10 More Epic Battles That Won’t Ever Happen… But You Wish Would

Fighting is by definition: A battle or combat; contest or struggle; an angry argument; or disagreement.

On the internet… it’s whatever the hell we want it to be.

Back for another go around, it’s 10 More Epic Battles That Won’t Ever Happen… But You Wish Would.

It’s time for Round 2 Ladies and Gentlemen, and are we in for a show tonight! We’ve got Animal vs. Animal, Hero vs. Hero, Beast vs. Beast, Spy vs. Spy, Alien vs. Alien, Soldier vs. Soldier, and for the first time Hottie vs. Hottie. So, grab some popcorn, some beer, put on some music that makes your heart race… (Gremlindog.com suggests “The Final Countdown” by Europe – link to video below)



Battle #1

Polar Bear vs. Gorilla

First and foremost allow me to say that we love animals, and the last thing we want is for them to hurt each other. But, holy shit! A polar bear going toe to toe with a gorilla! Sign us up for front row tickets. Not sure if anyone other than us watched the Golden Compass, but that movie starred a Polar Bear, and he was a badass who at one point in the movie knocked the LOWER JAW off of a rival bear! And of course, King Kong was just a giant sized Gorilla right? A giant sized gorilla that fought 3 freaking Tyrannosaurus Rexs! Game on!

The Polar Bear is the world’s largest predator found on land. Let’s go over that one more time. Largest predator found on land. Their feet alone are around 12 inches across, making them wider than the average dinner plate. Weighing in at up to 1500 pounds, this behemoth is nothing to be trifled with. Some cars don’t even weigh 1500 pounds! And the Polar Bear has to be big, he lives in one of the most inhospitable places on earth, the Arctic Circle. The Polar Bear’s diet consists mostly of seals, which it pulls out of the ocean with a paw, and bites on the head to kill.

The Gorilla can be found in a few remote areas of Africa, in jungle type settings. Gorillas are the largest of the all primates, and a male silver back gorilla can weigh as much as 600 pounds.  Due to the fact that they live primarily in warm climates, this is all muscle and bone. Couple that strength with an animal intelligent enough to use simple sign language and crude tools, the gorilla is a force to be reckoned with.  The gorilla along with the chimpanzee are human’s closest relatives and for the most part herbivores. That doesn’t mean they can’t rumble, a Gorilla in the wild will fight to the death if necessary to defend it’s pack.

So who wins, the beast with the bulk or the one with the brain. Being that the two animals live halfway across the world, we can’t really expect either to fight the other on it’s home turf which would give each an advantage. So, let’s say we bring them both together right here in America. After recovering from their flights, the animals crank up the action. Though certainly dominate on the size side, the Polar Bear has nothing on the Gorilla’s brain, besides the fact that he has a hankering for a Coca-Cola. That distraction is all it takes.

Winner: Gorilla

Battle #2

John Rambo vs. John Matrix

Muscle vs. Muscle, funny ways of talking (sure we know Arnie is from overseas, what’s Sly’s excuse?), and more guns than…well, let’s just say it’s a lot of guns. These guys both have a hankering for an ass whooping, and for the first time in both of their careers, they might finally have a match. Now, if we can just understand what the hell they’re trying to say.

John Rambo is a Green Beret and Vietnam War veteran struggling to make it in the regular world. He’s trained in survival techniques, weaponry, hand to hand combat, guerrilla warfare, and blowing shit up. Rambo, a name “inspired by force” has killed a lot of dudes. 1 (on purpose) in First Blood,  69 in Rambo II and 132 in Rambo III. In his latest trip to the theater, Rambo takes out over 236 people. Grand total of 438. How’d he manage to kill so many people? Let’s just say there was a lot of gunfire and explosions.

John Matrix claims that he eats Green Berets for breakfast. And is retired from whatever Armed Forces division he was a part of. Well trained in the use of heavy weaponry, including a M202A1 Flash, a four barrelled rocket launcher. Matrix is equally adept at hand to hand fighting and killing assholes. Commando being the only appearance by John Matrix, he didn’t waste anytime racking up the body count. Death total: 146; with 138 of those people dieing within a 4 minute time frame. Don’t mess with a man’s daughter.

The fight of the century perhaps, Rambo vs. Matrix is gonna be a ball buster. We’ve allowed both men their choice of weapons, and placed them in the middle of a huge jungle. We’ll have to wait out here for the results, because, well, none of us want to die. BOOM!…….. Okay folks, apparently the entire jungle just blown up. We can only assume that the two have killed each other. Sure, it may seem like the easy way out of finding a winner in this fight. But, do you honestly want to stick around if one of them is still alive and pissed off?

Winner: Tie

Battle #3

Ookla the Mok vs. Chewbacca the Wookie

One is a supporting star of one of the biggest film franchises of all time, the other is the partner of a barbarian on a cartoon that rivaled He-man. It’s Mok (whatever the hell that is) vs. Wookie (whatever the hell that is) in this Battle of the guys who no one understands when they talk. Wait, didn’t we just have this fight?

