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15 Pop Culture Halloween Costumes That’ll Make You Look Stupid

You know guys have it pretty damn rough when it comes to Halloween. We have about 3 options for costumes.

#1 Something Scary

#2 Something Funny

#3 Something Cool from Pop Culture

The first option is pretty self explanatory; ghosts, zombies, monsters. The second option is also easy to get, take a joke and run with it; black eyed pea, pimp, or fat stripper. But the third option is where we run into some snags.

As a kid, Halloween was our opportunity to be something we couldn’t be in real life, if only for one night. And you know what, we ran with it. If we wanted to be He-Man, we were He-Man. But, as adults, the expectations change. It didn’t matter as kids, because no one had a good memory, and we were all focused on the candy anyway. But, as adults, our cred is on the line, and if you wear the wrong Halloween costume, you’re done for. Forget dating, forget that cool new job, forget friends!

Below, The 15 Most Pathetic Excuses For Pop Culture Halloween Costumes. Long story short, don’t try any of these!

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1.) Optimus Prime – Huge movie and even bigger cartoon series. Optimus Prime and the other Transformers were more than meets the eye, not you though, you’re obviously gonna be a dipshit in this.

2.) Batman – It’s going to be one of the hottest outfits this Halloween, like it has been for 20 years or so…and it will still suck. You might make the excuse that you’re classic Batman; no one will buy it.

3.) The Joker – Our prediction is that 2 out of every 5 people this Halloween will attempt to be The Joker…key word, attempt. Unless you’re paying someone to do your make up, you’re just a clown.

4.) Capt. Jack Sparrow – This isn’t just a pirate outfit, it’s the official Jack Sparrow pirate outfit. Unless you are Johnny Depp, just stick with plain ol’ pirate.

5.) Hulk – Now we finally know the reason the Hulk is so pissed off, he has the worst Halloween costume on the planet. And flesh colored hands and feet.

6.) Spider-man – We love the movies, we love the comics, but you couldn’t pay us enough to wear this outfit out of the house. Looks more like pajamas.

7.) Darth Vader – The outfit as a whole really isn’t that bad, but there’s two big problems. First Darth had gloves, and second he didn’t ever wear casual slacks and wingtips.

8.) King Leonidas – If you don’t have the muscles, please don’t try and be a Spartan for Halloween, fake ones don’t count. It doesn’t matter how “real” it looks.

9.) Aragorn – Oh, that’s a really awesome Frodo Baggins Hobbit outfit! Wait… oh you’re Aragorn, didn’t he have a bigger sword?

10.) Shrek – That confused look on Shrek’s face? He just can’t believe someone could look like such an incredible huge jackass.

11.) Stewie Griffin – One of the funniest characters on television, Stewie brings laughter into the homes of millions. You’ll also cause laughter, but it’ll be because people will make fun of you.

12.) Eric Cartman – The biggest little potty mouth in South Park has his own Halloween costume. If you wear it, you’ll literally be the sand in the vagina of any party you go to.

13.) Lucky the Leprachaun – This costume comes complete with the Charms you’ll find in Lucky’s cereal. You’ll need each and everyone if you hope to be lucky enough not to get eggs thrown at you.

14.) Fred Flintstone – He’s been in cartoons and movies, he has his own cereal and vitamins, Fred Flintstone has it all, including a ridiculous Halloween outfit modeled after him.

15.) Master Chief – One can only guess at the amount of carnage Master Chief would inflict on the world were he to see this costume. You’ll probably have to settle for the wedgie your buddies will give you.

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Well, you’ve been warned. If you value your life as you know it, avoid these and the other ridiculous costumes on sale this Halloween, and go for something more traditional.

Also, be sure to share your crazy Halloween costume/party/experience stories in the comment section!

Baby Wipes…Not just for Babies Anymore

Women as we know them are an odd bunch indeed. It goes without saying that they are an enigma to any man who they come into contact with. But, oh how we love them. We attribute this love to 90% sex, 5% dinner, and 5% affirmation, but I think it’s more than that. Sure, those things all add up to a pretty good day, and they’re all essential to the well being of any man. Yet, there’s still more a woman brings to the relationship, and that is her quirks.

I can remember the first time I walked into the bathroom to find an odd container perched atop the commode.

“Honey!” I shouted, “Your sister left her baby wipes here!”

“No sweetie,” she assured me, “those are for you.”

For me? I remember almost passing out thinking she was pregnant.

“LOL!” she lol’d at me, “they’re great, and not just for babies anymore.”

