It’s official, the economy is in the shitter.
“Shitter’s full! And it looks like there’s little bits of corn and economy in it!”
If there’s one thing I know a lot about, it’s how to make money in a pinch. I’ve been a college student; I’ve sold my books before classes were over, sold my blood twice in one week, and sold my comic book collection to take a girl out that never called me back. So, I’d say if anyone is qualified to help the United States pick itself up by the bootstraps and get out of this economic slump, it’s me.
I propose that the government takes the initiative to approve my 10 Part Economic Revival Plan. The plan is 10 fold because that’s how many things I thought we could sell and not look desperate to other countries. That, and most great lists are of the 10 sort. I don’t want to rock the boat of list making.
My 10 Part Economic Revival Plan will serve two purposes. Number One: bring in money. Number Two: Cleanse the Country of junk we don’t need anyway.
Without further ado…
#1 Sell All DVD Copies of “Speed Racer” to a Country in Need of Bar Coasters
This movie was one of the biggest failures Hollywood has ever produced. It cost a whopping $120,000,000 to create and it lost it’s ass. Make sure you count all of those zeros kids, it’s a crapload of money to make a craptastical movie. The film was directed by the Wachowski Brothers, the directors of the Matrix, and it was expected to blow peoples minds. It blew alright, just not anyone’s minds. Opening to reviews that were less than positive, the movie bombed. The New York Times said the film was “of no conceivable interest to anyone over the age of ten” which of course led to thousands of toddlers nationwide boycotting The New York Times. Grossing only $18,561,337 during it’s opening weekend compared to say The Dark Knight which rustled up $158,411,483.
Long story short, if no one wanted to watch it in theaters, they sure as hell aren’t going to buy it on DVD. Why not sell them to a country with a lot of bars… say Ireland. If we’re lucky, we might net a few hundred bucks off the deal. Hey, every dollar counts.
Potential Profit Margin: $40 to $80
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#2 Tear Down National Monuments and Sell the Parts
Sure, I know these things are special. But, so is heat and food. And I’m also fond of having a roof over my head. The way I see it is, National Pride is kinda out the door when you’re hitting up your buddy France to spot you for lunch at McDonalds and Great Britian has to pay your cover at the bar because you “left your wallet at home.” By breaking down our nation’s most prized landmarks, we are essentially tapping into our national resources. The Statue of Liberty for example is made up of 60,000 pounds of copper, and copper is worth quite a bit today.
Upon checking in with the official Gremlindog.com Financial Researcher, we found that per pound, copper is selling for $2.31. Do the math kids, just from the Statue of Liberty alone we could net $138,600! That’s not even including what the gold leaf torch and iron frame work would go for. And the Statue of Liberty would just be the beginning of a long list of structures gathering dust that we good push over and sell to Japan. On to the St. Louis Arch!
Potential Profit Margin: $150,000 to $1,000,000
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#3 Auction of the Cast of High School Musical to the Highest Bidder
The High School Musical phenomenon has swept the nation. With HSM3 coming out in just weeks, the franchise is only going to get bigger. And why not, the cast is full of attractive people, the songs are catchy, and everyone can relate to it. But it’s more than just movies, video games, toys, books, clothing, and for all we know there’s probably a fucking High School Musical flavored Kool Aid; all adding to a bankroll that totals in the millions. The original soundtrack alone went Quadruple Platinum, meaning it sold over 4 million copies. With the average CD selling for $15, that’s $60 million dollars alone. So, why shouldn’t we cash in on it? Disney is rich enough, and it’s time they do their part.
By auctioning off the cast of High School Musical, the highest bidder will receive 6 kids who can serve many purposes. Perhaps Canada will be the highest bidder and can develop “High School Mountie” where the stars attempt to arrest Igloo thieves while singing songs like “Holy shit is it always so cold here?”. At worst the kids could be picked up by a country short on organ donors and use them for spare parts…
Potential Profit Margin: The black market on teen stars is too sketchy to be sure
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#4 Take Jennifer Lopez’s Ass Hostage
Jennifer Lopez has a booty that just won’t quit. She’s hot, no doubt about it. Her hotness is increased tenfold by her behind. J-Lo felt that her hind end was so important to her success that she has it insured for $1,000,000. Now, I’m not sure what insurance agency felt that this was in fact a “product” that could even be insured, and one can only imagine the paperwork involved. But, we can reap the rewards.
By taking Lopez’s Ass hostage, perhaps employing Dog the Booty Hunter to apprehend it, we could cash in on the insurance policy. Alternative options would of course include forcing the aforementioned butt to star in a comedy show in Las Vegas. The options are limitless.
