought the chips home, and I’ve prepared myself for the task at hand by getting a little drunk. Which is also the process by which I prepare for work, love making, and doing my taxes.

WTF! After popping a chip into my mouth, I’m immediately blown away, into another dimension. These chips! They’re out of this world, which supports my earlier claim that they are in fact from outer space.

What are they flavored like? Honestly, I didn’t know right off hand. I had to seek other opinions. I’ve sought the opinions of several experts.

Stoned Dasie says: “Food”

Sadie thinks the chip tastes like: “Chicken marsello with a white wine sauce”

Bacon thinks they taste like: “Bacon?”

Sleepy Lori: “No comment”

Guy on TV said: “I swear, if I didn’t know better, I’d say it tasted like the tears of a baby”

What a freak!

Gus the Talking Squirrel is quoted as saying the chip tasted: “Like my nuts”

None of the panel of judges offered any help on the matter, this chip… was a mystery. THE QUEST, was still on. And I was not to be distracted…

Under the sea! Darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter… just wait and see! (Oh we’ll see just how wet it is down…)


Okay, final analysis, because to be honest… these chips taste like shit. THE QUEST, in my opinion has ended. Call me Indiana Jones, or don’t, because I probably wouldn’t answer if you did call me that to be honest. The chips, are flavored like: Lime. Lime flavored chips, that’s not so bad, they’re flavoring beer and stuff with lime. But, WAIT! I just saw this.

That’s right kids, this chip, contains a Milk Ingredient. I KNOW RIGHT?!?! Chips with milk? Which leads me to believe that these chips are flavored like…


Which equals…

Fruit Loops. Chips that taste like Fruit Loops.

Screw you Doritos Scientists, I want my money back.