And that’s what we’re here to share today. The nontraditional uses for baby wipes taught to me by my wife.

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First and foremost should be it’s obvious use, bathroom cleanup. Babies of course have issues cleaning up their rear ends, so someone thought up the concept of easy to carry, always ready wet wipes. These wipes use water and a light cleaner or alcohol to clean faces, hands, and now bottoms. Nurses use similar moist towelettes to spot clean, as do people who enjoy ribs.

“If you think my face looks like a mess, wait until you see the other end.”

Of course these issues with cleanliness didn’t seem to be a problem for grown ups. We’ve gone hundreds of years without the use of baby wipes, why should we need them now. Heck, it wasn’t all that long ago that people didn’t clean themselves at all. So, why all the fuss about wet wipes for adults? Because we don’t wanna look like a bear with dingleberries.

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The next, and more creative use would have to be pet clean up. Puppies have a tendency to get into all kinds of messes. Digging holes, rolling in stinky stuff, or getting into the garbage are all popular past times for a dog. You might say they’re assholes.

A dog, probably rolling in cat shit, being an asshole.

And if you own a dog, you know what an enormous undertaking it is to bath them. Unless they’re tiny sized and you can put them in the dishwasher, you’re forced to fill up the tub, grab fifty towels, and hope for the best. Of course, 9 times out of 10, the dog will exit the tub long before you’ve completed the cleaning process and will have his way with your home by spreading his wet dirtiness onto everything.

So, that’s where the handy baby wipe comes into play. Dog has dirty paws? Grab a wipe and clean him up. Dog has a dirty mouth? We told you to close the door to the closet with the litter box in it.

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Next up, is after sex clean up. Hey, you’re not always ready to take a shower right? And the truth is you may not even be in a location where showering is an option.

Mile high club… no showers… 2 hour flight… gross

So, what’s the perfect little answer to this problem? Wet wipes. Whether you’re on a plane, a train, the car, or you’re just a lazy bastard that doesn’t want to get out of bed to walk 10 feet to the bathroom, wet wipes have the problem well in hand. They’re great for women and men. Finally, something we can agree on. You know what? This just might be the thing that brings peace to the world!

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The final, and perhaps most important use for the baby wipe is the whore bath. In case you have no idea what it is we’re talking about, let’s check in with our friends at Urbandictionary.com to help clear things up. They define the whore bath as follows. “To wash up the stinkiest parts with a small washcloth and hot water in the sink – MAYBE a dash of soap, MAYBE.” Sounds gross right? Well, that’s not even the worst of the definitions. And no, we’re not gonna list the nastier definition, because we are above using tacky, tasteless humor.

Why take a whore bath? You’re no whore by any means, so what use would it serve you? Because sometimes, your hands are tied. Camping of course comes to mind where you may be without the luxury of a tub, soap, or running water. That’s when you reach into your bag, pull out a wet wipe and clean the dirtiest parts of your body. These places being the pits, crotch, and crack. The P.C.C. if you will.

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Well, there you have it. Some uses for baby wipes you might not have thought about before. Sure, most of them are kinda gross. But, that’s life; full of poo, snot, and sweat. Life is disgusting.

Unusual Ways People Make Money: Beekeeping

Gremlindog.com is always interested in expanding our horizons. You just never know when the next big thing is going to hit, and that will be the answer to all our problems. It might be playing the stock market, a new investment, or new invention… but we’re bound and determined that there’s a new and exciting opportunity just waiting around the corner.

So, we’re featuring a new segment on Gremlindog called “Unusual Ways People Make Money.” The segment will feature oddball jobs that you may or may not have known exsisted with a little history and insight. Who knows, we might help you find your next big career.

Today’s feature is: Bee Keeping

Ahh, honey. It goes good on biscuits, bears love it, and it’s made by bees. But, as of today, we are unable to train bees to drive tiny sized 18 wheelers to deliver the honey to little bee factories where it’s packaged in those fun bear shaped plastic containers. So, humans are forced to raise them. And harvest their honey. Which leads to being around a lot of bees. Which is crazy as hell.

Legally Insane

The Beekeeper profession has been around for awhile, with major operations beginning as early as the 1800’s when Petro Prokopovych set up shop. Prokopovych, a Ukrainian with a military backround, began studying bees as a hobby during retirement. He’s credited with developing a special frame that the bees would build honeycombs on, which could be removed from their hive box to acquire the honey itself. This method was applauded by the beekeeping community which up until that point had relied on the tried and true “stick your hand in and see what comes out” method originally invented by Winnie the Pooh.

