The Bible is crazy weird sometimes. No doubt about it. These verses… they make me wanna curl up in a ball and cry they’re so bizarre.
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#1 – Psalm 137:9
“Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”
Whoa! Seriously, happy about throwing your kids around? Maybe a little too harsh a punishment for not eating your vegetables.
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#2 – 2 Kings 18:27
“But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?”
This guy was hardcore like Bear Grylls, suggesting that dining on poop and pee would be an enjoyable pastime.
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#3 – Deuteronomy 21:18-21
“If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.”
A very hardcore look at parenting. Obviously they didn’t believe in “time outs” in Bible times.
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#4 – Mark 14:51-52
“A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.”
History’s first recorded streaker perhaps?
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#5 – Ezekiel 16:17
“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.”
Obviously this was one of the less attractive relationships available, but, “better than being alone” some might argue.
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#6 – Judges 3:19-24
“But he himself turned back at the idols near Gilgal and said, ‘I have a secret message for you, O king.’ And he commanded, ‘Silence.’ And all his attendants went out from his presence. And Ehud came to him as he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. And Ehud said, ‘I have a message from God for you.’ And he arose from his seat. And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. Then Ehud went out into the porch and closed the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locked them. When he had gone, the servants came, and when they saw that the doors of the roof chamber were locked, they thought, ‘Surely he is relieving himself in the closet of the cool chamber.’“
Seriously, what? So, there’s a fat guy, and he gets stabbed, and he’s got poo coming out of his back, and the guards just assume that… you know what, nevermind.
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#7 – Deuteronomy 23:1
No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.
Scary for anyone that has ever A.) been kicked in the balls, B.) racked themselves, or C.) forgot their cup during the big game.
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#8 – 1 Samuel 18:25-27
Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.
So, apparently long before Saturday Night Live, King David had done the “Dick in a box” trick.
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#9 -Numbers 11:18
“And tell the people to purify themselves, for tomorrow they will have meat to eat. Tell them, ‘The LORD has heard your whining and complaints: ‘If only we had meat to eat! Surely we were better off in Egypt!’ Now the LORD will give you meat, and you will have to eat it. And it won’t be for just a day or two, or for five or ten or even twenty. You will eat it for a whole month until you gag and are sick of it. For you have rejected the LORD, who is here among you, and you have complained to him, ‘Why did we ever leave Egypt?’“
Sure, at first you think. No biggie. I love steak. We love steak too. What about a baked potato? That sound nice too? TOO BAD, JUST MEAT FOR YOU!
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#10 – Ezekial 23:19-20
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.
Oh my.
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Have any bizarre Bible verses you’d like to share? We know the Bible is full of them. Post your ideas in the Comments Section and we’ll add them to the list!
I wonder why people are so visceral in their attempt to put down others who hold an opinion that differs from their own. So you have faith…good for you. So you don’t have faith…good for you. Is it necessary to belittle those who differ from you? Perhaps you do it because you are not convinced you’re right until everyone else agrees with you? Take the faith issue out of it, and just let people believe what they believe. There are far more civil ways to share the planet.
Randy: the thing you need to understand is that most Christians aren’t as ‘live and let live’ as you seem to be. The Jerry Falwells are bad enough, the Westboro church types are worse… but there’s also a strong push by fundamentalists in government who are determined to “bring Jesus” into our lives and force your brand of morality on us.
The church itself isn’t about faith. It’s about brainwashing and hypocrisy. To outsiders, there’s a lot of reason to laugh at 65 people.
My Favorite bible Verse is 2 Kings 2:23-24
And he went up from thence unto Beth-el: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up thou bald head.
And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
Randy, I for one am becoming more vocal about religions absurdities because “they” insist on taking my tax dollars and voting according to the bible. So they can lust my donkey, if you get my drift. .
there really is nothing…weird… of any of these verses. it s all a parable to an alternate meaning. I don’t think its too funny at all, but I can explain each one.
(@melody) I don’t think you understand where the humor comes in. It’s not based on whacky stories to illustrate a moral concept… it’s about the humor in how much of a tap dance there is when people ignore scripture which is inconvenient. Many Christians who eagerly quote the bible, are clearly of the opinion that anybody who rejects their views… will go to hell… despite being morally upstanding… The word here is “sanctimonious”… Laughing at them is the best way to declaw the evil such people bring onto this world.
@Melody. Why is it everyone casts off the stupid things in the bible as parables? Also, Deuteronomy 21 is not a parable, at least not according to God, since the book is his unalterable word, and he did not call it, nor even hint that it is a parable.
You should look up and study the term cognitive dissonance, I think you might be experiencing it…
If you heard a voice in your head, you thought was god and it told you to kill your child to prove your love to god, would you even think about doing it? If so, kill yourself.
In the time of the Old Testament imagine you’re a slave owner and you’re having a bad day. You decide to take it out on one of your female slaves. You pull her out of the line and you beat her to a pulp. She lies on the ground and lingers in agony for 24 hours… and then dies. What would you say would be our perfect and loving God’s declared punishment for committing this atrocity? Come on, don’t look it up yet… okay, I’ll tell you. NOTHING! No punishment at all. And God’s reasoning? “Because the slave is his property”. Exodus 21 vs 20-21. Check it out. In black and white!
