Ten Pro Athletes That Look Nothing Like “Pro Athletes”

Ah… Pro Athletes. What we wouldn’t give to be one. All the money, all the fame, all the sweet sports cars and giant houses. All of the babes trying to grab our junk.

But, our moms say we have no talent. That and we don’t have the right “look.”

Neither do these guys mom, but they still made it!

#1 – Troy Polamalu


Don’t get us wrong. Troy is one hell of a football player. But, he doesn’t exactly put off that, “Hey, I’m a jock, where’s the weight room?” look that we would associate with a true Man’s Man Pro Athlete. He looks more like…


Cher. Yeah, that Cher hair just can’t be missed.


#2 – Yao Ming


Yao Ming is huge. He doesn’t even have to jump to dunk… or to touch the moon.  We would imagine they sent this guy to America so he’d stop scaring the kids in his home country. He’s Godzilla big. Ming is like a giraffe on stilts… wearing a big hat.


Sure, the above picture has things mixed up a little… the giraffe has no hat, and the lion is the one on stilts. But, you can’t deny the fact that it’s hilarious. And the direct result of searching “giraffe on stilts + hat.”

#3 – Steve Nash


We like this guy. He’s a great ball player, and he is in a funny commercial where he demands that there’s a full sized whole banana in each bottle of the flavored water. That doesn’t sway the fact that he looks like…


I know what you’re thinking… we just put another picture of Steve Nash here. But, you’re wrong. That’s James Blunt. And Steve Nash looks like him.


#4 – Randy Johnson


Odds are Randy Johnson is a really nice guy. We almost feel bad for even including him on this list. But that doesn’t change the fact that he looks more like a Huge Redneck than a Pro Athlete.


“No, I don’t want to play baseball today… I’m busy.”


#5 – Sam Cassell


Sam… why are you on this list?



Continue reading Ten Pro Athletes That Look Nothing Like “Pro Athletes”

The 30 Most Bizarre Santas The Internet Has To Offer

There’s something entertaining about putting a random word into a search engine and seeing what the internet provides. It’s an entirely different story when you put in a word that should provide perfectly normal results, and you come up with things like the following. These are The 30 Most Bizarre Santas The Internet Has To Offer, enjoy!


#1. Santa Fights The Devil

It’s a known fact that in his war against the devil, Jesus recruits Saints to help in the battle. Santa, or Saint Nick was always found in the front lines. Here it looks like he caught Satan off guard during a performance of Hamlet.


#2. You’re Doing It Wrong Santa

This is either Santa’s evil twin brother Stan Claus, or he has never experienced Christmas before. The colors are red and white Stan!


#3. Santa the Deer Charmer

You might be thinking… “Hey what’s wrong with Santa playing a saxophone, that’s cool.” But, what’s really going on here is that Santa has studied the art of Snake Charming… sadly he’s substituted the usual snake, for Blitzen.


#4. Santa macks on some Ho Ho Hos.

About one out of every 10 Santa images on the internet brings either a Sexy Santa Chick or a pic of Santa with a Sexy Chick. This is our favorite. She didn’t even bother dressing up in holiday attire, she’s just a hoe.


#5. Santa Battles The Flash

Sure, we could assume that Flash made the Naughty List, and therefore Santa is only doing what is necessary. The bigger question is: Why are there three gun toting, short wearing Santas?


#6. Santa Visits The Baby Jesus

He was left out of most Bibles, but according to this, Santa was indeed at the manger along with the other wise men. He didn’t bring frankincense, gold, or myrrh. Santa brought what Jesus really wanted, a Nintendo Wii.


#7. Santa Twins

Honestly, we’ve got nothing on this one. Santa battling his evil twin Stan for a maraschino cherry? Anyone have any clue?


#8. Santa Arrested

It was bound to happen. Santa is finally arrested for Breaking and Entering.


#9. Santa On Vacation

Everyone deserves a break from their jobs. But isn’t there some kind of rule about men with bellies full of jelly keeping their shirts on at the beach?