Ookla the Mok is a cat/monkey/man hybrid, the pure essence of who knows what. He is the muscle behind Thundarr the Barbarian, which is saying something… because Thundarr was a freakin’ barbarian. He stood taller than a man, and one can only assume that he was quite a bit stronger than the average dude. He was brave, emphatic, and compassionate. His trusty steed was an Equort, a horse and insect crossbreed. His primary weapon, other than his fists and ability to pick up and throw things, is a bow. Fun fact about Ookla the Mok, his name was based upon his creator’s favorite college, UCLA.

Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. First mate to Han Solo on the Millenium Falcon, Chewbacca is well known as a hero to the Republic for his role in aiding the Rebel Alliance in overthrowing the Empire in the Original Star Wars Trilogy. Standing a foot and shoulders taller than a man, Chewie is a master mechanic, pilot, and warrior. Is favorite weapon is a bowcaster, capable of powerful short range energy charged shots. But, he is equally as deadly with his body as a weapon.  Fun fact, Wookies are forbidden to use their claws during combat.

At one point or another, we’ve loved both of these guys. But, the time comes when you’ve got to choose sides, and that time is now. Sure, Ookla is said to be a little less than smart, and he does have a “horse.” But that horse kinda looks like it’s been hit with the ol’ ugly and stupid stick. Not to mention he’s still fighting with a bow and arrow. Chewbacca saddles up with a bowcaster and a spaceship, so he’s kindof got a leg up on the Mok. On the other hand, if you were to look at the pictures above, Chewbacca kinda looks like our grandma did that night her dog got on the table and ate part of dinner. It’s hard to get behind someone in a fight that looks like a distressed Grandma.

Winner: Ookla the Mok

Battle #4

Hydra vs. Cerberus

Two great beasts of legend get ready to tangle next. At one point in both the Cerberus and Hydra’s careers they were bested by Hercules. But, that’s not to say they wouldn’t make for a rocking fight against each other. Word is two heads are better than one, well combined these fellas bring about a hundred heads to the table. Better tell Mom to put more steaks on the grill.

The Hydra is a many headed serpent-like beast that possessed “more heads than vase painters could paint.” Although our calculators do not have that button on them, let’s suffice to say, there were a lot of heads. And each of these heads had the ability to not only grow back, but upon regrowth, double their number. This trait, with the addition of venomous blood spewing from any wounds the Hydra suffered, made it a tricky foe to defeat.

The Cerberus, the Hound of Hades, is the guard dog of Hell. His job was to ensure that the dead could enter, but never leave. You might say he was “The Hotel California.” He had the appearance of a regular dog body with three montrous heads, a tail like a serpent, and smaller serpents made up his mane. Cerberus had a taste for flesh and would attack anyone that was not in spirit form that approached the gates he guarded.

The Hydra and Cerberus were in fact brothers, each born to the monster parents Typhon and Echidna. Two monsters which may make a future appearance on the countdown. Being that they were brothers, it’s easy to picture them in the backseat of their parents car, bickering about the temperature, length of the trip to Mount Olympus, and who finished the last page in the Mad Libs book. But, also like brothers, we’re sure they got into a real scuffle occasionally. One that more than likely involved a lot of biting considering the number of heads. The fight would be a little one sided however, because only one of these two has poison blood.

Winner: The Hydra

Battle #5

She-Ra vs. Wonder Woman

Hubba hubba. We don’t remember either one of these ladies looking quite so good back in their cartoon days. But, we’re not going to argue. Apparently time has treated them both very well. But, this isn’t a fashion show girls, so take off your shirts, and let’s get to scrappin’. No? Not taking them off? Fine, just get it on then! No? Not gonna get it on either? Fine then… fight!

She-Ra, the twin sister of He-Man is from the land of Etheria. She like He-Man has a secret identity, Princess Adora. Adora was kidnapped as a baby and raised by the evil Hordak until she discovers her true identity. Upon receiving the Sword of Protection she unlocks the Power of Grayskull and becomes She-Ra, and with that power gains super strength, agility, and the ability to communicate with animals. By her side are her companions Kowl, Madame Razz, Bow, and her trusty talking steed Spirit, who can turn into Swift Wind, a flying unicorn.

Wonder Woman is a member of an all female tribe of Amazons who is sent as an ambassador to the rest of the world. She is blessed at birth by the gods, gaining the beauty of Aphrodite, the wisdom of Athena, the strength of Hercules, and the speed of Mercury. With these skills and her weapons like the Lasso of Truth and her Indestructible Bracelets. She has stood toe to toe with Superman, Captain Marvel, and the gods Ares and Hades. A standing member of the Justice League, Wonder Woman has many friends to back her up, as if she needed it.

As difficult as it is to pick sides, it’s even more difficult to find a clear cut advantage for either party. Strength, weapons, backup… each woman has it all covered. The Sword of Protection is certainly a cooler weapon then a lasso, but that same lasso has held Superman captive at one time. On the other hand, having an invisible plane to get you around town as opposed to a horse certainly has it’s benefits. Wonder Woman obviously has the better back up in a fight, but, She-Ra is next to indestructible. I think the final decision has to be made with the following question. What do you like better blonde or brunette? I for one am a fan of blondes.

Winner: She-Ra

Battle #6

Dante vs. Spawn

It’s gonna be a slobber knocker when these boys come to town. Hell on earth if you will. Son of a Demon vs. The Devil’s Spawn. You might wanna grab some holy water if you have any. And call a priest.

