10 More Epic Battles That Won’t Ever Happen… But You Wish Would

Fighting is by definition: A battle or combat; contest or struggle; an angry argument; or disagreement.

On the internet… it’s whatever the hell we want it to be.

Back for another go around, it’s 10 More Epic Battles That Won’t Ever Happen… But You Wish Would.

It’s time for Round 2 Ladies and Gentlemen, and are we in for a show tonight! We’ve got Animal vs. Animal, Hero vs. Hero, Beast vs. Beast, Spy vs. Spy, Alien vs. Alien, Soldier vs. Soldier, and for the first time Hottie vs. Hottie. So, grab some popcorn, some beer, put on some music that makes your heart race… (Gremlindog.com suggests “The Final Countdown” by Europe – link to video below)



Battle #1

Polar Bear vs. Gorilla

First and foremost allow me to say that we love animals, and the last thing we want is for them to hurt each other. But, holy shit! A polar bear going toe to toe with a gorilla! Sign us up for front row tickets. Not sure if anyone other than us watched the Golden Compass, but that movie starred a Polar Bear, and he was a badass who at one point in the movie knocked the LOWER JAW off of a rival bear! And of course, King Kong was just a giant sized Gorilla right? A giant sized gorilla that fought 3 freaking Tyrannosaurus Rexs! Game on!

The Polar Bear is the world’s largest predator found on land. Let’s go over that one more time. Largest predator found on land. Their feet alone are around 12 inches across, making them wider than the average dinner plate. Weighing in at up to 1500 pounds, this behemoth is nothing to be trifled with. Some cars don’t even weigh 1500 pounds! And the Polar Bear has to be big, he lives in one of the most inhospitable places on earth, the Arctic Circle. The Polar Bear’s diet consists mostly of seals, which it pulls out of the ocean with a paw, and bites on the head to kill.

The Gorilla can be found in a few remote areas of Africa, in jungle type settings. Gorillas are the largest of the all primates, and a male silver back gorilla can weigh as much as 600 pounds.  Due to the fact that they live primarily in warm climates, this is all muscle and bone. Couple that strength with an animal intelligent enough to use simple sign language and crude tools, the gorilla is a force to be reckoned with.  The gorilla along with the chimpanzee are human’s closest relatives and for the most part herbivores. That doesn’t mean they can’t rumble, a Gorilla in the wild will fight to the death if necessary to defend it’s pack.

So who wins, the beast with the bulk or the one with the brain. Being that the two animals live halfway across the world, we can’t really expect either to fight the other on it’s home turf which would give each an advantage. So, let’s say we bring them both together right here in America. After recovering from their flights, the animals crank up the action. Though certainly dominate on the size side, the Polar Bear has nothing on the Gorilla’s brain, besides the fact that he has a hankering for a Coca-Cola. That distraction is all it takes.

Winner: Gorilla

Battle #2

John Rambo vs. John Matrix

Muscle vs. Muscle, funny ways of talking (sure we know Arnie is from overseas, what’s Sly’s excuse?), and more guns than…well, let’s just say it’s a lot of guns. These guys both have a hankering for an ass whooping, and for the first time in both of their careers, they might finally have a match. Now, if we can just understand what the hell they’re trying to say.

John Rambo is a Green Beret and Vietnam War veteran struggling to make it in the regular world. He’s trained in survival techniques, weaponry, hand to hand combat, guerrilla warfare, and blowing shit up. Rambo, a name “inspired by force” has killed a lot of dudes. 1 (on purpose) in First Blood,  69 in Rambo II and 132 in Rambo III. In his latest trip to the theater, Rambo takes out over 236 people. Grand total of 438. How’d he manage to kill so many people? Let’s just say there was a lot of gunfire and explosions.

John Matrix claims that he eats Green Berets for breakfast. And is retired from whatever Armed Forces division he was a part of. Well trained in the use of heavy weaponry, including a M202A1 Flash, a four barrelled rocket launcher. Matrix is equally adept at hand to hand fighting and killing assholes. Commando being the only appearance by John Matrix, he didn’t waste anytime racking up the body count. Death total: 146; with 138 of those people dieing within a 4 minute time frame. Don’t mess with a man’s daughter.

