So, you’ve started a band. Well, it’s all fine and dandy if you’re able to sing and play your instruments. What’s important… what will make you a star… what will sell your albums… what will get you ladies… is the perfect band photo.
Your photo is what record labels will see to get a first impression. Your photo will be in magazines where you shout to the world your greatness. And most importantly, your photo is going to grace the cover of your debut cd. You can’t screw around, you’ve got to get it perfect.
So, we are here to help. To give you and your band mates the knowledge and the know how so you can achieve greatness… through photography.
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Step #1 – Make sure everyone in the band is in the shot.
Yep, even that one guy that doesn’t look like he belongs. Sure, he probably plays the fiddle or the fucking flute or something… but he’s in the band. And he’ll bitch if you don’t put him in the photo. Save yourself the trouble, and just put him in, but for goodness sake, put him in the back. Which, leads us to our next step.
Step #2 – Make sure that people are staggered.
Sure, you’re all an important part of the band. But, damn it if that one guy in the band doesn’t ever dress cool enough. Put him at the back. And while you’re at it, remind him afterwards that he’s in a band, not working at the library. He’ll work harder on looking better on the next photo.
Step #3 – Take the photo at a place that symbolizes you.
These guys have it right. They’ve taken their photo at the corner of Barry Baker Place & an overgrown field of brush. Nice job holding that guitar dude. Nice job indeed! (On a side note, make sure your little brother isn’t hiding in the freakin bushes.)
Step #4 – Take your photo on some stairs/steps.
Right on! When shooting a band photo, steps speak of the struggle you’ve worked through to climb to greatness. And tie-dyed shirts speak of how your mother still dresses you. Are ya’ll ready to rock!?!? Yes, we are.
Step #5 – Take the picture at an awkward angle.
By taking the shot from above, these guys prove that things are looking up. By taking the picture in a men’s restroom stall, they’ve shown that their career is still in the shitter.
Step #6 – Show your personalities.
Are one of you a thinker? Are one of you funny? Are one of you a crappy Jack Black look-a-like? Show the world! Sixty-Nine Fingers? Try sixty-nine with the ladies that might or might not be our sisters!
Step #7 – Look at everything but the camera.
By looking at everything but the camera you’re saying “Hey, we are timeless. We’ve been there, and we’ve been over there too. Of course it also says”Hey, we can’t focus when the cameraman tells us to.” Sunglasses help, it hides the wandering eyes.
Step #8 – Superimpose the band name over the photo.
You don’t want anyone mistaking you for “that other band” so make sure and put your band name over the top of your photo. It’ll guarantee that when people say… “Hey, have you heard of <insert band name>” that people will answer, “Yeah, aren’t they the douchebags in that stupid photo on the bathroom wall of the bar?” Word. They are.
Step #9 – Take the photo by an old building.
A photo in front of a factory or some old abandoned crack house shows that you are hard core. You rock. You are badass. And when people question you, you’ll be able to answer them… “Dude, we hang out by factories and old buildings. You have nothing on us.”
Step #10 – Have someone acting totally crazy.
If you have a guy in the band that’s a total wacko, that’ll draw a crowd right? Make sure he shows his unique personality. You want to sell tickets/albums right? Plus, he’ll kill you if you tell him to smile.
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In conclusion, your band photo is the most important thing you have to do when making a band. Don’t mess around. You only get one shot at greatness. And that shot better have you all by a metal building, staggered, looking at different things, and with the ugly guy at the back or you’re straight fucked.
More examples of band photo greatness.
haha, too funny!!
What phrase… super, magnificent idea