Dante is the son of the demon Sparda, who rebelled against the other demons and defeated the demon army. Since then, Dante has taken up his father’s mantle after his mother was killed, and makes it is job to kill and vanquish any and all demons that step in his path. He’s a mercenary who specializes in the paranormal. His tools of the trade, Ebony and Ivory two semi automatic pistols that never run out of bullets, a variety of swords, and his Devil Trigger ability. When activated, it gives him super speed, strength, stealth, flight, and regeneration.

Spawn was a CIA agent when he was killed by his boss. But, Al Simmons had a wife that he loved, and after arriving in Hell, made a deal with the devil Malebolgia to see her one more time. Becoming a hellspawn, he returned to Earth with a body comprised completely of necroplasm. This is the source of his strength, durability, and regeneration. Spawn wears a symbiotic suit that conforms to his needs and desires, forming weapons when needed, and protection even if Spawn is unconcious. Spawn also has the ability to tap into dark magic if required.

Demon killer vs. Demon creature, Dante vs. Spawn seems to be the perfect matchup. But, let’s see how it plays out. Dante has guns, Spawn has chains. Dante has swords, Spawn has a cape that can morph into a battle axe. Dante has his Demon Trigger, Spawn has magic that feeds off of evil. Dante kills demons, Spawn has killed the devil.

Winner: Spawn

Battle #7

Pirates vs. Ninjas

Oh the epic battle to end all epic battles. If there was ever two more popular classes of people, I’m not sure what they would be. Just take a look around this Halloween. Sure, there will be your Spongebob’s and your Darth Vaders… but you can almost count on 1 out of every 10 kids being a Pirate or a Ninja. And all of them will be pissed off when they receive fruit instead of candy in their bags.

Pirates have been around for as long as there have been boats and things to steal. For as long as there have been trade routes and people transporting things, there have been pirates there to jump on board and take all of the good stuff. As early as the 13th Century B.C. pirates have made their presence known. The pirate as we know him today made his impact during the age of exploration, making homes in the Caribbean where the weather was fair, and the movement of goods like sugar, spices, and other easily sold and valuable goods were moved on a regular basis. Pirates employed fast ships, cannons, guns, swords, and fear to acquire wealth.

Ninjas are warriors trained in martial arts and specializing in a type of warfare that utilized stealth and speed to complete tasks impossible for even the strongest army. This guerilla type strategy made the ninja an invaluable asset for assassination, espionage, and scouting. Ninjas played crucial roles as early as the 15th Century when Feudal Japan was in an uproar. A single ninja could find it’s way into heavily guarded areas that an entire armed force would never be able to access, and while there, pilfer knowledge, destroy stored goods, assassinate a trouble maker, and cause chaos to an enemy. The typical ninja employed dark garb, and armor called shinobi shozoku, small explosives, small katana, and of course shuriken or throwing spikes.

Though Pirates have been portrayed as fun loving and easy going sailors, life wasn’t nearly as easy as Johnny Depp made it out to be. Being on a boat for weeks or months at a time with little to nothing to eat made life difficult. Scurvy and bugs in your food made for a shitty night even if you were shitty drunk. Ninjas on the other hand were often members of a community that only donned their garb if necessary, living relatively normal lives until called upon. Sure, Pirates have cannons and guns, but if you can’t even see what you’re shooting at, they wouldn’t be much good. Odds are that a group of Ninja could board a boat full of pirates, drink their rum, kill them all, and be back on land playing a nice game of poker before any alarm could be sounded.

Winner: Ninjas

Battle #8

Mike Tyson vs. Balrog

The youngest Heavy Weight Champ in the history of boxing vs. the first boss on Street Fighter 2. We wouldn’t want to meet either of these guys in the ring, but who packs the bigger punch?

“Iron” Mike Tyson began his boxing career in the early 1980’s after a childhood that obviously prepared him for beating up others. He was ridiculed as a child for his high pitched voice and lisp, and by the age of 13 had amassed 38 arrests. We’re guessing at least 37 of those involved hitting someone in the face. A difficult past led to a desire to achieve, and Tyson found that his fists were perfectly suited to do just that. In 1984 he was considered for the Olympic boxing team and that same year he won the coveted National Golden Gloves award. He made his professional debut in 1985, and in 1986 defeated Trevor Berbick to become the Heavy Weight Champion. His signature move was a hook with the left, followed by an uppercut to the chin. He would hold on to the belt for 4 years.

Balrog made his way into the world as a pixelated portrayal of none other than Mike Tyson. As the first boss in the popular arcade game Street Fighter, Balrog stood in the path of many a gamer making their way to M. Bison. Balrog employs a variety of rush style attacks including Dashing Straight and Dashing Upper, with his signature move being the Turn Punch, which if performed correctly could easily drain up to 50% of his opponent’s health.

We’re gonna be honest here. Mike Tyson is a crazy sonofa bitch, and the Gremlindog.com crew really likes our ears. Besides, Balrog isn’t real, Mike is.

Winner: Mike Tyson

Battle #9

William Wallace vs. King Leonidas

The Scottish Patriot steps up to the King of the Spartans. A battle of want, desire, and freedom is about to begin. But, who’s more badass, who wants it more? Who has more pointy objects to stick in the soft parts of their opponents. Let’s find out.

