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Ah… Pro Athletes. What we wouldn’t give to be one. All the money, all the fame, all the sweet sports cars and giant houses. All of the babes trying to grab our junk.

But, our moms say we have no talent. That and we don’t have the right “look.”

Neither do these guys mom, but they still made it!

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#1 – Troy Polamalu

Don’t get us wrong. Troy is one hell of a football player. But, he doesn’t exactly put off that, “Hey, I’m a jock, where’s the weight room?” look that we would associate with a true Man’s Man Pro Athlete. He looks more like…

Cher. Yeah, that Cher hair just can’t be missed.

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#2 – Yao Ming

Yao Ming is huge. He doesn’t even have to jump to dunk… or to touch the moon.  We would imagine they sent this guy to America so he’d stop scaring the kids in his home country. He’s Godzilla big. Ming is like a giraffe on stilts… wearing a big hat.

Sure, the above picture has things mixed up a little… the giraffe has no hat, and the lion is the one on stilts. But, you can’t deny the fact that it’s hilarious. And the direct result of searching “giraffe on stilts + hat.”

We like this guy. He’s a great ball player, and he is in a funny commercial where he demands that there’s a full sized whole banana in each bottle of the flavored water. That doesn’t sway the fact that he looks like…

I know what you’re thinking… we just put another picture of Steve Nash here. But, you’re wrong. That’s James Blunt. And Steve Nash looks like him.

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#4 – Randy Johnson

Odds are Randy Johnson is a really nice guy. We almost feel bad for even including him on this list. But that doesn’t change the fact that he looks more like a Huge Redneck than a Pro Athlete.

“No, I don’t want to play baseball today… I’m busy.”

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#5 – Sam Cassell

Sam… why are you on this list?

 

Oh.

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#6 – Kyle Orton

Kyle Orton, shave your beard. Kyle Orton, wake up. Kyle Orton, stop looking like a stoned college student.

“Has anyone seen my sock tobogan?”

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#7 – Dirk Nowitzki

 

Dirk… what kindof name is that anyway? “I’m Dirk from Dallas. LET’S ROCK!” Dirk looks more like a rock star than a Pro Athlete. Throw some paint on his face, a guitar in his hands, put him on stage…

And also make him wear silly outfits and platform boots.

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#8 – Joakim Noah

This poor fella. Seriously, Joakim Noah may be a great basketball player, but even that only goes so far. He’s just a plain ugly dude. And he looks like one of the Beagle Boys from Ducktales.

Put a big unruly head of hair on the tall one that’s standing in the back left, and you’ve got a twin.

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#9 – Andre Agassi

Sure, he may have cleaned up his act, and cut his hair, and started doing camera commercials, but not always. He used to be married to Brooke Shields and looked like a moron. Or one of the Rockers from the WWF.

“What’s up ladies?”

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#10 – Larry Bird

We intentionally saved Larry Bird for last, because out of all these people, he’s the most god-like. The things he did on the basketball court, and the epic battles between him and Michael Jordan will forever live in history. But, he still looks like someone’s Aunt who lives in England.

Anyone up for a cup of tea? Or a game of basketball? Or both?

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Honorable Mention – Don Mossi

Yep, he played Professional Baseball. And you get paid to do whatever it is you do. How’s that for a kick in the balls?

Super Mario Bros. is a worldwide phenomenon. Search the web, and you’ll find hundreds of images of the fireball tossing plumber, his friends, and his arch nemesis. Here’s some of the most unique.

There’s something entertaining about putting a random word into a search engine and seeing what the internet provides. It’s an entirely different story when you put in a word that should provide perfectly normal results, and you come up with things like the following. These are The 30 Most Bizarre Santas The Internet Has To Offer, enjoy!

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#1. Santa Fights The Devil

It’s a known fact that in his war against the devil, Jesus recruits Saints to help in the battle. Santa, or Saint Nick was always found in the front lines. Here it looks like he caught Satan off guard during a performance of Hamlet.

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#2. You’re Doing It Wrong Santa

This is either Santa’s evil twin brother Stan Claus, or he has never experienced Christmas before. The colors are red and white Stan!

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#3. Santa the Deer Charmer

You might be thinking… “Hey what’s wrong with Santa playing a saxophone, that’s cool.” But, what’s really going on here is that Santa has studied the art of Snake Charming… sadly he’s substituted the usual snake, for Blitzen.

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#4. Santa macks on some Ho Ho Hos.

About one out of every 10 Santa images on the internet brings either a Sexy Santa Chick or a pic of Santa with a Sexy Chick. This is our favorite. She didn’t even bother dressing up in holiday attire, she’s just a hoe.

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#5. Santa Battles The Flash

Sure, we could assume that Flash made the Naughty List, and therefore Santa is only doing what is necessary. The bigger question is: Why are there three gun toting, short wearing Santas?

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#6. Santa Visits The Baby Jesus

He was left out of most Bibles, but according to this, Santa was indeed at the manger along with the other wise men. He didn’t bring frankincense, gold, or myrrh. Santa brought what Jesus really wanted, a Nintendo Wii.

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#7. Santa Twins

Honestly, we’ve got nothing on this one. Santa battling his evil twin Stan for a maraschino cherry? Anyone have any clue?

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#8. Santa Arrested

It was bound to happen. Santa is finally arrested for Breaking and Entering.

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#9. Santa On Vacation

Everyone deserves a break from their jobs. But isn’t there some kind of rule about men with bellies full of jelly keeping their shirts on at the beach?

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#10. Santa Battle Halloween Man

The caption in the top right says it all… “The Battle That Had To Happen, Halloween vs. Christmas!” The battle for holiday supremacy is one thing, but why in the hell are there three Fetish Nuns!?!?!?

