We love to watch fighting. It’s in our blood to enjoy a battle between two foes. Just this past Saturday night I was torn between not one, but two television shows featuring men beating up other men. Sunday night, friends and I paid money to watch guys beat up other guys on a pay-per-view. And then the night before last, I watched a movie 2 1/2 hours long with dudes fighting and killing dudes to stay alive.
Wars and violence have plagued man kind since the day the first cave man hit another cave man with a stick for checking out “his hoe”. And fighting will most likely continue until it kills us all in some nuclear holocaust. However, in life there’s going to be some brawls that we never get the pleasure to see. Not because they’re too epic to conceive, but because the fighters would never actually have the chance to meet in the real world… and because no one likes us.
But, what if. What if God smiled down upon us for just a moment, and made our wildest dreams come true. Not those dreams perv, the dreams of our childhood, where we pitted Ninja Turtles vs. Wrestlers and Lego Men vs. Our Dog.
Today, I present to you the Top 10 Epic Battles That Will Never Happen But You Wish Would.
We’ll start with one that could happen at some zoos across the world on a daily basis, if it weren’t for the damned cages and fences and animal rights activists.
The Kodiak Bear vs. The Great White Shark
Right off the bat I realize we have a problem with this fight. Where is it going to take place? Put the fight on land and the Kodiak obviously has the upper hand being that he can walk and all, and then on the flip side, put the bear in the ocean, and the Great White would swim circles around him. I suppose that leaves us with only one choice… the air. We’ll equip each of the beasts with jetpacks and have them fight in the air.
The Kodiak Bear will max out as an adult around 13 ft in length and can weigh up to 2000 lbs on a good diet. However, a more average weight throughout the year for a full grown male is 1200 lbs. The Kodiak feeds off of fish, carrion, roots, and berries. But don’t let it’s diet fool you, the Kodiak is not a push over. Able to run as fast as a Thoroughbred Horse and strong enough to knock the face right off of anyone stupid enough to mess with it, this bear knows how to tussle. An adult has no natural enemies, and it’s easy to see why.
The Great White Shark can reach lengths of 20 feet and can weigh more than 5000 lbs, though a more typical shark will be around 15 feet long and in the 1500 lb range. Two rows of razor sharp serrated teeth make the Great White’s massive jaws much like saws to tear away at the flesh of it’s victims. Those victims include seals, whales, fish, and even sea turtles. Able to smell blood miles away and able to eat and kill just about anything it wants to in the ocean, the Great White is considered an Apex Carnivore, with only Humans as enemies. Which is silly, because humans are pussies.
It’s Omnivore vs. Carnivore as Bear meets Shark. Who wins? Well, I was really pulling for the bear right up until the point where I found out that it eats berries. Sure it eats fish too, but sharks don’t even know what a vegetable is, let alone what one would taste like. The shark is a hunter, through and through. The bear, sleeps a lot and steals pickanick baskets from campers.
Winner: The Great White Shark
Our next fight combines the old with the new. A classic vs. a new standard. And I swear, it would be sweet.
Bruce Lee vs. Ryu
Oh snap son, it’s about to get ugly in here! On the left you have a man who made martial arts popular and on the right, you have reason I don’t speak to my cousin anymore. You see, back when I was 11, I received a Super Nintendo for Christmas, and along with it, the Street Fighter 2 game. My cousin and I high-fived each other and ran to hook it up. We picked up our controllers, and as I started to pick a player, he picked him first. Ryu. “Just be Ken” he said, “They’re the exact same.” Oh no, actually they aren’t. I don’t want that blonde headed sissy boy. I want Ryu. And then we had a street fight of our own. No one really speaks of the Christmas of ’91 around our house anymore.
Bruce Lee is a martial arts god. But, he was more than that, he literally was a cultural icon. He starred in movies along side people that were famous and made the western side of the world open it’s eyes to a whole new interest in Chinese martial arts. He taught and mastered many art forms including Jujitsu, Jeet Kune Do, even developing his own called, Jun Fan Gung Fu which literally means “Bruce’s Gung Fu.” A great actor and philosopher, and basically a bad ass. His signature move was the “One Inch Punch” where Bruce would stand casually in front of his sparring partner, right arm extended to within one inch of his chest, and without retracting his arm delivered a punch sending the opponent to the ground, crying like a little girl.
