The Hilarious History of Our Favorite Gestures

A History Of Gestures
Sorry, it’s true, you’re dad wasn’t the first person to ever flip someone the bird. And your mom wasn’t the first to throw up a peace sign. The high five? Around long before you gave one to your buddy who scored with that ugly chick.
So what’s the history behind our favorite gestures?


The Middle Finger
People Who Use It: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, George W. Bush, Anyone Who Drives

The finger, the bird, the universal symbol for saying “Fuck You” finds its roots in the most unlikely place. Ancient Greek Literature namely The Grecian Comedy “The Clouds” by Aristophanes. According to the book “Gestures and Their Origins” there are several occurrences in this play where one character extends his longest finger in the direction of a woman (or man, crazy Greeks); a motion that was meant to convey a desire to fornicate.

The phallic thrusting movement that “flipping the bird” is based on was most likely contrived from monkeys and apes. You see monkeys and apes, the classy fellas they are, enjoy thrusting their penises at potential mates. This is similar to the way men point their boners at women now.

But how did something as nice as a proposition for sex turn into something so negative? Well, remember that dick-waving chimpanzee? He also used his penis against competition, and by showing how large it was made his opponents feel inferior. One thing led to another, and eventually digitus impudicus (the indecent finger) had become mankind’s way of flopping his junk around without actually flopping his junk around.

The Peace Sign
People Who Use It: Winston Churchill, Richard Nixon, Hippies

The Peace sign had nothing to do with peace at all at its conception. Unless you consider peace fighting in a war. Legend has it that the French Military, who apparently didn’t used to suck, would cut off the fingers of opponent’s archers so they would be unable to draw a bow. Those who were still able to pull a bow string would flaunt their intact fingers, presumably right before they shot people with arrows right in the face.

However, it’s Winston Churchill who lays claim to the more recent use of the Peace Sign, way back when it was called the Victory Sign. You might say that the good guys were looking for a slogan to stand behind and repeat over and over like that old Ace of Base song “I Saw The Sign.” V for Victory was the “theme song” they came up with for the Allies during World War II.

The Peace Sign would later be used by another world leader, Richard Nixon as he exited office and boarded Air Force One. Perhaps as a joke that no one got, since he wasn’t exactly victorious at anything but doing shitty political things and being the only President to ever resign. But, the Hippies of the sixties and seventies are who we can thank for the Peace Sign we know and love today. It’s probably because they were totally wasted all of the time but they adopted the Victory Sign to use as a protest symbol during the Vietnam War. This would kinda be the equivalent of eating a Big Mac to boycott fatty foods.

Devil Horns
People Who Use It: The Beatles, Ronnie James Dio, Texas Longhorns Fans

The Horns gesture is often referred to as a sign of the devil, or the “horned god” of pagan religion. Possibly derived from the shape of a goat’s head, an animal often associated with Satan. The first use of the gesture was said to be in the middle ages as a way to ward off evil.

The gesture is also used to convey infidelity by holding it up behind another’s head. Sort of like the bunny ears assholes put over their friends heads in every picture they ever take. The gesture is especially popular in Italy where the Horns label them as a “cuckold” or unfaithful person. Perhaps to show that they are the devil because they cheated. We can only guess at what John Lennon intended by having the gesture featured on the cover of The Beatle’s “Yellow Submarine” album.

The gesture made its way into the world of rock with the help of Ronnie James Dio of Black Sabbath fame. Though he his quoted as saying he doesn’t feel he is the first to use the Horns, he must be pretty damned proud of the gesture. Because every single picture of him on the internet features him posing and throwing up devil horns.

You’ll also spot the Horns at sporting events for the University of Texas Longhorns and the University of South Florida Bulls though it’s still to be determined if it’s just a stadium full of people pointing out cheaters and Satanists or actual fans of the teams.

