Month: December 2008

The 30 Most Bizarre Santas The Internet Has To Offer

There’s something entertaining about putting a random word into a search engine and seeing what the internet provides. It’s an entirely different story when you put in a word that should provide perfectly normal results, and you come up with things like the following. These are The 30 Most Bizarre Santas The Internet Has To Offer, enjoy!

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#1. Santa Fights The Devil

It’s a known fact that in his war against the devil, Jesus recruits Saints to help in the battle. Santa, or Saint Nick was always found in the front lines. Here it looks like he caught Satan off guard during a performance of Hamlet.

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#2. You’re Doing It Wrong Santa

This is either Santa’s evil twin brother Stan Claus, or he has never experienced Christmas before. The colors are red and white Stan!

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#3. Santa the Deer Charmer

You might be thinking… “Hey what’s wrong with Santa playing a saxophone, that’s cool.” But, what’s really going on here is that Santa has studied the art of Snake Charming… sadly he’s substituted the usual snake, for Blitzen.

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#4. Santa macks on some Ho Ho Hos.

About one out of every 10 Santa images on the internet brings either a Sexy Santa Chick or a pic of Santa with a Sexy Chick. This is our favorite. She didn’t even bother dressing up in holiday attire, she’s just a hoe.

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#5. Santa Battles The Flash

Sure, we could assume that Flash made the Naughty List, and therefore Santa is only doing what is necessary. The bigger question is: Why are there three gun toting, short wearing Santas?

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#6. Santa Visits The Baby Jesus

He was left out of most Bibles, but according to this, Santa was indeed at the manger along with the other wise men. He didn’t bring frankincense, gold, or myrrh. Santa brought what Jesus really wanted, a Nintendo Wii.

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#7. Santa Twins

Honestly, we’ve got nothing on this one. Santa battling his evil twin Stan for a maraschino cherry? Anyone have any clue?

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#8. Santa Arrested

It was bound to happen. Santa is finally arrested for Breaking and Entering.

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#9. Santa On Vacation

Everyone deserves a break from their jobs. But isn’t there some kind of rule about men with bellies full of jelly keeping their shirts on at the beach?

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#10. Santa Battle Halloween Man

The caption in the top right says it all… “The Battle That Had To Happen, Halloween vs. Christmas!” The battle for holiday supremacy is one thing, but why in the hell are there three Fetish Nuns!?!?!?

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#11. Buttplug Santa Statue

Sure, you could make the excuse that Santa is simply holding a poorly made Christmas Tree in his hand. You could…

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#12. Smoking Is Cool Santa

Before is advertising contract with Coke came into play, Santa had to do something to make ends meet.

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#13. Santa The Ass Kicker

Halloween Man better watch his back, because this Santa means business.

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#14. Shaka Santa

It’s all groovy in Santa’s neighborhood. We just wish the picture was taken a little farther out, it’d be awesome to know what the statue is to the right.

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#15. Santa Riding A Reindeer Scooter

At Christmas, Santa uses the sleigh pulled by reindeer. The rest of the year, he rides this piece of crap.

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#16. Santa Shits Candy

We’ll quote Family Guy’s version of the Crazy Mickey Rooney on this one… “Open up your stockings kids!”

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#17. Santa Plays The Bongos

First, why would Santa ever need to play the bongos? Second… the “Try Me” sticker is a sad attempt at selling a ridiculous concept. “Try me… please?”

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#18. Naked Santa

Nothing says boner like a naked chick. Nothing says limp dick like a naked Santa.

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#19. The Night Jesus Met Santa Claus

We bet the illustrator of this book nearly lost it when he was given this task. “Um, yeah… we need you to draw Santa… on the floor of a house. With Jesus pointing at him. No, seriously.” We bet that CD is priceless too.

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#20. The Night Christmas Was Ruined For Everyone

At one point, everyone’s dad probably dressed up as Santa in a ploy to woo us into believing in a little Christmas magic. This, would be like doing the exact opposite.

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#21. Santa Moped Army

In America, we have the Hell’s Angels. In Japan, there’s Santa’s Moped Army.

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#22. Washed Up Santa

You try living with a bunch of elves and see if it doesn’t lead you to drinking yourself stupid.

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#23. Scary As Hell Santa

Someone please hold us.

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#24. Eco-friendly Santa

Everyone has to do their part to save the planet.

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#25. Santa Doom

The Fantastic Four thwarted Dr. Doom on hundreds of occasions. On this one, we bet they just let play out whatever retarded scheme he had thought up. You know, just for laughs.

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#26. Cracked Out Of His Skull Santa

The insane thing about this one, is that someone actually thought this was a good example of what ol’ Saint Nick looked like.

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#27. Dear Santa Claus…

Dear Santa Claus…. We’re sorry that we made this graphic, we were drunk and have no idea what we were thinking.

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#28. Santa Speared By A Jet Plane

Oh, we bet the big wigs at the airline just thought they were hilarious when they thought this up. It probably was funny, right up until the first couple of kids arrived to board the plane.

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#29. Live Phone Calls From Santa

Officially the worst Sex Chat Hotline in the world.

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#30. Santa Riding A Rocket Ship

What really happened when Rudolph couldn’t guide his sleigh.

