Vacations are supposed to be awesome and fun. These… aren’t quite either of those things.
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Odd Ball Vacation #1
Helicopter Bear Hunt in Alaska-Cost: $1000 Per Day
Why It’s Probably Going To Suck
The power man feels when he holds a gun in his hand is rivaled only by God. Man reigns supreme over this land and it’s beasts, and he’s here to prove it. By hunting.
And there just isn’t a much bigger, meaner, badass animal to hunt then a bear. Bear hunts take place all across Canada and the United States and if you’re looking to step into your man shoes for a week, saddle up with the people at Planet Charters. They specialize in putting the hunter into close proximity with some of the world’s largest animals. Sounds awesome right? Right up until you find out that 27 people were killed by bears since 2000. And that’s just the people killed. Many others are attacked, traumatized, and had their pic-a-nic baskets stolen.
Someone’s about to fuck your shit up.
Though interactions with bears are uncommon, you’re kinda setting yourself up to get your ass handed to you if you go out looking for them. So that’s why groups have set up hunts that take place from helicopters. Sorta of like something the A-Team would do. You and your guides take to the sky in a chopper, fly around until you spot a bear, and you shoot it. Sounds simple enough right?
Well remember that bear fatality statistic we gave you a minute ago? That ain’t got shit on helicopter fatalities. From 1997 to 2006 Helicopter Association International recorded 302 deaths from civilian helicopter accidents. Once again proving that helicopters are the most dangerous animal known to man. So, the alternative (walking around shooting bears) sounds pretty good.
Just make sure you bring a change of pants.
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Odd Ball Vacation #2
Million Dollar Vacation in Abu Dhabi – Cost: $146,000 Per Day
Why It’s Probably Going To Suck
If you’re wealthy enough to be able to go on a vacation such as this, maybe you can stop being such an ass and share the wealth. If you’re not, and you’re reading this to be entertained, we’re sorry for the outburst.
The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi is literally the most luxurious hotel on the entire planet. Built to provide the absolute finest in everything the world has to offer, your 4000 square foot room is adorned with gold, marble, crystal, and we can only assume the finest whores available in some kind of vending machine contraption. You’ll spend your time being waited on hand and foot by a 24 hour butler, being Chauffeured in a $400,000 Maybach Supercar, and flown in a private jet to shop for whatever it is rich people feel the need to buy.
“It’s smashing! I’ll take 3 just like it.”
And if being pampered isn’t enough to satiate the hunger in your seriously spoiled stomach; how about daily spa treatments, royal golf outings, deep sea fishing, and pearl diving. Of course you won’t actually do any of those things yourself, that’s what you pay people for! Other activities include making your own designer perfume, eating the finest foods the world has to offer, and of course the free guns from Holland & Holland. Swimming in also a popular pastime at the only 7 Star Hotel on Earth. Swimming in money!
Clients include NATO, the Entire Middle Eastern International Film Festival, and many foreign dignitaries including President George W. Bush. You can read his thank you letter right here. It’s good to know America’s money is being well spent.
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Odd Ball Vacation #3
Golf In Compton– Cost: $5 Per Day
Why It’s Probably Going To Suck
Tupac said it best when he rapped, “Pimps be on a mission for them greens.” Little did anyone know he was referring to the greens on the Compton Golf Course in sunny Los Angeles County. The course is a 9 Hole Par 3, and quite affordable for just $5. A great buy for anyone in the area looking for a quick pick up game. And it’s easy to see why. Although there are few hazards on the course, “little water and few trees” the course has it’s share obstacles to overcome. The New York State Gold Association says of the course; “If you like high caliber excitement, this is your place. Home to the Crips vs. Bloods, Ryder Cup Style.”
“You want me to grab yo nine iron fool?”
Located in the middle of Los Angeles, Compton boasts a murder rate of 8 times that of the National Average. On the Compton City Golf Course Website, rules of conduct are listed, as is this; “All players and visitors to the course do so at their own risk.” Wow, if that doesn’t get you excited about playing a round with the guys, I don’t know what would.
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Odd Ball Vacation #4
Wild Cave Tour in Mammoth Cave – Cost: $48 Per Day
Why It’s Probably Going To Suck
A Wild Cave Tour at the Mammoth Cave National Park in Kentucky will only set you back around $50, so of all the things you could do to relax, this is quite affordable. And there’s a good reason for it. You’re going to be going underground where terrible things like bugs and snakes and bats live. And you won’t be walking in this cave, you’ll crawling around on your stomach all day. Not to mention it’s in pitch black darkness and you’re gonna have a goofy helmet strapped to your head.