Ryu has been in fighting games on some level for over 18 years. Trained in a nameless martial arts style which pulls the most powerful skills from many different styles Ryu is versatile. Combine these basic fundamental skills with the powerful Shun Goku Satsu which allows him to focus his energies into powerful attacks such as the Shoryuken. His signature move is the Dragon Punch which starts with Ryu crouching in front of his opponent, jumping into the air, and delivering an uppercut which blazes across the opposition’s chest and impacting the chin.
Considering the differences, I think both of these opponents are fairly even. Of course, Bruce Lee is master of many arts, whereas Ryu is essentially a master of none. I think it’s fair to say that Bruce has an upper hand. Both starred in movies, both have video games, but only Ryu has a fireball that he can shoot out of his hands. Bruce Lee however, is the only one of the two to have his own martial arts style named after him.
Winner: Bruce Lee
Next up is a battle of might and muscle. Two men, one talent… being ridiculously strong.
Hercules vs. Samson
One man is the son of a god and the other derived his power from God. Both men are super strong and killed beasts just to prove it. And oddly enough, it looks like they both had their portraits done by the same artist.
Hercules is the son of Zeus and a mortal woman so he is what’s called a demi-god. Known for his incredible strength and courage Hercules braved many foes. Allow me to list just a few. He killed the multi-headed Hydra, he slew the giant Antaeus by bear hugging him, spent a year rounding up a herd of cattle, and killed a fire breathing dude named Cacus by “gripping so tightly that his eyes popped out and there was no blood left in his throat.” Hercules was hard core. No doubt. But, he wasn’t just a fighter, Hercules was a lover too. Not only did he kill hundreds upon hundreds of people and beasts. But he probably screwed just as many. And by screwed I mean, had lots of sex with.
Samson was granted his strength by his belief in the Lord. Through his faith he accomplished tasks that would blow your mind. But, it was all on one condition… that he didn’t shave or cut his hair. No problem. Here goes Samson, on a quest to be awesome he fights a Lion and whips it’s ass. Samson gets mad at a man who won’t let him date his daughter and ties torches to the tails of 300 foxes, these foxes scattered and burned the crops. Of course this upsets everyone and Samson fights 1000 Philistines with only the use of the jawbone of an ass killing them all dead. But, as perfect as this story is going for Samson, it’s not all glory and fist bumps. Samson is eventually seduced, and has his hair cut off and power taken away by a woman. Don’t worry though, Samson gets even after his hair grows back and pushes over a temple killing a bunch more people and ruining their Mary Kay party.
At first glance I’m sure you’re thinking… pfft, Samson didn’t kill any cool monsters. No, no he didn’t. And sure, he wasn’t the son of a god. But, here’s the clincher. Remember all of those people Hercules was gettin it on with? Well, about half of those people were guys. Yeah, the book Eroticos says that Hercules’ eromenoi (male lovers) were “beyond counting.” Sure Samson lost his strength but at least it was because of a woman! We’re not havin’ no penis lovin’ winners in these battles!
A twist of fate brings our next two combatants to battle. It’s not very often you find two dudes that are so awesome, and are actually just one dude. The same dude.
Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones
Oh boy. Where do we start. Harrison Ford you’ve made many a fanboy giddy with joy whether it be shooting a blaster or hanging with a giant teddy bear, or cracking a whip and cracking a joke. But, which of you would win a fight?
Han Solo is a smuggler who teams up with the Rebels in the Original Trilogy of Star Wars. Along side Chewbacca, his Wookie co-pilot he offers aid in defeating the Evil Empire. Han is a master pilot and his ship the Millenium Falcon is one of the fastest in the galaxy. He’s faced Storm Troopers, Bounty Hunters, and Hutts using his wit, charm, and intelect to save the day and get the girl.
