The Fist Bump

Per request of a colleague I have been asked to delve into one of the great new mysteries of the age in which we live. Since this associate is also a friend, I endeavor to meet his expectations and come up with the most detailed and accurate description that Wikipedia could ever want to post on their website.

Today, we discover the history and meaning of…

The Fist Bump.

Don’t be alarmed. Your computer screen is not trying to hit you again. But you should be aware of what it means when you see a fist coming your way. Especially if the fist is coming from someone you didn’t cut off in traffic or slept with and never called.

Some say the Fist Bump is the new High Five, and I want to say… Shut your mouth. There is nothing that will EVER replace the High Five on the cool meter.

Look at that shit. Absolutely beautiful. Did you know that both of the guys in that picture won the lottery after the high five. That’s how awesome the High Five is. The High Five makes things happen to you and your friends that you want to High Five each other about.

But, I digress, this isn’t about the High Five, this is about the phenomenon known as the Fist Bump. The Fist Bump recently became the center of media attention surpassing both “Britney Spears” and “Why There Isn’t a Pack of Skittles With Just Reds ‘Cause No One Even Likes the Yellow or Green.” It happened when Barack Obama and his wife Fist Bumped on National television at the Democratic National Convention.

“Word bitch.”

You may have seen Michelle Obama also doing this on “The View” or at a political rally because it’s the democratic thing now. Apparently they’re calling it “America’s Handshake”, a statement which made John McCain make this face.

Not the first time the Fist Bump has been noticed though. Oh no, the Fist Bump has even made it to the big screen recently. Check out this pic from the movie “Talladegga Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.”

With all the attention the Fist Bump has gotten, one just has to wonder where it came from. What is the history behind the Bump? Questions need to be answered, and I’m going to do just that.

Rumor has it that the Fist Bump actually originated when Michael Jordan was playing for the Bulls. Apparently he would always put talcum powder on his hands to ensure proper grip of the basketball. Obviously that worked. Jordan led the Bulls to 6 NBA Championships and won Gold in the Olympics twice. Of course, Jordan wouldn’t want to share any of this talcum powder or “Magic Dust” he had, so apparently instead of shaking hands with the other players before the game, he balled up his fist and hit them in the face. Nah, I’m kidding… he hit their hands.

“Hey Jason. You’re pretty funny.”

Thanks Michael. But, as awesome as His Airness was, he did not invent the Fist Bump. Because, years before he came into fame there was a pair of kids known as the Wonder Twins who Fist Bumped all day.

On the left is Zan, with the power to transform into any form of water. Okay, cool. And on the right is his sister Jayna, who has the ability to turn into any animal, whether real or imaginary. Wow. Zan sure got the shaft on this on huh? Let’s see Zan vs. Jayna in a battle.

Kiddie Pool vs. T-Rex… thank goodness they never had to fight each other. Interestingly enough their powers only worked if they Fist Bumped each other and yelled “Wonder Twin powers activate!” But oh, how hilarious is must’ve been when Jayna wasn’t sure what role Zan was taking that day.

“Jayna NO! It’s me! Stop!”

So the Wonder Twins beat Michael to the Fist Bump, but who beat them? Why none other than the Egyptians. Sure, they developed a lot of the firsts we have in the world. Egyptians are credited with the invention of paper, the ramp, the lever, further development of the chariot, the science of embalming, and most recently they’ve been given credit for the Fist Bump.

As you can see in this painting found on the wall of a pyramid in Egypt, the man on the right is happy that the blue dude has scored with a chick as hot as the lady with a green turkey on her head. He’s offered his fist in hopes of receiving a Fist Bump. If the Bump is not received the dude with the leaky bottle behind him will be free to bash his head in with that squash he’s holding. Ancient Egypt was kinda retarded.

But, history isn’t done with the Fist Bump. Apparently, the Fist Bump is as old as time itself. After picking up a dusty old book the mouse to the computer and reading clicking on some stuff, I stumbled upon a scripture from the Bible.

So apparently Michaelangelo had it all wrong on the Sistine Chapel. Perhaps, the picture below… digitally altered by yours truely is what actually took place.

So there you have it, the origin of the Fist Bump. Quite a colorful backround it has. I hope you’ve learned something and maybe win the next round of Trivial Pursuit you play because of the knowledge I’ve armed you with.