Sir William Wallace was a Scottish Knight, landowner, and resistance leader in the late 1200’s and early 1300’s. At a time when Scotland was under constant pressure from England to submit, Wallace took up arms to ensure the freedom of his family and people. Braveheart as we know now him stormed onto the scene when he killed a local sheriff, William Heselrig for killing a young woman that Wallace had courted. He gained fame and notoriety when he routed an English army of well over 10,000 men while vastly outnumbered at the Battle of Stirling Bridge. He was a master swordsmen, and had bested many a men including Brian de Jay, master of the English Templars. Wallace was eventually captured and after being hung emasculated and eviscerated, was drawn and quartered, and had his head placed on a pike. We can only assume that during this ordeal he shouted obcenities at the English, and probably called them pig dogs.

Leonidas became the King of Sparta sometime around the year 489 B.C. He was rumored to be a direct descendant of the famed Hercules. Being raised in the country of Sparta, Leonidas was trained from a very young age in the art of warfare. In fact, Spartan children were bathed in wine to ensure they were tough enough to go on living. Training in weaponry, wrestling, and hand to hand combat became the life a young Spartan. Leonidas succeeded in being all that he could be, and eventually gathered 300 Spartans, 700 Thespian, and 400 Thebans to wage war with the entire Persian army. King Leonidas led his men outfitted in Bronze armor, spears, and short swords against an overwhelming force, and managed to inflict great casualties on the larger army, taking some 70,000 men, while only loosing 20 of their own. The Spartans eventually met defeat, and Leonidas was beheaded and crucified. Once again, we can only assume the the severed head of Leonidas mocked Xerxes and his Persians calling them shit heads or something of the like.

Two great men who fought to protect what was theirs; land, family, and freedom. We’d be hard pressed to pick a clear victor were both men on the field surrounded by men watching their backs. While both Wallace and Leonidas would be more than a match for the other individually, we can only guess that the wine soaked Leonidas would prove more than William Wallace could handle single handed. His training began at birth, and though Wallace was a hardy Scot, he did take to wearing a kilt, not bronze armor. We have a feeling this might be just the soft spot mentioned before.

Winner: King Leonidas

Battle #10

Jason Bourne vs. James Bond

Try as we might, there seemed to be few photos available that portrayed either Bourne or Bond without a gun in their hands. And while both men are equally deadly using firearms, their true skill lies in each man’s ability to handle themselves without the aid of a “weapon.”

Jason Bourne is a Green Beret, Delta Force member, and part of an Elite Special Top Secret Force known as Medusa. At least he was until he went rogue and began looking for an answer to his past. Used as an assassin, Jason had a brush with conscience, and upon aborting a mission was shot in the back causing him to loose his memory. He not only recovers it, but goes on to uncover his history all the while taking out hitman after hitman intent on taking his life. Bourne is heavily trained in the use of modern weaponry, hand to hand combat, and espionage. But, it doesn’t take a gun to kill a man, and Bourne has put the beatdown on his opposition with the use of the following: a pen, a book, a magazine, a candlestick holder, and a newspaper.

007, James Bond. The perfect spy and the perfect gentleman. With the backing of M16, James Bond has been trained in the British Royal Navy and the British Secret sService. Bond is an expert in the use of firearms, gadgetry, disguise, cover up, and espionage.  Missions for Bond have included assassination, preventing the use of a satellite weapon, destroying submarines, and protecting royalty. 007, never one to play by the rules often gets on the bad side of his employer by taking matters into his own hands to solve problems. This more often then not involves killing someone because they asked for it. Bond makes use of a number of specialty weapons in his missions which include: jet packs, mini rocket cigarettes, a laser wrist watch, pen guns, and of course the specially outfitted sports car.

Bourne vs. Bond, the battle of spies, the battle of assassins, the battle of crazy motherfuckers. Both are trained in the use of weaponry, both are trained in hand to hand, and both are able to overcome insurmountable odds. But, which agent reigns supreme. Without a doubt, Bond has the longer legacy; he’s been through more, done more, and shagged ten times the women. But, he’s in for a rude awakening. Sure, Bond might use some kind of sleep gas that expels from his bowtie to put Bourne down, however, when he goes to order a martini… you better bet Bourne will be there to break the glass over the bar and shove it in Bond’s ear.

Winner: Jason Bourne

Bonus Battle

Strawberry Shortcake vs. Rainbow Brite

You asked for it, and we deliver. The first ever battle of the girly cartoon characters. But, we’ll be honest. The fight really doesn’t have a lot going for it right off. Strawberry Shortcake makes excellent desserts, and Rainbow Brite is skilled in the formation of colorful things…um. We apologize, but, we’re going to have to stop this one. It’s just that we don’t think this is going to cut it. So, we’ve taken the liberty to spice things up a bit. And by spice things up, we mean more boobs, more legs, and more ass.

Sexy Strawberry Shortcake vs. Sexy Rainbow Brite

Sorry, we can’t quit staring… Both women are well equipped to win this fight, but it’s a matter of two things as far as we’re concerned. First of all, who’s got the better rack, and who’s got the better butt. I think it’s easy to pick a winner here.

