It’s time for your daily dose of wild and wacky news!
<insert cheesy news music>
Young Goddess Announced
So today Nepal has debuted their newest living goddess. A three year old named Matani Shakya was chosen as the brand new “kumari” by Hindu and Buddhist priests after a long and arduous ceremony. She was whisked away from her parents to live in a temple until she reaches puperty, and loses her divinity.
“Will there be Barbies and Hannah Montana tapes in this temple?”
I know right? What kind of little girl wants to spend the rest of their lives cooped up in a temple having cookies and Skittles tossed at them by adoring fans while they watch Dora the Explorer on a 52″ Plasma? I would of course be fine with those things, but I’m not a little girl who got chose as the new “kumari” either. She probably just wanted to be left alone to play with her Easy Bake Oven and her parents wanted to cash in while the getting was good. Way to be model parents you guys.
“Have fun at camp or whatever sweetheart!”
Of course, it’s not like this is the wackiest religious practice in the world. Oh no. Not by a long shot. In fact, with the exception of a choice few most religions have something a little wacky about them. For example Catholics have the whole exorcism thing, Jehovah’s Witnesses will not accept blood transfusions, and Mormons think that Godzilla is real.
Toddlers being dieties, this tops the latest in a string of wacky stories from the media, but it’s certainly not the only one!
Bond Girl Secret
Oh yes, the newest Bond girl Gemma Arterton! Starring in the upcoming “Quantum of Solace” which is looking to be the greatest Bond movie ever, she’s a hottie fo’ sho’. But, don’t get too excited too quick guys and gals. This Brit has a secret she’s not afraid to hide.
“It’s my little oddity that I’m really proud of,” she said to Esquire magazine. “It makes me different.”
Oh, what’s that Gemma, a little different huh? Were you born on Leap Year? That’s so cool.
“No, I used to have 6 fingers on each hand.”
Wait you wha…….!!!!
Apparently the young starlet had the extra fingers removed as a baby, and all that is left is tiny scars. But, it still gives me the heebie jeebies. But, spoiler alert! I guess we can expect the Bond villian to be none other than Inigo Mantoya!
“My name is Inigo Mantoya, you killed my father… omg you were totally hot ’til I heard you had six fingers!”
And if you don’t know who he is, then you haven’t seen one of the greatest movies ever made. So, go out and rent it. Or borrow it from me, I have it on DVD.
Wigs Are Out!
A centuries old practice of English Judges wearing a white horse hair wig while presiding over court ended recently. England has decided that the wigs are either to damn silly to be worn to every day court cases, or we’ve got some horses going on strike.
People are apparently pissed off about this.
“The idea’s ridiculous! A barrister without his wig would be like a doctor without a stethoscope,” said John Mortimer who apparently doesn’t realize a doctor actually uses a stethoscope and a person only wears a wig.
But, here’s the kicker. The wigs will still be worn by criminal case judges, just no one else. Which I’m sure is a relief to all of the regular court attendies who up until recently had to be in the presence of a guy in a wig. Traffic court, Family court, <insert word> court you guys don’t have to face the wrath of a head accessory. England doesn’t want to let the really bad people off so easy though. They still have to face the wig!
“I’m gonna getcha! Nah, I’m kidding, I’m not.”
Oh you damned dirty criminals… God bless your souls.
Mr. Clean is Dead
Wait… what?!?! Is this like where they kill a character in a comic book to stir up ratings and then they bring him back in some issue later on?
“I’ll be back.”
No, ok. Apparently there used to be an actual man who played the part of this bronzed genie like man we see in today’s commercials. He died at the age of 92 and his name was Robert House Peter’s Jr.
“Listen, I’ll clean the damn sink, but I ain’t shavin’ my head, and I ain’t wearing no ring in my ear.”
The man was a star of classic Western Films and Shows, and like most stars, was paid to pretend he liked a product on television. Here’s one of the very first Mr. Clean commercials to air.
Okay, I’m going to assume that I’m not the only one that thought Mr. Clean looked like a cartoon in that commercial. I’m also going to assume that I’m not the only one that thought Mr. Clean looked a little, how do you say… gay? And I’m also going to assume that I’m not the only one still singing that song in my head.
Anyway, R.I.P. Mr. Clean.
Iceland Teeters on the Edge of Bankruptcy
I honestly debated whether or not to even bring this up. But, I’ll be honest, it’s kinda sad. If a whole entire country full of people working and doing whatever the hell it is they do up in Iceland can’t make it in a bad economy, how am I supposed to? I know there’s going to be those out there with their knowledge and Iceland books saying things like… “Jason, don’t you know that Iceland only blah blah blah.” And to those people I say… yeah, I did know that.
Iceland’s main exports are Ice, Polar Bear Halloween costumes, and Vikings. And I realize that Halloween only comes once a year, so that isn’t exactly something they can bank on.
Hey kids, I’m fun to wear all year long! (Mom and Dad, I make a great Easter Sunday outfit!)
However, Iceland still has all that Ice and the Vikings!
Okay, I’ve just been informed by the team of researchers and scientists that work for gremlindog.com that I have no idea what I’m talking about. So, I’ll just say that it sucks for Iceland about the bankruptcy, and good luck to all the Vikings.
Deepest Living Fish Found
Apparently the former record was 4 miles, but recently scientists in Japan have found a fish that lives 4.8 miles down. It’s called “Who gives a shit about this fish” and feeds on shrimp.
The fish was described by it’s finders as “surprisingly cute” and I have to agree. All of the deep sea fish I’ve ever dated have always been fuuuuuhhhhhgly!
“Some people say I look like Ariel because of my red hair.”
I find this news heartwarming, how cool is it to find out something that we didn’t know before? Actually, I’m kidding. Gas costs me over $3 a gallon, and scientists are deep sea diving for fish that live really deep. Fuck fish. Discover a lizard that shits dollar bills, and then I’ll be impressed.