Month: September 2008

The Fist Bump

Per request of a colleague I have been asked to delve into one of the great new mysteries of the age in which we live. Since this associate is also a friend, I endeavor to meet his expectations and come up with the most detailed and accurate description that Wikipedia could ever want to post on their website.

Today, we discover the history and meaning of…

The Fist Bump.

Don’t be alarmed. Your computer screen is not trying to hit you again. But you should be aware of what it means when you see a fist coming your way. Especially if the fist is coming from someone you didn’t cut off in traffic or slept with and never called.

Some say the Fist Bump is the new High Five, and I want to say… Shut your mouth. There is nothing that will EVER replace the High Five on the cool meter.

Look at that shit. Absolutely beautiful. Did you know that both of the guys in that picture won the lottery after the high five. That’s how awesome the High Five is. The High Five makes things happen to you and your friends that you want to High Five each other about.

But, I digress, this isn’t about the High Five, this is about the phenomenon known as the Fist Bump. The Fist Bump recently became the center of media attention surpassing both “Britney Spears” and “Why There Isn’t a Pack of Skittles With Just Reds ‘Cause No One Even Likes the Yellow or Green.” It happened when Barack Obama and his wife Fist Bumped on National television at the Democratic National Convention.


“Word bitch.”

You may have seen Michelle Obama also doing this on “The View” or at a political rally because it’s the democratic thing now. Apparently they’re calling it “America’s Handshake”, a statement which made John McCain make this face.

Not the first time the Fist Bump has been noticed though. Oh no, the Fist Bump has even made it to the big screen recently. Check out this pic from the movie “Talladegga Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.”

With all the attention the Fist Bump has gotten, one just has to wonder where it came from. What is the history behind the Bump? Questions need to be answered, and I’m going to do just that.

Rumor has it that the Fist Bump actually originated when Michael Jordan was playing for the Bulls. Apparently he would always put talcum powder on his hands to ensure proper grip of the basketball. Obviously that worked. Jordan led the Bulls to 6 NBA Championships and won Gold in the Olympics twice. Of course, Jordan wouldn’t want to share any of this talcum powder or “Magic Dust” he had, so apparently instead of shaking hands with the other players before the game, he balled up his fist and hit them in the face. Nah, I’m kidding… he hit their hands.


“Hey Jason. You’re pretty funny.”

Thanks Michael. But, as awesome as His Airness was, he did not invent the Fist Bump. Because, years before he came into fame there was a pair of kids known as the Wonder Twins who Fist Bumped all day.

On the left is Zan, with the power to transform into any form of water. Okay, cool. And on the right is his sister Jayna, who has the ability to turn into any animal, whether real or imaginary. Wow. Zan sure got the shaft on this on huh? Let’s see Zan vs. Jayna in a battle.

Kiddie Pool vs. T-Rex… thank goodness they never had to fight each other. Interestingly enough their powers only worked if they Fist Bumped each other and yelled “Wonder Twin powers activate!” But oh, how hilarious is must’ve been when Jayna wasn’t sure what role Zan was taking that day.


“Jayna NO! It’s me! Stop!”

So the Wonder Twins beat Michael to the Fist Bump, but who beat them? Why none other than the Egyptians. Sure, they developed a lot of the firsts we have in the world. Egyptians are credited with the invention of paper, the ramp, the lever, further development of the chariot, the science of embalming, and most recently they’ve been given credit for the Fist Bump.

As you can see in this painting found on the wall of a pyramid in Egypt, the man on the right is happy that the blue dude has scored with a chick as hot as the lady with a green turkey on her head. He’s offered his fist in hopes of receiving a Fist Bump. If the Bump is not received the dude with the leaky bottle behind him will be free to bash his head in with that squash he’s holding. Ancient Egypt was kinda retarded.

But, history isn’t done with the Fist Bump. Apparently, the Fist Bump is as old as time itself. After picking up a dusty old book the mouse to the computer and reading clicking on some stuff, I stumbled upon a scripture from the Bible.