Winner: All of Us

Once again, your opinions matter! Please let me know what you think about the match ups, the outcomes, and about future battles you would like to see.

10 Epic Battles That Will Never Happen But You Wish Would

We love to watch fighting. It’s in our blood to enjoy a battle between two foes. Just this past Saturday night I was torn between not one, but two television shows featuring men beating up other men. Sunday night, friends and I paid money to watch guys beat up other guys on a pay-per-view. And then the night before last, I watched a movie 2 1/2 hours long with dudes fighting and killing dudes to stay alive.

Wars and violence have plagued man kind since the day the first cave man hit another cave man with a stick for checking out “his hoe”. And fighting will most likely continue until it kills us all in some nuclear holocaust. However, in life there’s going to be some brawls that we never get the pleasure to see. Not because they’re too epic to conceive, but because the fighters would never actually have the chance to meet in the real world… and because no one likes us.

But, what if.  What if God smiled down upon us for just a moment, and made our wildest dreams come true. Not those dreams perv, the dreams of our childhood, where we pitted Ninja Turtles vs. Wrestlers and Lego Men vs. Our Dog.

Today, I present to you the Top 10 Epic Battles That Will Never Happen But You Wish Would.


Battle #1

We’ll start with one that could happen at some zoos across the world on a daily basis, if it weren’t for the damned cages and fences and animal rights activists.

The Kodiak Bear vs. The Great White Shark

Right off the bat I realize we have a problem with this fight. Where is it going to take place? Put the fight on land and the Kodiak obviously has the upper hand being that he can walk and all, and then on the flip side, put the bear in the ocean, and the Great White would swim circles around him. I suppose that leaves us with only one choice… the air. We’ll equip each of the beasts with jetpacks and have them fight in the air.

The Kodiak Bear will max out as an adult around 13 ft in length and can weigh up to 2000 lbs on a good diet. However, a more average weight throughout the year for a full grown male is 1200 lbs. The Kodiak feeds off of fish, carrion, roots, and berries. But don’t let it’s diet fool you, the Kodiak is not a push over. Able to run as fast as a Thoroughbred Horse and strong enough to knock the face right off of anyone stupid enough to mess with it, this bear knows how to tussle. An adult has no natural enemies, and it’s easy to see why.

The Great White Shark can reach lengths of 20 feet and can weigh more than 5000 lbs, though a more typical shark will be around 15 feet long and in the 1500 lb range. Two rows of razor sharp serrated teeth make the Great White’s massive jaws much like saws to tear away at the flesh of it’s victims. Those victims include seals, whales, fish, and even sea turtles. Able to smell blood miles away and able to eat and kill just about anything it wants to in the ocean, the Great White is considered an Apex Carnivore, with only Humans as enemies. Which is silly, because humans are pussies.

It’s Omnivore vs. Carnivore as Bear meets Shark. Who wins? Well, I was really pulling for the bear right up until the point where I found out that it eats berries. Sure it eats fish too, but sharks don’t even know what a vegetable is, let alone what one would taste like. The shark is a hunter, through and through. The bear, sleeps a lot and steals pickanick baskets from campers.

Winner: The Great White Shark


Battle #2

Our next fight combines the old with the new. A classic vs. a new standard. And I swear, it would be sweet.

Bruce Lee vs. Ryu

Oh snap son, it’s about to get ugly in here! On the left you have a man who made martial arts popular and on the right, you have reason I don’t speak to my cousin anymore. You see, back when I was 11, I received a Super Nintendo for Christmas, and along with it, the Street Fighter 2 game. My cousin and I high-fived each other and ran to hook it up. We picked up our controllers, and as I started to pick a player, he picked him first. Ryu. “Just be Ken” he said, “They’re the exact same.” Oh no, actually they aren’t. I don’t want that blonde headed sissy boy. I want Ryu. And then we had a street fight of our own. No one really speaks of the Christmas of ’91 around our house anymore.

Bruce Lee is a martial arts god. But, he was more than that, he literally was a cultural icon. He starred in movies along side people that were famous and made the western side of the world open it’s eyes to a whole new interest in Chinese martial arts. He taught and mastered many art forms including Jujitsu, Jeet Kune Do, even developing his own called, Jun Fan Gung Fu which literally means “Bruce’s Gung Fu.”  A great actor and philosopher, and basically a bad ass. His signature move was the “One Inch Punch” where Bruce would stand casually in front of his sparring partner, right arm extended to within one inch of his chest, and without retracting his arm delivered a punch sending the opponent to the ground, crying like a little girl.

Ryu has been in fighting games on some level for over 18 years. Trained in a nameless martial arts style which pulls the most powerful skills from many different styles Ryu is versatile. Combine these basic fundamental skills with the powerful Shun Goku Satsu which allows him to focus his energies into powerful attacks such as the Shoryuken. His signature move is the Dragon Punch which starts with Ryu crouching in front of his opponent, jumping into the air, and delivering an uppercut which blazes across the opposition’s chest and impacting the chin.

Considering the differences, I think both of these opponents are fairly even. Of course, Bruce Lee is master of many arts, whereas Ryu is essentially a master of none. I think it’s fair to say that Bruce has an upper hand. Both starred in movies, both have video games, but only Ryu has a fireball that he can shoot out of his hands. Bruce Lee however, is the only one of the two to have his own martial arts style named after him.

