Bath Time Fun Time

Recently I received a gift from a friend. The gift was extraordinary. I want to share it with you.

Instant Playtime Bears!

We’ve all come across these toys before, tiny capsules that when immersed in water, grow into amazing creatures our imaginations have trouble comprehending. The toys are fun no doubt. But this toy in particular has something that the others do not.

Humpty the Bear. He’s back kids, and you better keep your All American Pill Shaped friends away. Humpty is the Proud new spokesperson for pickle love. I mean, he’s the new spokesperson for The World Famous Original Foam Toy, voted #1 Tub toy.

These toys work simply enough. Put them in hot water, and they grow. Then you play with them and wash your friends’ backs with them.

Wait, what? “Used by educators worldwide”

You’ve got to be kidding me right? What class uses these to teach anything? And what lesson do you learn? What college offers such a class. Because I’m signing up.

Harvard, now offering PHd’s in Foam Capsule Growing

Class is in session everyone. Let’s see the curriculum.

Hahahahahahahahaha. If only MY parents had been so naive. Wonders of the World huh? Grand Canyon, Northern Lights, The Taj Mahal. They don’t have shit on INSTANT PRODUCTS.

Let’s find out how we can experience such wonder and excitement.

Simple enough right. Now, where can we find enough warm water… it did say #1 Tub Toy.

Bubble bath, check.

Pills, check.

Wait. 5 Blue, 4 Red, 2 Green, and 1 Yellow. Yellow… you must be special. I will save you for last. Into the tub!

I had every intention of showing videos of each item as it “grew” but I swear to you they lied on the package. The damn things took no less than 2 minutes to reach adulthood. And this website is about to explode with data already. So here’s a pic of the little critters midway. While we wait, let’s check out what we’re growing.

Bear with large chest wound.

Party time Bear.

Bear about to vomit in pain from a chest wound.

Bear hitting a bong.

Fatass depressed Bear.

And finally… Bear taking a giant sized shit.

Top to bottom we have the blue pills, red pills, and green pills in their final bear form.

I’m not going to lie to you and say that I was impressed with the results. The bears are hardly the size of a quarter, bearly (get it! bearly!) larger than the original capsule they came in. All in all we had 2 Bears with chest wounds, 2 Bears about to kill over and die do to chest wounds, 2 party time Bears, 2 bong Bears, and 1 fat Bear. But, lest you forget. There’s still one wonderful yellow pill left!

Don’t let me down yellow, I just know you have something awesome inside you.

2 minutes later…

BROOKE HOGAN! Holy Shit, Instant Playtime Bears are made of win!

I recommend you pick up a pack today!

My Old Toy Box

Occasionally my parents surprise me with a box full of toys. And I will think… holy shit, is it Christmas already? And my Mom will say; “We were cleaning up the attic/basement/closet and thought you might want this stuff.” I’ll open the box with such joy and gusto only to find a bunch of my old toys. As you can imagine, the thrill isn’t quite as large, but don’t get me wrong… it’s still there. I mean, sure, they’re dusty, broken, and outdated, but they’re still toys. And they’re mine!

The latest box was absolutely full of the widest variety of junk that you could imagine. I mean, this is an Ebayer’s wet dream. Allow me to share a few of the prizes of my yesteryears.

The C-7 Air Cargo Plane was released in 1989 and offered the owner an easy way to transport 50 or so vehicles from the living room to the basement. I can remember making vehicles line up to await transport at my Micro Machine Airport only to wait for hours, do to a delay that took place in the kitchen because dinner was ready. The tiny drivers never complained of course. I was 1000 times their size, and could crush them.

Oh snap! I really wish I still had the controller to the remote control Batmobile. Because I guarantee that I would do exactly the same thing I did with it 18 years ago: chase my dogs around the house. My mother would get so uptight about me “freaking out the puppies”. Batman doesn’t care about puppies’ well being. Neither did I.

My school would have an event once a year or so that more often than not led to most of us young people’s first orgasms. The BOOK FESTIVAL! Several weeks in advance, our teachers would send us home with a catalog containing the names and pictures of literally thousands of books. Don’t get me wrong, reading wasn’t exactly your ticket to coolness in elementary school. But, if you didn’t buy at least 30 books, you were labeled an outcast by your peers. I wasn’t to be one of those. My Mom, if it weren’t for my Dad, would have made my name Reid. Yeah, I would’ve been Reid Moore. “Read More.” She wanted me to be a walking, talking billboard for literacy. So, long story short, I was sent to school with a blank check, with a note that said “Give him teh bookz!” I came home with Tree Vipers among others.

