The Bible is crazy weird sometimes. No doubt about it. These verses… they make me wanna curl up in a ball and cry they’re so bizarre.
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#1 – Psalm 137:9
“Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”
Whoa! Seriously, happy about throwing your kids around? Maybe a little too harsh a punishment for not eating your vegetables.
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#2 – 2 Kings 18:27
“But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?”
This guy was hardcore like Bear Grylls, suggesting that dining on poop and pee would be an enjoyable pastime.
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#3 – Deuteronomy 21:18-21
“If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.”
A very hardcore look at parenting. Obviously they didn’t believe in “time outs” in Bible times.
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#4 – Mark 14:51-52
“A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.”
History’s first recorded streaker perhaps?
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#5 – Ezekiel 16:17
“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.”
Obviously this was one of the less attractive relationships available, but, “better than being alone” some might argue.
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#6 – Judges 3:19-24
“But he himself turned back at the idols near Gilgal and said, ‘I have a secret message for you, O king.’ And he commanded, ‘Silence.’ And all his attendants went out from his presence. And Ehud came to him as he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. And Ehud said, ‘I have a message from God for you.’ And he arose from his seat. And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. Then Ehud went out into the porch and closed the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locked them. When he had gone, the servants came, and when they saw that the doors of the roof chamber were locked, they thought, ‘Surely he is relieving himself in the closet of the cool chamber.’“
Seriously, what? So, there’s a fat guy, and he gets stabbed, and he’s got poo coming out of his back, and the guards just assume that… you know what, nevermind.
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#7 – Deuteronomy 23:1
No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.
Scary for anyone that has ever A.) been kicked in the balls, B.) racked themselves, or C.) forgot their cup during the big game.
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#8 – 1 Samuel 18:25-27
Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.
So, apparently long before Saturday Night Live, King David had done the “Dick in a box” trick.
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#9 -Numbers 11:18
“And tell the people to purify themselves, for tomorrow they will have meat to eat. Tell them, ‘The LORD has heard your whining and complaints: ‘If only we had meat to eat! Surely we were better off in Egypt!’ Now the LORD will give you meat, and you will have to eat it. And it won’t be for just a day or two, or for five or ten or even twenty. You will eat it for a whole month until you gag and are sick of it. For you have rejected the LORD, who is here among you, and you have complained to him, ‘Why did we ever leave Egypt?’“
Sure, at first you think. No biggie. I love steak. We love steak too. What about a baked potato? That sound nice too? TOO BAD, JUST MEAT FOR YOU!
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#10 – Ezekial 23:19-20
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.
Oh my.
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Have any bizarre Bible verses you’d like to share? We know the Bible is full of them. Post your ideas in the Comments Section and we’ll add them to the list!
Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave. One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father.”
That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.
The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I lay with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.” So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went and lay with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.
So both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their father.
Genesis 19:30-36
This is just stupid. Half of those are taken completly out of context, and the other half are old testament. For the record, many christians believe the old testament laws to be for a more sinful time, before christ came to show us the way. Not that they are useless, but you wont see a christian cutting his wifes tounge out for speaking out of turn.
World’s largest beautiful flower It is one of the most bizarre and improbable organisms on the planet. It produces no leaves, stems or roots but …
Samaria will be desolated, because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword, their infants will be dashed to pieces, and their pregnant women ripped open. Hosea 13:16
Wow, it’s amazing how when you take things out of context and put them up on a webpage with funny pictures they seem weird. How odd.
Very funny verses. But don’t you think it’s just a little douche-baggy of you to take some of them out of context?
2 Kings 2:23-24
23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
“Wahhh wahhh! It’s out of context!”
How do you put killing babies in context? What can babies do that warrants killing them? kind of person kills a baby and becomes happy?
What about a more sinful time would make it cool to not allow the man who lived a good life into Heaven because he had his penis cut off? If I cut off a good Christian’s penis on his death bed and he doesn’t get into Heaven, does that sound just?
Did the article say that these articles made the Bible stupid or made Christianity obviously wrong, or did it say that these verses were bizarre? Take that stick out of your bum and face it, these verses are bizarre.
I don’t see how these are taken out of context. Christians have a tendency to only acknowledge the verses that are easy to defend. But ignore the others because it is uncomfortable to think about.
Dave
I’m so glad you did this Mav. What’s funny is the people who are actually pissy. This always happens when anyone brings up religion and they don’t find humor in how some of the things written. They say context and out of context, but seriously its like reading a newspaper, how many times have stories been published wrong? Plenty of times. So we’re to say that everything in this book is FACT and take it so literally. Some people need to read between the lines. For example, some of the people who wrote it were thieves, tax collectors, some prophets (we’ve seen how correct those guys are “world ending in 2000, uh 2001, uh 2002”, etc lol).
