Making ends meet is never an easy task. Even for those with College Degrees, Special Training, and Dedication, finding a way to pay the bills is sometimes next to impossible. But, what if we were to tell you that there are people making a decent living, and they’re doing it without jobs? No, we’re not talking about whores. Whoring is an occupation, just ask your mother. We’re talking about…
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Sperm Donation-Potential Income $48,000 Per Year
Heck, it’s the one job you’ve been training for since middle school!
Sperm Donor Class of ’88
And the opportunities are only as limited as your own libido. For just a couple minutes of their time a typical donor can net around $100 for an Anonymous donation and up to $500 for an Open I.D. donation. Keep in mind that compensation is based strictly upon the region, individual bank, and of course whether or not you’re ugly. Open I.D. donors have accessible files that clients can look into online to see whether or not her future baby daddy was a cute baby, has dark hair, or claims the I.Q. of a small dog.
The process is fairly simple. A back round check of you and your immediate family will guarantee that you aren’t a freak show, and basic health screenings will prove that you can physically handle the gauntlet of porn they’re about to throw you into. That’s right, these folks want your semen, and they’re making it easy for you to fulfill their desires by putting you in a nice quiet room with a bunch of porn. See, you’re getting turned on already and we haven’t even shown you to the room.
Check in, do the deed, and deliver your sample to the nurse’s face. Nah, you’ll drop it off at the check out desk where you can make your appointment for the next week. That’s right, the Sperm Bank of New England tells us that it is required that donors make deposits every week, and are encouraged to come in every 3 days! Some donors are known to donate to more than one sperm bank every week and they are thus able to secure a reasonable monthly income, around $4000. With more than 500 sperm banks in the U.S. an extra randy fellow could travel and donate to several each day. At even $100 a load (get it, load!), and shortages of qualified donors, your willy could net you hundreds of thousands a year.
But, the donation gravy train doesn’t end with sperm. Women too can get in on the action by donating eggs. And we’re more than a little jealous at the money opportunities here. Supply and demand however plays a major role in ability for a woman to receive between $5,000 and $10,000 per Cycle.
It’s also encouraged that you refer a friend, family member, or co-worker to receive a nice $750 bonus. If you’re like us and have a lot of friends, well, you’re set to clean up.
My network… of sperm donors.
According to the Xytex Corporation, around 75,000 children are born every year in the United States thanks to the efforts of Sperm Donors.
“You’re welcome.”
And it seems that new issues pop up every day where Donor Dads are getting into trouble. Just last December a case went to court where a Sperm Donor was forced into paying for child support. So, if you went for the bigger check and chose Open I.D. Donation, get ready to have your life ruined in 18 years when you have to send your 900 kids to college.
Street Entertainers-Potential Income $25,000 A Year
We’ve all seen guy with a guitar hanging out by the subway station with his case opened before him. And you’ve probably dropped a quarter in feeling sorry for the poor homeless man. But, don’t let the sad song he’s playing fool you. He’s just doing his job as a busker. And that job can pay anywhere from $10 to $20 an hour depending on how good the he is and where he’s located. Most of that income is had on busy nights people are out seeking entertainment on the town.
World Famous Johnnie Mac has dedicated himself to the future of Street Entertaining and has written a book on the subject. “The Art of Successful Busking” covers everything from what to do, where to do it, to of course proper placement of your tip jar/hat/bucket. Johnnie tells us on his website that he’s been a street performer for over 15 years, and during that time he has succeeded in “traveling the world, meeting amazing people, making new friends, getting job offers in the entertainment industry, and living the life of my dreams.” And the best part in his mind was the fact that he was “making a fortune… in fact, more than triple what I was making in the job I left behind. In many cases I was making 5-6 times what my friends were were making and doing it in a much shorter time.”
Of course not everyone is going to make it big right away, but, for many, busking is a means to an end. A step toward stardom. The Blue Man Group, Jimmy Buffet, Pierce Brosnan, George Burns, Bob Hope, Jewel, Jimmy Page, Penn and Teller, Rod Stewart, Simon and Garfunkel, Bob Dylan, and Robin Williams all started their entertainment careers on the streets.
This is none of the people listed above but he’s probably loaded.
Even Moby, who is labeled as a mainstream artist, takes to the street from time to time to pay homage to busking roots. He recently performed a show in the Sloane Square Subway Station in London. Local travelers, tourists, and homeless alike were all equally annoyed.
Street entertainers have been around for a long time and there’s plenty of ways of making a living no matter what your talent is: playing instruments, miming, performing comedy routines, fortune telling, and the ever popular living statue. There it is, the perfect job for your deadbeat roommate!
“Hey this chick’s great! But the guy could use a little work.”
It’s perfectly legal in most places as long as you don’t interfere with traffic and business. But, where you don’t have to fight the community, conflicts and fights over pitch do happen. Career buskers may try to maintain a “right of pitch” over others. Generally it is considered first come, first served. But, And there’s even a sort of “Busker Code” that street entertainers follow which basically states “This is my street corner, and if you try and set up shop here, I’ll stab you.”
Human Guinea Pig-Potential Income $50,000 A Year
Science and health care go hand in hand. And for as long as mankind has been practicing medicine, we’ve been essentially experimenting. Kind of, crossing our fingers hoping we don’t fuck this up. But, the key to science is trial and error. For every experiment there has to be a variable and a constant. You friends, can now get paid to be that variable!
Best part is, anyone can do it. According to Covance, a large testing firm, “Volunteer compensation is based upon time and participation, thus the greater the time commitment, the higher the stipend. You will receive payment in the form of a check which can be directly deposited into your checking or savings account.”