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#11. Buttplug Santa Statue

Sure, you could make the excuse that Santa is simply holding a poorly made Christmas Tree in his hand. You could…

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#12. Smoking Is Cool Santa

Before is advertising contract with Coke came into play, Santa had to do something to make ends meet.

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#13. Santa The Ass Kicker

Halloween Man better watch his back, because this Santa means business.

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#14. Shaka Santa

It’s all groovy in Santa’s neighborhood. We just wish the picture was taken a little farther out, it’d be awesome to know what the statue is to the right.

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#15. Santa Riding A Reindeer Scooter

At Christmas, Santa uses the sleigh pulled by reindeer. The rest of the year, he rides this piece of crap.

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#16. Santa Shits Candy

We’ll quote Family Guy’s version of the Crazy Mickey Rooney on this one… “Open up your stockings kids!”

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#17. Santa Plays The Bongos

First, why would Santa ever need to play the bongos? Second… the “Try Me” sticker is a sad attempt at selling a ridiculous concept. “Try me… please?”

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#18. Naked Santa

Nothing says boner like a naked chick. Nothing says limp dick like a naked Santa.

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#19. The Night Jesus Met Santa Claus

We bet the illustrator of this book nearly lost it when he was given this task. “Um, yeah… we need you to draw Santa… on the floor of a house. With Jesus pointing at him. No, seriously.” We bet that CD is priceless too.

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#20. The Night Christmas Was Ruined For Everyone

At one point, everyone’s dad probably dressed up as Santa in a ploy to woo us into believing in a little Christmas magic. This, would be like doing the exact opposite.

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#21. Santa Moped Army

In America, we have the Hell’s Angels. In Japan, there’s Santa’s Moped Army.

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#22. Washed Up Santa

You try living with a bunch of elves and see if it doesn’t lead you to drinking yourself stupid.

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#23. Scary As Hell Santa

Someone please hold us.

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#24. Eco-friendly Santa

Everyone has to do their part to save the planet.

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#25. Santa Doom

The Fantastic Four thwarted Dr. Doom on hundreds of occasions. On this one, we bet they just let play out whatever retarded scheme he had thought up. You know, just for laughs.

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#26. Cracked Out Of His Skull Santa

The insane thing about this one, is that someone actually thought this was a good example of what ol’ Saint Nick looked like.

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#27. Dear Santa Claus…

Dear Santa Claus…. We’re sorry that we made this graphic, we were drunk and have no idea what we were thinking.

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#28. Santa Speared By A Jet Plane

Oh, we bet the big wigs at the airline just thought they were hilarious when they thought this up. It probably was funny, right up until the first couple of kids arrived to board the plane.

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#29. Live Phone Calls From Santa

Officially the worst Sex Chat Hotline in the world.

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#30. Santa Riding A Rocket Ship

What really happened when Rudolph couldn’t guide his sleigh.

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If you’ve seen or heard of a weird and bizarre Santa, tell us about it in the comments section!

The Bible is crazy weird sometimes. No doubt about it. These verses… they make me wanna curl up in a ball and cry they’re so bizarre.

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#1 – Psalm 137:9

“Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”

Whoa! Seriously, happy about throwing your kids around? Maybe a little too harsh a punishment for not eating your vegetables.

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#2 – 2 Kings 18:27

“But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?”

This guy was hardcore like Bear Grylls, suggesting that dining on poop and pee would be an enjoyable pastime.

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#3 – Deuteronomy 21:18-21

“If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.”

A very hardcore look at parenting. Obviously they didn’t believe in “time outs” in Bible times.

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#4 – Mark 14:51-52

“A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.”

History’s first recorded streaker perhaps?

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#5 – Ezekiel 16:17

“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.”

Obviously this was one of the less attractive relationships available, but, “better than being alone” some might argue.

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#6 – Judges 3:19-24

“But he himself turned back at the idols near Gilgal and said, ‘I have a secret message for you, O king.’ And he commanded, ‘Silence.’ And all his attendants went out from his presence. And Ehud came to him as he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. And Ehud said, ‘I have a message from God for you.’ And he arose from his seat. And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. Then Ehud went out into the porch and closed the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locked them. When he had gone, the servants came, and when they saw that the doors of the roof chamber were locked, they thought, ‘Surely he is relieving himself in the closet of the cool chamber.’“

Seriously, what? So, there’s a fat guy, and he gets stabbed, and he’s got poo coming out of his back, and the guards just assume that… you know what, nevermind.

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#7 – Deuteronomy 23:1

No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

Scary for anyone that has ever A.) been kicked in the balls, B.) racked themselves, or C.) forgot their cup during the big game.
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#8 – 1 Samuel 18:25-27

Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.

So, apparently long before Saturday Night Live, King David had done the “Dick in a box” trick.

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#9 -Numbers 11:18

“And tell the people to purify themselves, for tomorrow they will have meat to eat. Tell them, ‘The LORD has heard your whining and complaints: ‘If only we had meat to eat! Surely we were better off in Egypt!’ Now the LORD will give you meat, and you will have to eat it. And it won’t be for just a day or two, or for five or ten or even twenty. You will eat it for a whole month until you gag and are sick of it. For you have rejected the LORD, who is here among you, and you have complained to him, ‘Why did we ever leave Egypt?’“

Sure, at first you think. No biggie. I love steak. We love steak too. What about a baked potato? That sound nice too? TOO BAD, JUST MEAT FOR YOU!

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#10 – Ezekial 23:19-20

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

Oh my.

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Have any bizarre Bible verses you’d like to share? We know the Bible is full of them. Post your ideas in the Comments Section and we’ll add them to the list!