Petro Prokopovych had at the peak of his career some 6600 colonies of bees on his property. Today farms have numbers totalling in the tens of thousands. The Adee Farm in South Dakota alone has over 40,000 colonies of bees. Enough bees to kill approximately 400 Macaulay Culkins if we’ve done our math correctly. Other than the obvious prize of honey, beekeepers acquire pollen and beeswax, and also act as a service to produce farmers by providing pollination for fruits and vegetables.

So what’s the perk here? Why would someone want to take on the responsibility of raising a couple million bees? Because the average beekeeper makes around $40,000 a year. Couple that with all the honey you can eat, and beekeepers have it pretty good.

Terrible Lessons Taught By Cereal Mascots

Positive Influences are few and far between. It’s a fact of life that for every “Practice Safe Sex” advertisement you see on TV there’s 50 drunk girls at a party throwing themselves at you (actual number of girls throwing themselves at you can and may vary). Couple the odds with your own inebriation, and well… common sense goes out the window. We as a people are an easily influenced bunch. Tell us that something is cool, and we’ll buy it. Tell us we should eat something, and we’ll order four. Tell us that Amy Winehouse is a class act, and we’ll call you a liar and sock you in the face, but in the long run probably still buy her CD.

The moral of the story is, we need all of the Positive Influences we can get in life, so we don’t go horribly astray and end up fighting our Jedi Master in a lightsaber duel with lots of hot lava nearby. Sure, we’ll end up living, but our skin will be all gross and no one will invite us over for poker night anymore.

One such place that Positive Reinforcement needs to return is in our Breakfast Cereal Commercials. As kids hovering infront of the part wood, part glass behemoths our parents called a television our young minds were attached like pit bulls to whatever the ad agencies had to throw at us. And we ate that shit up. I can’t begin to think of all the things that I demanded my mother buy me for no other reason then the television told me I should have it. If I were to make a list, first and foremost on that would be cereals. Just take Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Cereal for example, it had “Ninja Nets and Marshmallows” which were supposedly a part of a well balanced breakfast. I had to have it.

Yum?

Cereal commercials had us wrapped around their fingers, and this was mostly due to the fact that the mascots themselves were so charismatic and colorful, that we couldn’t resist. So, other than hawking their highly sweetened wares to us, what other lessons are Cereal Mascots teaching?

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You Can Do Anything, If You’ve Had Breakfast

Tony the Tiger – Frosted Flakes

Tony the Tiger rampaged onto the scene way back in 1952 as the result of a contest where he bested a Kangaroo, Elephant, and a Gnu to be the new spokes”person” for Frosted Flakes Cereal. No, I didn’t make Gnu up, it’s an actual animal.

“Who Gnu Frosted Flakes could be so good!”

The signature voice and catchphrase “They’re Grrrreat!” was provided by Thurl Ravenscroft who also claims fame for the song “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch.” Feel free to thank me next time you win Trivial Pursuit with that little factoid. Ravenscroft was Tony the Tiger for over 5 decades, but I doubt even he noticed the distorted message that his character was sending to youth in America.

The message was two-fold, Frosted Flakes are Grrrreat and by eating them, you can overcome obstacles that would otherwise make you pee your pants. Tony had kids polevaulting, swimming laps, and in this commercial riding the shit out of a horse.

“You kids wanna go on a horsie ride?” asks the bully.

Tony doesn’t miss a beat and says “Sure, just let me eat some breakfast first jerkoff, it’s 7 in the morning.”

And with that, he and his eager to please pupil mount up like a secondhand Lone Ranger and Tonto team up to show those guys who’s boss. Not only do they ride dangerously, but their recklessness nearly causes the bully’s to be cast off a cliff. Well, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but they did have to reign in rather quickly.

But, is this the kindof message we need to be getting; that we can overcome adversity with the aid of only a sugar coated bowl of flaked cereal? If the boy had the talent in the first place, he shouldn’t have to eat before proving himself. All that’s going to do is upset his stomach from the rough ride. Or, if Tony the Tiger is indeed right, and breakfast is all it takes to succeed, give me a bowl, I’m heading to Las Vegas.

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Discrimination Is Acceptable

The Trix Rabbit – Trix Cereal

“Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.” In TVland’s Top 100 Quotes and Catchphrases, that hate laced sentence was number 59. It’s imbedded in our brains, and there’s nothing that a Martin Luther King Jr. inspired cartoon rabbit is going to do to change our mind.

