Don’t let people fool you, everyone in the world is looking for someone to love, and to be loved by. It’s ingrained in the human psyche to long for affection, comfort, respect, and affirmation. Sometimes that desire is so strong, people are willing to attach themselves to inanimate objects, a trait called Objectophilia. Johnny Lee’s song “Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places” is all about the troubles and heartaches involved in finding the right person to love. We’re pretty sure these people were the inspiration of every damn word that Johnny sang.
It’s the Top 5 People Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places!
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The Lover: Erika La Tour Eiffel
The Loved: The Eiffel Tower
Erika is a former soldier who lives in San Francisco, California. Being a woman who suffered assorted trauma as a child, she grew up unable to form lasting, loving relationships with other humans. This might make you feel sorry for Erika, but don’t. She’s quite content with her love life, and has probably had more relationships than you. Her first love was named Lance, a bow. No, not boy… bow. As in archery. As in, not Robin Hood, but his trusty ash bow and arrows. As in, this lady liked archery so much that she fell in love with the bow that helped her become a world class archer. Young love is short and sweet, and Erika eventually moved on to a relationship with the Berlin Wall, and has also carried on a long term physical relationship with a piece of fence she keeps in her bedroom. We’re not sure what kind of fence, and we don’t want to imagine.
She now only has eyes for the Eiffel Tower and even legally changed her last name to make the union official in the eyes of the court. The crazy court. This most recent foray took her half way across the world to Paris, France where she joined the Parisian landmark in Holy Matrimony on June 4th, 2008. Though the ceremony lacked much of the pomp and circumstance that is popular at a regular wedding, it was attended by 12 of Erika’s closest friends, 20 pigeons, and about 500 other people that just happened to be climbing around on her beloved tower.
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The Lover: Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer
The Loved: The Berlin Wall
Eija has spent much of her adult life in a relationship she developed as a child of 7. The object of her desire was spotted on television in her parent’s house back in 1961, and she knew it was meant to be. She was going to being Mrs. Berlin Wall. The wall was constructed by the Soviets and immediately caught Eija’s eye, due to the way the wall was built. “I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy,” she’s quoted as saying. If that’s the case…
Mrs. Berliner-Mauer, which is German for Mrs. Berlin Wall, lives in Northern Sweden, married the wall on her 6th visit to it. Her ceremony was simple, and shared by a few close friends. When asked if there’s any other walls she finds good looking? She said “”The Great Wall of China’s attractive, but he’s too thick – my husband is sexier.” This just goes to show you, that everyone, even Objectophiliacs are more into looks than personality. The Great Wall is a nice guy, so what if he’s a little “thick.” As if to confirm our theory, after the Berlin Wall was “torn down”, Eijn complained that they had mutilated her husband and has since started up a relationship with a nearby yard fence. Really, another fence?
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The Lover: Joachim A.
The Loved: A Steam Locomotive
Though Joachim A. hasn’t taken the plunge and married his Steam Locomotive. He’s been pretty faithful to it for the past few years. You see, guys just have a harder time settling down. And with good reason, Joachim says “We’re by no means just straightforward fetishists” referring to himself and other like minded Object Lovers. With people attuned to objectophilia, it’s not about having nice things so you can score with chicks. It’s all about having nice things so you can score with the nice things. Like a sweet sports car.
Joachim, 41, was only 12 when he realized that he was different. He fell head over heels “into an emotionally and physically very complex and deep relationship, which lasted for years” with a freaking pipe organ. Sure, most 12 year olds are liable to hump just about anything being that they are at the peek of puberty. But, whereas most young men are flipping through a J.C. Penny’s catalog to look at the bra section, Joachim got his rocks off from the technical workings of machines. Kind of how a woman can get off with a vibrator, only not even remotely arousing to watch.
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The Lover: Taichi Takashita
The Loved: A Comic Book
Who hasn’t fallen in love with a character in a book or magazine? i know plenty of guys who have spent quality time with a Playboy magazine in a room with a locked door. The thing is, those relationships only last a couple of minutes. For Taichi Takashita, it’s a more long-term relationship that he’s after. On his website, he has written, “I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world.” Takashita, is looking to hook up with a comic book. In Japan, it is illegal for anyone to marry anyone or anything other than a member of the opposite sex, but, Taichi is out to change that. And you know what, he might just be on to something…
He has started a website that he is using to petition the government to change their laws. He needs 1 Million signatures to even draw any attention, so far he has one thousand. But that’s only after a week. If he keeps his current pace, he’ll have reached his goal in a little over 19 years. So, don’t hold your breath. Japanese comics, or manga are beloved by young and old alike, and some often take that love to extremes. Even current Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso recently complained to the media because he has been “too busy” to enjoy his comics.
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The Lover: Ulli Hopper
The Loved: A Pineapple
By far the “sweetest” relationship on our list is one that only happened on a whim. Ulli Hopper, better known as German Pop Star Ramma Damma picked up his bride for around $16 dollars 38 years ago, and married her in Scotland. Tippi, the pineapple, and Hopper honeymooned in Gretna Green. Gretna Green is a town on the West Coast of Scotland, and was home to one of the original folk stories of a person marrying an inanimate object. There, according to legend, a local blacksmith wed his anvil. The town, along with all of Scotland, was, in the past at least, wide open to “irregular marriages.” Being a haven of sorts, not unlike Las Vegas in the United States, for those who wished to get married when they shouldn’t. Kind of like both of Britney Spear’s weddings.
In his hometown of Munich, Ulli Hopper is a conservationist known as the Green Rebel, the only Rebel less intimidating than the Yellow Rebel that refuses to eat mustard, lemons, squash, and bananas. In Germany, he runs the nation’s only plant sanctuary, home to over 300 plants. He’s completely self sufficient, growing his own food and brewing his own Plum Cider. I guess you would need to be pretty self sufficient if your wife was a pineapple and probably rotted away a couple months after you got married.
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If you’ve been inspired (and by “inspired” we mean, made you laugh) to try a relationship with an inanimate object, say your Nintendo Wii or your favorite flavor of Fruit By The Foot, this website actually offers advice on how to go about your relationship. Who knows, it might even work out better than the last trainwreck you called a date.
Also, for some more fun, be sure to check out on BBC Men in love with life sized dolls.