Indiana Jones is a Professor of Archeology with his Doctorate. A master puzzle solver, and bull whip user Indiana does things that no teacher of mine ever did except for that one History of Bullwhipping Class I took at the community college. Among his achievements; discovering the Ark of the Covenant, finding the Holy Grail, and the Skull of an Alien. All the while avoiding confrontation with his only fear, snakes. Indy has fought off Nazis, Arabs, and most recently Aliens using his wit, charm, and intelect to save the day and get the girl.
How can you choose a winner? Both of these men are winners in my book. Great action, great outfits, both picked up hot chicks. It’d be like trying to pick a winner between Rocky and Rambo, it’s just not right, and I’m not gonna do it. (Rambo would kill Rocky by the way… c’mon he has guns!)
Winner: George Lucas
There’s about a hundred awesome robots out there that I would love to see fight each other. Johnny 5 from Short Circuit vs. Optimus Prime from the Autobots or the Arnold version Terminator vs. A Teddy Ruxpin Doll. But the following two robots rocked our faces as kids, and they’ll still rock them even today.
Voltron vs. Gundam
Pew Pew Pew, BOOM! Dude, I can barely type I’m so psyched about this battle. Two giant robots, one battlefield full of badassery.
Voltron brings together the power of 5 Giant Robot Lions controlled by 5 kids. Kinda far fetched, sure, but not so much as the fact that this robot was apparently one giant robot in the past that was separated and sent away. Long story short, the pieces were rounded up and they protect the planet of Arus from the evil King Zarkon. Standing over 190 feet tall, Voltron is a huge freaking robot with the ability to shoot lazers from his eyes, fire boomerangs from his chest, flames from hands, and create a “Blazing Sword” with which he smites his enemies.
Gundam is one solid robot that was designed to fight wars in space. More of a mech suit then a sentient being, the Gundam is controlled by a pilot who uses the suit to fight wars that revolve around “current event” type settings; political dissagreements, who drink the last beer, etc. Gundam Suits stood about 57 feet tall and came in many different forms depending on the need. Offensively, the Gundam sports large multi-barreled cannons concealed beneath the blue pods on either arm in addition to a pair of small Vulcan guns mounted on the head and the ubiquitous backpack-stored beam sabers.
When I first picked these two guys out it was based solely on their appearance and the incredible cartoons they starred in. After doing this research I found that the Gundam gave up over over 140 feet in height. So there’s a disadvantage. Although Voltron is bigger he would also be more cumbersome and slower, so the Gundam would be faster. Of course, Gundam can’t turn into 5 Lions either, so it’s shit out of luck on the coolness scale.
Also in the world of giants comes the following two monsters. Gather in the kids ma, this one’s gonna be a doozie!
Godzilla vs. The Balrog
One of these guys made a living chasing around Japanese people and basically being a dick, the other made a living chasing around Hobbits and pretty much being a douche. Going head to head, who’s the bigger pain in the ass?
Godzilla came on the scene in 1954 rising from the waters surrounding Japan to destroy things. He stands at well over 100 feet tall and is a cross between a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a Stegosaurus. His main powers stem from atomic energy, and his main weapon “Atomic Breath” is the build up of energy inside himself released from the mouth, kindof like my wife’s gas. The ridges on Godzilla’s back glow when he’s ready to fire. He’s bested many a giant monster in his day including Mothra, King Kong, and Ghidorah.
The Balrog is a monster from Middle Earth and actually has close ties to Gandalf, Saruman, and Sauron. They’re all from the same order, and the Balrogs where the ones that were corrupted and changed the most by evil. The size of the Balrog depends on it’s needs. If it wants to fit through a doorway it can, but on the flip side can rise up to a great height to change a light bulb or to impose fear upon it’s enemies. Using a sword and whip made of flame, it’s a foe not to be trifled with whether elf, wizard, or dwarf. It’s said that only dragons rivaled them in power.
We’re not gonna beat around the bush here. The Balrog and Godzilla are not even on the same playing field. Godzilla has tackled monster after monster, and I’m sure plenty of them said something along the lines of “You shall not pass!” in their own garbled monster language. Did Godzilla listen? No, he slapped ’em around a bit and then blew toxic belches at them. The Balrog on the other hand was told “You shall not pass!” by a little wizard man, and he listened. He didn’t pass at all. He fell. Into a hole. And got laughed at. By hobbits.