A great inspiration to man and rabbits everywhere

The Trix rabbit has a dream, and that dream involves eating a bowl of delicious fruity cereal. Not too much to ask is it? Oh, but it is. You see, “Trix are for kids.” Just like the front of the bus was denied to Rosa Parks, this cereal is not for bunnies. Discrimation is an awful thing, but, the Trix Cereal commercials seem to encourage it.

The Trix Rabbit has been trying to obtain a bowl of cereal since 1969 when the Cereal Tycoons high atop their thrones made of gold, gave the masses the right to vote on whether or not to give the poor mascot any food. And vote they did; a resounding “No” was the answer provided. Over the years The Trix Rabbit has attempted costumes, sneaky methods, and even a genie to grab just a taste.

Even the aid of a fucking genie doesn’t net the Trix Rabbit some delicious cereal. Of course, he kinda asked for it when he blew his 3rd wish on wanting “the kids to see him.” Little known fact though is that the Trix Rabbit does indeed finally get to enjoy some cereal. But, he first has to WIN A TRIATHOLON! The prize, a bowl of Trix cereal. That was actually in 1980, he hasn’t had any in a commercial since.

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Bothering Crazy People Is A Good Idea

Sonny – Cocoa Puffs

A long time favorite of chocolate fans, Cocoa Puffs has been a morning staple since the 1960’s. Back then Sonny the Cuckoo bird teamed up with his unoriginally named grandfather, Gramps, to speak of the wonders and magic of Cocoa Puffs. Sonny flies solo now, and one can only imagine that Gramps had had just about enough of the crazy behavior of his batshit crazy grandson.

Gramps and Sonny circa 1962

Cocoa Puffs, themselves a reflavoring of the popular Kix cereal, are enough to drive Sonny right off the deep end no matter what it is he was doing. But still, people rubbed the cereal in his face. If Sonny was painting a house and a person walked by eating a heaping bowl of Cocoa Puffs you better believe that bird would drop the paint and brush, fall off the ladder, and knock over crippled kid to get at the bowl. Sounds crazy right, well it is. The popular phrase Sonny is wont to exclaim “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” is now commonly used as a slang term for insane. It was even mentioned during the murder trial of Susan Polk in 2006 when her youngest son was testifying. He stated his mom was “Bonkers” and “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

That’s right kids, what a well thought out idea. Antagonize the crazy person. Even though Sonny has obviously realized he has a problem and is trying to do something about it by secluding himself in the spacecraft. Although I’m not sure there is a space program designed by NASA that aided addicts in breaking the habit. If those kids don’t learn to leave the poor bird alone, next thing you know the 6 O’clock News will be covering a story of cereal killer. Get it? Cereal Killer.

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Hitting People Is Fine, But Only If They Hit You First

Dig’em – Honey Smacks

Jumping on the scene in 1953 was Sugar Smacks. Now known as Honey Smacks, the cereal actually changed names due to it’s own mascot, Dig ’em only calling the cereal “Smacks” in his commercial spots. I attribute this to the fact that Dig ’em was a frog, and so shouldn’t be expected to A) remember the script or B) be able to read the script in the first place. Producers should be glad that the damn thing managed to wear clothes.

“It ain’t easy being green, or finding pants that fit our weird misshapen legs.”

Where Dig ’em really had a problem was not touting a cereal he couldn’t remember the name of. Or that it shared a name with a drug. It was the fact that he encouraged children to hit each other in his commercials. Breakfast isn’t an MMA Fight Dig ’em.

In order to avoid what we can only assume would be a nationwide street brawl amongst Honey Smacks customers, they changed their slogan to “I Dig ’em” in 1991.

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Criminal Activity is Cool

Cookie Crook & Chip – Cookie Crisp Cereal

The original Cookie Crisp mascot, Cookie Jarvis is probably rolling around in his grave at the actions The Cookie Crook and Chip have taken to acquire a bowl of Cookie Crisp Cereal. The Crook and his dog took the stage in 1982 and, instead taking an active and responsible role in society by getting a job, began a life of crime which centered on the thievery of breakfast products. An act made all the more heinous because it brings up memories of the time a monkey stole my donut at the zoo.

WANTED: Dead of Alive

The Cookie Cop was dispatched to bring in the hoodlum, and time and time again was made to look an ass. It was a regular activity to see the Cookie Crook break into some secret cookie shaped cereal manufacturing factory only to be spotted by the Cookie Cop. The Cookie Crook would then grab some cereal, stuff it in a bag, and casually flip the bird to the cop as he ran away.