People need to understand, that it’s not about a book, that’s not the point, the point is that you go out and do good things for people, have faith in god, and when they do something horrible, realize they have done wrong and ask for forgiveness.
I’m just glad I have common sense, an open mind for religion, and an eye for crap that obviously can be a form of yellow journalism or word of mouth that was spread over years changing stories around.
So the old testament doesn’t matter because you don’t throw your baby against a rock and you can’t cut out your wife’s tongue for speaking out of turn. But, it matters when two men want to get married? Strange how that works.
Do you think you could explain how they were taken out of context? ^_^
@ “How Dumb”
No but what you will see is christians discriminating homosexuals because it says so in the bible. It’s so funny how christians pick parts of the bible and follows it like their life depended on it, but when it’s inconvinient for them they just ignore it.
If you discriminate other human beings because the bible says so you should also stone your disobiedient children or cut out your wife’s tounge. Stop being so goddamned hypocritical and inconsistent!
Bit of a generalization, Dave. If we’re going to generalize then might I argue that non-Christians have a tendency to declare lack of understanding by Christians as “ignoring” out of discomfort. A large part of Christianity is faith. There are always those philisophical arguments…how can God be just when there is so much suffering in the world…that are beyond the understanding. Maybe it’s entirely possible Christians are not “ignoring” difficult scripture but rather don’t have the answers.
You really don’t need to worry too much about context with some of these. I have read them before and some are just mental. Nor do you need to get all ‘is this anti-Christian’. They’re weird – get over it. Who needs all those foreskins anyway? The Lot one is pretty crazy too.
What is so wrong with saying the verses were taken out of context? It’s like taking one sentence out of the middle of a newspaper article and suggesting you know the point and background of the entire article from that one sentence. You can’t take one verse out of the Old Testament and imply you know what the entire book is about. What’s wrong with saying that? I am a Christian and I will agree, these verses are bizarre. Old Testament times were bizarre. But I have yet to understand why someone saying these verses can’t be read with understanding because they were taken out of context sends people into a tail spin. Relax.
I would say this was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while and that you did good work, finding these gems…but I’m afraid that saying that might be taken “out of context” 🙂
“You shall not molest or oppress an alien, for you were once aliens yourselves in the land of Egypt.”
~Exodus 22:22
Great post- do you have a contact email? I can’t seem to find one anywhere on the site. I’d like to send you a message. Thank you.
It’s embarrassing that those of you who claim to have strong faith consistenly demonstrate how weak your faith really is by getting upset at things like this post. If you truly believed what you claim, you would just disregard things like this as meaningless and not give them a second thought.
The interesting thing about faith is that it can’t be proved – the interesting thing about religious nutcases is how often they try to do just that. Rather touching really……..
Wow.
People, chill out.
God loves jokes too.
Just find humor in it.
> The interesting thing about faith is that it can’t be proved – the interesting thing about religious nutcases is how often they try to do just that. Rather touching really……..
Love that, Ratso. It’s so true. And funny.
That last one, from Ezikiel…I wonder how they knew that last part…
haha so those are bizzare, but I bet if ya actually looked at it ya could figure out what most of them mean.
For number one go here http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=PS%20137, it’s a song of revenge….ok, revenge is still wrong, but it is a song written by a man, not a command from God or a proverb or anything.
And number 5, it really means worshiping other idols besides God, not sleeping with a statue lol it’s like cheating on God with another god…
Those are all I’m gonna talk about for now, I have an essay to write….
The fact is most of the old test, scripture was taken literal but had symbolic meaning which many will not understand without the spirit of god directing them.
Those scripture spoken of can be understood easily if you study jewish customs.
AS for kids killed in the bible, we all deserve to die because we are all wicked sinners. But when the new test, time came. mercy and grace came with it. Today, part of the old test. law isnt in effect, but some are.
The moral law will always stand
One way to know what stands today from the old test. is what it says in the new test. Such as homosexuality. It is an abomination every where you look. Its gods law, not mine. I didnt create humans , he did. He has the right and is much more wiser than me.
So, I think i will listen to him, rather than a squirt on the internet who love their fleshy desires more than the one who created his flesh.
The question is “am I sinning or not?”
Read the word it will tell you.
God bless
“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.”
This passage doesnt meant they directly had sex with a statue.. be real.