The Shaka
People Who Use It: Frank Fasi, Ronaldinho, Surfers

You might consider it the international sign for “hang loose” but the Shaka Sign is so much more. It also means, “all right” “cool” and “smooth.” The history behind the gesture is actually a rather sad story. According to the Polynesian Cultural Center the first man to use the Shaka Sign was Kalili Hamana a man who worked at a Sugar Mill. While there he lost his three middle fingers. His “all clear” hand signal, which obviously wasn’t used pre-accident, developed into what we now know as the Shaka. Ironically the Shaka Sign was developed by a guy that couldn’t do anything with his hands other than make the Shaka Sign… talk about irony.

Former Honolulu Mayor Frank Fasi picked up the hand gesture and used it in two campaigns and gave the Shaka some publicity. Senator Barack Obama, possibly following in Fasi’s example has even used the gesture in his own “I’m Younger and So Much Cooler Than McCain” campaign.

World famous soccer player Ronalinho has given the Shaka new life throwing it up when celebrating. Note we said “celebrating” and not making a goal. If it was just scoring he’d only get to do it like once a week because it takes forever to score in a soccer game. And we bet he likes to use the Shaka Sign a lot more than that. Other places you might find the Shaka are anywhere there’s a surfer, and anywhere there is a tourist with a camera and a palm tree within 50 feet.

Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down
People Who Use It: Roman Emperors, Siskel & Ebert, Hitchhikers

The Thumbs Up or Down gesture or pollice verso was given birth in the coliseums of Rome. At the end of a fight of gladiators, one would stand victorious… it was up to the people to decide whether or not the loser would live or die. Thumbs Up and the competitor would live; Thumbs Down and he lost his life. Unless the winner was Russell Crowe, and he’d eff the whole thing up for everyone.

Approval and disapproval is the name of the game in a thumb gesture, and the gesture was eventually picked up by Siskel & Ebert, two guys who made a living watching movies and telling people what they thought about it for about 40 years. A job that we bet would totally rock if you weren’t Siskel and had to spend all of your time with Ebert, the weirdest looking dude on the planet.

The Thumbs Up is also widely recognized as a symbol of needing a lift. Head down any highway and you’re bound to see hitchhikers. They will stand on the side of the road with their arm extended and thumb up until some nice person gives them a ride. And by “gives” we mean “exchanges for oral sex.”


Well, there you go. What’s your favorite gesture to use? Tell us about it in the Comments Section!

The Fist Bump

Per request of a colleague I have been asked to delve into one of the great new mysteries of the age in which we live. Since this associate is also a friend, I endeavor to meet his expectations and come up with the most detailed and accurate description that Wikipedia could ever want to post on their website.

Today, we discover the history and meaning of…

The Fist Bump.

Don’t be alarmed. Your computer screen is not trying to hit you again. But you should be aware of what it means when you see a fist coming your way. Especially if the fist is coming from someone you didn’t cut off in traffic or slept with and never called.

Some say the Fist Bump is the new High Five, and I want to say… Shut your mouth. There is nothing that will EVER replace the High Five on the cool meter.

Look at that shit. Absolutely beautiful. Did you know that both of the guys in that picture won the lottery after the high five. That’s how awesome the High Five is. The High Five makes things happen to you and your friends that you want to High Five each other about.

But, I digress, this isn’t about the High Five, this is about the phenomenon known as the Fist Bump. The Fist Bump recently became the center of media attention surpassing both “Britney Spears” and “Why There Isn’t a Pack of Skittles With Just Reds ‘Cause No One Even Likes the Yellow or Green.” It happened when Barack Obama and his wife Fist Bumped on National television at the Democratic National Convention.

“Word bitch.”

You may have seen Michelle Obama also doing this on “The View” or at a political rally because it’s the democratic thing now. Apparently they’re calling it “America’s Handshake”, a statement which made John McCain make this face.

Not the first time the Fist Bump has been noticed though. Oh no, the Fist Bump has even made it to the big screen recently. Check out this pic from the movie “Talladegga Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.”

With all the attention the Fist Bump has gotten, one just has to wonder where it came from. What is the history behind the Bump? Questions need to be answered, and I’m going to do just that.