Not only do we have Burglary, but now let’s throw in Resisting Arrest, a 3rd or 4th Degree Felony in most states, on top of Reckless Driving. Why not just have the Cookie Crook expose himself to viewers while we’re at it. What’s a little public indecency when you’re living a live of crime? Eventually execs decided that the interaction was degrading to law enforcement, and hired a new spokesman. I bet the Cookie Cop just got so pissed he eventually paid off someone to send The Cookie Crook to sleep with the fishes.

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Cruelty To Animals Is Respectable Behavior

Sugar Bear – Super Golden Crisp

Perhaps it’s due to the fact that he is actually an animal, but Sugar Bear isn’t a very nice person. Originating in 1963, Sugar Bear immediately began doing battle with the elderly Granny Goodwitch. Their brawls revolved around one thing and one thing only. Boxes of cereal. Sure, I imagine getting his hands on money to go out and buy a box of cereal might have been difficult for Sugar Bear, but that’s no excuse for stealing from an old lady. Even if she was a witch. I’m sure she wasn’t always such a bad gal.

Granny Good Witch: Pre Granny, Pre Regular Bear Attacks

Of course, Sugar Crisp cereal had benefits that rivaled even Popeye’s spinach. So it’s easy to see why the cereal mascot had to have it so bad. We would find out in later commercials that Sugar Crisp provided a “Vitaman Packed Punch” making Sugar Bear virtually unstoppable. Taking this “Crunch with the Punch” on the road Sugar Bear ran into all sorts of other animals that also wanted a piece of the goods.

Obviously not one to recall his own desire for Sugar Crisp back in the day, Sugar Bear doesn’t even consider sharing, and instead kicks the shit out of everyone. Alligators, snakes, and sharks could bring it, but they’d be going home looking like assholes. My dog likes to have a piece of cheese every now and then, you don’t see me grabbing her by the tail and swinging her around my head like a lasso.

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It may all be unintentional, but most of these cereals have been around for over 40 years. And all the while, it’s the same unsavory messages they spew out like pea soup on the set of The Exorcist.

“Cereal with more sugar than fiber is good for you!”

It’s time to step up and change things. It’s all fine and dandy to foul up once or twice, but over the course of hundreds of commercials? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you still! I’m not taking the blame for your actions.

10 Things We Can Sell For Money; An Economic Solution Plan

It’s official, the economy is in the shitter.

“Shitter’s full! And it looks like there’s little bits of corn and economy in it!”

If there’s one thing I know a lot about, it’s how to make money in a pinch. I’ve been a college student; I’ve sold my books before classes were over, sold my blood twice in one week, and sold my comic book collection to take a girl out that never called me back. So, I’d say if anyone is qualified to help the United States pick itself up by the bootstraps and get out of this economic slump, it’s me.

I propose that the government takes the initiative to approve my 10 Part Economic Revival Plan. The plan is 10 fold because that’s how many things I thought we could sell and not look desperate to other countries. That, and most great lists are of the 10 sort. I don’t want to rock the boat of list making.

My 10 Part Economic Revival Plan will serve two purposes. Number One: bring in money. Number Two: Cleanse the Country of junk we don’t need anyway.

Without further ado…

#1 Sell All DVD Copies of “Speed Racer” to a Country in Need of Bar Coasters

This movie was one of the biggest failures Hollywood has ever produced. It cost a whopping $120,000,000 to create and it lost it’s ass. Make sure you count all of those zeros kids, it’s a crapload of money to make a craptastical movie. The film was directed by the Wachowski Brothers, the directors of the Matrix, and it was expected to blow peoples minds. It blew alright, just not anyone’s minds. Opening to reviews that were less than positive, the movie bombed. The New York Times said the film was “of no conceivable interest to anyone over the age of ten” which of course led to thousands of toddlers nationwide boycotting The New York Times. Grossing only $18,561,337 during it’s opening weekend compared to say The Dark Knight which rustled up $158,411,483.

Long story short, if no one wanted to watch it in theaters, they sure as hell aren’t going to buy it on DVD. Why not sell them to a country with a lot of bars… say Ireland. If we’re lucky, we might net a few hundred bucks off the deal. Hey, every dollar counts.