Traveling back in time would be so sweet, and if any of us had a choice we’d probably do it. And if any of us had a time machine, we’d probably be looking in the manual to find out how to set it to go back to “Dinosaur Times” or “That one time in college.”
Velociraptor vs. Smilodon
We’ve already seen T-Rex vs. Raptor in Jurassic Park, and sure, I’d love to do a rematch of that. But, it’s been done. This hasn’t. Reptile vs. Mammal. Cat vs. Lizard.
Velociraptor popped onto Earth during the late Cretaceous Period and immediately started killing things just to prove it had the biggest balls. Don’t let the movies fool you however, the Raptors weren’t big boys at all. In fact they were just under 7 feet in length including tail, and weighed just under 40 lbs. But, that’s 40 lbs of mean and nasty. It’s primary weapons are on it’s feet in the form of 2 1/2 inch claws that are sickle shaped. These claws were razor sharp and could deliver a fatal blow to prey in one swift kick.
The Smilodon, or Sabre Toothed Tiger as it’s more widely known debuted around 2.5 million years ago in North and South America. Weighing in around 500-600 lbs on a good day, the Smilodon preyed upon mammoths and starred in movies including 10,000 B.C. Many believe that it hunted in packs and upon wrestling prey to the ground would deliver a killing blow to the jugular with teeth that could be as long as 7 inches.
Once again, I’m surprised at the size difference of our combatants. Smilodon outweighes Velociraptor by more than 550 lbs on average. Considering the fact that both animals normally run in packs, I don’t see this fight ever coming about. Now, if both of our fighters were at a bar perhaps, and have had a few too many drinks… Raptor gets in Smilodon’s face about politics and Smilodon calls his mom a whore… Raptor throws his cigarette in Smilodon’s drink and Smilodon goes for the bite to the jugular…
Up until now it’s been battles between individuals, and after looking at our last fight I thought about how much different it would be if the battles were instead fought by groups of people. Crazy people with swords and axes and shit.
Vikings vs. Samurai
One group of warriors has a football team named after them and the other has a small Suzuki SUV named after them. Yeah, this battle is a little one side already.
The Viking is a combination of many types of people from Scandinavian backround. They were a cross between warriors, explorers, and pirates. Hailing from Russia, Norway, Sweden, Iceland, and other cold shitty places the Vikings set out to find and take what wasn’t theirs just to have sex with it. Primary weapons included axes, fire, swords, fire, maces, fire, and more fire. Vikings originated naval warfare before anyone else in the world. That’s what made them so deadly. That and the fire. At one point Vikings under leaders such as Erik the Red and Leif Eriksson held control over most of Europe.
Samurai were the military nobility of pre-industrial Japan. There was no higher honor or duty then being a Samurai. During feudal Japan hundreds of thousands of Samurai fought for power, at one point an army of 160,000 was assembled to invade neighboring China. At the time, the next largest force by comparison was in Spain, they had only 30,000, and they were all sissies. Using katana and bows as their primary weapons until firearms were introduced in the mid 1500’s the samurai didn’t play around.
Ring the Bell! The Vikings have just burned all the Samurai and pissed in their cereal. This fight is over!
Swords are the coolest thing around. No doubt about it. These guys know swords. And how to show a little too much skin.
He-man vs. Lion-O
Like two peas in a pod, I present to you a couple of the most popular characters from the 80’s. Both of these guys have cool friends, with the exception of Orko and Snarff, and both have evil enemies. And they’re about to kick each other’s teeth in.
He-Man, the “Most Powerful Man in the Universe” is in reality (*spoiler alert*) Prince Adam of Eternia. He garners his ability from Castle Grayskull, and to call upon that power he must raise his Power Sword above his head and shout “By the power of Grayskull… I have the power!” . Power was a recurring theme apparently in the eighties. On his side are his allies Man-At-Arms, Teela, Ram Man, and Battle Cat just to name a few. His claim at being the “Most Powerful Man in the Universe” shouldn’t be questioned, he’s traded blows with Superman at one point, and has even “picked up and thrown Castle Grayskull into another dimension.” That’s right, he picked up a fucking castle, and threw it… into another dimension.