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If you’ve seen or heard of a weird and bizarre Santa, tell us about it in the comments section!

10 Greatest Funny Christmas Movies Ever

These are the 10 Greatest Funny Christmas Movies Ever. They’ll put you in the Christmas spirit while making you laugh… hard to beat. Enjoy!

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#10 – Deck The Halls

Starring: Matthew Broderick & Danny Devito

From: 2006

All and all an entertaining movie, but the part the always brings the most laughs is when Matthew Broderick’s character Steve asks the Santa Dancers “Who’s your daddy?” and finds that his own daughter is one of the dancers… priceless.

Memorable Quote:

Buddy Hall: I want my house to be seen from space!

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#9 – Jingle All The Way

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger & Sinbad

From: 1996

One of the few movies that Arnold is not trying to shoot or destroy something, full of funny bits, with the best being his parts with Comedian Sinbad.

Memorable Quote:

Myron Larabee: I work for the post office so you know I’m not stable! Tell ’em!
Howard Langston: This man is totally insane.
Myron Larabee: Thank you!

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#8 – Eight Crazy Nights

Starring: Adam Sandler

From: 2002

A funny animated film from Adam Sandler about a guy that just doesn’t like Christmas much, plenty of funny bits, most of which involve Whitey.

Memorable Quote:

Davey: Hey jelly jugs, next time you come to my gym you better wear a bra.

Whitey: He’s was just kidding son, you’ve got very nice breasts.

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#7 – How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Starring: Jim Carrey

From: 2000

The live action version of the original animated classic, starring Carrey as the Grinch himself. The best part by far, is any time that the Grinch belittles Cindy Lou Who.

Memorable Quote:

Cindy Lou Who: Thanks for saving me.
The Grinch: [ stops in his tracks] Saving you, is that what you think I was doing? Wrongo. I just noticed that you were improperly packaged, my dear.
[grabs wrapping paper and starts wrapping Cindy up]
The Grinch: Hold still.
[ to Max]
The Grinch: Max, pick out a bow.
[ to Cindy]
The Grinch: Can I use your finger for a sec?

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#6 – Four Christmases

Starring: Vince Vaughn & Reese Witherspoon

From: 2008

A story about what all of us dread, the many houses we have to attend around the holidays. Hilarious because each family visited has a little something in common with our own. Except for maybe our mom’s dating our old best friends.

Memorable Quote:

Jim: I’m not trying to be your father, I’m hoping for a chance to be your friend.

Brad: You were my friend, you were my best friend, but now you’re sleeping with my mom and it’s a little bit weird for me.

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#5 – Bad Santa

Starring: Billy Bob Thorton

From: 2003

The worst side of Christmas rears it’s ugly head in the form of Billy Bob Thorton as a mall Santa in this hilarious “Christmas” movie. Best part, Willie waking up to Christmas music on his alarm clock radio and dropping about 15 F-bombs.

Memorable Quote:

Sue: I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seeded childhood thing.
Willie: So is my thing for tits.

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#4 – Fred Claus

Starring: Vince Vaughn & Paul Giamatti

From: 2007

A great movie about how the other half of the Claus family lives. Vaughn plays Fred, the brother to Santa Claus who doesn’t have it quite as Holly Jolly as is brother, as seen when his brother Santa, parents, and his girlfriend attempt to stage an intervention.

Memorable Quote:

Fred: Santa’s having some trouble getting the sled off the ground?
[his mother plugs her ears]
Mother Claus: [ singing] Jingle bells, jingle bells…

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#3 – A Christmas Story

Starring: Peter Billingsley & Darren McGavin

From: 1983

Where do you begin with this classic that covers every nuance of the holiday season from an evil mall Santa, to school bullies. You could list a hundred best parts of the movie, but the Leg Lamp easily outshines them all.

Memorable Quote:

Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult:[narrating] Football? Football? What’s a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out ‘football’.
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult:[narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.

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#2 – Elf

Starring: Will Ferrell & James Caan

From: 2003

By far the most hilarious part of this movie is Buddy trying to hug a raccoon, but the entire movie will make you laugh.

Memorable Quote:

Gimbel’s Santa: Now what can I get you for Christmas?
Buddy: Don’t tell him what you want, he’s a liar.
Gimbel’s Santa: Let the kid talk.
Buddy: You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?
Gimbel’s Santa: Just cool it, Zippy.
Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.
Gimbel’s Santa: Look, I’m not kiddin’.
Buddy: You’re a fake.
Gimbel’s Santa: I’m a fake?
Buddy: Yes!
Gimbel’s Santa: How’d you like to be dead, huh? Ho, ho, just kidding.
Buddy: You stink.
Gimbel’s Santa: I think you’re gonna have a good Christmas, all righ t.
Buddy: You smell like beef and cheese, you don’t smell like Santa.

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#1 – National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Starring: Chevy Chase & Randy Quaid

From: 1989

Funniest Moment: Though the entire movie is worth a thousand laughs, the shining moment has to be when Cousin Eddie arrives and Clark does a double take. From there, it’s all gut busting laughs.

Memorable Quote:

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I’m doing just fine, Clark.