Potential Profit Margin: $40 to $80

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#2 Tear Down National Monuments and Sell the Parts

Sure, I know these things are special. But, so is heat and food. And I’m also fond of having a roof over my head. The way I see it is, National Pride is kinda out the door when you’re hitting up your buddy France to spot you for lunch at McDonalds and Great Britian has to pay your cover at the bar because you “left your wallet at home.” By breaking down our nation’s most prized landmarks, we are essentially tapping into our national resources. The Statue of Liberty for example is made up of 60,000 pounds of copper, and copper is worth quite a bit today.

Upon checking in with the official Gremlindog.com Financial Researcher, we found that per pound, copper is selling for $2.31. Do the math kids, just from the Statue of Liberty alone we could net $138,600! That’s not even including what the gold leaf torch and iron frame work would go for. And the Statue of Liberty would just be the beginning of a long list of structures gathering dust that we good push over and sell to Japan. On to the St. Louis Arch!

Potential Profit Margin: $150,000 to $1,000,000

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#3 Auction of the Cast of High School Musical to the Highest Bidder

The High School Musical phenomenon has swept the nation. With HSM3 coming out in just weeks, the franchise is only going to get bigger. And why not, the cast is full of attractive people, the songs are catchy, and everyone can relate to it. But it’s more than just movies, video games, toys, books, clothing, and for all we know there’s probably a fucking High School Musical flavored Kool Aid; all adding to a bankroll that totals in the millions. The original soundtrack alone went Quadruple Platinum, meaning it sold over 4 million copies. With the average CD selling for $15, that’s $60 million dollars alone. So, why shouldn’t we cash in on it? Disney is rich enough, and it’s time they do their part.

By auctioning off the cast of High School Musical, the highest bidder will receive 6 kids who can serve many purposes. Perhaps Canada will be the highest bidder and can develop “High School Mountie” where the stars attempt to arrest Igloo thieves while singing songs like “Holy shit is it always so cold here?”. At worst the kids could be picked up by a country short on organ donors and use them for spare parts…

Potential Profit Margin: The black market on teen stars is too sketchy to be sure
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#4 Take Jennifer Lopez’s Ass Hostage

Jennifer Lopez has a booty that just won’t quit. She’s hot, no doubt about it. Her hotness is increased tenfold by her behind. J-Lo felt that her hind end was so important to her success that she has it insured for $1,000,000. Now, I’m not sure what insurance agency felt that this was in fact a “product” that could even be insured, and one can only imagine the paperwork involved. But, we can reap the rewards.

By taking Lopez’s Ass hostage, perhaps employing Dog the Booty Hunter to apprehend it, we could cash in on the insurance policy. Alternative options would of course include forcing the aforementioned butt to star in a comedy show in Las Vegas. The options are limitless.

Potential Profit Margin: $1,000,000
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#5 Sell All the Candy Kids Collect this Halloween to Starving Countries

Don’t even pretend you find that stuff appetizing. The bane of trick-or-treaters everywhere, the Peanut Butter Kiss Candy line has pissed off many a child zombie and pirate. Houses known for offering these black and orange clad wads of gross are avoided like the plague by children, and more often than not, these homes are later pelted with rotten eggs and dog feces.

The candies go for $5 a bag from most stores, and being that one out of every 10 or so houses is owned by persons 60+ in age… you can figure that no less than 1 billion of these god forsaken pieces is collected on a yearly basis. Starving countries don’t have a much of a budget, sure, cause if they did they’d just you know, buy food to eat. But, by acquiring these meager budgets, and at the same time exporting these “candies” it’s a win/win for everyone involved.

Potential Profit Margin: Dependent on the Starving Country- A $5 spot a best

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#6 Export All Ugly Christmas Sweaters

In the same spirit as the previous idea, it’s proposed that we get rid of another holiday staple, the butt ugly Christmas sweater. Sure, they’re fun to wear to Christmas Parties themed around these articles of clothing. But wouldn’t everyone at those parties be happier if they didn’t look like they were dressed by a legally retarded Santa’s elf?

Such sweaters sell from stores like Fashion Bug and Goodies for $20 or so. And closets of mothers and grandmothers nationwide are guaranteed to have no less than 7. It’s a requirement of motherhood, just like mom jeans. There’s an estimated 85.2 million mothers in the United States, that’s upwards of 596,400,000 Christmas sweaters available for distribution. My mother alone probably has 400. Even if we sell the sweaters at half off because they’re used, we’re still looking at a big bank roll.