1) It’s 100% hilarious to watch the shitstorm unfold in the comments.
2) I personally believe that religion is dumb and causes problems.
3) My personal favorite bible verse is Leviticus 15:19, “‘When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening.” Because it’s fucking stupid and makes almost zero sense.
Now, I have to dissect Leviticus 15:19 really quickly.
“When a woman has her regular flow of blood [her menstrual period], the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days,”
I’m confused by this because, according to the Bible (which this verse came from), God created man, and (hopefully) woman, meaning that he should know that they’ll have a menstrual period and he should know that it won’t always last exactly seven days, but His book seems to make a big deal about pointing out that it will last for SEVEN days, specifically.
“and anyone who touches her [during her menstrual period] will be unclean till evening.”
Which is essentially saying that God created women to be disgusting, unholy, tainted creatures of sin. So that’s total bullshit.
There’s also a really long verse that goes into much greater detail about how any woman on her period isn’t allowed to sit on anything or lie on anything, or it becomes unclean, and anyone who touches any item that she’s sat or laid on must clean themselves with water and will remain unclean until evening.
Another part of Leviticus says that if a man has sex with a woman on her period, then she has ‘uncovered her fountain of blood’ and both of them are to be cut off from their people.
So that’s pretty fucked up.
And I’m going to back to point 2.
If you keep up with any sort of news at all, you probably know about and understand ISIS, a terrorist group from the middle-east who targets Christians.
So, there’s one example of how religion fucks shit up.
It also causes families to turn on each other and verbally, psychologically, and physically abuse each other. I myself am a victim of verbal and psychological abuse due to religion in my family, and I’m having to see a counselor regularly for it. If you don’t believe me or trust me or whatever, follow this link: https://youtu.be/1df_i26wh-w
Also, it’s 3:00 am and I apologize for the language.
That’s all, have a great day/week/month/year/life!
I think every one of you should read Quran and compare it with the Bible you will find a new logical approach that respects both the reader and God at the same time. The bible disrespects God almighty in many ways such as saying the God “regrets” among many other thing and it disrespects the readers minds when it says that Jesus is our God yet he is the son of God at the same time and he has a god to pray to and asks for his help. I can’t imagine a god who says all these inappropriate things (mentioned above) and much more and didn’t mention or explain the trinity nor it says that Jesus is your only god, not for even a single time.
May God almighty guide us all to him
I see the humor in it because The Bible also has the word bastards in there as in ye bastards — The Bible is not immune to swearing or being kicked in the nuts. And you ask The King James Only Movement why one likes to write horror then use the drink their own piss as a rebuttal.
“Was it only to your master and you that my master sent me to say these things, and not to the people sitting on the wall—who, like you, will have to eat their own excrement and drink their own urine?”
Kings 18:27
Yes I completely agree that the bible is bullshit. I’ll be spending my Sundays circling crap I find in my dollar tree bible that my parents forced on me to show them why I have decided to become atheist. Btw @Andy I especially agree with all you said and screenshotted it for good use in the future haha.
You never let people believe a lie…. So if the police believed a man committed a crime is it okay to let them lock him up without the truth? No it isnt the Bible is a lie and people need to know. All religions are fictitious and need to stop tryinf to pass off as being real. It is destroying cultures.
Yes some verses in the Bible are really weird and funny, when you look at it without reading the verses around or look at the historical background from that specific time. The Bible is NOT directly written to us people from the year of 2016. For example the book of Genesis is written to the people who were freed from slavery after being in Egyptian slavery for 400 years. So these people had to know who their God is who freed them and why the world is broken. And that is because of the sins of the people. God created a perfect world and more than that He created us in His image. Plus He gave us the free will to chose to listen to His voice or simply disobey. So the people fell short and sinned. And so the relationship between Men and God was broken. People fell more and more into sin and were cursed because of their own fault. So God chose Abraham to make a nation out of Him in order to redeem the whole world. Because Jesus was born out of Abraham’s line, who is as the most of us know the Son of God born to a vrigin by the Holy Spirit. This sound weird for us right. BUT He is God so He is able, just as He was able to create a world out of the abundance of His love. And He didn’t give up on us and gave everything in order to save those who have faith in Jesus Christ. So back to the weird laws. This is because the nations around Israel were doing idol worship in sacrifing their babies and using menstrual blood before their gods. This is one example. And because of that God wanted to seperate His nation to call them to a holy lifestyle. I am not talking about religious acts. But the hearts, which seeks the holiness of the Lord. Simply love God with all your heart and love your neighbour as yourself. God is love. Specially in the old testament we see accounts of stories but it doesn’t say that God was ok with everything the people did. We have to look into the Bible closely, ask questions about the Original Hearers and Historical background. And most of all try to see the heart of God. I would suggest if you really wonder why some verses are weird, then read a whole book like Genesis. Look at the Big Picture. Try to put on the shoes of the Original Hearer. God humbled himself into a human form in order to redeem us from the darkness. We are all broken and not perfect. For the things we do and think in our head, we receive punishment. But Jesus in His Grace paid the price for us. I love you people and most of all God loves you unconditionally no matter what you think. And He wants to safe you and lead you into life in abundance. His arms are wide open. It is your choice to fall in his loving arms.
