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Ah… Pro Athletes. What we wouldn’t give to be one. All the money, all the fame, all the sweet sports cars and giant houses. All of the babes trying to grab our junk.

But, our moms say we have no talent. That and we don’t have the right “look.”

Neither do these guys mom, but they still made it!

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#1 – Troy Polamalu

Don’t get us wrong. Troy is one hell of a football player. But, he doesn’t exactly put off that, “Hey, I’m a jock, where’s the weight room?” look that we would associate with a true Man’s Man Pro Athlete. He looks more like…

Cher. Yeah, that Cher hair just can’t be missed.

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#2 – Yao Ming

Yao Ming is huge. He doesn’t even have to jump to dunk… or to touch the moon.  We would imagine they sent this guy to America so he’d stop scaring the kids in his home country. He’s Godzilla big. Ming is like a giraffe on stilts… wearing a big hat.

Sure, the above picture has things mixed up a little… the giraffe has no hat, and the lion is the one on stilts. But, you can’t deny the fact that it’s hilarious. And the direct result of searching “giraffe on stilts + hat.”

We like this guy. He’s a great ball player, and he is in a funny commercial where he demands that there’s a full sized whole banana in each bottle of the flavored water. That doesn’t sway the fact that he looks like…

I know what you’re thinking… we just put another picture of Steve Nash here. But, you’re wrong. That’s James Blunt. And Steve Nash looks like him.

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#4 – Randy Johnson

Odds are Randy Johnson is a really nice guy. We almost feel bad for even including him on this list. But that doesn’t change the fact that he looks more like a Huge Redneck than a Pro Athlete.

“No, I don’t want to play baseball today… I’m busy.”

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#5 – Sam Cassell

Sam… why are you on this list?

Oh.

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#6 – Kyle Orton

Kyle Orton, shave your beard. Kyle Orton, wake up. Kyle Orton, stop looking like a stoned college student.

“Has anyone seen my sock tobogan?”

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#7 – Dirk Nowitzki

Dirk… what kindof name is that anyway? “I’m Dirk from Dallas. LET’S ROCK!” Dirk looks more like a rock star than a Pro Athlete. Throw some paint on his face, a guitar in his hands, put him on stage…

And also make him wear silly outfits and platform boots.

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#8 – Joakim Noah

This poor fella. Seriously, Joakim Noah may be a great basketball player, but even that only goes so far. He’s just a plain ugly dude. And he looks like one of the Beagle Boys from Ducktales.

Put a big unruly head of hair on the tall one that’s standing in the back left, and you’ve got a twin.

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#9 – Andre Agassi

Sure, he may have cleaned up his act, and cut his hair, and started doing camera commercials, but not always. He used to be married to Brooke Shields and looked like a moron. Or one of the Rockers from the WWF.

“What’s up ladies?”

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#10 – Larry Bird

We intentionally saved Larry Bird for last, because out of all these people, he’s the most god-like. The things he did on the basketball court, and the epic battles between him and Michael Jordan will forever live in history. But, he still looks like someone’s Aunt who lives in England.

Anyone up for a cup of tea? Or a game of basketball? Or both?

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Honorable Mention – Don Mossi

Yep, he played Professional Baseball. And you get paid to do whatever it is you do. How’s that for a kick in the balls?

You know guys have it pretty damn rough when it comes to Halloween. We have about 3 options for costumes.

#1 Something Scary

#2 Something Funny

#3 Something Cool from Pop Culture

The first option is pretty self explanatory; ghosts, zombies, monsters. The second option is also easy to get, take a joke and run with it; black eyed pea, pimp, or fat stripper. But the third option is where we run into some snags.

As a kid, Halloween was our opportunity to be something we couldn’t be in real life, if only for one night. And you know what, we ran with it. If we wanted to be He-Man, we were He-Man. But, as adults, the expectations change. It didn’t matter as kids, because no one had a good memory, and we were all focused on the candy anyway. But, as adults, our cred is on the line, and if you wear the wrong Halloween costume, you’re done for. Forget dating, forget that cool new job, forget friends!