So apparently Michaelangelo had it all wrong on the Sistine Chapel. Perhaps, the picture below… digitally altered by yours truely is what actually took place.

So there you have it, the origin of the Fist Bump. Quite a colorful backround it has. I hope you’ve learned something and maybe win the next round of Trivial Pursuit you play because of the knowledge I’ve armed you with.

Star Wars… More Like Cute Wars

First off, let me apologize for the unplanned massive display of “toy love” that I’ve shown over the past week. Two articles in so few days revolving around toys must make you think that I have some kind of issue. Well, I do I suppose, I like toys. But, I have to defend myself in saying that “Flashback Fridays” will not always revolve around toys, as mentioned in the “Rolling Thunder” article, it may be about movies, tv, music, etc.

Anyway, on with the show!

Today’s Toy Review is going to focus on something that I’ve been wanting to purchase for myself for quite some time, but, I’ve always said… “No, you’re an adult. Your money is used to pay bills.” However, after delving more into the toy(s) we’re checking out today, I’m pretty sure I’ll be making a trip to the store this evening. Screw electricity, I need these.

Star Wars has teamed up with Hasbro once again for a line of toys that makes little kids scream at their mommies and grown men ignore electricity bills. They go by the name “Star Wars Galactic Heroes Action Figures” which, according to my data…

…is the longest name ever for a line of toys. I guess that the toy line is deserving though. I mean, c’mon look at the C3PO and Chewbacca team up.

Oh just look at them! Cute enough that you almost want to reach out and pinch their little plastic cheeks. The figures are small. Tiny enough to fit in your pocket and bring to school, church, the playground, on a date, or even to work.


“Bro! Hand out of the pocket. Get your own tiny Chewbacca action figure!”

As you can see, each figure is terribly distorted but for the most part true to the original characters. C3PO is all gold and Chewbacca is furry and has gigantic freakish feet. I’m a little disappointed however that they chose to give him a standard issue blaster instead of his traditional crossbow type. And I totally appreciate the little basket they included. You see, at one point Chewie had to put all of C3PO’s body parts in a basket and carry him. So it’s relavent.

This is my absolute favorite of the series, not because of Luke and his “I just rode a horse” stance. It’s my favorite because I love the R2D2. It’s the perfect toy. One that I would fight someone fisticuffs if they tried to take it.


“I’d like to see you try and take this R2D2 from my hand scallywag!”

Luke makes a second appearance in the series alongside his father, Darth Vader. As you can see in the picture he’s mildly retarded. You’re never going to block his lightsaber like that Luke! What are you the Statue of Liberty? I love the detail they kept here. Luke originally carried a blue lightsaber, but it was later swapped out because it didn’t contrast enough with a blue sky. So, they changed it to green. Don’t say you never learned anything reading one of my posts.


By far my least favorite of the bunch. Han Solo and his giant sized blaster and Princess Leia and her “I don’t know” pose. Extra points for the carbonite encased Han though.

We’re crossing over into different eras now. On the left, Kit Fisto and to his right General Grievous. I don’t want to talk about General Grievous because he’s a bastard. But I love Kit Fisto. If I was a Jedi alien, that’d be my name. I find it humorous that George Lucas apparently lost direction with this guy though. He doesn’t look original at all, in fact he looks just like every alien drawing ever scratched together by an anal probe abductee.

“Oh, hi. I’m John Fisto… Kit’s brother.”


The final installment of the series features another look at Luke’s father, Anakin Skywalker before he turned into such a dick. And a Clone Trooper. I really don’t have much to say about these two. But, I would like to point out that they only have four fingers on each hand. I’d also like to point out that I would much rather have a tiny sized Ewok and Yoda instead of these two. Bad move Hasbro. You’ve got me fighting mad now you scallywags!

Probably the best part about the “Star Wars Galactic Heroes Action Figures” series is the promotional literature. Here’s a little nugget from it I found on a toy store website.

“Calling all Jedi and Sith Lords! Wookiees and Tauntauns! Ewoks and Jawas! The Star Wars Galactic Heroes Action Figures have arrived in a galaxy near you! Grab your lightsaber, fire up your X-wing engines and join in the excitement!”

