The Bible is crazy weird sometimes. No doubt about it. These verses… they make me wanna curl up in a ball and cry they’re so bizarre.
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#1 – Psalm 137:9
“Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”
Whoa! Seriously, happy about throwing your kids around? Maybe a little too harsh a punishment for not eating your vegetables.
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#2 – 2 Kings 18:27
“But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?”
This guy was hardcore like Bear Grylls, suggesting that dining on poop and pee would be an enjoyable pastime.
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#3 – Deuteronomy 21:18-21
“If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.”
A very hardcore look at parenting. Obviously they didn’t believe in “time outs” in Bible times.
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#4 – Mark 14:51-52
“A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.”
History’s first recorded streaker perhaps?
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#5 – Ezekiel 16:17
“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.”
Obviously this was one of the less attractive relationships available, but, “better than being alone” some might argue.
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#6 – Judges 3:19-24
“But he himself turned back at the idols near Gilgal and said, ‘I have a secret message for you, O king.’ And he commanded, ‘Silence.’ And all his attendants went out from his presence. And Ehud came to him as he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. And Ehud said, ‘I have a message from God for you.’ And he arose from his seat. And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. Then Ehud went out into the porch and closed the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locked them. When he had gone, the servants came, and when they saw that the doors of the roof chamber were locked, they thought, ‘Surely he is relieving himself in the closet of the cool chamber.’“
Seriously, what? So, there’s a fat guy, and he gets stabbed, and he’s got poo coming out of his back, and the guards just assume that… you know what, nevermind.
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#7 – Deuteronomy 23:1
No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.
Scary for anyone that has ever A.) been kicked in the balls, B.) racked themselves, or C.) forgot their cup during the big game.
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#8 – 1 Samuel 18:25-27
Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.
So, apparently long before Saturday Night Live, King David had done the “Dick in a box” trick.
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#9 -Numbers 11:18
“And tell the people to purify themselves, for tomorrow they will have meat to eat. Tell them, ‘The LORD has heard your whining and complaints: ‘If only we had meat to eat! Surely we were better off in Egypt!’ Now the LORD will give you meat, and you will have to eat it. And it won’t be for just a day or two, or for five or ten or even twenty. You will eat it for a whole month until you gag and are sick of it. For you have rejected the LORD, who is here among you, and you have complained to him, ‘Why did we ever leave Egypt?’“
Sure, at first you think. No biggie. I love steak. We love steak too. What about a baked potato? That sound nice too? TOO BAD, JUST MEAT FOR YOU!
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#10 – Ezekial 23:19-20
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.
Oh my.
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Have any bizarre Bible verses you’d like to share? We know the Bible is full of them. Post your ideas in the Comments Section and we’ll add them to the list!