Two Scoops of Sun Dried Grapes… And Other Generic Cereals

I love grocery shopping. There’s not many things that I enjoy more. Seriously, it’s a chance for me to unwind after a long day, and get excited about things in the future. Those things being what I’m gonna put in my belly. And as for those asshats that say, “Don’t shop on an empty stomach”, I say… screw you. I go home with more interesting food on those days than on any other. In fact, I often spend less than I would with a well planned out menu that I was shopping for… Nah, that’s not true. I spend like 5 times as much. But seriously, who cares?!?! You only live once, so you might as well live with 6 different types of peanut butter available to you at any time.

And that brings me to the meat of this article. Anyone who knows me, or has seen me at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet of any kind, knows that I love to eat. I make fat people who eat too much look like fat people who eat normal amounts of food. And one of my favorite things to eat is cereal. I love it. I will eat it at any time of the day, and will not be embarrassed by having a tiny little plastic baggy full of my favorite cereal treat available to munch on the go. And the cereal of choice for me, is Marshmallow Mateys.

Look at that freaking bag! I swear, when the folks at Malt O’ Meal say SUPER SIZE, they are not screwing around. That bag contains no less than 80 pounds of cereal, of which 56 pounds is marshmallows. I love this stuff, I’ve eaten so many bags of it, that they’ve debated switching a picture of me out for the kangaroos. Well, they haven’t, but that would be some cool shit wouldn’t it?

Which brings me to the rest of the meat of this article, Generic Cereals. They’re something else, they’re cereals with a generic label! Of course, they’re essentially the same as their name brand counterpart… but they’re oh so different. And that is a beautiful thing. A thing I’m here to share with you.

We’ve all heard of Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle, and Pop, and Captain Crunch… but the folks you are about to see will amaze and astound you. These… are the GENERIC CEREAL MASCOTS!

Our first spokesperson represents a line of chocolaty cereal in the nugget form. It’s…

Tony Monkey!
Yes, Tony Monkey, the younger brother of the famous skateboarder Tony Hawk. Tony Monkey used to be the best skateboarder there was, he was king. That was until that fateful day he got caught up in doing crack cocaine. Yep, this kids, is a crackmonkey. His love of chocolate took him to dark and dangerous places, and while he never was a good reader, or very smart… no one thought him stupid enough to confuse a bag labeled Cocaine with one labeled Cocoa. Now, he sucks men’s privates or as he calls them “weird shaped bananas” for a high.

Next up on our virtual Who’s Who of the bottom shelf cereals…

Drunk Off His Ass Frog!
Long time lover of cereal and snorkeling, Drunk Off His Ass Frog otherwise known as DOHAF has been swimming and eating for years. Originally just a frog, DOHAF became the “man” he is today after being caught by a guy swimming and a guy gigging for “Good Eats”. (See artists renderings below)

A fifth of Jack Daniels later, the men had decided this frog was too cool to eat. Instead, they made love to him. DAHOF hasn’t spent a day sober since. Never one to turn down a chance to earn money to purchase alcohol, he responded to an advertisement seeking “Naked Frog with Scuba Prop”, and the picture on the box is the result of the photo shoot.

Our next beloved cereal icon is none other than…

LOLgator was the laughing stock of the swamp. Originally trying out to be the mascot for the Florida Gators, he lost the job after it was found out that he was legally retarded. How they didn’t figure that out by simply looking at him, we may never know. But after he was spotted Sweating to the Oldies in the locker room he was promptly fired, and spent the next 7 years wondering the country selling used suitcases with this guy.

LOLgator finally made it big when getting lost in the Endless Blue Abyss, and being photographed as he raced away. Crisp Rice Cereal Inc. found the photo, and the rest is history.

Moving onward, our next Hero of the Cereals that Cost Less Money is…

Crocodile Dun-ate some Cereal!

Crocodile was the star of many Australian action films before meeting his sad demise at the photo shoot for Fruity Crisp Rice. The picture above was taken shortly beforehand. But the ever eager photographer, excited by the prospect of selling more cereal for the company writing his check, goaded Crocodile into having a tasty bite of that cereal. Croc agreed, and shoved a spoonful in his mouth, which resulted in the pointy end of the poorly designed spoon being shoved right into his beady black eye. He died on the scene.

Up for grabs next and in a cereal bowl near you is…

1998 Rookie of the Year, RANDY MOSS!
HAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, omg! Yeah, that’s Randy Moss! And that kids, is his Magic Crunch. Michael Jordan has Nike, Tiger Woods has Gatorade, and Randy Moss, he has Magic Crunch.

Finally, we have a mascot that will knock your socks right off. Please, if there are any children in the room, get them out. And if your wife or girlfriend is around, beware! Because this guy is…

Humpty the Bear!
Humpty the Bear, porn star in the seventies had a rough life in the eighties and nineties. Finding work as a Porn star in a winter hat and gloves, not to mention a movie that called for a White Cartoon Bear wasn’t easy. After staring in Debbie Does The Wilderness, and Goldifucks and the 3 Bears; Humpty entered into a slump. Until 30 years later he was spotted by an advertising agent that “liked his look”. However, after going through an entire roll of film with every picture being blurred, the agent made a critical mistake. “The next shot is the Money Shot” he told Humpty. Humpty did what any former porn star cartoon bear would do, and made love to the cereal bowl.