Winner: Bruce Lee


Battle #3

Next up is a battle of might and muscle. Two men, one talent… being ridiculously strong.

Hercules vs. Samson

One man is the son of a god and the other derived his power from God. Both men are super strong and killed beasts just to prove it. And oddly enough, it looks like they both had their portraits done by the same artist.

Hercules is the son of Zeus and a mortal woman so he is what’s called a demi-god. Known for his incredible strength and courage Hercules braved many foes. Allow me to list just a few. He killed the multi-headed Hydra, he slew the giant Antaeus by bear hugging him, spent a year rounding up a herd of cattle, and killed a fire breathing dude named Cacus by “gripping so tightly that his eyes popped out and there was no blood left in his throat.” Hercules was hard core. No doubt. But, he wasn’t just a fighter, Hercules was a lover too. Not only did he kill hundreds upon hundreds of people and beasts. But he probably screwed just as many. And by screwed I mean, had lots of sex with.

Samson was granted his strength by his belief in the Lord. Through his faith he accomplished tasks that would blow your mind. But, it was all on one condition… that he didn’t shave or cut his hair. No problem. Here goes Samson, on a quest to be awesome he fights a Lion and whips it’s ass. Samson gets mad at a man who won’t let him date his daughter and ties torches to the tails of 300 foxes, these foxes scattered and burned the crops. Of course this upsets everyone and Samson fights 1000 Philistines with only the use of the jawbone of an ass killing them all dead. But, as perfect as this story is going for Samson, it’s not all glory and fist bumps. Samson is eventually seduced, and has his hair cut off and power taken away by a woman. Don’t worry though, Samson gets even after his hair grows back and pushes over a temple killing a bunch more people and ruining their Mary Kay party.

At first glance I’m sure you’re thinking… pfft, Samson didn’t kill any cool monsters. No, no he didn’t. And sure, he wasn’t the son of a god. But, here’s the clincher. Remember all of those people Hercules was gettin it on with? Well, about half of those people were guys. Yeah, the book Eroticos says that Hercules’ eromenoi (male lovers) were “beyond counting.” Sure Samson lost his strength but at least it was because of a woman! We’re not havin’ no penis lovin’ winners in these battles!

Winner: Samson


Battle #4

A twist of fate brings our next two combatants to battle. It’s not very often you find two dudes that are so awesome, and are actually just one dude. The same dude.

Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones

Oh boy. Where do we start. Harrison Ford you’ve made many a fanboy giddy with joy whether it be shooting a blaster or hanging with a giant teddy bear, or cracking a whip and cracking a joke. But, which of you would win a fight?

Han Solo is a smuggler who teams up with the Rebels in the Original Trilogy of Star Wars. Along side Chewbacca, his Wookie co-pilot he offers aid in defeating the Evil Empire. Han is a master pilot and his ship the Millenium Falcon is one of the fastest in the galaxy. He’s faced Storm Troopers, Bounty Hunters, and Hutts using his wit, charm, and intelect to save the day and get the girl.

Indiana Jones is a Professor of Archeology with his Doctorate. A master puzzle solver, and bull whip user Indiana does things that no teacher of mine ever did except for that one History of Bullwhipping Class I took at the community college. Among his achievements; discovering the Ark of the Covenant, finding the Holy Grail, and the Skull of an Alien. All the while avoiding confrontation with his only fear, snakes. Indy has fought off Nazis, Arabs, and most recently Aliens using his wit, charm, and intelect to save the day and get the girl.

How can you choose a winner? Both of these men are winners in my book. Great action, great outfits, both picked up hot chicks. It’d be like trying to pick a winner between Rocky and Rambo, it’s just not right, and I’m not gonna do it. (Rambo would kill Rocky by the way… c’mon he has guns!)

Winner: George Lucas


Battle #5

There’s about a hundred awesome robots out there that I would love to see fight each other. Johnny 5 from Short Circuit vs. Optimus Prime from the Autobots or the Arnold version Terminator  vs. A Teddy Ruxpin Doll. But the following two robots rocked our faces as kids, and they’ll still rock them even today.

Voltron vs. Gundam

Pew Pew Pew, BOOM! Dude, I can barely type I’m so psyched about this battle. Two giant robots, one battlefield full of badassery.

Voltron brings together the power of 5 Giant Robot Lions controlled by 5 kids. Kinda far fetched, sure, but not so much as the fact that this robot was apparently one giant robot in the past that was separated and sent away. Long story short, the pieces were rounded up and they protect the planet of Arus from the evil King Zarkon. Standing over 190 feet tall, Voltron is a huge freaking robot with the ability to shoot lazers from his eyes, fire boomerangs from his chest, flames from hands, and create a “Blazing Sword” with which he smites his enemies.

Gundam is one solid robot that was designed to fight wars in space. More of a mech suit then a sentient being, the Gundam is controlled by a pilot who uses the suit to fight wars that revolve around “current event” type settings; political dissagreements, who drink the last beer, etc. Gundam Suits stood about 57 feet tall and came in many different forms depending on the need. Offensively, the Gundam sports large multi-barreled cannons concealed beneath the blue pods on either arm in addition to a pair of small Vulcan guns mounted on the head and the ubiquitous backpack-stored beam sabers.