Rumor has it that the Fist Bump actually originated when Michael Jordan was playing for the Bulls. Apparently he would always put talcum powder on his hands to ensure proper grip of the basketball. Obviously that worked. Jordan led the Bulls to 6 NBA Championships and won Gold in the Olympics twice. Of course, Jordan wouldn’t want to share any of this talcum powder or “Magic Dust” he had, so apparently instead of shaking hands with the other players before the game, he balled up his fist and hit them in the face. Nah, I’m kidding… he hit their hands.

“Hey Jason. You’re pretty funny.”

Thanks Michael. But, as awesome as His Airness was, he did not invent the Fist Bump. Because, years before he came into fame there was a pair of kids known as the Wonder Twins who Fist Bumped all day.

On the left is Zan, with the power to transform into any form of water. Okay, cool. And on the right is his sister Jayna, who has the ability to turn into any animal, whether real or imaginary. Wow. Zan sure got the shaft on this on huh? Let’s see Zan vs. Jayna in a battle.

Kiddie Pool vs. T-Rex… thank goodness they never had to fight each other. Interestingly enough their powers only worked if they Fist Bumped each other and yelled “Wonder Twin powers activate!” But oh, how hilarious is must’ve been when Jayna wasn’t sure what role Zan was taking that day.

“Jayna NO! It’s me! Stop!”

So the Wonder Twins beat Michael to the Fist Bump, but who beat them? Why none other than the Egyptians. Sure, they developed a lot of the firsts we have in the world. Egyptians are credited with the invention of paper, the ramp, the lever, further development of the chariot, the science of embalming, and most recently they’ve been given credit for the Fist Bump.

As you can see in this painting found on the wall of a pyramid in Egypt, the man on the right is happy that the blue dude has scored with a chick as hot as the lady with a green turkey on her head. He’s offered his fist in hopes of receiving a Fist Bump. If the Bump is not received the dude with the leaky bottle behind him will be free to bash his head in with that squash he’s holding. Ancient Egypt was kinda retarded.

But, history isn’t done with the Fist Bump. Apparently, the Fist Bump is as old as time itself. After picking up a dusty old book the mouse to the computer and reading clicking on some stuff, I stumbled upon a scripture from the Bible.

So apparently Michaelangelo had it all wrong on the Sistine Chapel. Perhaps, the picture below… digitally altered by yours truely is what actually took place.

So there you have it, the origin of the Fist Bump. Quite a colorful backround it has. I hope you’ve learned something and maybe win the next round of Trivial Pursuit you play because of the knowledge I’ve armed you with.

Two Scoops of Sun Dried Grapes… And Other Generic Cereals

I love grocery shopping. There’s not many things that I enjoy more. Seriously, it’s a chance for me to unwind after a long day, and get excited about things in the future. Those things being what I’m gonna put in my belly. And as for those asshats that say, “Don’t shop on an empty stomach”, I say… screw you. I go home with more interesting food on those days than on any other. In fact, I often spend less than I would with a well planned out menu that I was shopping for… Nah, that’s not true. I spend like 5 times as much. But seriously, who cares?!?! You only live once, so you might as well live with 6 different types of peanut butter available to you at any time.

And that brings me to the meat of this article. Anyone who knows me, or has seen me at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet of any kind, knows that I love to eat. I make fat people who eat too much look like fat people who eat normal amounts of food. And one of my favorite things to eat is cereal. I love it. I will eat it at any time of the day, and will not be embarrassed by having a tiny little plastic baggy full of my favorite cereal treat available to munch on the go. And the cereal of choice for me, is Marshmallow Mateys.

Look at that freaking bag! I swear, when the folks at Malt O’ Meal say SUPER SIZE, they are not screwing around. That bag contains no less than 80 pounds of cereal, of which 56 pounds is marshmallows. I love this stuff, I’ve eaten so many bags of it, that they’ve debated switching a picture of me out for the kangaroos. Well, they haven’t, but that would be some cool shit wouldn’t it?

Which brings me to the rest of the meat of this article, Generic Cereals. They’re something else, they’re cereals with a generic label! Of course, they’re essentially the same as their name brand counterpart… but they’re oh so different. And that is a beautiful thing. A thing I’m here to share with you.