Below, The 15 Most Pathetic Excuses For Pop Culture Halloween Costumes. Long story short, don’t try any of these!

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1.) Optimus Prime – Huge movie and even bigger cartoon series. Optimus Prime and the other Transformers were more than meets the eye, not you though, you’re obviously gonna be a dipshit in this.

2.) Batman – It’s going to be one of the hottest outfits this Halloween, like it has been for 20 years or so…and it will still suck. You might make the excuse that you’re classic Batman; no one will buy it.

3.) The Joker – Our prediction is that 2 out of every 5 people this Halloween will attempt to be The Joker…key word, attempt. Unless you’re paying someone to do your make up, you’re just a clown.

4.) Capt. Jack Sparrow – This isn’t just a pirate outfit, it’s the official Jack Sparrow pirate outfit.  Unless you are Johnny Depp, just stick with plain ol’ pirate.

5.) Hulk – Now we finally know the reason the Hulk is so pissed off, he has the worst Halloween costume on the planet. And flesh colored hands and feet.

6.) Spider-man – We love the movies, we love the comics, but you couldn’t pay us enough to wear this outfit out of the house. Looks more like pajamas.

7.) Darth Vader – The outfit as a whole really isn’t that bad, but there’s two big problems. First Darth had gloves, and second he didn’t ever wear casual slacks and wingtips.

8.) King Leonidas – If you don’t have the muscles, please don’t try and be a Spartan for Halloween, fake ones don’t count. It doesn’t matter how “real” it looks.

9.) Aragorn – Oh, that’s a really awesome Frodo Baggins Hobbit outfit! Wait… oh you’re Aragorn, didn’t he have a bigger sword?

10.) Shrek – That confused look on Shrek’s face? He just can’t believe someone could look like such an incredible huge jackass.

11.) Stewie Griffin – One of the funniest characters on television, Stewie brings laughter into the homes of millions. You’ll also cause laughter, but it’ll be because people will make fun of you.

12.) Eric Cartman – The biggest little potty mouth in South Park has his own Halloween costume. If you wear it, you’ll literally be the sand in the vagina of any party you go to.

13.) Lucky the Leprachaun – This costume comes complete with the Charms you’ll find in Lucky’s cereal. You’ll need each and everyone if you hope to be lucky enough not to get eggs thrown at you.

14.) Fred Flintstone – He’s been in cartoons and movies, he has his own cereal and vitamins, Fred Flintstone has it all, including a ridiculous Halloween outfit modeled after him.

15.) Master Chief – One can only guess at the amount of carnage Master Chief would inflict on the world were he to see this costume. You’ll probably have to settle for the wedgie your buddies will give you.

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Well, you’ve been warned. If you value your life as you know it, avoid these and the other ridiculous costumes on sale this Halloween, and go for something more traditional.

Also, be sure to share your crazy Halloween costume/party/experience stories in the comment section!

If I can offer one piece of advice to the 5 of you reading my post, it’s this gem: Don’t get into the sales business. Please, I know you’re thinking, “You know what would be fun, selling something!” Well, guess what Jimmy, you’re wrong! Selling things is about as much fun as watching your dog choke on a rawhide. Sure it’s humorous because your dog is making funny faces… but it sucks when the rawhide is spit up with all the snot and saliva coated around it and lands on your jeans that you JUST FREAKING BOUGHT!

I’m serious though, screw selling things. Today, there’s a phone call:
“Hello Pool Store, how can I help you?” I ask lightheartedly.
“How much is ya’lls cheapest inground pool?” The delightful country bumpkin asks from her bedazzled with rhinestones Razr.(this has yet to be proven, but I will update upon further investigation)

Artist’s Conceptual Image

“Well,” I say “That all depends on what type of pool you’re wanting to buy.”
“I said inground…”
“So you did. Well let me check my price book…ah, here it is $100,000.00″
“Thanks!” She answers, not missing a beat, nor a puff of her Marlboro Red.(this has yet to be proven, but I will update upon further investigation)

(Police Sketch Artist Image Based on Description)

“You are a moron!” I say under my breath.
“What?!”
“I said ‘You are welcome!’”

Selling things is for the birds.