#10. Santa Battle Halloween Man

The caption in the top right says it all… “The Battle That Had To Happen, Halloween vs. Christmas!” The battle for holiday supremacy is one thing, but why in the hell are there three Fetish Nuns!?!?!?


#11. Buttplug Santa Statue

Sure, you could make the excuse that Santa is simply holding a poorly made Christmas Tree in his hand. You could…


#12. Smoking Is Cool Santa

Before is advertising contract with Coke came into play, Santa had to do something to make ends meet.


#13. Santa The Ass Kicker

Halloween Man better watch his back, because this Santa means business.


#14. Shaka Santa

It’s all groovy in Santa’s neighborhood. We just wish the picture was taken a little farther out, it’d be awesome to know what the statue is to the right.


#15. Santa Riding A Reindeer Scooter

At Christmas, Santa uses the sleigh pulled by reindeer. The rest of the year, he rides this piece of crap.


#16. Santa Shits Candy

We’ll quote Family Guy’s version of the Crazy Mickey Rooney on this one… “Open up your stockings kids!”


#17. Santa Plays The Bongos

First, why would Santa ever need to play the bongos? Second… the “Try Me” sticker is a sad attempt at selling a ridiculous concept. “Try me… please?”


#18. Naked Santa

Nothing says boner like a naked chick. Nothing says limp dick like a naked Santa.


#19. The Night Jesus Met Santa Claus

We bet the illustrator of this book nearly lost it when he was given this task. “Um, yeah… we need you to draw Santa… on the floor of a house. With Jesus pointing at him. No, seriously.” We bet that CD is priceless too.


#20. The Night Christmas Was Ruined For Everyone

At one point, everyone’s dad probably dressed up as Santa in a ploy to woo us into believing in a little Christmas magic. This, would be like doing the exact opposite.


#21. Santa Moped Army

In America, we have the Hell’s Angels. In Japan, there’s Santa’s Moped Army.


#22. Washed Up Santa

You try living with a bunch of elves and see if it doesn’t lead you to drinking yourself stupid.


#23. Scary As Hell Santa

Someone please hold us.


#24. Eco-friendly Santa

Everyone has to do their part to save the planet.


#25. Santa Doom

The Fantastic Four thwarted Dr. Doom on hundreds of occasions. On this one, we bet they just let play out whatever retarded scheme he had thought up. You know, just for laughs.


#26. Cracked Out Of His Skull Santa

The insane thing about this one, is that someone actually thought this was a good example of what ol’ Saint Nick looked like.


#27. Dear Santa Claus…

Dear Santa Claus…. We’re sorry that we made this graphic, we were drunk and have no idea what we were thinking.


#28. Santa Speared By A Jet Plane

Oh, we bet the big wigs at the airline just thought they were hilarious when they thought this up. It probably was funny, right up until the first couple of kids arrived to board the plane.


#29. Live Phone Calls From Santa

Officially the worst Sex Chat Hotline in the world.


#30. Santa Riding A Rocket Ship

What really happened when Rudolph couldn’t guide his sleigh.


If you’ve seen or heard of a weird and bizarre Santa, tell us about it in the comments section!

10 Of The Most Bizarre Bible Verses Ever

The Bible is crazy weird sometimes. No doubt about it. These verses… they make me wanna curl up in a ball and cry they’re so bizarre.


#1 – Psalm 137:9

“Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”

Whoa! Seriously, happy about throwing your kids around? Maybe a little too harsh a punishment for not eating your vegetables.


#2 – 2 Kings 18:27

“But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?”

This guy was hardcore like Bear Grylls, suggesting that dining on poop and pee would be an enjoyable pastime.


#3 – Deuteronomy 21:18-21

“If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.”

A very hardcore look at parenting. Obviously they didn’t believe in “time outs” in Bible times.


#4 – Mark 14:51-52

“A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.”

History’s first recorded streaker perhaps?


#5 – Ezekiel 16:17

“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.”

Obviously this was one of the less attractive relationships available, but, “better than being alone” some might argue.


