No one enjoys a good love story as much as us. Actually, that’s probably not accurate at all. I’m sure there’s hundreds of thousands of people that enjoy a good love story just as much as us. Hell, there’s probably millions. And there’s probably that many more that most likely enjoy a good love story even more than us.
Um… Let’s begin again then, shall we?
People enjoy a good love story. It’s a fact. And most love stories involve the lovers having to surpass and overcome obstacles to “find” their true love. But, sometimes… it’s just a little to far fetched.
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The Movie:
Romeo and Juliet
The Premise:
Two families that hate each other end up having their children fall in love.
Why We Can’t Buy Into It:
The story revolves around two kids who fall for each other without realizing who the other’s family is. They run around town causing all kinds of trouble, throwing parties, fighting, doing drugs, and they fall in love. C’mon, seriously? Sure, kids are known to sneak out from time to time, and they surely disobey their parents’ wishes for them to not watch porn and masturbate in their socks. However, don’t you think two sets of parents who were feuding like the Hatfields and McCoys would be a little more in tune with what their teenage children were up to? Juliet was only thirteen years old for goodness sake!
Now, imagine that cute little thirteen year old girl, running around with the enemies’ son. No way, that’s just not gonna fly. Don’t you think her dad would do a little more than flip out? It’d be like our President’s daughter going out to a movie with Osama Bin Laden’s son. And as if we needed more fuel to add to this fire, let’s not forget that the children were married in the movie by a Friar! Just to let that sink in for a second, please remember that most thirteen year old kids would be 7th Graders. 7th Graders are in Middle School.
Now, as if all that isn’t enough to make you go, whoa now! How’s this for the real icing on the cake. Romeo and Juliet both die in the end. They don’t ride into the sunset, or sail away to a tropical island. They die. They cease to be. I don’t know about you, but we don’t get all lovey-dovey when people die. It’s just not our thing.
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The Movie:
You’ve Got Mail
The Premise:
Two people fall in love via the internet.
Why We Can’t Buy Into It:
Don’t let us fool you. We’ve fallen in love via the internet countless times. Even last night for some of us. But, we’re not referring to the Online Dating sites everyone is so into these days. We’re talking about the kind of stuff you download and watch in the dark with the sound turned down so your roommate can’t hear. You know, porn. That’s the realistic kind of relationships that develop online, they’re kinda one sided. Not in this film. In this movie we have two characters who are both in the ultra-competitive market of book selling and dislike each other strongly in the real world, who through the magic of the World Wide Web finally get to know each other and fall in love.
I realize that back when this movie was made (1998) that the internet was a new and marvelous thing. There were probably a whole lot less pop ups, and most likely less evil and awful people taking advantage of others. But, in today’s world, if you meet someone online you keep that at a nice safe distance. You don’t go and fall in love with them just because they type well. That’s how you end up with your leg chained to a lead pipe in some forgotten bathroom with a hacksaw as your only means of escape.
Television programs like “How To Catch A Predator” have kinda ruined the whole meet someone online and have a good time thing. Not to mention the only emails we get are for Penis Enlargement Pills. As if we needed ’em.
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The Movie:
Beauty and the Beast
The Premise:
A monster who’s really a man kidnaps a girl and she falls in love with him.
Why We Can’t Buy Into It:
We know the problem here isn’t that women only fall for a man because of his looks. That’s bullshit, only guys do that. A woman is able to look beyond the shaggy headed, unshaven, wrinkly clothed exterior of a man to find something worthwhile on the inside. That’s the job of a lady, to find the diamond in the rough, polish it until it shines, and then introduce him to her parents. However, if that lady is kidnapped and held in a prison, then you better watch out. It doesn’t matter how many pieces of talking furniture you have, she’s gonna rip your balls off and feed them to you as soon as she has the chance.
Obviously the Beauty wants to give the Beast the benefit of the doubt in this case seeing that she doesn’t take the first opportunity available to kick him in the nuts. But, what woman in the entire world would not be freaking the hell out if she was abducted by a huge monster.
I seriously doubt being in love is ever crossing her mind as she is surrounded by talking cups and barking couch cushions while the giant beast man moans and bitches like he has fleas.
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The Movie:
Gone With The Wind
The Premise:
Guy loves a Lady who loves another Guy who loves another Lady, and there’s also a war.
Why We Can’t Buy Into It:
Wow, where do you even begin with this movie? How about the beginning when our starlet is flirting with a couple of different boys while at the same time she has this thing for a third guy. That’s three dudes she’s already into if you’re keeping score at home. After having her feelings hurt by the last dude, she runs into a fourth dude. Please be aware that I’m not exaggerating when I say that this chick was a whore. By the end of the movie she had married three of these guys, that’s 75% of the dudes she had crushes on. We’ll give her the benefit of the doubt that each of her previous husbands died before moving onto the next, but still. How about a little grieving period.
Let’s not forget that the movie is centered around the results of the Civil War, and how it affected the Southern way of life. Not only did our heroine slut herself out to every guy in town, she also went to bed with the North. Figuratively speaking of course, this wasn’t like a “Debbie Does Dallas” movie.
The movie is considered one of the greatest films of all time and received numerous awards and it certainly deserved them all, it was an amazing piece of work when it was made. We just think it’s unfair to call it a love story, considering at the end our star ends up completely alone. And it’s doubtful she was into “alone love” if you know what we mean.
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The Movie:
Ghost
The Premise:
A couple is torn apart by a robbery/murder, but they’re reunited by love.
Why We Can’t Buy Into It:
Have you seen “The Poltergeist”? Have you seen “The Grudge”? Have you seen any horror movie with a ghost in it? They’re scary as hell. That’s what ghosts do you know, they scare people. They’re not nice. Fuck “Casper”, we’re not talking about him. We’re talking about moving your shit, slamming doors, making the room hot/cold, scary, asshole ghosts. Instead, we’ve got a guy that is chained to the world by his love for a woman who teams up with a psychic to thwart the plans of his killer. We then watch as together they pull out “CSI” like detective skills to solve the case and save the day.
So how is it that this guy doesn’t cause her to go right out and call “The Ghost Busters” to come in and clean house? Oh, it’s because she’s convinced that he’s totally real and legit by a con-artist who says she can talk to ghosts. A con-artist that has a laundry list of crimes on her record at the Police Department. Nothing like a person accused of fraud on numerous occasions giving you love tips from the afterlife.
The truth is, it doesn’t matter how many bad guys a ghost kills, or how many clay pots he helps you make, it’s still gonna give you the heebie jeebies.
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There’s probably going to have to be a follow up to this article, because to be honest, there’s just way too many movies that fit into this category. What movie has stuck out like a sore thumb in your mind? Talk about it in the comment section!