That’s it for our look at Generic Cereal Mascots, I hope next time you’re shopping for a breakfast treat you’ll look beyond the Toucan Sam’s and the Trix Rabbit’s and give some of these unsung heroes a chance at filling your tummy.

Carol Wright Gifts…Buy Something!

This Mother’s Day, many of us will be presenting our Mamas with a gift they don’t want. In fact, they may dislike it so much, that they will disown you, and not make you cookies.

So this Mother’s Day, I suggest you do what over 12 people are doing, and buy your Mom something from Carol Wright Gifts!

Carol Wright Gifts, online and by magazine has been serving gift seeking people for 400 years, and has some of the most creative (read: wtf?!?!) things that anyone could possibly spend money on. This year, Mom won’t know what hit her!

Let’s start with items for the kitchen, because if there’s one place in the house that Mom loves to get gifts for, it’s the liquor cabinet. A close second is the kitchen.

“The Rooster Sink Liner” is described on the website as “Brilliant”, and I can’t help but agree. What’s more brilliant than a cock in a sink? Nothing, that’s what. And at $3.99 a piece, you just can’t go wrong.

“The World’s Easiest Nutcracker” takes all the effort out of cracking nuts. Of course, upon further investigation, I don’t really see how complicated the process really is. A better name for this product would be “Nutcracker that is Just as Easy to Use as Other Nutcrackers”, although fitting that on promotional pens and mugs would be more difficult. I do suppose it will at least serve us well by getting Mom’s old nutcracker…

…right out of the kitchen and back on the Christmas Mantle. Best part is at just $4.99, you’ll still have money to buy porn.

Let’s make our way over to the Garden shall we? Mom loves to spend time outside growing things, and this Mother’s Day, you can help her do it better, with the help of Carol Wright Gifts!

Mom will shit her pants when you present her with this guy! Not to be confused with Mr. Potato Head, “Tree Man” is in a league all his own. The website says this is a “Great way to welcome friends and neighbors”, I agree. Better pick up two or three of these, everyone is gonna want one. And when you tell them you only spent $7.99, they’ll probably punch you in the face and call you a liar.

YES! Mom has probably time and time again complained about the amount of bug bites she gets while trimming her roses, and these “Bug Stopper Pants” will solve the problem quick, fast, and in a hurry. The fact that a person could just wear jeans, and not look like a complete tool is irrelevant here, these pants stop bugs from biting legs. As for arms, hands, faces, etc… you’re on your own. Cost: $7.99

When it comes to Personal Needs, Mom never asks for anything, but we all know good and well there are things she would love to have. Carol Wright Gifts knows Moms, in fact, after looking through the humongous lists of gifts available, I can only guess that Carol Wright herself, must be a Mom. If she actually exists that is.

Apparently from the same makers of the “Bug Stopper Pants” comes this item, the “Soft Knit Arm Warmers”. The website recommends this item to chase away the chill when you “don’t want to wear a sweater”. How about calling this item “Long Sleeve Shirt” instead? I almost lost faith in you when I saw this item Carol Wright, until I saw that $3.99 price tag. Then I said. I agree with Carol Wright, long sleeve shirts be damned, I got me some “Soft Knit Arm Warmers.”

Oh my… um… Wow, just… wow. Yeah, that is what you think it is. In fact, Carol Wright Gifts offers several.

Baby Bug

Patchy Paul II

The (You’re Doing it Wrong)

Ranging in price from $30.00 to $100.00 there’s one for every budget. Show Mom how much you love her, by letting her love herself!

I’ll be right back, I just threw up a little in my mouth….

Back into the house, and our final category. Household Helpers! Mom is always having trouble around the house, cleaning and doing other Mom things, Carol Wright Gifts has the answers!

Kill two birds with one stone this Mother’s Day when you buy the “Deluxe Mop Slippers”. No seriously, this is for real. In fact, I’m going to copy over the exact, word for word description the website offers for this product, because I swear, if I was the freak son of Richard Pryor, Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Dane Cook, and Mitch Hedberg, I couldn’t write anything funnier.

Cleaning your floors just got easier! Simply slide into these comfortable, dust mop slippers and pick up dirt, dust, pet hair and more – just by gliding through a room. You’ll never have to bend, stoop or kneel again! Leave your hands free for other chores.

Yeah, I know… and all that for just $9.99!

The “Motion Sensor Owl” is what you buy Mom when she literally has everything else in the world. Because honestly, this is the gift that’s gonna break the bank. You’ll never be able to buy another gift that will compare. The website asks, “Would you give a hoot if you saw glowing eyes peering out at you in the darkness?” Why it asks that, I have no idea. But for $7.99, who cares? Mom can put it on top of her liquor cabinet and be warned when little Billy is trying to sneak a shot.

Well, there ya go! Shopping made easy with Carol Wright Gifts, plus it won’t put a big hurt on the wallet. Enjoy all the hugs your Mom will be handing out.