Guess What Everyone Is Getting For Christmas!

No joke, this is a book. It is written by a guy that thinks you can become Batman. He is quoted saying.

“You could train somebody to be a tremendous athlete and to have a significant martial arts background, and also to use some of the gear that he has, which requires a lot of physical prowess. Most of what you see there is feasible to the extent that somebody could be trained to that extreme. We’re seeing that kind of thing in less than a month in the Olympics.”

He has no idea.

Although this book will indeed be purchased, I think it should be noted, that no, this is not the road to “Becoming Batman”.

Having your parents murdered in front of your freakin’ eyes and then falling down a well full of bats and shit is the way to becoming Batman.

Of course on top of the entire “Olympic Level Athlete” and “Expert Martial Artist” there’s the whole badass detective thing to factor in. Batman is the “World’s Greatest Detective” according to DC Comics official website. So, if you’ve ever had trouble figuring out where you left your keys, or what exactly the mystery meat is at the local Chinese Restaurant, you probably don’t have the Sherlock Skillz to even begin to compete with Batman.

You don’t know what this is…

Oh, and how about all that money Batman has. You’re not that rich. And if you are that rich, well, it costs $100,000 to read this post. Please mail it to my P.O. Box address.

In fact Batman is, according to the Forbes Fictional Fifteen… very rich.

#8 Wayne, Bruce

Net Worth: $6.5 billion
Source: Inheritance; Defense
Age: 32
Marital Status: Single
Hometown: Gotham City, U.S.A

Interesting side note, the #1 slot went to Scrooge McDuck, and even more interesting… #15 went to Princess Peach. And a side note to that side note, I can only imagine it being anything but impossible to accumulate wealth in the Mushroom Kingdom considering everytime you had 100 coins to your name you got a new life and were set back to having 0 coins again. So you’d be immortal, but always broke.

Of course, there are some people in real life with enough dough to purchase sweet Batman-esque gadgets and vehicles.

Below is the link to pre-order. Do yourself a favor though, and realize it just isn’t gonna happen. Mostly because of the fact that in the slim chance that the book would actually work, you would look like a complete tool in your outfit.

Link to Order:

A Trip To The Dollar Store

Oh Happy Day!

I got to go to the Dollar Store the other day!

And nothing makes me more happy!

Than getting things that are so crappy!

I love getting stuff. Especially stuff that I don’t really need. I suppose that it makes me feel like one of those rich people that buys planes, cars, and pools even though they already own planes, cars, and pools. I like getting things I don’t need, and adding them to a collection of other stuff I don’t have any reason to own. Then I can be like: “Hey, look at all this stuff I have that I don’t need.” And secretly I think to myself. “Yeah, they’re impressed. They don’t have this kind of stuff.” And the best place for me to fulfill my desire for stuff I don’t need, is the Dollar Store.

The Dollar Store is the only place I can go in with nothing in my pocket, and still come out with something spectacular. And recently, I did just that.

The treasures I brought out of that store would make a pirate weep. I was the owner of the coolest of the coolest of things. The first thing I found however, worried me.

The “Fun Bubbles” Play Set. Seemingly harmless of course. What harm could come from bubbles. Bubbles are fun, and good wholesome entertainment for the entire family. This toy shouldn’t really be a big issue. But oh, then I looked a little closer.

Look at this kid. He’s not actually enjoying bubbles. He’s enjoying his first BONG! I couldn’t believe it. Ages 4+ it says. It might as well say, “Good for everyone who wants to dabble in the illegal substances available on the streets.” This poor child didn’t know what was he was getting into. Check out that smile. The innocence.

I can only imagine this child’s future after playing with the “toy”.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Wasted, and Baked, and Red-eyed is he!

Let’s move on.

The Magic Growing Beast.

“You may not become a beast trainer, but you can grow one!”

OMG! LOL. Just add water it says. And I can become a grower of beasts. Or beast trainers. I guess it’s all in how you read it.