We’ve all heard of Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle, and Pop, and Captain Crunch… but the folks you are about to see will amaze and astound you. These… are the GENERIC CEREAL MASCOTS!

Our first spokesperson represents a line of chocolaty cereal in the nugget form. It’s…

Tony Monkey!
Yes, Tony Monkey, the younger brother of the famous skateboarder Tony Hawk. Tony Monkey used to be the best skateboarder there was, he was king. That was until that fateful day he got caught up in doing crack cocaine. Yep, this kids, is a crackmonkey. His love of chocolate took him to dark and dangerous places, and while he never was a good reader, or very smart… no one thought him stupid enough to confuse a bag labeled Cocaine with one labeled Cocoa. Now, he sucks men’s privates or as he calls them “weird shaped bananas” for a high.

Next up on our virtual Who’s Who of the bottom shelf cereals…

Drunk Off His Ass Frog!
Long time lover of cereal and snorkeling, Drunk Off His Ass Frog otherwise known as DOHAF has been swimming and eating for years. Originally just a frog, DOHAF became the “man” he is today after being caught by a guy swimming and a guy gigging for “Good Eats”. (See artists renderings below)

A fifth of Jack Daniels later, the men had decided this frog was too cool to eat. Instead, they made love to him. DAHOF hasn’t spent a day sober since. Never one to turn down a chance to earn money to purchase alcohol, he responded to an advertisement seeking “Naked Frog with Scuba Prop”, and the picture on the box is the result of the photo shoot.

Our next beloved cereal icon is none other than…

LOLgator was the laughing stock of the swamp. Originally trying out to be the mascot for the Florida Gators, he lost the job after it was found out that he was legally retarded. How they didn’t figure that out by simply looking at him, we may never know. But after he was spotted Sweating to the Oldies in the locker room he was promptly fired, and spent the next 7 years wondering the country selling used suitcases with this guy.

LOLgator finally made it big when getting lost in the Endless Blue Abyss, and being photographed as he raced away. Crisp Rice Cereal Inc. found the photo, and the rest is history.

Moving onward, our next Hero of the Cereals that Cost Less Money is…

Crocodile Dun-ate some Cereal!

Crocodile was the star of many Australian action films before meeting his sad demise at the photo shoot for Fruity Crisp Rice. The picture above was taken shortly beforehand. But the ever eager photographer, excited by the prospect of selling more cereal for the company writing his check, goaded Crocodile into having a tasty bite of that cereal. Croc agreed, and shoved a spoonful in his mouth, which resulted in the pointy end of the poorly designed spoon being shoved right into his beady black eye. He died on the scene.

Up for grabs next and in a cereal bowl near you is…

1998 Rookie of the Year, RANDY MOSS!
HAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, omg! Yeah, that’s Randy Moss! And that kids, is his Magic Crunch. Michael Jordan has Nike, Tiger Woods has Gatorade, and Randy Moss, he has Magic Crunch.

Finally, we have a mascot that will knock your socks right off. Please, if there are any children in the room, get them out. And if your wife or girlfriend is around, beware! Because this guy is…

Humpty the Bear!
Humpty the Bear, porn star in the seventies had a rough life in the eighties and nineties. Finding work as a Porn star in a winter hat and gloves, not to mention a movie that called for a White Cartoon Bear wasn’t easy. After staring in Debbie Does The Wilderness, and Goldifucks and the 3 Bears; Humpty entered into a slump. Until 30 years later he was spotted by an advertising agent that “liked his look”. However, after going through an entire roll of film with every picture being blurred, the agent made a critical mistake. “The next shot is the Money Shot” he told Humpty. Humpty did what any former porn star cartoon bear would do, and made love to the cereal bowl.

That’s it for our look at Generic Cereal Mascots, I hope next time you’re shopping for a breakfast treat you’ll look beyond the Toucan Sam’s and the Trix Rabbit’s and give some of these unsung heroes a chance at filling your tummy.