The fight of the century perhaps, Rambo vs. Matrix is gonna be a ball buster. We’ve allowed both men their choice of weapons, and placed them in the middle of a huge jungle. We’ll have to wait out here for the results, because, well, none of us want to die. BOOM!…….. Okay folks, apparently the entire jungle just blown up. We can only assume that the two have killed each other. Sure, it may seem like the easy way out of finding a winner in this fight. But, do you honestly want to stick around if one of them is still alive and pissed off?

Winner: Tie

Battle #3

Ookla the Mok vs. Chewbacca the Wookie

One is a supporting star of one of the biggest film franchises of all time, the other is the partner of a barbarian on a cartoon that rivaled He-man. It’s Mok (whatever the hell that is) vs. Wookie (whatever the hell that is) in this Battle of the guys who no one understands when they talk. Wait, didn’t we just have this fight?

Ookla the Mok is a cat/monkey/man hybrid, the pure essence of who knows what. He is the muscle behind Thundarr the Barbarian, which is saying something… because Thundarr was a freakin’ barbarian. He stood taller than a man, and one can only assume that he was quite a bit stronger than the average dude. He was brave, emphatic, and compassionate. His trusty steed was an Equort, a horse and insect crossbreed. His primary weapon, other than his fists and ability to pick up and throw things, is a bow. Fun fact about Ookla the Mok, his name was based upon his creator’s favorite college, UCLA.

Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. First mate to Han Solo on the Millenium Falcon, Chewbacca is well known as a hero to the Republic for his role in aiding the Rebel Alliance in overthrowing the Empire in the Original Star Wars Trilogy. Standing a foot and shoulders taller than a man, Chewie is a master mechanic, pilot, and warrior. Is favorite weapon is a bowcaster, capable of powerful short range energy charged shots. But, he is equally as deadly with his body as a weapon.  Fun fact, Wookies are forbidden to use their claws during combat.

At one point or another, we’ve loved both of these guys. But, the time comes when you’ve got to choose sides, and that time is now. Sure, Ookla is said to be a little less than smart, and he does have a “horse.” But that horse kinda looks like it’s been hit with the ol’ ugly and stupid stick. Not to mention he’s still fighting with a bow and arrow. Chewbacca saddles up with a bowcaster and a spaceship, so he’s kindof got a leg up on the Mok. On the other hand, if you were to look at the pictures above, Chewbacca kinda looks like our grandma did that night her dog got on the table and ate part of dinner. It’s hard to get behind someone in a fight that looks like a distressed Grandma.

Winner: Ookla the Mok

Battle #4

Hydra vs. Cerberus

Two great beasts of legend get ready to tangle next. At one point in both the Cerberus and Hydra’s careers they were bested by Hercules. But, that’s not to say they wouldn’t make for a rocking fight against each other. Word is two heads are better than one, well combined these fellas bring about a hundred heads to the table. Better tell Mom to put more steaks on the grill.

The Hydra is a many headed serpent-like beast that possessed “more heads than vase painters could paint.” Although our calculators do not have that button on them, let’s suffice to say, there were a lot of heads. And each of these heads had the ability to not only grow back, but upon regrowth, double their number. This trait, with the addition of venomous blood spewing from any wounds the Hydra suffered, made it a tricky foe to defeat.

The Cerberus, the Hound of Hades, is the guard dog of Hell. His job was to ensure that the dead could enter, but never leave. You might say he was “The Hotel California.” He had the appearance of a regular dog body with three montrous heads, a tail like a serpent, and smaller serpents made up his mane. Cerberus had a taste for flesh and would attack anyone that was not in spirit form that approached the gates he guarded.

The Hydra and Cerberus were in fact brothers, each born to the monster parents Typhon and Echidna. Two monsters which may make a future appearance on the countdown. Being that they were brothers, it’s easy to picture them in the backseat of their parents car, bickering about the temperature, length of the trip to Mount Olympus, and who finished the last page in the Mad Libs book. But, also like brothers, we’re sure they got into a real scuffle occasionally. One that more than likely involved a lot of biting considering the number of heads. The fight would be a little one sided however, because only one of these two has poison blood.