It looks harmless enough sure. And of course the package tells me up front that I’m not going to become a Beast Trainer. So I have nothing to fear.

This will not be me

“Fill with clean water…” Then what? I didn’t know. The words just kinda trail off there. White letters over a partially white backdrop? Sounds grand, print it!

The package did nothing else to guide me. So, of course. I put the item in my mouth.

But, of course the package came with a warning. And of course, it’s a warning that most kids, and twenty-somethings would not give any credit too, or even notice until it was too late.

“Do not swallow.”

DO NOT SWALLOW?!?! What kid would even consider such a thing!?!? It’s not like this was a package of Pringles. I tell you this with the upmost of authority. This warning should be on the front of the package, not on the back.

After an hour or so, I was able to make it back to my prizes.

The next item I found at the Dollar Store was something that should not even be in my possession. Or anyone’s possession for that matter. It should still be in it’s glass cage.

We’ve all seen them, the 25 cent machines, offering prizes galore. Prizes worth much more than the price it takes to play. And of course you never get anything close to the value of the items advertised.

But, they look so damn appealing. “I can be a winner for just 25 cents!”

I wasn’t a winner.

Domes of Joy these were not. The quarter machine claimed it held “Sweet Prizes”. What I got was from from Sweet, and certainly no prize. I got two plastic girls from the movie “Grease”.

Just look at them. Pieces of crap worth less than the 25 cents I paid for ‘em. However, I do like the effort they went to, giving them personality. The girl on the left… Betty, has a leather jacket and is a bad to the bone biker chick. Stacey is her polar opposite, she chews gum, blows bubbles, and wears pink. I especially like the way Stacey tilts a little to the side. Almost as if Betty has spiked her milkshake with liquor in a cruel joke to impress her friends down at the Shake Shop. But, I suppose there’s worse things I could buy…

But this friends, was not one of those things. “A Surprise For A Boy” offered the chance to redeem this trip and the $5 I had spent at the Dollar Store. I’m not gonna lie and say that I wasn’t completely thrilled to open this package. It could’ve contained nothing more than a note saying “Surprise” and I would’ve been just as happy with the results. But, A Surprise For A Boy did not let me down.

I’m a boy, and this was a surprise. And in my mind, it was Christmas in July.

That face should say it all. This dollar was well spent.

No, I’m not about to poop on myself. I am making the face that anyone would make after finding out that they had just unearthed a Giant Plastic Grasshopper…

…and Giant Plastic Bat.

And of course. I did what anyone in their right mind would do.

But, the Grasshopper and Bat were not all I found inside this Prize of Prizes.

I had also become the proud owner of an official USGI Action Set.

Face of a proud owner

The USGI Action Set, easily the Creme de la Creme of playsets offered up not one, but 6 Action Figures. These guys were replicas of soldiers fighting for our freedom against… something. And thank goodness they were fighting.

Otherwise, plastic women from the movie “Grease” and Giant Grasshoppers would be killing us all. Or humping us. I’m not sure which.

Could I have spent my 5 dollars elsewhere and been been better served? I’ll leave that decision up to you. But I know this, I’m 5 dollars poorer.

That’s it, no words of wisdom. I’m 5 dollars poorer.

The Quest

It’s been typed before, and I’ll probably type it again. I love to eat. OMG I love to eat. And I love to shop. While shopping the other night for food, I was presented with a challenge. Not the kind of challenge where I have to resist eating something from one of these folks.

Because God knows, free samples of beer would be hard to resist. I’d be like Peter on Family Guy, putting on different outfits and getting in line behind myself. But, I digress.

Just the other night while shopping at my local Wal-Mart I was confronted with a challenge to end all challenges. THE QUEST! (Insert dramatic theme music)

That’s right, Doritos, the bitches that they are, have challenged me to guess the flavor of their newest concoction. And of course, I accepted. And paid freakin’ $5 to do so. Yeah, $5. And you thought the price of gas was high. Chips now cost $5, at least before the flavor has been determined I suppose. Because regular Doritos, the cheese and cool ranch flavored, are not nearly as expensive. Which leads me to two conclusions. These chips are either flavored with pure gold, or have been imported from outer space. I’m going with the latter.