#6 – Judges 3:19-24

But he himself turned back at the idols near Gilgal and said, ‘I have a secret message for you, O king.’ And he commanded, ‘Silence.’ And all his attendants went out from his presence. And Ehud came to him as he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. And Ehud said, ‘I have a message from God for you.’ And he arose from his seat. And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. Then Ehud went out into the porch and closed the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locked them. When he had gone, the servants came, and when they saw that the doors of the roof chamber were locked, they thought, ‘Surely he is relieving himself in the closet of the cool chamber.’

Seriously, what? So, there’s a fat guy, and he gets stabbed, and he’s got poo coming out of his back, and the guards just assume that… you know what, nevermind.


#7 – Deuteronomy 23:1

No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

Scary for anyone that has ever A.) been kicked in the balls, B.) racked themselves, or C.) forgot their cup during the big game.

#8 – 1 Samuel 18:25-27

Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.

So, apparently long before Saturday Night Live, King David had done the “Dick in a box” trick.


#9 -Numbers 11:18

“And tell the people to purify themselves, for tomorrow they will have meat to eat. Tell them, ‘The LORD has heard your whining and complaints: ‘If only we had meat to eat! Surely we were better off in Egypt!’ Now the LORD will give you meat, and you will have to eat it. And it won’t be for just a day or two, or for five or ten or even twenty. You will eat it for a whole month until you gag and are sick of it. For you have rejected the LORD, who is here among you, and you have complained to him, ‘Why did we ever leave Egypt?’

Sure, at first you think. No biggie. I love steak. We love steak too. What about a baked potato? That sound nice too? TOO BAD, JUST MEAT FOR YOU!


#10 – Ezekial 23:19-20

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

Oh my.


Have any bizarre Bible verses you’d like to share? We know the Bible is full of them. Post your ideas in the Comments Section and we’ll add them to the list!

5 People Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

Don’t let people fool you, everyone in the world is looking for someone to love, and to be loved by. It’s ingrained in the human psyche to long for affection, comfort, respect, and affirmation. Sometimes that desire is so strong, people are willing to attach themselves to inanimate objects, a trait called Objectophilia. Johnny Lee’s song “Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places” is all about the troubles and heartaches involved in finding the right person to love. We’re pretty sure these people were the inspiration of every damn word that Johnny sang.

It’s the Top 5 People Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places!


The Lover: Erika La Tour Eiffel

The Loved: The Eiffel Tower

Erika is a former soldier who lives in San Francisco, California. Being a woman who suffered assorted trauma as a child, she grew up unable to form lasting, loving relationships with other humans. This might make you feel sorry for Erika, but don’t. She’s quite content with her love life, and has probably had more relationships than you. Her first love was named Lance, a bow. No, not boy… bow. As in archery. As in, not Robin Hood, but his trusty ash bow and arrows. As in, this lady liked archery so much that she fell in love with the bow that helped her become a world class archer. Young love is short and sweet, and Erika eventually moved on to a relationship with the Berlin Wall, and has also carried on a long term physical relationship with a piece of fence she keeps in her bedroom. We’re not sure what kind of fence, and we don’t want to imagine.

She now only has eyes for the Eiffel Tower and even legally changed her last name to make the union official in the eyes of the court. The crazy court. This most recent foray took her half way across the world to Paris, France where she joined the Parisian landmark in Holy Matrimony on June 4th, 2008. Though the ceremony lacked much of the pomp and circumstance that is popular at a regular wedding, it was attended by 12 of Erika’s closest friends, 20 pigeons, and about 500 other people that just happened to be climbing around on her beloved tower.