When I first picked these two guys out it was based solely on their appearance and the incredible cartoons they starred in. After doing this research I found that the Gundam gave up over over 140 feet in height. So there’s a disadvantage. Although Voltron is bigger he would also be more cumbersome and slower, so the Gundam would be faster.  Of course, Gundam can’t turn into 5 Lions either, so it’s shit out of luck on the coolness scale.

Winner: Voltron


Battle #6

Also in the world of giants comes the following two monsters. Gather in the kids ma, this one’s gonna be a doozie!

Godzilla vs. The Balrog

One of these guys made a living chasing around Japanese people and basically being a dick, the other made a living chasing around Hobbits and pretty much being a douche. Going head to head, who’s the bigger pain in the ass?

Godzilla came on the scene in 1954 rising from the waters surrounding Japan to destroy things. He stands at well over 100 feet tall and is a cross between a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a Stegosaurus. His main powers stem from atomic energy, and his main weapon “Atomic Breath” is the build up of energy inside himself released from the mouth, kindof like my wife’s gas. The ridges on Godzilla’s back glow when he’s ready to fire. He’s bested many a giant monster in his day including Mothra, King Kong, and Ghidorah.

The Balrog is a monster from Middle Earth and actually has close ties to Gandalf, Saruman, and Sauron. They’re all from the same order, and the Balrogs where the ones that were corrupted and changed the most by evil. The size of the Balrog depends on it’s needs. If it wants to fit through a doorway it can, but on the flip side can rise up to a great height to change a light bulb or to impose fear upon it’s enemies. Using a sword and whip made of flame, it’s a foe not to be trifled with whether elf, wizard, or dwarf. It’s said that only dragons rivaled them in power.

We’re not gonna beat around the bush here. The Balrog and Godzilla are not even on the same playing field. Godzilla has tackled monster after monster, and I’m sure plenty of them said something along the lines of “You shall not pass!” in their own garbled monster language. Did Godzilla listen? No, he slapped ’em around a bit and then blew toxic belches at them. The Balrog on the other hand was told “You shall not pass!” by a little wizard man, and he listened. He didn’t pass at all. He fell. Into a hole. And got laughed at. By hobbits.

Winner: Godzilla


Battle #7

Traveling back in time would be so sweet, and if any of us had a choice we’d probably do it. And if any of us had a time machine, we’d probably be looking in the manual to find out how to set it to go back to “Dinosaur Times” or “That one time in college.”

Velociraptor vs. Smilodon

We’ve already seen T-Rex vs. Raptor in Jurassic Park, and sure, I’d love to do a rematch of that. But, it’s been done. This hasn’t. Reptile vs. Mammal. Cat vs. Lizard.

Velociraptor popped onto Earth during the late Cretaceous Period and immediately started killing things just to prove it had the biggest balls. Don’t let the movies fool you however, the Raptors weren’t big boys at all. In fact they were just under 7 feet in length including tail, and weighed just under 40 lbs. But, that’s 40 lbs of mean and nasty. It’s primary weapons are on it’s feet in the form of 2 1/2 inch claws that are sickle shaped. These claws were razor sharp and could deliver a fatal blow to prey in one swift kick.

The Smilodon, or Sabre Toothed Tiger as it’s more widely known debuted around 2.5 million years ago in North and South America. Weighing in around 500-600 lbs on a good day, the Smilodon preyed upon mammoths and starred in movies including 10,000 B.C. Many believe that it hunted in packs and upon wrestling prey to the ground would deliver a killing blow to the jugular with teeth that could be as long as 7 inches.

Once again, I’m surprised at the size difference of our combatants. Smilodon outweighes Velociraptor by more than 550 lbs on average. Considering the fact that both animals normally run in packs, I don’t see this fight ever coming about. Now, if both of our fighters were at a bar perhaps, and have had a few too many drinks… Raptor gets in Smilodon’s face about politics and Smilodon calls his mom a whore… Raptor throws his cigarette in Smilodon’s drink and Smilodon goes for the bite to the jugular…

Winner: Smilodon


Battle #8

Up until now it’s been battles between individuals, and after looking at our last fight I thought about how much different it would be if the battles were instead fought by groups of people. Crazy people with swords and axes and shit.

Vikings vs. Samurai

One group of warriors has a football team named after them and the other has a small Suzuki SUV named after them. Yeah, this battle is a little one side already.

The Viking is a combination of many types of people from Scandinavian backround. They were a cross between warriors, explorers, and pirates. Hailing from Russia, Norway, Sweden, Iceland, and other cold shitty places the Vikings set out to find and take what wasn’t theirs just to have sex with it. Primary weapons included axes, fire, swords, fire, maces, fire, and more fire. Vikings originated naval warfare before anyone else in the world. That’s what made them so deadly. That and the fire. At one point Vikings under leaders such as Erik the Red and Leif Eriksson held control over most of Europe.

Samurai were the military nobility of pre-industrial Japan. There was no higher honor or duty then being a Samurai. During feudal Japan hundreds of thousands of Samurai fought for power, at one point an army of 160,000 was assembled to invade neighboring China. At the time, the next largest force by comparison was in Spain, they had only 30,000, and they were all sissies. Using katana and bows as their primary weapons until firearms were introduced in the mid 1500’s the samurai didn’t play around.