These chips from outer space, Space Chips if you will have a flavor that has yet to be deciphered, and it’s up to me to figure out what exactly the scientists at Doritos Co. have thrown together.

Doritos Flavorologists

So, I’ve brought the chips home, and I’ve prepared myself for the task at hand by getting a little drunk. Which is also the process by which I prepare for work, love making, and doing my taxes.

WTF! After popping a chip into my mouth, I’m immediately blown away, into another dimension. These chips! They’re out of this world, which supports my earlier claim that they are in fact from outer space.

What are they flavored like? Honestly, I didn’t know right off hand. I had to seek other opinions. I’ve sought the opinions of several experts.

Stoned Dasie says: “Food”

Sadie thinks the chip tastes like: “Chicken marsello with a white wine sauce”

Bacon thinks they taste like: “Bacon?”

Sleepy Lori: “No comment”

Guy on TV said: “I swear, if I didn’t know better, I’d say it tasted like the tears of a baby”

What a freak!

Gus the Talking Squirrel is quoted as saying the chip tasted: “Like my nuts”

None of the panel of judges offered any help on the matter, this chip… was a mystery. THE QUEST, was still on. And I was not to be distracted…

Under the sea! Darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter… just wait and see! (Oh we’ll see just how wet it is down…)


Okay, final analysis, because to be honest… these chips taste like shit. THE QUEST, in my opinion has ended. Call me Indiana Jones, or don’t, because I probably wouldn’t answer if you did call me that to be honest. The chips, are flavored like: Lime. Lime flavored chips, that’s not so bad, they’re flavoring beer and stuff with lime. But, WAIT! I just saw this.

That’s right kids, this chip, contains a Milk Ingredient. I KNOW RIGHT?!?! Chips with milk? Which leads me to believe that these chips are flavored like…


Which equals…

Fruit Loops. Chips that taste like Fruit Loops.

Screw you Doritos Scientists, I want my money back.

Two Scoops of Sun Dried Grapes… And Other Generic Cereals

I love grocery shopping. There’s not many things that I enjoy more. Seriously, it’s a chance for me to unwind after a long day, and get excited about things in the future. Those things being what I’m gonna put in my belly. And as for those asshats that say, “Don’t shop on an empty stomach”, I say… screw you. I go home with more interesting food on those days than on any other. In fact, I often spend less than I would with a well planned out menu that I was shopping for… Nah, that’s not true. I spend like 5 times as much. But seriously, who cares?!?! You only live once, so you might as well live with 6 different types of peanut butter available to you at any time.

And that brings me to the meat of this article. Anyone who knows me, or has seen me at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet of any kind, knows that I love to eat. I make fat people who eat too much look like fat people who eat normal amounts of food. And one of my favorite things to eat is cereal. I love it. I will eat it at any time of the day, and will not be embarrassed by having a tiny little plastic baggy full of my favorite cereal treat available to munch on the go. And the cereal of choice for me, is Marshmallow Mateys.

Look at that freaking bag! I swear, when the folks at Malt O’ Meal say SUPER SIZE, they are not screwing around. That bag contains no less than 80 pounds of cereal, of which 56 pounds is marshmallows. I love this stuff, I’ve eaten so many bags of it, that they’ve debated switching a picture of me out for the kangaroos. Well, they haven’t, but that would be some cool shit wouldn’t it?

Which brings me to the rest of the meat of this article, Generic Cereals. They’re something else, they’re cereals with a generic label! Of course, they’re essentially the same as their name brand counterpart… but they’re oh so different. And that is a beautiful thing. A thing I’m here to share with you.