#4 is a symbolic reference to Israel having her ‘nakedness uncovered’…. no longer able to hide the sin of her rejection of God. At the moment Jesus is taken on the order of the temple leaders, they are exposed for what they are.
Every verse listed here is symbolic or a parable. But try using the Septuagint Ot verses the Hebrew OT, the later was cut up and added to so badly back in the 10th century, that seemingly enigmatic verses emerge- just confusing in their context.
Therefore in your midst parents will eat their children, and children will eat their parents. I will inflict punishment on you and will scatter all your survivors to the winds. Ezekiel 5:10
You who are slaves must submit to your masters with all respect.[a] Do what they tell you—not only if they are kind and reasonable, but even if they are cruel. 1 Peter 2:18
…their little ones dashed to death against the ground,
their pregnant women ripped open by swords. Hosea 13:16
If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26
So Joshua subdued the whole region, including the hill country, the Negev, the western foothills and the mountain slopes, together with all their kings. He left no survivors. He totally destroyed all who breathed, just as the Lord, the God of Israel, had commanded. Joshua 10:40 **Yet, one of the 10 comandments (Exodus 20:13) says: “Do not kill”
Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn “‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.”
– The Jesus character on Mathew 10:34-36
“So kill all the boys and all the women who have had intercourse with a man. Only the young girls who are virgins may live; you may keep them for yourselves.” Numbers 31:17-18
These are only a few, but there are some that suggest some kind of alien encounter, Like this one:
I looked, and I saw a windstormcoming out of the north—an immense cloud with flashing lightning and surrounded by brilliant light. The center of the fire looked like glowing metal… When the living creatures moved, the wheels beside them moved; and when the living creatures rose from the ground, the wheels also rose.
Ezekiel 1:4 and 1:19
There were giants on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of humans and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown. Genesis 6:4 (Nephilim means “those who from heaven came)
As a final suggestion, don’t worry about religious people lashing out at you. They do it out of fear or luck of understanding because they live in a prison they cannot see nor touch, a mental prison. We must continue to expose the truth so that our future generations do not become victims of religion.
Be well,
Aiden
I don’t think it makes sense how Christians today preach the bible but don’t follow it.
So nice to see so many people that share my same view on the Bible.
Aside from each of these ludicrous biblical passages, why should the philosophy in which we are commanded to live our lives be so convoluted and contradictory. As Hitchens says, we would be better off following the teachings of great philosophers.
You cannot mention one uplifting verse without considering one of these bs verses.
Religion may be good for some people, but certainly not me!
We are returning back to the dark ages, laws based on reason are being replaced by those based on revelation. Whimpering voices from religious groups demand we give them equal footing and respect for their “sky fairy” and demand we show respect for their beliefs. Impose blasphemy laws to protect their stupidity, demand schools to promote their non-science, require we honour antiquated, inhuman animal slaughter and insist that children’s genitals must be hacked to bits. I am ashamed every time a country/state/county gives them these “rights” at the time I’m writing this, I await the results from the USA elections. “The evil. Of two lessers” which one will “thank” god, which one will retard the nation…. @factorialpython
On the face of it, these English translation, taken out of context, some with mistranslations, do indeed, seem very strange.
The first recorded streaker is actually in the OLD Testament — Isaiah 20:3 — in this verse, God praises the Prophet Isaiah for spending three years walking around naked.
The Bible actually encourages sodomy, as proved in 1 Samuel 9:3, “And Kish said to Saul his son, Take now one of the servants with thee, and arise, go seek the asses.” (At least according to the hermeneutical standards of followed in this “Random Rambling”.)
The Bible also approves of bondage and S&M according to another scholarly reading of Proverbs 26:3 “A whip for the stallion, a bridle for the ass, and a rod for the fool’s back.”
The Quran respecting anything is ridiculous. It is a book that promotes violence, misogyny, lying and perversion. Mohammad never learned to read or write and he wrote this book. He married several woman and his first wife was 6 years old. So your prophet is a illiterate, polygamous, pedophile. Congratulations.
If you really want to learn something interesting look up “Al-Taqiyya”. Then you will get an idea of what this religion is about.
I Believe religious people only take the parts of the bible to prove a point then ignore all the crazy junk in the rest of the bible
P.S Never even held a bible so don’t have much ground on this
P.P.S.S Great Article VERY funny
My Fav weird quote is —> Matthew 10:34 “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.”
I am a schizophrenic and this bible verse caused me a lot of problems. Fortunately, I got on medication before something really bad happened. Here it is: Matthew 19:12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
Read Psalm 137:9 in context to the previous verse. No single verse is an island. The Daughter of Babylon (enemy of Israel) is the subject and the “happy” is the dashing of God’s people through war. God’s people are called “children”.