First of all, bad idea inviting mortal enemies to the same party. Second tauntauns are not sentient beings. So, they won’t understand you “calling” them. Why would you rope them in with the Wookies and Sith Lords? You might remember them from “The Empire Strikes Back” when the rebels are on the Ice Planet Hoth. No, I’m the only nerd here huh? Screw you guys. Tauntauns are like a cross between a llama and a kangaroo and long story short, they’re probably the last thing you want at your “Star Wars Galactic Heroes Action Figures” play date with your friends.

Each set retails for $6.69 so there’s not really a good reason not to buy all of these if you’re a big fan of the movie series. Electricity is for suckers anyway… light a candle and have a ball playing with your new toys.

Hannah Montana Mania

Girls, heck boys even, be lovin some Hannah Montana. Hannah Montana Mania, as we in the biz call “Hannah Montana Mania”, has been sweeping the country for awhile now. But, it wasn’t until today at work that I realized just how bad batshit insane that it really is.

I had a customer come into the store with two little girls. They were probably around the age of 6-7, both girls were well behaved. As their mother walked up to the counter they followed…wearing not one, but TWO Hannah Montana T-shirts!

This is only five of the literally 86 gazillion shirts available online for parents to buy for their kids. I did the math and if those two little girls were both wearing Hannah Montana t-shirts… that means that… (carry the 2) 100% of the little girls in my store today were wearing Hanna Montana t-shirts! If they represent an accurate base of all kids in the world. That means that 100% of all little girls are wearing Hannah Montana t-shirts.

Girls from all over the world are wearing Hannah Montana t-shirts. And friends, this is not limited to just little girls. Oh no.

Babies.


Cats.

Even Old Men.

Everyone is in on Hannah Montana Mania. After doing some research… thank you encyclopedia kid…

…I even found that Hannah Montana Mania has been a problem that has plagued our fine country for many many years.

Hannah Montana Mania is out there. You’ve been warned. And as I see it, you have only two options.

#1. Invest in Hannah Montana stock and become rich beyond your wildest dreams.

#2. Or, move to Antarctica and try to get away from it all.

Oh shit.

Rolling Thunder

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

This edition (Otherwise known as the 1st edition) of FLASHBACK FRIDAY is going to be a doozie! After sharing with everyone a box full of my childhood awhile back, I said to myself, I need to do this more often. And that’s exactly what’s going to happen. FLASHBACK FRIDAY’s are a look back into my childhood and things that impacted it. It might be a movie, cartoon, tv show, video game, toy… what have you.

I knew I needed to start off with a bang, that this 1st edition had to be huge. So, I pulled out the big guns, literally.

ROLLING MOTHERFUCKIN THUNDER BABY!

Seriously, this guy was a freakin monster. Released in 1988, retailing at only $24.95, it was a little over 3 feet long, and was only surpased in size by the USS Flagg. Rolling Thunder was the answer to, well just about any problem that GI Joe had on land. And the aircraft carrier took care of everything at sea. Thinking back I don’t know why they saw fit to even bother with any other vehicles. This was all you needed. And if you were like most kids, you probably barely had enough GI Joe’s to actually man this vehicle anyway. There’s 8 guys in the picture on the box alone. I was lucky if I could scratch up 8 GI Joe figures period. And I’ll be damned if you could fit Leonardo and Raphael in that gun turrent.

Here’s an actual picture of the toy. Glorious isn’t it? Take a minute and let’s count the guns mounted on this beast. I got 200, what’d you come up with. Oh, you must’ve forgot to count the one on the little ATV. There’s enough firepower on Rolling Thunder to demolish every Cobra vehicle twice over. And missles… don’t get me started on the missles…

The two big ones are called “Lightning Rockets” and all of those yellow missles on the right were mounted inside them. So not only were you shooting giant rockets at the Cobra A.S.P., you were also raining down 1800 little missles. And to top it off, along came a brand new Joe!