Winner: The Hydra

Battle #5

She-Ra vs. Wonder Woman

Hubba hubba. We don’t remember either one of these ladies looking quite so good back in their cartoon days. But, we’re not going to argue. Apparently time has treated them both very well. But, this isn’t a fashion show girls, so take off your shirts, and let’s get to scrappin’. No? Not taking them off? Fine, just get it on then! No? Not gonna get it on either? Fine then… fight!

She-Ra, the twin sister of He-Man is from the land of Etheria. She like He-Man has a secret identity, Princess Adora. Adora was kidnapped as a baby and raised by the evil Hordak until she discovers her true identity. Upon receiving the Sword of Protection she unlocks the Power of Grayskull and becomes She-Ra, and with that power gains super strength, agility, and the ability to communicate with animals. By her side are her companions Kowl, Madame Razz, Bow, and her trusty talking steed Spirit, who can turn into Swift Wind, a flying unicorn.

Wonder Woman is a member of an all female tribe of Amazons who is sent as an ambassador to the rest of the world. She is blessed at birth by the gods, gaining the beauty of Aphrodite, the wisdom of Athena, the strength of Hercules, and the speed of Mercury. With these skills and her weapons like the Lasso of Truth and her Indestructible Bracelets. She has stood toe to toe with Superman, Captain Marvel, and the gods Ares and Hades. A standing member of the Justice League, Wonder Woman has many friends to back her up, as if she needed it.

As difficult as it is to pick sides, it’s even more difficult to find a clear cut advantage for either party. Strength, weapons, backup… each woman has it all covered. The Sword of Protection is certainly a cooler weapon then a lasso, but that same lasso has held Superman captive at one time. On the other hand, having an invisible plane to get you around town as opposed to a horse certainly has it’s benefits. Wonder Woman obviously has the better back up in a fight, but, She-Ra is next to indestructible. I think the final decision has to be made with the following question. What do you like better blonde or brunette? I for one am a fan of blondes.

Winner: She-Ra

Battle #6

Dante vs. Spawn

It’s gonna be a slobber knocker when these boys come to town. Hell on earth if you will. Son of a Demon vs. The Devil’s Spawn. You might wanna grab some holy water if you have any. And call a priest.

Dante is the son of the demon Sparda, who rebelled against the other demons and defeated the demon army. Since then, Dante has taken up his father’s mantle after his mother was killed, and makes it is job to kill and vanquish any and all demons that step in his path. He’s a mercenary who specializes in the paranormal. His tools of the trade, Ebony and Ivory two semi automatic pistols that never run out of bullets, a variety of swords, and his Devil Trigger ability. When activated, it gives him super speed, strength, stealth, flight, and regeneration.

Spawn was a CIA agent when he was killed by his boss. But, Al Simmons had a wife that he loved, and after arriving in Hell, made a deal with the devil Malebolgia to see her one more time. Becoming a hellspawn, he returned to Earth with a body comprised completely of necroplasm. This is the source of his strength, durability, and regeneration. Spawn wears a symbiotic suit that conforms to his needs and desires, forming weapons when needed, and protection even if Spawn is unconcious. Spawn also has the ability to tap into dark magic if required.

Demon killer vs. Demon creature, Dante vs. Spawn seems to be the perfect matchup. But, let’s see how it plays out. Dante has guns, Spawn has chains. Dante has swords, Spawn has a cape that can morph into a battle axe. Dante has his Demon Trigger, Spawn has magic that feeds off of evil. Dante kills demons, Spawn has killed the devil.

Winner: Spawn

Battle #7

Pirates vs. Ninjas

Oh the epic battle to end all epic battles. If there was ever two more popular classes of people, I’m not sure what they would be. Just take a look around this Halloween. Sure, there will be your Spongebob’s and your Darth Vaders… but you can almost count on 1 out of every 10 kids being a Pirate or a Ninja. And all of them will be pissed off when they receive fruit instead of candy in their bags.

Pirates have been around for as long as there have been boats and things to steal. For as long as there have been trade routes and people transporting things, there have been pirates there to jump on board and take all of the good stuff. As early as the 13th Century B.C. pirates have made their presence known. The pirate as we know him today made his impact during the age of exploration, making homes in the Caribbean where the weather was fair, and the movement of goods like sugar, spices, and other easily sold and valuable goods were moved on a regular basis. Pirates employed fast ships, cannons, guns, swords, and fear to acquire wealth.