Potential Profit Margin: $600,000,000
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#7 Sell North and South Dakota

It’s well known that there is nothing in North or South Dakota that offers any value at all. There’s just nothing to be desired there. No theme parks, no strip joints, and no all-you-can-eat pizza buffets. Farms.com states that the average price of an acre of land in the Dakotas goes for around $1000. Were there strip joints on said acres of land we wouldn’t even be discussing this.

There are 70,762 square miles in North Dakota, and 77,116 square miles in South Dakota which brings the total to 147,878 square miles in both states. Being that there are 640 acres in a square mile of land, we find that there are 94,641,920 acres of prime (prime minus the inclusion of strip joints) land available ready to be sold to the person with the most dough to shell out. Perhaps we can talk to the folks over in Australia to look into buying the place. Maybe they can class up the joint by bringing in a few kangaroos and shit.

Potential Profit Margin: $94,641,920,000

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#8 Get Rid of the Detroit Lions

Oh the Lions. The poor poor Lions. We should really have a moment of silence for the sports fans up in Detroit. The Detroit Lions football team has won 4 National Football League championships, the last was in 1957, before the Super Bowl even came to be. The last time the Lions brought home the gold Dwight D. Eisenhower was President, Wham-O invented the Frisbee, and Paul McCartney and John Lennon met, (they wouldn’t form the Beatles for 3 more years.) The last time the Lions were champions the fucking Beatles weren’t even together.

The Lions are worth an estimated 1.2 Billion dollars, and could easily produce more if they were a championship team. Perhaps they’d be better suited playing in a country with less dominate football teams to contend with. The Chief Gremlindog.com Ambassador to the country of Greenland thinks we might have a good fit. Apparently there’s no football teams at all there. Also, apparently all they export is fish.

Potential Profit Margin: 1.2 Billion Fish

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#8 Open up the Cat Trade With China

Cats are everywhere. Pooping in our sandboxes, knocking over our lamps, and generally just being condescending assholes. At last census, there was… way too many damn cats. Researchers estimate that there are over 30 million making their homes in the United States. Researchers also estimate that all 30 million of them are dickwads. Sure, they do funny things sometimes and sure they kill mice, but so does poison, and I don’t see anyone making websites about poison with butchered english phrases written on the pictures.

Everyone has heard the horror stories of what’s in Chinese food. Even if it isn’t true, why not see if China is interested in a little trade. Say a buck a cat?

Potential Profit Margin: $30,000,000

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#10 Sell T-Shirts With This Guy On Them

Sure to be the next sensation to sweep the nation, t-shirts with this guy are the next big thing. It’s just up to us to jump on it before some major designer does. Funny Tees are the in thing right now, and if we just say it’s cool, every college student in the country will be wearing one to class by Monday.

Potential Profit Margin: Limitless

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The choice is ours America, and it’s up to us to make a difference. With just these 10 items I’ve found a way to bring in billions of dollars, and some fish, to benefit the U.S. Economy. We can take action now and implement My 10 Part Economic Revival Plan, or spend the rest of our lives watching our cats be dicks, while we watch the Lions lose, and J-Lo’s sweet money maker goes free.

Media Mania

It’s time for your daily dose of wild and wacky news!

Young Goddess Announced

So today Nepal has debuted their newest living goddess. A three year old named Matani Shakya was chosen as the brand new “kumari” by Hindu and Buddhist priests after a long and arduous ceremony. She was whisked away from her parents to live in a temple until she reaches puperty, and loses her divinity.

“Will there be Barbies and Hannah Montana tapes in this temple?”

I know right? What kind of little girl wants to spend the rest of their lives cooped up in a temple having cookies and Skittles tossed at them by adoring fans while they watch Dora the Explorer on a 52″ Plasma? I would of course be fine with those things, but I’m not a little girl who got chose as the new “kumari” either. She probably just wanted to be left alone to play with her Easy Bake Oven and her parents wanted to cash in while the getting was good. Way to be model parents you guys.

“Have fun at camp or whatever sweetheart!”

Of course, it’s not like this is the wackiest religious practice in the world. Oh no. Not by a long shot. In fact, with the exception of a choice few most religions have something a little wacky about them. For example Catholics have the whole exorcism thing, Jehovah’s Witnesses will not accept blood transfusions, and Mormons think that Godzilla is real.

Toddlers being dieties, this tops the latest in a string of wacky stories from the media, but it’s certainly not the only one!

Bond Girl Secret

Oh yes, the newest Bond girl Gemma Arterton! Starring in the upcoming “Quantum of Solace” which is looking to be the greatest Bond movie ever, she’s a hottie fo’ sho’. But, don’t get too excited too quick guys and gals. This Brit has a secret she’s not afraid to hide.