His name is Armadillo, and upon doing some research I found that he was made specifically for the Rolling Thunder vehicle. There is no other like him in the entire world. Which is probably for the best since he looks like a GI Joe shaped dildo.

His file card says it all. “He’s the most reliable driver in the whole GI Joe motor pool!” Well I’d certainly hope so, he’s driving the biggest thing on wheels. If you read down a couple of lines, you’ll find out that Armadillo is “No fun to ride with.” I can just see the arguments between Shipwreck and Lady Jaye about how sure, he’s reliable and all, but how he won’t let anyone listen to anything on the radio but News/Talk.

Easily the biggest toy that I ever owned, with the exception of a trampoline, Rolling Thunder was my key to being the coolest kid my parents had. An award that I’ve won all but two years of my life. And trust me, since I’m an only child I’m not sure how I lost either. The damn poodles aren’t that cute.

As a special bonus just for you, check out the actual commercial for Rolling Thunder… they kinda don’t give Cobra any credit at all, they get ran over alot in the spot. I can see why Rolling Thunder never made it into the show very often, it’d be 30 minutes of Destro getting crushed by giant wheels, Armadillo being an ass about the air conditioner, and Cobra Commander sobbing quietly because he doesn’t have one.

Oh What A Night…

From time to time I find myself lost in thought. Hopefully it doesn’t happen while I’m in the middle of something important, like when I’m operating a giant crane, doing crane things.


Last night was one of those thinking nights. I was by myself and hankering for some entertaining. And entertained I became.

Let’s start with a little backround information. I often go to a local Book/Music/Movie/Game Exchange place to find “new” games to amuse myself and last week found “March Madness 2007” for a very affordable $14.95. I’ve never purchased a sports game brand new before in my life. They’re all essentially the same year to year, and you can save up to 80% off the original cost by waiting a few months. Sure, the guy on the package may no longer play for the team the he’s wearing a jersey for, but that sometimes happens even with the brand spanking new games.

Anywho. So I’ve enjoyed a plate of nachos and I’m ready to sit down and play my game for a bit. And I decide that this party needs a few more friends. Sure it may be the middle of the week, but I deserve to be happy right?

As you can see. I’m happy. And all of the sudden, totally wired.

(Let me pause here for a second to reassure you that I will get to the “thinking” part of this story, as promised at the beginning of the post. It’s just that in order to fully appreciate the “thought” you have to join me on the trip getting there.)

So, I’ve got energy to burn, and my game is just not going to cut it. So what to do? Well, for anyone that knows me, they know I love to clean. And that’s exactly what I did. I grabbed a bottle of Windex, a roll of papertowels, the vacuum and went to town. I realize this is more depressing than funny. But, maybe I can grab a smile off of you by saying that just before I started cleaning, I fired up the computer and turned on one of my favorite songs in the entire world… “Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya.”

Let me share a fews lines from the song with you.

“Where are the legs with which you run,
Hurroo Hurroo
Where are the legs with which you run,
Hurroo Hurroo
Where are the legs with which you run,
When first you went to carry a gun
Indeed your dancing days are done
Johnny I hardly knew ya

You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg,
Hurroo Hurroo
You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg,
Hurroo Hurroo
You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg
You’re a spinless, boneless, chickenless egg
You’ll Have to be put with the bowl to beg
Johnny I hardly knew ya”

(Be sure to check out the “Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya” Video below)

The song is kinda dark and it’s about a boy who goes off to war and gets his ass handed to him. The music is pounding and energizing and just absolutely rocks. It’s by the Dropkick Murphys and I swear, it’ll get you pumped up about anything. And I was certainly pumped up about making my humble home clean.

I’m sure it was quite the scene; me, drunk, cleaning, the Murphys pounding away with the same song on repeat for about an hour. But the home was cleaned, and my energy was drained. It was then that I returned to the game and my couch.