The Lover: Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer

The Loved: The Berlin Wall

Eija has spent much of her adult life in a relationship she developed as a child of 7. The object of her desire was spotted on television in her parent’s house back in 1961, and she knew it was meant to be. She was going to being Mrs. Berlin Wall. The wall was constructed by the Soviets and immediately caught Eija’s eye, due to the way the wall was built. “I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy,” she’s quoted as saying. If that’s the case…

Mrs. Berliner-Mauer, which is German for Mrs. Berlin Wall, lives in Northern Sweden, married the wall on her 6th visit to it. Her ceremony was simple, and shared by a few close friends. When asked if there’s any other walls she finds good looking? She said “”The Great Wall of China’s attractive, but he’s too thick – my husband is sexier.” This just goes to show you, that everyone, even Objectophiliacs are more into looks than personality. The Great Wall is a nice guy, so what if he’s a little “thick.” As if to confirm our theory, after the Berlin Wall was “torn down”, Eijn complained that they had mutilated her husband and has since started up a relationship with a nearby yard fence. Really, another fence?


The Lover: Joachim A.

The Loved:  A Steam Locomotive

Though Joachim A. hasn’t taken the plunge and married his Steam Locomotive. He’s been pretty faithful to it for the past few years. You see, guys just have a harder time settling down. And with good reason, Joachim says “We’re by no means just straightforward fetishists” referring to himself and other like minded Object Lovers. With people attuned to objectophilia, it’s not about having nice things so you can score with chicks. It’s all about having nice things so you can score with the nice things. Like a sweet sports car.

Joachim, 41, was only 12 when he realized that he was different. He fell head over heels “into an emotionally and physically very complex and deep relationship, which lasted for years” with a freaking pipe organ. Sure, most 12 year olds are liable to hump just about anything being that they are at the peek of puberty. But, whereas most young men are flipping through a J.C. Penny’s catalog to look at the bra section, Joachim got his rocks off from the technical workings of machines. Kind of how a woman can get off with a vibrator, only not even remotely arousing to watch.


The Lover: Taichi Takashita

The Loved: A Comic Book

Who hasn’t fallen in love with a character in a book or magazine? i know plenty of guys who have spent quality time with a Playboy magazine in a room with a locked door. The thing is, those relationships only last a couple of minutes. For Taichi Takashita, it’s a more long-term relationship that he’s after. On his website, he has written, “I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world.” Takashita, is looking to hook up with a comic book. In Japan, it is illegal for anyone to marry anyone or anything other than a member of the opposite sex, but,  Taichi is out to change that. And you know what, he might just be on to something…

He has started a website that he is using to petition the government to change their laws. He needs 1 Million signatures to even draw any attention, so far he has one thousand. But that’s only after a week. If he keeps his current pace, he’ll have reached his goal in a little over 19 years. So, don’t hold your breath. Japanese comics, or manga are beloved by young and old alike, and some often take that love to extremes. Even current Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso recently complained to the media because he has been “too busy” to enjoy his comics.


The Lover: Ulli Hopper

The Loved: A Pineapple

By far the “sweetest” relationship on our list is one that only happened on a whim. Ulli Hopper, better known as German Pop Star Ramma Damma picked up his bride for around $16 dollars 38 years ago, and married her in Scotland. Tippi, the pineapple, and Hopper honeymooned in Gretna Green. Gretna Green is a town on the West Coast of Scotland, and was home to one of the original folk stories of a person marrying an inanimate object. There, according to legend, a local blacksmith wed his anvil. The town, along with all of Scotland, was, in the past at least, wide open to “irregular marriages.” Being a haven of sorts, not unlike Las Vegas in the United States, for those who wished to get married when they shouldn’t. Kind of like both of Britney Spear’s weddings.

In his hometown of Munich, Ulli Hopper is a conservationist known as the Green Rebel, the only Rebel less intimidating than the Yellow Rebel that refuses to eat mustard, lemons, squash, and bananas. In Germany, he runs the nation’s only plant sanctuary, home to over 300 plants. He’s completely self sufficient, growing his own food and brewing his own Plum Cider. I guess you would need to be pretty self sufficient if your wife was a pineapple and probably rotted away a couple months after you got married.


If you’ve been inspired (and by “inspired” we mean, made you laugh) to try a relationship with an inanimate object, say your Nintendo Wii or your favorite flavor of Fruit By The Foot, this website actually offers advice on how to go about your relationship. Who knows, it might even work out better than the last trainwreck you called a date.

Also, for some more fun, be sure to check out on BBC Men in love with life sized dolls.