HA! Proof that I wasn’t always a lazy couch potato! Trophies and medals. I played Soccer, Baseball, and Basketball most of my life, and apparently occasionally I was good enough to deserve a reward. I can only guess that the medals were in fact recognizing my accomplishments in book buying though.

On top of being an actual Baseball player, I also made it a point to collect baseball cards. And here’s one of my pride and joys. A Kevin Maas Rookie card. Cost, $5.00. At the time, this was a heck of a buy. Kevin Maas was the future of baseball man. After finding this card, I had to know what it was worth. I did some research. After searching “Kevin Maas Rookie Card” I was directed to a page entitled: SPORTS Biggest Hobby Flops Of The Recent Era. Oh crap. Number one on the list? Kevin Maas.

1. Kevin Maas
Deemed the heir apparent to Don Mattingly, Maas started his big league career on a tear, belting 10 homers in his first 77 at bats. Hobbyists responded by hoarding his rookies.

“In 1990, I remember being at a card show in New York and Kevin Maas was as hot as you could imagine,” recalled Kruk.
Jim Kramer, owner of Southpaw Cards in Roseville, Minn., had a similar experience. “I was always selling them as quick as I had them,” he said.

But Maas could never match the magic of his first few months in the majors. His power numbers evaporated after two seasons and he struggled to get his average above .200. His career lasted only five years.

Current market value… .50 cents. Dammit.

Hell yes! STRIDOR! This metallic pony carried none other than He-Man into war when Battlecat was stuck in the litterbox. Check out that gun on his ass. Tail? No thanks, I’d like a gun thank you very much.

Where Kevin Maas let me down, Spider-man will not. This folks is a box containing a Genuine Spider-man 100 piece puzzle, out before Spider-man ever hit the big screen. Hell, at this point I don’t even think the webslinger even had a cartoon. Just proof that I wanted to be Spider-man before being Spider-man was cool. This baby is worth some bucks. Of course, I’ll be damned if I ever part with it. In fact, I’m probably going to put it together in a few minutes. I might even frame the damn thing and hang it above my bed.

Transformers, more than meets the eye! No matter the age, these guys will always be cool. And these fellas had something else going for them. They fit in my pocket. I remember I had no less than ten thousand mini Transformers, and I made every attempt to fit all ten thousand in my pants to take to school everyday to show my friends. I have no idea what these guys were named. We’ll call them Lil’ Ironhide, and Stupid Arms Optimus. Stupid Arms Optimus, how do you feed yourself and clean your arse?

LOL, wtf.

Omg. Robin Hood Prince of Thieves action figures! Left to right… Robin Hood, Little John, The Sheriff of Nottingham, and a Dark Warrior. These guys were great, and I even had the playset!

Don’t be confused, the playset was redesigned for the Robin Hood movie from the Ewok Village playset in the Star Wars series. Little fun fact for you there. Thank me when you win Final Jeopardy.

And I know what you’re thinking. Mav sure does like to take the shirts off his action figures. He’s such a gay. Well, I assure you. That is not the case. And I promise the next toy I pull out of my box of treasure will prove it.

Sonofa bitch.

Today in the News

it Friday the 13th? Full moon? Has a maniacal magician been loosed upon the Earth? Seriously, just reading through the headlines of online news sources, I was amazed to find that the world went batshit crazy today. Yeah, seriously. And I’m not talking about natural disasters, wars, or polar icecaps melting. I’m referring to the serious issues. Groundbreaking news folks. Stuff like…


Former ‘Pregnant Man’ Debuts Baby

Excuse me while I go hurl…

On June 29 at 8:55 p.m., Beatie, 34, a former female beauty pageant contestant, made cultural history as perhaps the first legally transgender male to give birth, bringing into the world a 9 lbs., 5 oz. baby girl named Susan Juliette.

Apparently this guy used to be a gal. And he thought it’d be cool to be preggers. As for what part of being fat, pissy, and having cankles is cool, I’m not sure. But, through the miracle of mad scientists working in some dark dungeon, a baby was made.