I’d already beaten the game once with WKU Hilltoppers, one of the several colleges I have attended over the years. I didn’t have much trouble beating the game with them, despite the fact that they were only a C-Ranked School. So I set out to find a school that was:

A.) Ranked Lower

B.) Lesser Known

C.) Had a Cool Mascot

I ended up with these guys.

The Iona College Gaels. Ever heard of them? Me either. But, it fit the description. And what better mascot then an angry Irishman. And no, that’s not a crutch, it’s a beating stick.

Now here’s where the “thinking” comes into play. As the game loaded I thought to myself. Am I the first to ever to play as this team?!?! Seriously, there is no less than 200 schools to chose from, why would anyone chose this particular team? I’m sure even the 3,322 students at Iona can find a team they like more. I can just see the guys in a dorm room at Iona…

“Hey dude, check it out, I got March Madness 2007!”

“March Madness 2007, why not 2009?”

“Dude, because I totally saved like 80%.”

“Oh, that’s totally smart thinking… I call dibs on the North Carolina Tarheels.”

“That’s fine dude, I already called dibs on everyone’s favorite Irishmen… Notre Dame.”

That’ll wipe that big Gaelic smile right off the mascot’s face. But, for what it’s worth, the 2008-2009 Iona Gaels Men’s Basketball Team is currently undefeated. Go Gaels!

So there’s my thought. Sorry it took so long. Have a nice day.

No Lady, I’m Actually Not Impressed

Pool owners are a proud people. Let me tell you, I own an above ground pool and it’s not even very big, but damnit, if I don’t strut out to get my mail everyday with my head held a little higher than my neighbor’s head. Never mind the fact that the poor guy is 70 something and bent over like a rotten banana. That’s not the point. Owning a pool seems to give people the impression that they are in some way better than others.
Sure, you have a body of water in your backyard. But, so does this guy… you don’t see him flaunting it.

As the manager of a Full Service Pool and Spa business, I run into some interesting people. Today was no different. So here’s the scenario. This lady walks in with that attitude that I’ve come to call “IownapoolandIamanassholebecauseofit syndrome” and proceeds to tell me about how this and that is wrong with her pool.

“How do I fix it?” she asks.

“Well ma’am, you need to… blah blah blah,” I answer.

“Oh, I know how to do that, and I already have everything I need… I’ve had this pool for 14 years.”

Here we go, this is where it gets good. She’s made the effort to tell me that she’s been a pool owner for half of my adult life. As if I could give half a shit. This is always the point in the conversation where I want more than anything to say something along the lines of…

“Well, look at the time, I better get going. I’ve got lunch with Miley Cyrus, Al Gore, Morgan Freeman, and that lady from the Pine Sol commercials…we’re going to figure out what to pack for our trip to the moon. You see… Miley, Al, Morgan, Pine Sol lady, and myself, we’re going on the first civilian flight to the moon.”

Just to see the look on the lady’s face, it would so be worth it. But, I don’t. I mind my manners and smile. However, she’s not done with me. She’s got more to say!

“The pool has been all my responsibility lately. My husband took a job in Florida, and so he’s never here to help out with this pool. Haha, he’s got his own pool down there to take care of.”

“What does your husband do?” I ask, knowing I’ve made a critical mistake.

“Well,” she smiles that boy this is a doozie smile, “He is a Astro-chemical-surgeon-political-inventor-engineer-scientist.”


Sketch Artist Rendering of Husband

“The company he works for fabricates… blah blah blah… they make the material used in the… blah blah blah… Emergency vehicles at the NASCAR Races. He may-“

“Get to race in a NASCAR Race?”

“No, ride in the pace car at the next race.”

“Oh.” I sighed dejectedly.

I could just imagine the aforementioned husband terrorizing the NASCAR Track in his Delorean.


Actual NASCAR Photo with a Delorean and Kick Ass Flames Added In

That would’ve been a kickass end to this story. But, instead, the lady bought $32.08 worth of stuff. She gave me $40 and then proceeded to do one of the things that pisses me off more than anything.

“Hold on, I’ve got the change.”

And she hands me a quarter. No lady, you don’t have the change. You have some change, but you don’t have THE CHANGE.