Ah… Pro Athletes. What we wouldn’t give to be one. All the money, all the fame, all the sweet sports cars and giant houses. All of the babes trying to grab our junk.
But, our moms say we have no talent. That and we don’t have the right “look.”
Neither do these guys mom, but they still made it!
#1 – Troy Polamalu
Don’t get us wrong. Troy is one hell of a football player. But, he doesn’t exactly put off that, “Hey, I’m a jock, where’s the weight room?” look that we would associate with a true Man’s Man Pro Athlete. He looks more like…
Cher. Yeah, that Cher hair just can’t be missed.
#2 – Yao Ming
Yao Ming is huge. He doesn’t even have to jump to dunk… or to touch the moon. We would imagine they sent this guy to America so he’d stop scaring the kids in his home country. He’s Godzilla big. Ming is like a giraffe on stilts… wearing a big hat.
Sure, the above picture has things mixed up a little… the giraffe has no hat, and the lion is the one on stilts. But, you can’t deny the fact that it’s hilarious. And the direct result of searching “giraffe on stilts + hat.”
We like this guy. He’s a great ball player, and he is in a funny commercial where he demands that there’s a full sized whole banana in each bottle of the flavored water. That doesn’t sway the fact that he looks like…
I know what you’re thinking… we just put another picture of Steve Nash here. But, you’re wrong. That’s James Blunt. And Steve Nash looks like him.
#4 – Randy Johnson
Odds are Randy Johnson is a really nice guy. We almost feel bad for even including him on this list. But that doesn’t change the fact that he looks more like a Huge Redneck than a Pro Athlete.
“No, I don’t want to play baseball today… I’m busy.”
#5 – Sam Cassell
Sam… why are you on this list?
#6 – Kyle Orton
Kyle Orton, shave your beard. Kyle Orton, wake up. Kyle Orton, stop looking like a stoned college student.
“Has anyone seen my sock tobogan?”
#7 – Dirk Nowitzki
Dirk… what kindof name is that anyway? “I’m Dirk from Dallas. LET’S ROCK!” Dirk looks more like a rock star than a Pro Athlete. Throw some paint on his face, a guitar in his hands, put him on stage…
And also make him wear silly outfits and platform boots.
#8 – Joakim Noah
This poor fella. Seriously, Joakim Noah may be a great basketball player, but even that only goes so far. He’s just a plain ugly dude. And he looks like one of the Beagle Boys from Ducktales.
Put a big unruly head of hair on the tall one that’s standing in the back left, and you’ve got a twin.
#9 – Andre Agassi
Sure, he may have cleaned up his act, and cut his hair, and started doing camera commercials, but not always. He used to be married to Brooke Shields and looked like a moron. Or one of the Rockers from the WWF.
“What’s up ladies?”
#10 – Larry Bird
We intentionally saved Larry Bird for last, because out of all these people, he’s the most god-like. The things he did on the basketball court, and the epic battles between him and Michael Jordan will forever live in history. But, he still looks like someone’s Aunt who lives in England.
Anyone up for a cup of tea? Or a game of basketball? Or both?
Honorable Mention – Don Mossi
Yep, he played Professional Baseball. And you get paid to do whatever it is you do. How’s that for a kick in the balls?