Crows Thomas, “Susan is a miracle! And we’re finally the family we’ve been dreaming of.”

One can only imagine that dream. It probably involves a lot of alcohol, and a game of Truth or Dare. The only thing more disgusting to me than the idea of a man giving birth…

The free Suntan Lotion Kiosk at a water park.


Wax Amy Winehouse Unveiled

Oh wow. That’s so awesome. It’s so, lifelike?

Seriously, why? I could understand wanting to see a wax replica of someone that I couldn’t actually see anymore, like a deceased celebrity. Or seeing a wax replica of someone that I actually give a rat’s ass about, like a real celebrity. But Amy Winehouse?

Madame Tussauds unveiled a waxwork of Amy Winehouse on Wednesday complete with her signature beehive, black eyeliner and a bright yellow minidress.

It’s funny though, because when I first read the headline, I thought, oh my. It’s surprising though, they didn’t make the wax replica very lifelike…


Miley Cyrus Auctions Red Carpet Date

Miley Cyrus is auctioning off the hottest ticket in teen town: A date with the megastar!

Wow, what a chance for a lucky fan to spend some quality time with this teenage pop star! Seems like a great thing for her to do really.

Being auctioned on Ebay, the highest bid for the night-on-the-town with the Hannah Montana star, 15, currently stands around $2,000. The auction kicked off Tuesday night and ends July 29.

Well, looks like I’ve been outbid.

Congrats on raising all that money! Of course, opening up the bidding to everyone with an Ebay account could be a little scary. Oh, the results are in…and here’s the winna!

I can haz date with Miley Cyrus?


Zac’s Big Bang Theory

Zac Efron finds a nifty solution to his long hair, tying back his bangs for a trip to the gym Wednesday in Beverly Hills.

Wow, congratulations dude. You’ve done the impossible. The unthinkable. You’ve found a nifty solution to keeping your hair out of your face! It’s called a ponytail dude. Girls have been doing it for years. I’ve got another nifty solution for you. It’s called a hair cut.


Nick Jonas & Selena Gomez… Are They Dating?

Oh, two teens in love. Both are stars. This should be interesting.

Now, a source confirms to PEOPLE that Jonas, 15, and Gomez, 16, are an item, saying, “They’ve been dating for months.”

A rep for the Jonas Brothers maintains there’s no romance. “They are not girlfriend and boyfriend. They’re friends. All of the Jonas Brothers are friends with Selena.”

All of the Jonas Brothers are friends with Selena! LOL, I bet they are.

Get it?


And that’s the news! Join us next time as we update you on other stories that you probably shouldn’t care about either.

Signing off.

Guy Love

Every so often, I stop and think about just how lucky I really am. Like really just stop everything I’m doing and think. Sometimes it happens while I’m driving, and I swerve into oncoming traffic. But, other times such as last night, I was moved, not in the physical sense, this time it was emotional. I was thinking about how lucky I am to have such great friends. Mostly due to being excited about my buddy’s wedding, and getting to see all my friends this upcoming weekend, while I was shopping for his wedding gift.

Something for Him

Something for Her

And I realized, dude, I love these guys. Not in the sense that it’s weird. But in the sense that I would definitely consider having their names tatooed somewhere on my body. Nah, I’m kidding.

Actually, I would… I would totally do that.

Seriously how special is this thing we call Guy Love? It’s special. And it’s magical. It’s like a Fuckin’ Special Ed Unicorn it’s so special and magical.

But, how do you know if there’s a couple of fellas living it up in a Bromance? I’ll show you.

Let’s take a look at the Top 5 Signs of Guy Love.


#1. They Give One Arm Hugs

Few guys even like to touch each other, let alone hug. But there’s a select few, that share Guy Love, that don’t mind one little bit.

Don’t let your tummies touch boys, and it’s totally hetero. Heck you can even have your shirt off and it’s still not even the slightest bit odd. Nothing feels quite as good as your buddy’s sweaty, hairy arm pit pressed up against your neck.

#2. They High Five Each Other

This is a sure sign that one guy is sweet on another guy. He’s always throwing up High Fives. Why? Have you ever seen a picture of 2 guys giving each other a High Five? Look, I’ll share one.