We’ve all heard of Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle, and Pop, and Captain Crunch… but the folks you are about to see will amaze and astound you. These… are the GENERIC CEREAL MASCOTS!

Our first spokesperson represents a line of chocolaty cereal in the nugget form. It’s…

Tony Monkey!
Yes, Tony Monkey, the younger brother of the famous skateboarder Tony Hawk. Tony Monkey used to be the best skateboarder there was, he was king. That was until that fateful day he got caught up in doing crack cocaine. Yep, this kids, is a crackmonkey. His love of chocolate took him to dark and dangerous places, and while he never was a good reader, or very smart… no one thought him stupid enough to confuse a bag labeled Cocaine with one labeled Cocoa. Now, he sucks men’s privates or as he calls them “weird shaped bananas” for a high.

Next up on our virtual Who’s Who of the bottom shelf cereals…

Drunk Off His Ass Frog!
Long time lover of cereal and snorkeling, Drunk Off His Ass Frog otherwise known as DOHAF has been swimming and eating for years. Originally just a frog, DOHAF became the “man” he is today after being caught by a guy swimming and a guy gigging for “Good Eats”. (See artists renderings below)

A fifth of Jack Daniels later, the men had decided this frog was too cool to eat. Instead, they made love to him. DAHOF hasn’t spent a day sober since. Never one to turn down a chance to earn money to purchase alcohol, he responded to an advertisement seeking “Naked Frog with Scuba Prop”, and the picture on the box is the result of the photo shoot.

Our next beloved cereal icon is none other than…

LOLgator was the laughing stock of the swamp. Originally trying out to be the mascot for the Florida Gators, he lost the job after it was found out that he was legally retarded. How they didn’t figure that out by simply looking at him, we may never know. But after he was spotted Sweating to the Oldies in the locker room he was promptly fired, and spent the next 7 years wondering the country selling used suitcases with this guy.

LOLgator finally made it big when getting lost in the Endless Blue Abyss, and being photographed as he raced away. Crisp Rice Cereal Inc. found the photo, and the rest is history.

Moving onward, our next Hero of the Cereals that Cost Less Money is…

Crocodile Dun-ate some Cereal!

Crocodile was the star of many Australian action films before meeting his sad demise at the photo shoot for Fruity Crisp Rice. The picture above was taken shortly beforehand. But the ever eager photographer, excited by the prospect of selling more cereal for the company writing his check, goaded Crocodile into having a tasty bite of that cereal. Croc agreed, and shoved a spoonful in his mouth, which resulted in the pointy end of the poorly designed spoon being shoved right into his beady black eye. He died on the scene.

Up for grabs next and in a cereal bowl near you is…

1998 Rookie of the Year, RANDY MOSS!
HAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, omg! Yeah, that’s Randy Moss! And that kids, is his Magic Crunch. Michael Jordan has Nike, Tiger Woods has Gatorade, and Randy Moss, he has Magic Crunch.

Finally, we have a mascot that will knock your socks right off. Please, if there are any children in the room, get them out. And if your wife or girlfriend is around, beware! Because this guy is…

Humpty the Bear!
Humpty the Bear, porn star in the seventies had a rough life in the eighties and nineties. Finding work as a Porn star in a winter hat and gloves, not to mention a movie that called for a White Cartoon Bear wasn’t easy. After staring in Debbie Does The Wilderness, and Goldifucks and the 3 Bears; Humpty entered into a slump. Until 30 years later he was spotted by an advertising agent that “liked his look”. However, after going through an entire roll of film with every picture being blurred, the agent made a critical mistake. “The next shot is the Money Shot” he told Humpty. Humpty did what any former porn star cartoon bear would do, and made love to the cereal bowl.

That’s it for our look at Generic Cereal Mascots, I hope next time you’re shopping for a breakfast treat you’ll look beyond the Toucan Sam’s and the Trix Rabbit’s and give some of these unsung heroes a chance at filling your tummy.