The awesomeness of this is magnified by the fact that while you’re trying to keep mud out of your nose you also get to stare at another person’s ass all day. Sure, it wouldn’t be so bad if that person was Megan Fox slogging around with you, but odds are you’ll be meeting up with “Charlie to Cool” from the previous picture.
Mammoth Cave National Park is out to give you your money’s worth, so don’t count on the day to be over shortly. They’re gonna have you on lock down in there for over 6 hours buddy. Because, that’s how long it takes to completely grasp how bad spelunking sucks.
From the live action indie film, Super Mario in the Dungeon with Moving Ceilings.
Of course, it might be that it will take you a few hours to fully grasp just how bad a Wild Cave Tour is. You’ll figure it out right about the point that the Taco Bell lunch you enjoyed earlier rears it’s ugly head. This will run sorta parallel with when you’ll start to freak the hell out, because, the only restroom stop was 20 minutes ago.
The problem here is that unless you’re James Bond and own one of these…
You’re shit out of luck. Most National Parks adhere to a strict “Take Nothing Away, Leave Nothing Behind” policy. And while this is especially true concerning the issue of not removing a cute baby deer and leaving in it’s place your asshole of a little brother, it’s also true for your body waste. The National Park website for Jewel Cave in South Dakota says this: “Everything that is taken into the cave must be taken out, cavers carry containers for removal of human waste.” So, in the event that you do have to “go” and can’t find a bathroom at 300 feet below sea level be prepared to have the worst day of your life. If you’re lucky, you won’t have to take a dump in your shorts and walk out of the cave with your pants and head hanging equally low. Because your guide is probably packing one of these.
The Disposable Travel Toilet. Otherwise known as a plastic baggy. Brilliant! Now, not only do you have to shit, but, you get to do it into a bag, in front of a bunch of strangers.
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Odd Ball Vacation #5
Trekking in Vietnam-Cost: $80 Per Day
Why It’s Probably Going To Suck
Minus the cost of airfare, a trip to Vietnam is quite reasonable and fun. Of course, you get what you pay for in everything in life, and this should be an immediate cue that something isn’t kosher about the Vietnamese Trekking Adventures from The Exodus Company.
It’s got a hemi.
Vietnam was, you guessed it, where the Vietnam War took place not all that long ago. And what could be more interesting than walking around in a war-torn country trying to avoid landmines that have killed 40,000 people since the war ended? The country of Vietnam really doesn’t have a a lot going for it, but, that’s the entire appeal of trekking. To experience peace, quiet, and a different style of life. Plus the people there are very eager to welcome anyone to come visit and stay awhile.
Travelersdigest.com lists a vacation package which takes you through the more rural places where you shouldn’t “be surprised if you come home with an entirely new wardrobe…”
Oh, that sounds nice. I could use some new clothes.
“…as the Hill tribe villagers are fans of the barter system and will make you an offer you can’t (er, won’t want to) refuse.”
Wait, what?
This becomes an issue because the Vietnamese Hill tribe people didn’t come into contact with outsiders until the 1990’s, and everything they see is new and wonderful to them. This especially means the clothes, food, and accessories of a tourist. The point is that everything you packed into Vietnam isn’t necessarily coming back out with you. You go in as a well dressed, attractive, young Gremlindog.com reader.
And you come out…
It’s not all bad though, with the addition of your new wardrobe, you also get to spend the night in the homes of the people that just bartered robbed you blind.
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Odd Ball Vacation #6
White Water Rafting in Zimbabwe-Cost: $110 Per Day
Why It’s Probably Going To Suck
As one of the most exhilarating sports on the planet, white water rafting offers a thrill to anyone can handle it. And what better way to experience white water rafting then in a land over seas with the finest guides at Africa Adrenaline.
Pictured from left to right: John, Carl, Derrick, Kyle the Guide, Steve, Cindy, Ron, Jake. Not pictured: Everyone that fell in the river.
A land full of wonder and excitement. Also a land full of craploads of dangerous wild animals. Zimbabwe is right smack dab in the middle of Africa, and if you’ve ever seen the Lion King, you know that there’s all kinds of nasty bastards crawling around. Why’s that a problem? Among them is one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, the Hippopotamus. Hippos kill more people every year than any other African animal. This is all despite the fact that they look like a skinny version of Roseanne.