Ring the Bell! The Vikings have just burned all the Samurai and pissed in their cereal. This fight is over!

Winner: Vikings


Battle #9

Swords are the coolest thing around. No doubt about it. These guys know swords. And how to show a little too much skin.

He-man vs. Lion-O

Like two peas in a pod, I present to you a couple of the most popular characters from the 80’s. Both of these guys have cool friends, with the exception of Orko and Snarff, and both have evil enemies. And they’re about to kick each other’s teeth in.

He-Man, the “Most Powerful Man in the Universe” is in reality (*spoiler alert*) Prince Adam of Eternia. He garners his ability from Castle Grayskull, and to call upon that power he must raise his Power Sword above his head and shout “By the power of Grayskull… I have the power!” . Power was a recurring theme apparently in the eighties. On his side are his allies Man-At-Arms, Teela, Ram Man, and Battle Cat just to name a few. His claim at being the “Most Powerful Man in the Universe” shouldn’t be questioned, he’s traded blows with Superman at one point, and has even “picked up and thrown Castle Grayskull into another dimension.” That’s right, he picked up a fucking castle, and threw it… into another dimension.

Lion-O and his friends come from the dieing world of Thundera. Lion-O is the leader and hereditary Lord of the Thundercats and wields the power of the Sword of Omens, which has the Eye of Thundera imbedded in it’s hilt. This eye allows Lion-O to see across long distances. His Claw Shield acts as a defensive tool, and also contains grappling lines. On Lion-O’s side are his friends and protectors Jaga, Tygra, Panthro, Cheetara, Wilykat, Wilykit, and Snarf. Lion-O has learned to use the Anointment Trials which allow for greater speed, strength, and wisdom. He also has the ability to control all cats, which means that he’s to blame for the LOLcats website. Please send hate mail to lion-o@thundera.com.

This is a close one, without a doubt these two guys are on virtually the same plane. Swords, friends, powers, and revealing outfits. I love them both, and to be honest if picking one of these two guys to be a winner is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right. Screw that, Lion-O is always Lion-O, no changing, no I need to shout things to get powerful bullshit, and besides… Lion-O could always just control Battle Cat and tell him to throw up hair balls all over He-Man’s bed.

Winner: Lion-O


Battle #10

Sneaky dudes in black outfits are badass. If those same dudes are ninjas, even better. If those same dudes also have cool gear and can kick your head in 6 different ways, you’re going to be doing backflips. Or wait, maybe it’s them that’ll be doing the backflips and you’ll be the guy who just got laid out and your shoes knocked off.

Batman vs. Snake Eyes

I need to go write this movie right freaking now. This idea is about as unbelievable as any I’ve ever had, and I invented Post It Notes. Who’ll prevail?

Batman is the Dark Knight, the secret identity of billionaire Bruce Wayne. He is an icon of super heroes. He’s gone toe to toe with Superman and lived. He’s got a rogues gallery full of crazy lunatics that are all out to kill him and he lives. Sure, he’s got a few tools up his sleeves to aid him in the process. You wouldn’t expect a guy like him to just walk into a fight empty handed. Oh no. Batarangs, Batmobiles, Batplanes, Batboats, Batcycles, etc. At one point Batman even used a Bat-Shark repellent. He’s a trained martial artist, expert detective, and he’s an excellent cook. Nah, he doesn’t cook. But, he did become Batman because he saw his parents killed and then fell into a well. So, he’s probably got “crazy” on his resume.

Snake Eyes, which as far as I know is probably just a code name for Snake Eyes was in Vietnam when he met up with his soon to be mortal enemy Storm Shadow. Storm Shadow saved Snake Eyes during the war, and eventually trained in the ninja arts with him under the same clan leader. A skilled ninja, swordsmen, marksmen, and all around bad sonofa bitch Snake Eyes has fought Cobra and The Decepticons alongside his fellow Joes. Never one to speak much, he says everything he needs to say with a sword and a machine gun. Although if he were to speak, I’d imagine his vocabulary would include a lot of “you’re going to die” and “you’re already dead” and “I slept with your girlfriend”.

Now, it seems as if both men have beat up robots at some point in his career so there’s a tie. Both men are trained ninjas, so tie there as well. Both are masked, so that’s cool. Both have cool vehicles, though not all of Snake Eyes’ rides are named after him. Snake Eyes does carry a gun, so that might give him the upper hand were it not for the fact that Batman’s armor is for the most part bullet proof. Of course, Batman just might have a Bat-Snake Eyes Repellent on that utility belt. So, that’d kind ruin your day if you were named Snake Eyes. I love them both, but this fight is in the books.

Winner: Batman


There’s probably hundreds of battles that would make any fan boy or scientist wet his pants, and if you have any ideas you’d like to read about, please pass them along. Or if you disagree with a choice, post and tell me why. I’ll ignore you and call you a bastard, but please, pass along the tips.

As for me, I’m gonna go start writing the movie that is gonna make me millions. “Batman and Snake Eyes vs. A Bunch of Vikings riding on the back of Smilodons and Sharks.”