They were used in worship while participating in prostitution indirectly.. Do your homework
@tim
if there is one thing that is mandatory to being a true christian it’s tolerance and by ur writing it seems that u lack it
how are u a christian then? knowing the bible and preaching to others doesn’t make u one … tolerance and not judging others does – too bad u don’t see it that way…
Bible is not for idiots to read – here’s some tips for you – CONTEXT!
Oh, come on!!! There are two types of texts in the Bible.First, the one that expresses Gods attitude towards certain issues and second, ones that simply say what will happen as a CONSEQUENCE of “bad behaviour”…Bible spoke to people in that sort of language people were able to understand, stressing horrid nature of sin and hopeless state of people who turned from God as their protector.
religion is for imbeciles
Tim, how is someone going to argue with someone as blind as you? Religion produces blind faith and unquestioning obedience to authority. That’s why governments all throughout history have used it for their own ends. How do you think the word of Jesus actually spread? To me it’s pretty obvious that the only reason close-minded people like you have ever even heard of Jesus is because the Roman Empire decided to make Christianity its “official” religion. Oh and look at all the “holy” things that took place after that, and that are STILL taking place. A little research’ll show you that almost all “Christian” holidays are really pagan and other religious h-days, picked by a bureaucracy to help create cohesion throughout the empire. C’mon man, you ever been to a war protest? You ever thought for one instant that our country is run by evil rich fucks, who have killed millions, who got elected by sheep like you because they quoted some bible verses? You think Jesus would’ve been standing by while hundred’s of thousands of innocent people were killed in a war for corporate profit? If Jesus was walkin around today with no job, long hair, and just preaching love…..you’d call him a fuckin’ hippy and then ask for forgiveness to nothing for saying “fuckin” (which is really just a sound coming from an animal). Open your eyes dude.
The truth is Jesus never countermanded the OT as a whole. Jesus is quoted as saying he wanted to make sure his message was in addition to the evil of the old testament. Christians never know their shit, because if they had a mind for consistent logical thinking they would stop being Christians.
Pretty sad to think most Americans follow such asinine words as if it were all that matters.
…and moses tied his ass to a tree, thense walked a mile up the mountain…(thereby proving the human butt is quite elastic…)
This is what we christians get for calling the bible the “word of God”.The bible rather contains the words of God and points to the WORD of God,Yeshua the Messiah(Jesus the Christ)
If we persist in saying the bible(group of writings or books) is THE WORD of God we will confuse others and decieve ourselves.Did God tell Eve to partake of the fruit?….No the devils words were recorded there…not the Word of God
Did God tell Judas to go kill himself …..No…the bible only records it.
Was it God or the psalmist ask why do wicked men prosper?…It was David the psalmist a man who uttered those words….Not God…God gave him the answer ..not to be envious because the wicked shall meet their end and be judged.
My point….??
If people understood that the bible which is a collection of God inspired instructions and historical, religious and spiritual events people will understand that some messed up stuff are in the bible that God does not expect us to do.Nor does he condone many of them….like cutting off your enemies foreskins to get a wife.
Also not all things in the bible are to be taken literally.Some are metophors and hense symbolic like the books of prophicies…like those 2 from the book of Ezekiel.Other this are literal like..”Thou(You) shall not steal”
There are many things in the bible we may never understand here on earth…but my understanding of the parts I know is clear…We all have sinned…some more than others …but still sinned which deserves death BUT Jesus Christ took our place in dying and only ask for us to accept it and trust Him for the pardon to be effective.He asks that we trust Him and carefully follow Him as to not to keep practicing sin.The bible isnt the way it only points to the way…Jesus
jim you were being sarcastic wit ur comment right?
Heh…yeah, there is some weird stuff in the Bible. Atleast some of that by itself is indeed odd. Once you study the times and cultural surroundings, they aren’t all that odd 🙂
And my dear, mistaken, fellow theological scholars, you really all need to calm down. He isn’t taking anything out of context, in the sense that he is not forming any opinion in oppostion to the scripture based off of the ones given. he is simply saying that these are some odd verses, which, with a lack of exegetical knowlege, they do seem odd. So cool your jets, seriously. Yes, he is entitled to his opinion that the Bible is weird, He’s not attacking christianity or burning a cross. calm the frick down, lol
Oh btw Andy, Jesus’ purpose regarding the OT law was not to abolish the law or countermand it, but to fulfill it as a means of briding the gap between man and God 🙂 (to be put simply)
Wake up and smell the coffee you religious lunatics! There is no god, there never has been, and even if there was one who was anything like you christians, muslims and jews believe in he would be a complete shit and worthy only of our utter contempt. Religion has always bred hatred not love, even between followers of the same religion (protestants and christians. Religion does not solve the problems of the world, it exacerbates them. Of course anyone is free to believe in what they want, whether it be fairies, leprechauns, goblins, ghouls or gods, but this doesn’t mean that anyone else has to take them seriously. Only when the majority of people stop hiding behind religion and face up to the problems of the real world will we have a chance of making things better. Forget the religious superstitious nonsense that divides us and concentrate on what unites us – our humanity.