Oh that thing? That’s just a Tyrannosaurus Rex skull. No, not really… it’s a fucking Hippo skull, and those teeth, paired with the fact that he’s a territorial asshole is the reason that your happy rafting trip (see pic above) would suck balls (see pic below). Some areas are so dangerous that trips are completely canceled; “the August 1995 attempt on the river by the South African, Isabindi White Water Rafters, was terminated by two attacks after only five kilometers of paddling.” Hippopotamus generally pick out a certain length of river that is all for them, and upon being disturbed by rivals or you and your boat, go kinda crazy in the head. So prepare to find yourself in the mouth of a hippo.
And in the mouths of all of the crocodiles that also call the river home.
Special thanks to the Gremlindog.com Interns for helping us out with this photo shoot. We’re not going anywhere near a crocodile, they’re scary as hell.
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Odd Ball Vacation #7
Singapore – Cost: $198 Per Day
Why It’s Probably Going To Suck
Nothing can ruin a great night out on the town like a parking ticket or being arrested for public intoxication, public nudity, and evading arrest. Trust us, we know. And that’s the reason most people tend to steer clear of Singapore when planning their college spring break trips, or any trip for that matter. Because in Singapore… you can be fined or arrested for just about anything. An island country just south of China, Singapore has nearly 5 million people living within it’s borders, and every one of them is on a tighter leash than a cocaine addicted K-9 unit at the Columbian Airport.
NO! I found it, it’s mine! Mine!
They literally have a law for everything. You know those books that have like one weird law per state; for example in Alabama it’s “unlawful to wear a mustache in church and cause unseemly laughter.” Well, Singapore has everything those books have, and then some. Do you enjoy chewing gum? You won’t in Singapore friend. How about having long hair or not flushing a public toilet? Well Mr. Long Haired Nasty Non-Flusher, you can expect to be fined.
There’s a fine and a law for just about everything you can do for fun, especially one close to our hearts… the ban of pornography. I mean COME ON! And don’t think you can just pay a little fine and head on your merry way to another crime of smoking or eating (also illegal), because major crimes are punishable by caning and hanging. Fucksticks, these guys don’t screw around. On a more positive note though, In 2003 George W. Bush signed the US-Singapore Free Trade Agreement opening up all new avenues of trade and commerce between the two countries. However, we’re gonna bet this was only because there was some law that said he had to.
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Odd Ball Vacation #8
Sleep On An Alter – Cost: $275 Per Day
Why It’s Probably Going To Suck
If you thought it was weird going on vacation and sharing a hotel room with your friends because you didn’t have any “privacy”, just wait. Because you haven’t experienced anything until you snuggle up with your new roommate God, in the world’s only Holy Altar Bed and Breakfast. It’s very similar to falling asleep in church, but instead of being in a pew, you’re right up by the choir, with a blanket, drooling on the communion plates.
The Op Het Altaar is located right in the center Amsterdam in the Netherlands and is fully equipped with all modern amenities; full bathroom, kitchen area, bedroom, and of course an altar. The room is actually a completely renovated Altar from a worship area built in the late 1700’s when Catholics were being persecuted and forbidden to hold public services.
Actual Photo of the Altar Bedroom, no jokes here, sorry.
A Bed and Breakfast Website with all of the finest establishments in Europe praises the Op Het Altaar, saying it is the perfect place for a quiet stay in the bustling city of Amsterdam, especially if you’re looking for a little peace and quiet for your honeymoon. Sounds like an awesome idea except for you-know-who staring at you the whole time you while you do the deed.
Gives a whole new meaning to the song… “I Always Feel Like, Somebody’s Watching Me.”
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Odd Ball Vacation #9
South Africa– Cost: $340 Per Day
Why It’s Probably Going To Suck
The proud country of South Africa has a lot to be thankful for. Beautiful weather, prime location for tourism and commerce, great natural resources, and the awesome title of “Rape Capital of the World.” Damn. Your first thought is probably that the ad company paid to come up with a “creative, head-turning slogan” just pulled out the worst possible combination of words for a “creative, head-turning slogan” and has since been fired. But, you’d be wrong. South Africa is a dangerous place and the country knows it. Just check out the message displayed on SouthAfrica.net which says “It’s Possible” in the top left corner. Yeah, “It’s Possible” you’re gonna get raped! In 2005 there were 118.3 rapes per 100,000 people. That’s one rape for every 845 people. Or more rapes than could be fit into an entire season of “Law & Order: SVU.”
And it’s not just rapes that make South Africa a little less than appealing, they’ve also consistently been in the Top 5 Countries in the World in homicides. Um… congratulations? The murder rate, which is eight times that of the United States, is 52 of every 100,000 people. But hey, at least the hotel has a pool!
In #3, the quote was by Dr. Dre, not Tupac.