Dunanananananananana… BATMAN! Yeah, he’s coming back to a theater near you this very week! And I can almost guarantee that no one is as excited as I am.
Don’t get me wrong… I’m not one of those guys that will be camping out overnight so I can be the first to get tickets. Mostly because Evan won’t let me, because he’s getting married. But, man I am so excited about this movie. What’s not to love about Batman. I mean seriously…
Holy shit. Look at those guys, there’s some B.A.M.F.ers in that lot. Check out that guy with the machete… you think that guy is messing around. Hell no he’s not. None of these guys are. But seriously, the Batman Rogues Gallery is freaking full of, well, freaks. Killer Croc, Bane, Ra’s al Ghul, and many more. It’s a buffet of all you can eat bad guys. But if you sit back and think, which I don’t recommend, you might find that it’s not as impressive as it appears. I mean, some of these ideas for bad guys are a little far fetched, or ridiculous maybe. And that’s what we’re here to pursue. To delve deeper into. What if the Batman Villains were actually what they say they were!?!?!
A lovely town no doubt. Full of commerce, whores, and drugs. The perfect place to raise a family. If it weren’t for the seedy criminal underground that is, attempting to control everyone. How’s a guy supposed to enjoy his Girls Gone Grabblin’ DVD when there’s a bunch of punks running around trying to ruin everything. And no, I didn’t make that up. There really is such a DVD.
Oh yes, THE VIDEO THAT HAS AMERICA TALKING. WTF ever.
Anyway, Gotham has some issues man. And those issues involve some bastards.
Ah yes, Batman’s Cuddliest opponent now has Happy Feet. Careful Batman, you wouldn’t want to cross this foul creature. He’s been known to… swim aggressively, eat fish, and walk hundreds of miles over ice.
How do we defeat such a terrible villain. Go somewhere warmer. Done. Danger avoided just barely there Batman. Now that we’ve left the Gotham Zoo, we can take a walk down this City Park path and, OH NO, POISON IVY!
Oh boy, how in the world can someone manage to overcome a plant? Oh, I guess we could just not go near it. Good to be careful Batman, you know what happened last time you crossed this dangerous adversary.
Best to take two steps to the left, and avoid this villain altogether. But of course, by moving to the left, we’ve found ourselves in a field. A field of corn. A field that houses yet another evil creature. A creature known as the SCARECROW!
See, that’s the thing about Scarecrows. They scare crows. Not bats. Or men. So someone named BATMAN shouldn’t really be alarmed. His arsenal of weapons? Straw and Straw hats. Oh, and did I mention 100% of scarecrows are lacking a brain?
Otherwise known as the Crazy Cat Lady, Catwoman draws her talents and skills from dander, litter clumps, and hairballs. She’s disgusting, the leading cause of sneezing and sniffling, and the reason that most women over the age of 40 have a bad rap. What threat does she pose to Batman. Only this.
And finally, we approach the final villain capable of doing an end to the Dark Knight, the Man in Black, the Caped Crusader.
He tells jokes, and no one laughs. No one is a bigger buzz kill than The Joker. “What’s the deal with airplanes?” He asks. Nothing you say. But he doesn’t seem to get it. Or want to quit. The Joker is the final straw. He pisses you off, and drinks your beer. Not even Batman stands a chance at saving the party. Or the movie starring him.
Thanks Joker. Thanks for ruining Batman’s day.
(It should be noted that I own the shirt worn by the gentleman in the above pic.)