Ninjas are warriors trained in martial arts and specializing in a type of warfare that utilized stealth and speed to complete tasks impossible for even the strongest army. This guerilla type strategy made the ninja an invaluable asset for assassination, espionage, and scouting. Ninjas played crucial roles as early as the 15th Century when Feudal Japan was in an uproar. A single ninja could find it’s way into heavily guarded areas that an entire armed force would never be able to access, and while there, pilfer knowledge, destroy stored goods, assassinate a trouble maker, and cause chaos to an enemy. The typical ninja employed dark garb, and armor called shinobi shozoku, small explosives, small katana, and of course shuriken or throwing spikes.

Though Pirates have been portrayed as fun loving and easy going sailors, life wasn’t nearly as easy as Johnny Depp made it out to be. Being on a boat for weeks or months at a time with little to nothing to eat made life difficult. Scurvy and bugs in your food made for a shitty night even if you were shitty drunk. Ninjas on the other hand were often members of a community that only donned their garb if necessary, living relatively normal lives until called upon. Sure, Pirates have cannons and guns, but if you can’t even see what you’re shooting at, they wouldn’t be much good. Odds are that a group of Ninja could board a boat full of pirates, drink their rum, kill them all, and be back on land playing a nice game of poker before any alarm could be sounded.

Winner: Ninjas

Battle #8

Mike Tyson vs. Balrog

The youngest Heavy Weight Champ in the history of boxing vs. the first boss on Street Fighter 2. We wouldn’t want to meet either of these guys in the ring, but who packs the bigger punch?

“Iron” Mike Tyson began his boxing career in the early 1980’s after a childhood that obviously prepared him for beating up others. He was ridiculed as a child for his high pitched voice and lisp, and by the age of 13 had amassed 38 arrests. We’re guessing at least 37 of those involved hitting someone in the face. A difficult past led to a desire to achieve, and Tyson found that his fists were perfectly suited to do just that. In 1984 he was considered for the Olympic boxing team and that same year he won the coveted National Golden Gloves award. He made his professional debut in 1985, and in 1986 defeated Trevor Berbick to become the Heavy Weight Champion. His signature move was a hook with the left, followed by an uppercut to the chin. He would hold on to the belt for 4 years.

Balrog made his way into the world as a pixelated portrayal of none other than Mike Tyson. As the first boss in the popular arcade game Street Fighter, Balrog stood in the path of many a gamer making their way to M. Bison. Balrog employs a variety of rush style attacks including Dashing Straight and Dashing Upper, with his signature move being the Turn Punch, which if performed correctly could easily drain up to 50% of his opponent’s health.

We’re gonna be honest here. Mike Tyson is a crazy sonofa bitch, and the Gremlindog.com crew really likes our ears. Besides, Balrog isn’t real, Mike is.

Winner: Mike Tyson

Battle #9

William Wallace vs. King Leonidas

The Scottish Patriot steps up to the King of the Spartans. A battle of want, desire, and freedom is about to begin. But, who’s more badass, who wants it more? Who has more pointy objects to stick in the soft parts of their opponents. Let’s find out.

Sir William Wallace was a Scottish Knight, landowner, and resistance leader in the late 1200’s and early 1300’s. At a time when Scotland was under constant pressure from England to submit, Wallace took up arms to ensure the freedom of his family and people. Braveheart as we know now him stormed onto the scene when he killed a local sheriff, William Heselrig for killing a young woman that Wallace had courted. He gained fame and notoriety when he routed an English army of well over 10,000 men while vastly outnumbered at the Battle of Stirling Bridge. He was a master swordsmen, and had bested many a men including Brian de Jay, master of the English Templars. Wallace was eventually captured and after being hung emasculated and eviscerated, was drawn and quartered, and had his head placed on a pike. We can only assume that during this ordeal he shouted obcenities at the English, and probably called them pig dogs.