Potential Profit Margin: $1,000,000
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#5 Sell All the Candy Kids Collect this Halloween to Starving Countries
Don’t even pretend you find that stuff appetizing. The bane of trick-or-treaters everywhere, the Peanut Butter Kiss Candy line has pissed off many a child zombie and pirate. Houses known for offering these black and orange clad wads of gross are avoided like the plague by children, and more often than not, these homes are later pelted with rotten eggs and dog feces.
The candies go for $5 a bag from most stores, and being that one out of every 10 or so houses is owned by persons 60+ in age… you can figure that no less than 1 billion of these god forsaken pieces is collected on a yearly basis. Starving countries don’t have a much of a budget, sure, cause if they did they’d just you know, buy food to eat. But, by acquiring these meager budgets, and at the same time exporting these “candies” it’s a win/win for everyone involved.
Potential Profit Margin: Dependent on the Starving Country- A $5 spot a best
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#6 Export All Ugly Christmas Sweaters
In the same spirit as the previous idea, it’s proposed that we get rid of another holiday staple, the butt ugly Christmas sweater. Sure, they’re fun to wear to Christmas Parties themed around these articles of clothing. But wouldn’t everyone at those parties be happier if they didn’t look like they were dressed by a legally retarded Santa’s elf?
Such sweaters sell from stores like Fashion Bug and Goodies for $20 or so. And closets of mothers and grandmothers nationwide are guaranteed to have no less than 7. It’s a requirement of motherhood, just like mom jeans. There’s an estimated 85.2 million mothers in the United States, that’s upwards of 596,400,000 Christmas sweaters available for distribution. My mother alone probably has 400. Even if we sell the sweaters at half off because they’re used, we’re still looking at a big bank roll.
Potential Profit Margin: $600,000,000
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#7 Sell North and South Dakota
It’s well known that there is nothing in North or South Dakota that offers any value at all. There’s just nothing to be desired there. No theme parks, no strip joints, and no all-you-can-eat pizza buffets. Farms.com states that the average price of an acre of land in the Dakotas goes for around $1000. Were there strip joints on said acres of land we wouldn’t even be discussing this.
There are 70,762 square miles in North Dakota, and 77,116 square miles in South Dakota which brings the total to 147,878 square miles in both states. Being that there are 640 acres in a square mile of land, we find that there are 94,641,920 acres of prime (prime minus the inclusion of strip joints) land available ready to be sold to the person with the most dough to shell out. Perhaps we can talk to the folks over in Australia to look into buying the place. Maybe they can class up the joint by bringing in a few kangaroos and shit.
Potential Profit Margin: $94,641,920,000
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#8 Get Rid of the Detroit Lions
Oh the Lions. The poor poor Lions. We should really have a moment of silence for the sports fans up in Detroit. The Detroit Lions football team has won 4 National Football League championships, the last was in 1957, before the Super Bowl even came to be. The last time the Lions brought home the gold Dwight D. Eisenhower was President, Wham-O invented the Frisbee, and Paul McCartney and John Lennon met, (they wouldn’t form the Beatles for 3 more years.) The last time the Lions were champions the fucking Beatles weren’t even together.
The Lions are worth an estimated 1.2 Billion dollars, and could easily produce more if they were a championship team. Perhaps they’d be better suited playing in a country with less dominate football teams to contend with. The Chief Gremlindog.com Ambassador to the country of Greenland thinks we might have a good fit. Apparently there’s no football teams at all there. Also, apparently all they export is fish.
Potential Profit Margin: 1.2 Billion Fish
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#8 Open up the Cat Trade With China
Cats are everywhere. Pooping in our sandboxes, knocking over our lamps, and generally just being condescending assholes. At last census, there was… way too many damn cats. Researchers estimate that there are over 30 million making their homes in the United States. Researchers also estimate that all 30 million of them are dickwads. Sure, they do funny things sometimes and sure they kill mice, but so does poison, and I don’t see anyone making websites about poison with butchered english phrases written on the pictures.
Everyone has heard the horror stories of what’s in Chinese food. Even if it isn’t true, why not see if China is interested in a little trade. Say a buck a cat?
Potential Profit Margin: $30,000,000
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#10 Sell T-Shirts With This Guy On Them
Sure to be the next sensation to sweep the nation, t-shirts with this guy are the next big thing. It’s just up to us to jump on it before some major designer does. Funny Tees are the in thing right now, and if we just say it’s cool, every college student in the country will be wearing one to class by Monday.
Potential Profit Margin: Limitless
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The choice is ours America, and it’s up to us to make a difference. With just these 10 items I’ve found a way to bring in billions of dollars, and some fish, to benefit the U.S. Economy. We can take action now and implement My 10 Part Economic Revival Plan, or spend the rest of our lives watching our cats be dicks, while we watch the Lions lose, and J-Lo’s sweet money maker goes free.