Those checks can really add up too. One current study that consisted of two stays of 2 days/1 night showed that participants will receive all study-related exams at no cost and will receive $1,500 for time and participation. Not bad for a couple days work. Covance has Test Centers in Indiana, California, Wisconsin, Texas, and several other states.
If taking pills isn’t your thing, many medical schools like Georgetown and the University of Kentucky have programs that allow civilians to become a “standardized patient”—a trained person who is paid $15 an hour to be poked and prodded by inexperienced fingers. By using this method, students have the opportunity to make life hell for people that aren’t sick and get the training they need at the same time.
The history of the human guinea pigs first finds root in recorded history around 300 B.C. A couple of fellas named Herophilos and Erasistratus are credited with the establishment of the first great medical school in Alexandria. Both men were instrumental in the discovery of the workings of the human body including the circulatory system, the eyes, and the nervous system. With the addition of being great scientists, many believe them to also be great murderers. Their patients were prisoners that were vivisected against their will.
“Hey, Herophilos look. This dude is also really gross on the inside.”
Of course, things have gotten better today right?
“Last week, six very healthy men suddenly wound up in a London hospital in critical condition.”
Well, other than that.
“Earlier this month, 11 otherwise well people tested positive for tuberculosis, according to Montreal’s health department.”
And that.
Truth is, studies today are much safer than they’ve ever been, and are essential because the use of animal testing is limited by the fact that the test subjects are animals. And it doesn’t matter how many cute outfits we put them in, that fact remains.
Sure, he may be an executive, but he’s still a monkey.
Begging- Potential Income $100,000 A Year
Sure, begging isn’t anybody’s cup of tea, and it’s certainly nothing you’d want to brag about at your class reunion. But, when the possibility arises to make money for nothing, you know you want a piece. How does $300 a day sound? That’s exactly how much a police survey found panhandlers outside Wal-Mart in Coos Bay, Oregon can make. Inside, it takes a clerk a week to make that much. The Police Chief in Coos Bay says that most of these people have lived in the city for some time, and even have homes. “This is just their chosen profession.” We’re pretty sure that if this whole internet thing falls through, we know what to fall back on.
We almost feel bad for even bringing up begging as an employment opportunity. That was right up until we saw this news story.
The news piece goes behind the scenes, and by scenes we mean around the corner with a camera, to spy on a girl who panhandles for a living. Her gimmick is that she was living with her boyfriend and he kicked her out. Now she just needs to raise a little money to buy a bus ticket to get back home. Sad story huh? Would you like to send her some money to help her out? Shouldn’t be a problem since she lives in a fucking house. When the reporter asks her about her living situation, she says “Man, you just don’t know what it’s like.” At least she’s honest. We don’t know what it’s like to scam someone.
The camera crew interviews passerby’s who have given her money, and they figure up that her potential income could be around $27,000. Yeah, we know it’s crazy, we did the research! Just to give you a comparison, according to Careers-in-finance.com, the starting salary for a Credit Analyst with a Bachelor’s Degree: $27,000.
But the panhandling job market isn’t limited to America. The options are wide open if you want to travel as well. Russian journalists discovered a whole village of panhandlers, in the Republic of Mordovia. Local specialists say that Naiman panhandlers can make up to 40,000 rubles a month (about $2,500).
In case you’re thinking of picking up a new career, please check out this handy “How to Guide for Panhandling.” The guide covers everything from swallowing pride and location to the importance of cleanliness and sending Christmas gifts out to your regular suckers, err…benefactors.
Dumpster Diving-Potential Income $100,000+ A Year
The “art” of Dumster Diving is the only job from this list that hosts a site dedicated to it’s craft, that is for Members Only, Dumsterworld.com. Dumpster divers are a proud bunch, and that’s because they don’t want you in on it. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure; and in this case, their bankroll.
The true prize of dumpster diving is scrap material. Many metals are selling at all time highs on the market. Copper, Steel, Iron, Aluminum, and Tin all fetch fair prices at recycling stations and scrap yards. According to the City of Cincinatti Ohio’s Recycling website, Americans discard 2 million tons of aluminum cans a year. That’s 4 billion pounds, half of which you probably tossed in beer cans just last week. A pound of aluminum is currently worth 97 cents. That’s approximately $3,880,000,000 in potential income. How’s that for an answer to the National Debt? Sure, the average Dumpster Diver will never be able to gather all of those cans. Unless they’re some giant trash gathering monster, and if that’s the case, they might want to look into world domination as a profession.
The keen eye of a Dumpster Diver can locate discarded items that add up to big dollar signs that others see no use for and turn a profit on those items. It’s all a matter of need really. It’s things like old computers, entertainment equipment, furniture, and most importantly scrap metals that will bring in the most profit for a diver of dumpsters.
Jackpot Bitches!
The truth is, everything has value if you have a buyer. Petroleum wasn’t worth a dime until the modern machinery found it’s way into the world. Many divers find items that have been discarded and are still usable. Sure, you may not need that vibrator anymore, but a dumpster diver probably has someone on their Christmas list that does!
Other Dumpster Divers turn trash into art. The folks at Scrapyard Sculptures turn scrap metal into art. The artists sell action figures, lawn art, and more on their website. The items are built from mostly discarded scrap metal and the average item sells for around $20. Some high ticket items sell for a couple hundred.
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Whether it be jerking off, singing a song, running on a human sized hamster wheel, bothering your neighbors for cash, or sifting through the trash for tin can, there are lots of creative ways to make ends meet. Sure, none of them are something you’d want to mention you do to that person you’re dating… but if it means the difference between driving a Hugo or a Hummer, the argument’s already been decided. We for one are gonna head to our “office” and make a “deposit” at the “bank”.
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