Leonidas became the King of Sparta sometime around the year 489 B.C. He was rumored to be a direct descendant of the famed Hercules. Being raised in the country of Sparta, Leonidas was trained from a very young age in the art of warfare. In fact, Spartan children were bathed in wine to ensure they were tough enough to go on living. Training in weaponry, wrestling, and hand to hand combat became the life a young Spartan. Leonidas succeeded in being all that he could be, and eventually gathered 300 Spartans, 700 Thespian, and 400 Thebans to wage war with the entire Persian army. King Leonidas led his men outfitted in Bronze armor, spears, and short swords against an overwhelming force, and managed to inflict great casualties on the larger army, taking some 70,000 men, while only loosing 20 of their own. The Spartans eventually met defeat, and Leonidas was beheaded and crucified. Once again, we can only assume the the severed head of Leonidas mocked Xerxes and his Persians calling them shit heads or something of the like.

Two great men who fought to protect what was theirs; land, family, and freedom. We’d be hard pressed to pick a clear victor were both men on the field surrounded by men watching their backs. While both Wallace and Leonidas would be more than a match for the other individually, we can only guess that the wine soaked Leonidas would prove more than William Wallace could handle single handed. His training began at birth, and though Wallace was a hardy Scot, he did take to wearing a kilt, not bronze armor. We have a feeling this might be just the soft spot mentioned before.

Winner: King Leonidas

Battle #10

Jason Bourne vs. James Bond

Try as we might, there seemed to be few photos available that portrayed either Bourne or Bond without a gun in their hands. And while both men are equally deadly using firearms, their true skill lies in each man’s ability to handle themselves without the aid of a “weapon.”

Jason Bourne is a Green Beret, Delta Force member, and part of an Elite Special Top Secret Force known as Medusa. At least he was until he went rogue and began looking for an answer to his past. Used as an assassin, Jason had a brush with conscience, and upon aborting a mission was shot in the back causing him to loose his memory. He not only recovers it, but goes on to uncover his history all the while taking out hitman after hitman intent on taking his life. Bourne is heavily trained in the use of modern weaponry, hand to hand combat, and espionage. But, it doesn’t take a gun to kill a man, and Bourne has put the beatdown on his opposition with the use of the following: a pen, a book, a magazine, a candlestick holder, and a newspaper.

007, James Bond. The perfect spy and the perfect gentleman. With the backing of M16, James Bond has been trained in the British Royal Navy and the British Secret sService. Bond is an expert in the use of firearms, gadgetry, disguise, cover up, and espionage.  Missions for Bond have included assassination, preventing the use of a satellite weapon, destroying submarines, and protecting royalty. 007, never one to play by the rules often gets on the bad side of his employer by taking matters into his own hands to solve problems. This more often then not involves killing someone because they asked for it. Bond makes use of a number of specialty weapons in his missions which include: jet packs, mini rocket cigarettes, a laser wrist watch, pen guns, and of course the specially outfitted sports car.

Bourne vs. Bond, the battle of spies, the battle of assassins, the battle of crazy motherfuckers. Both are trained in the use of weaponry, both are trained in hand to hand, and both are able to overcome insurmountable odds. But, which agent reigns supreme. Without a doubt, Bond has the longer legacy; he’s been through more, done more, and shagged ten times the women. But, he’s in for a rude awakening. Sure, Bond might use some kind of sleep gas that expels from his bowtie to put Bourne down, however, when he goes to order a martini… you better bet Bourne will be there to break the glass over the bar and shove it in Bond’s ear.

Winner: Jason Bourne

Bonus Battle

Strawberry Shortcake vs. Rainbow Brite

You asked for it, and we deliver. The first ever battle of the girly cartoon characters. But, we’ll be honest. The fight really doesn’t have a lot going for it right off. Strawberry Shortcake makes excellent desserts, and Rainbow Brite is skilled in the formation of colorful things…um. We apologize, but, we’re going to have to stop this one. It’s just that we don’t think this is going to cut it. So, we’ve taken the liberty to spice things up a bit. And by spice things up, we mean more boobs, more legs, and more ass.

Sexy Strawberry Shortcake vs. Sexy Rainbow Brite

Sorry, we can’t quit staring… Both women are well equipped to win this fight, but it’s a matter of two things as far as we’re concerned. First of all, who’s got the better rack, and who’s got the better butt. I think it’s easy to pick a winner here.

Winner: All of Us

Once again, your opinions matter! Please let me know what you think about the match ups, the outcomes, and about future battles you would like to see.