Every single High Five ever given is EPIC. It becomes a thing of legend. The sound heard round the world? It was a High Five between two best buds. And what guy doesn’t want to be remembered for something amazing. Take my own wedding for example. No one remembers the colors of the flowers or the taste of the cake. However, I guarantee they remember that High Five.

#3. They Like Being Naked Together

It might be in a pool, on a trampoline, but never in a bed; sometimes guys just get naked together.

A slap in the face to everyone around them maybe. Guys just want to show how much they care. And that is measured by how naked they are. Note the level of love in the picture above is off the charts.

#4. They Buy Stuff For Each Other

No, I’m not talking about dinner, or clothes. Well, sometimes clothes. But, only if it’s like a really cool pair of pants that you just know your bud would look great in. However, usually it’s things that your bro wouldn’t get from his family or girlfriend/wife. That’s when you have to step in and set your bud up.

I got one for both of us, cause we’re both so super!

Action figures, video games, pokemon cards. If it’ll make your friend smile, you’re gonna buy it. Cause you love him.

#5. They Hang Out… All The Time

Guys love being with other guys they love. Why do you think we play sports? To impress women, for exercise, or to entertain someone? No… it’s because we get to hang out with a bunch of the guys.

And oh man, watch out when guys get together to play video games. It’s like a dude orgy. Oftentimes, you might find all the above roped together on video game night. Naked guys hugging, throwing up high fives, because their bud bought them the new Smackdown Game for them to play. Hanging out is to guys as having vaginas is to women.


Don’t try to understand it ladies. It’s just guy love. And you know what. It’s okay.

Guess What Everyone Is Getting For Christmas!

No joke, this is a book. It is written by a guy that thinks you can become Batman. He is quoted saying.

“You could train somebody to be a tremendous athlete and to have a significant martial arts background, and also to use some of the gear that he has, which requires a lot of physical prowess. Most of what you see there is feasible to the extent that somebody could be trained to that extreme. We’re seeing that kind of thing in less than a month in the Olympics.”

He has no idea.

Although this book will indeed be purchased, I think it should be noted, that no, this is not the road to “Becoming Batman”.

Having your parents murdered in front of your freakin’ eyes and then falling down a well full of bats and shit is the way to becoming Batman.

Of course on top of the entire “Olympic Level Athlete” and “Expert Martial Artist” there’s the whole badass detective thing to factor in. Batman is the “World’s Greatest Detective” according to DC Comics official website. So, if you’ve ever had trouble figuring out where you left your keys, or what exactly the mystery meat is at the local Chinese Restaurant, you probably don’t have the Sherlock Skillz to even begin to compete with Batman.

You don’t know what this is…

Oh, and how about all that money Batman has. You’re not that rich. And if you are that rich, well, it costs $100,000 to read this post. Please mail it to my P.O. Box address.

In fact Batman is, according to the Forbes Fictional Fifteen… very rich.

#8 Wayne, Bruce

Net Worth: $6.5 billion
Source: Inheritance; Defense
Age: 32
Marital Status: Single
Hometown: Gotham City, U.S.A

Interesting side note, the #1 slot went to Scrooge McDuck, and even more interesting… #15 went to Princess Peach. And a side note to that side note, I can only imagine it being anything but impossible to accumulate wealth in the Mushroom Kingdom considering everytime you had 100 coins to your name you got a new life and were set back to having 0 coins again. So you’d be immortal, but always broke.

Of course, there are some people in real life with enough dough to purchase sweet Batman-esque gadgets and vehicles.

Below is the link to pre-order. Do yourself a favor though, and realize it just isn’t gonna happen. Mostly because of the fact that in the slim chance that the book would actually work, you would look like a complete tool in your outfit.

Link to Order:

A Trip To The Dollar Store

Oh Happy Day!

I got to go to the Dollar Store the other day!

And nothing makes me more happy!

Than getting things that are so crappy!

I love getting stuff. Especially stuff that I don’t really need. I suppose that it makes me feel like one of those rich people that buys planes, cars, and pools even though they already own planes, cars, and pools. I like getting things I don’t need, and adding them to a collection of other stuff I don’t have any reason to own. Then I can be like: “Hey, look at all this stuff I have that I don’t need.” And secretly I think to myself. “Yeah, they’re impressed. They don’t have this kind of stuff.” And the best place for me to fulfill my desire for stuff I don’t need, is the Dollar Store.