“It’s my little oddity that I’m really proud of,” she said to Esquire magazine. “It makes me different.”

Oh, what’s that Gemma, a little different huh? Were you born on Leap Year? That’s so cool.

“No, I used to have 6 fingers on each hand.”

Wait you wha…….!!!!

Apparently the young starlet had the extra fingers removed as a baby, and all that is left is tiny scars. But, it still gives me the heebie jeebies. But, spoiler alert! I guess we can expect the Bond villian to be none other than Inigo Mantoya!

“My name is Inigo Mantoya, you killed my father… omg you were totally hot ’til I heard you had six fingers!”

And if you don’t know who he is, then you haven’t seen one of the greatest movies ever made. So, go out and rent it. Or borrow it from me, I have it on DVD.

Wigs Are Out!

A centuries old practice of English Judges wearing a white horse hair wig while presiding over court ended recently. England has decided that the wigs are either to damn silly to be worn to every day court cases, or we’ve got some horses going on strike.

People are apparently pissed off about this.

“The idea’s ridiculous! A barrister without his wig would be like a doctor without a stethoscope,” said John Mortimer who apparently doesn’t realize a doctor actually uses a stethoscope and a person only wears a wig.

But, here’s the kicker. The wigs will still be worn by criminal case judges, just no one else. Which I’m sure is a relief to all of the regular court attendies who up until recently had to be in the presence of a guy in a wig. Traffic court, Family court, <insert word> court you guys don’t have to face the wrath of a head accessory. England doesn’t want to let the really bad people off so easy though. They still have to face the wig!

“I’m gonna getcha! Nah, I’m kidding, I’m not.”

Oh you damned dirty criminals… God bless your souls.

Mr. Clean is Dead

Wait… what?!?! Is this like where they kill a character in a comic book to stir up ratings and then they bring him back in some issue later on?

“I’ll be back.”

No, ok. Apparently there used to be an actual man who played the part of this bronzed genie like man we see in today’s commercials. He died at the age of 92 and his name was Robert House Peter’s Jr.

“Listen, I’ll clean the damn sink, but I ain’t shavin’ my head, and I ain’t wearing no ring in my ear.”

The man was a star of classic Western Films and Shows, and like most stars, was paid to pretend he liked a product on television. Here’s one of the very first Mr. Clean commercials to air.

Okay, I’m going to assume that I’m not the only one that thought Mr. Clean looked like a cartoon in that commercial. I’m also going to assume that I’m not the only one that thought Mr. Clean looked a little, how do you say… gay? And I’m also going to assume that I’m not the only one still singing that song in my head.

Anyway, R.I.P. Mr. Clean.

Iceland Teeters on the Edge of Bankruptcy

I honestly debated whether or not to even bring this up. But, I’ll be honest, it’s kinda sad. If a whole entire country full of people working and doing whatever the hell it is they do up in Iceland can’t make it in a bad economy, how am I supposed to? I know there’s going to be those out there with their knowledge and Iceland books saying things like… “Jason, don’t you know that Iceland only blah blah blah.” And to those people I say… yeah, I did know that.

Iceland’s main exports are Ice, Polar Bear Halloween costumes, and Vikings. And I realize that Halloween only comes once a year, so that isn’t exactly something they can bank on.

Hey kids, I’m fun to wear all year long! (Mom and Dad, I make a great Easter Sunday outfit!)

However, Iceland still has all that Ice and the Vikings!

Okay, I’ve just been informed by the team of researchers and scientists that work for gremlindog.com that I have no idea what I’m talking about. So, I’ll just say that it sucks for Iceland about the bankruptcy, and good luck to all the Vikings.

Deepest Living Fish Found

Apparently the former record was 4 miles, but recently scientists in Japan have found a fish that lives 4.8 miles down. It’s called “Who gives a shit about this fish” and feeds on shrimp.

The fish was described by it’s finders as “surprisingly cute” and I have to agree. All of the deep sea fish I’ve ever dated have always been fuuuuuhhhhhgly!

“Some people say I look like Ariel because of my red hair.”

I find this news heartwarming, how cool is it to find out something that we didn’t know before? Actually, I’m kidding. Gas costs me over $3 a gallon, and scientists are deep sea diving for fish that live really deep. Fuck fish. Discover a lizard that shits dollar bills, and then I’ll be impressed.