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Occasionally my parents surprise me with a box full of toys. And I will think… holy shit, is it Christmas already? And my Mom will say; “We were cleaning up the attic/basement/closet and thought you might want this stuff.” I’ll open the box with such joy and gusto only to find a bunch of my old toys. As you can imagine, the thrill isn’t quite as large, but don’t get me wrong… it’s still there. I mean, sure, they’re dusty, broken, and outdated, but they’re still toys. And they’re mine!

The latest box was absolutely full of the widest variety of junk that you could imagine. I mean, this is an Ebayer’s wet dream. Allow me to share a few of the prizes of my yesteryears.

The C-7 Air Cargo Plane was released in 1989 and offered the owner an easy way to transport 50 or so vehicles from the living room to the basement. I can remember making vehicles line up to await transport at my Micro Machine Airport only to wait for hours, do to a delay that took place in the kitchen because dinner was ready. The tiny drivers never complained of course. I was 1000 times their size, and could crush them.

Oh snap! I really wish I still had the controller to the remote control Batmobile. Because I guarantee that I would do exactly the same thing I did with it 18 years ago: chase my dogs around the house. My mother would get so uptight about me “freaking out the puppies”. Batman doesn’t care about puppies’ well being. Neither did I.

My school would have an event once a year or so that more often than not led to most of us young people’s first orgasms. The BOOK FESTIVAL! Several weeks in advance, our teachers would send us home with a catalog containing the names and pictures of literally thousands of books. Don’t get me wrong, reading wasn’t exactly your ticket to coolness in elementary school. But, if you didn’t buy at least 30 books, you were labeled an outcast by your peers. I wasn’t to be one of those. My Mom, if it weren’t for my Dad, would have made my name Reid. Yeah, I would’ve been Reid Moore. “Read More.” She wanted me to be a walking, talking billboard for literacy. So, long story short, I was sent to school with a blank check, with a note that said “Give him teh bookz!” I came home with Tree Vipers among others.

HA! Proof that I wasn’t always a lazy couch potato! Trophies and medals. I played Soccer, Baseball, and Basketball most of my life, and apparently occasionally I was good enough to deserve a reward. I can only guess that the medals were in fact recognizing my accomplishments in book buying though.

On top of being an actual Baseball player, I also made it a point to collect baseball cards. And here’s one of my pride and joys. A Kevin Maas Rookie card. Cost, $5.00. At the time, this was a heck of a buy. Kevin Maas was the future of baseball man. After finding this card, I had to know what it was worth. I did some research. After searching “Kevin Maas Rookie Card” I was directed to a page entitled: SPORTS Biggest Hobby Flops Of The Recent Era. Oh crap. Number one on the list? Kevin Maas.

1. Kevin Maas
Deemed the heir apparent to Don Mattingly, Maas started his big league career on a tear, belting 10 homers in his first 77 at bats. Hobbyists responded by hoarding his rookies.

“In 1990, I remember being at a card show in New York and Kevin Maas was as hot as you could imagine,” recalled Kruk.
Jim Kramer, owner of Southpaw Cards in Roseville, Minn., had a similar experience. “I was always selling them as quick as I had them,” he said.

But Maas could never match the magic of his first few months in the majors. His power numbers evaporated after two seasons and he struggled to get his average above .200. His career lasted only five years.

Current market value… .50 cents. Dammit.

Hell yes! STRIDOR! This metallic pony carried none other than He-Man into war when Battlecat was stuck in the litterbox. Check out that gun on his ass. Tail? No thanks, I’d like a gun thank you very much.

Where Kevin Maas let me down, Spider-man will not. This folks is a box containing a Genuine Spider-man 100 piece puzzle, out before Spider-man ever hit the big screen. Hell, at this point I don’t even think the webslinger even had a cartoon. Just proof that I wanted to be Spider-man before being Spider-man was cool. This baby is worth some bucks. Of course, I’ll be damned if I ever part with it. In fact, I’m probably going to put it together in a few minutes. I might even frame the damn thing and hang it above my bed.

Transformers, more than meets the eye! No matter the age, these guys will always be cool. And these fellas had something else going for them. They fit in my pocket. I remember I had no less than ten thousand mini Transformers, and I made every attempt to fit all ten thousand in my pants to take to school everyday to show my friends. I have no idea what these guys were named. We’ll call them Lil’ Ironhide, and Stupid Arms Optimus. Stupid Arms Optimus, how do you feed yourself and clean your arse?

LOL, wtf.

Omg. Robin Hood Prince of Thieves action figures! Left to right… Robin Hood, Little John, The Sheriff of Nottingham, and a Dark Warrior. These guys were great, and I even had the playset!

Don’t be confused, the playset was redesigned for the Robin Hood movie from the Ewok Village playset in the Star Wars series. Little fun fact for you there. Thank me when you win Final Jeopardy.

And I know what you’re thinking. Mav sure does like to take the shirts off his action figures. He’s such a gay. Well, I assure you. That is not the case. And I promise the next toy I pull out of my box of treasure will prove it.

Sonofa bitch.