The Dollar Store is the only place I can go in with nothing in my pocket, and still come out with something spectacular. And recently, I did just that.

The treasures I brought out of that store would make a pirate weep. I was the owner of the coolest of the coolest of things. The first thing I found however, worried me.

The “Fun Bubbles” Play Set. Seemingly harmless of course. What harm could come from bubbles. Bubbles are fun, and good wholesome entertainment for the entire family. This toy shouldn’t really be a big issue. But oh, then I looked a little closer.

Look at this kid. He’s not actually enjoying bubbles. He’s enjoying his first BONG! I couldn’t believe it. Ages 4+ it says. It might as well say, “Good for everyone who wants to dabble in the illegal substances available on the streets.” This poor child didn’t know what was he was getting into. Check out that smile. The innocence.

I can only imagine this child’s future after playing with the “toy”.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Wasted, and Baked, and Red-eyed is he!

Let’s move on.

The Magic Growing Beast.

“You may not become a beast trainer, but you can grow one!”

OMG! LOL. Just add water it says. And I can become a grower of beasts. Or beast trainers. I guess it’s all in how you read it.

It looks harmless enough sure. And of course the package tells me up front that I’m not going to become a Beast Trainer. So I have nothing to fear.

This will not be me

“Fill with clean water…” Then what? I didn’t know. The words just kinda trail off there. White letters over a partially white backdrop? Sounds grand, print it!

The package did nothing else to guide me. So, of course. I put the item in my mouth.

But, of course the package came with a warning. And of course, it’s a warning that most kids, and twenty-somethings would not give any credit too, or even notice until it was too late.

“Do not swallow.”

DO NOT SWALLOW?!?! What kid would even consider such a thing!?!? It’s not like this was a package of Pringles. I tell you this with the upmost of authority. This warning should be on the front of the package, not on the back.

After an hour or so, I was able to make it back to my prizes.

The next item I found at the Dollar Store was something that should not even be in my possession. Or anyone’s possession for that matter. It should still be in it’s glass cage.

We’ve all seen them, the 25 cent machines, offering prizes galore. Prizes worth much more than the price it takes to play. And of course you never get anything close to the value of the items advertised.

But, they look so damn appealing. “I can be a winner for just 25 cents!”

I wasn’t a winner.

Domes of Joy these were not. The quarter machine claimed it held “Sweet Prizes”. What I got was from from Sweet, and certainly no prize. I got two plastic girls from the movie “Grease”.

Just look at them. Pieces of crap worth less than the 25 cents I paid for ‘em. However, I do like the effort they went to, giving them personality. The girl on the left… Betty, has a leather jacket and is a bad to the bone biker chick. Stacey is her polar opposite, she chews gum, blows bubbles, and wears pink. I especially like the way Stacey tilts a little to the side. Almost as if Betty has spiked her milkshake with liquor in a cruel joke to impress her friends down at the Shake Shop. But, I suppose there’s worse things I could buy…

But this friends, was not one of those things. “A Surprise For A Boy” offered the chance to redeem this trip and the $5 I had spent at the Dollar Store. I’m not gonna lie and say that I wasn’t completely thrilled to open this package. It could’ve contained nothing more than a note saying “Surprise” and I would’ve been just as happy with the results. But, A Surprise For A Boy did not let me down.

I’m a boy, and this was a surprise. And in my mind, it was Christmas in July.

That face should say it all. This dollar was well spent.

No, I’m not about to poop on myself. I am making the face that anyone would make after finding out that they had just unearthed a Giant Plastic Grasshopper…

…and Giant Plastic Bat.

And of course. I did what anyone in their right mind would do.

But, the Grasshopper and Bat were not all I found inside this Prize of Prizes.

I had also become the proud owner of an official USGI Action Set.

Face of a proud owner

The USGI Action Set, easily the Creme de la Creme of playsets offered up not one, but 6 Action Figures. These guys were replicas of soldiers fighting for our freedom against… something. And thank goodness they were fighting.

Otherwise, plastic women from the movie “Grease” and Giant Grasshoppers would be killing us all. Or humping us. I’m not sure which.

Could I have spent my 5 dollars elsewhere and been been better served? I’ll leave that decision up to you. But I know this, I’m 5 dollars poorer.

That’s it, no words of wisdom. I’m 5 dollars poorer.