I assume you meant “bridging” 😛
My fiancee and I were getting a good laugh out of Ezekiel tonight. I googled some of the phrases and found your page. Funny how they try to say the prostitute women who pay for sex (shouldn’t that make the men the prostitute, then?) is an “allegory” for “unfaithful Jerusalem.” Um, so Jerusalem likes to make gold dildoes to fuck its vagina? Oookay then. A little specific for an “allegory”..
LOL Dee, I see you tried to defend Ezekiel…sounds like that allegory propaganda is getting to your head! Interesting how Bibles insert their professional modern opinion that it’s a metaphor… haha yeah right. It’s all about dehumanizing women and sexual activity, and making it sound dirty and wrong. It has nothing to do will allegory.
The argument that this site is anti-christian is preposterous. I am pretty sure all, if not most, of these quotes are from what christians call the old testament, which as a Jew I call the bible. Therefore, this site is either making light of quotations that are bizarre in light of our times or are anti-judeo-christian, anti-semetic, or (though I cannot say this last one with certainty due to my limited knowledge of Islam) anti-muslim because the islamic holy text(s) contain both the old and new testaments.
It is in my opinion that people are entirely too sensitive about bible quotes and do find it interesting as previous argued on this site that people are so willing to omit the parts of the bible that are not consistent with what they are dogmatically and traditionally led to believe as opposed to what is laid out in law. I always found it amazing that Christians do not follow the strict law of Kashrut the outline what is dietarily prohibited by God in the bible. I find it interesting how the Son of God could illuminate upon creation any further than the infallible being that is the Creator, Lord of the Universe–aka The Holy Ghost.
However I will not belittle these beliefs and choices made by others. I myself am not a religious person, I prefer to be decent in lieu of self-righteous (as I find many “pious” people to be, not all by far, but many). I do not preach but Christianity is so self absorbed at times that it forgets its deep root in Judaism. These two religions are basically the same–Siblings at best cousins at worst–with the simple fundamental difference being the regard of the exacting details of the messianic prophesy and traditions. Islam too falls under this umbrella.
The proposition that the laws in the old testament are barbaric as stated in earlier posts is insulting and disingenuous as there are many who live by them today, even in secularity. Case in point the ten commandments which are the cornerstone of the laws of the very society in which we live.
Bringing back the original point, in the times in which we live all of these quotations are a little bizarre and if, say today, they were to originate from a country that was either communist or muslim I guarantee the world would be in uproar but because they are hidden deep within the prevalent religions in western culture they are simply dismissed as anachronistic.
In any event the story about Ehud was expected. It was always one of my favorites from the bible because it was so gangster and because it was hilarious to me as a child. People need to lighten up about scripture and focus more on message. The message is “be good to each other, be fair, and leave Judgement to God”.
You don’t understand Psalms 137 at all, do you? It is a lament by someone who is in utter despair. His whole race of people have been conquered, he is being marched off into captivity. Many of his family not valued as slaves were simply killed. His homeland was wrecked and ruined. His nation that was a thousand years old looked like it would cease to exist. Yet his captors demanded that he dance and sing joyful songs to entertain them. That’s what the chapter is about. That’s why he would rather have his children killed than to experience that. It is one of the most powerful accounts ever written and is often studied in Bible School. Do you like laugh when you watch Schindler’s List and applaud when Bambi’s mother dies?
Deuteronomy 25:11-12
If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.
I guess this WHOLE BLOG is the Christians Shoving Christianity down the atheist throats huh? Looks to me like the usual non-believers making fun and persecuting Christians just like the Bible said they would. THATs one of the reasons its real to me. The Koran says almost the same as the Bible and only ONE guy wrote that. But are all the “HYPER-INTELLEGENT” atheist persecuting them. NO! GET A LIFE
Ha Ha Ha Ha Funny Pic..! I love That Footballers ..!
Faces Stabbed with Swords and Knives This is So Cool
If a man rapes a virgin, and gets caught, he must pay her father 30 pieces of silver, and then marry her.
-Deuteronomy 22:28-29
What are you saying, Required? Do you DOUBT the word of God?
I love how these morons keep compaining about taking verses out of context….as if most of their “christian” ministers don’t do that every sunday…I guess only when it suits your cause right “christians??”