Lion-O and his friends come from the dieing world of Thundera. Lion-O is the leader and hereditary Lord of the Thundercats and wields the power of the Sword of Omens, which has the Eye of Thundera imbedded in it’s hilt. This eye allows Lion-O to see across long distances. His Claw Shield acts as a defensive tool, and also contains grappling lines. On Lion-O’s side are his friends and protectors Jaga, Tygra, Panthro, Cheetara, Wilykat, Wilykit, and Snarf. Lion-O has learned to use the Anointment Trials which allow for greater speed, strength, and wisdom. He also has the ability to control all cats, which means that he’s to blame for the LOLcats website. Please send hate mail to email@example.com.
This is a close one, without a doubt these two guys are on virtually the same plane. Swords, friends, powers, and revealing outfits. I love them both, and to be honest if picking one of these two guys to be a winner is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right. Screw that, Lion-O is always Lion-O, no changing, no I need to shout things to get powerful bullshit, and besides… Lion-O could always just control Battle Cat and tell him to throw up hair balls all over He-Man’s bed.
Sneaky dudes in black outfits are badass. If those same dudes are ninjas, even better. If those same dudes also have cool gear and can kick your head in 6 different ways, you’re going to be doing backflips. Or wait, maybe it’s them that’ll be doing the backflips and you’ll be the guy who just got laid out and your shoes knocked off.
Batman vs. Snake Eyes
I need to go write this movie right freaking now. This idea is about as unbelievable as any I’ve ever had, and I invented Post It Notes. Who’ll prevail?
Batman is the Dark Knight, the secret identity of billionaire Bruce Wayne. He is an icon of super heroes. He’s gone toe to toe with Superman and lived. He’s got a rogues gallery full of crazy lunatics that are all out to kill him and he lives. Sure, he’s got a few tools up his sleeves to aid him in the process. You wouldn’t expect a guy like him to just walk into a fight empty handed. Oh no. Batarangs, Batmobiles, Batplanes, Batboats, Batcycles, etc. At one point Batman even used a Bat-Shark repellent. He’s a trained martial artist, expert detective, and he’s an excellent cook. Nah, he doesn’t cook. But, he did become Batman because he saw his parents killed and then fell into a well. So, he’s probably got “crazy” on his resume.
Snake Eyes, which as far as I know is probably just a code name for Snake Eyes was in Vietnam when he met up with his soon to be mortal enemy Storm Shadow. Storm Shadow saved Snake Eyes during the war, and eventually trained in the ninja arts with him under the same clan leader. A skilled ninja, swordsmen, marksmen, and all around bad sonofa bitch Snake Eyes has fought Cobra and The Decepticons alongside his fellow Joes. Never one to speak much, he says everything he needs to say with a sword and a machine gun. Although if he were to speak, I’d imagine his vocabulary would include a lot of “you’re going to die” and “you’re already dead” and “I slept with your girlfriend”.
Now, it seems as if both men have beat up robots at some point in his career so there’s a tie. Both men are trained ninjas, so tie there as well. Both are masked, so that’s cool. Both have cool vehicles, though not all of Snake Eyes’ rides are named after him. Snake Eyes does carry a gun, so that might give him the upper hand were it not for the fact that Batman’s armor is for the most part bullet proof. Of course, Batman just might have a Bat-Snake Eyes Repellent on that utility belt. So, that’d kind ruin your day if you were named Snake Eyes. I love them both, but this fight is in the books.
There’s probably hundreds of battles that would make any fan boy or scientist wet his pants, and if you have any ideas you’d like to read about, please pass them along. Or if you disagree with a choice, post and tell me why. I’ll ignore you and call you a bastard, but please, pass along the tips.
As for me, I’m gonna go start writing the movie that is gonna make me millions. “Batman and Snake Eyes vs. A Bunch of Vikings riding on the back of Smilodons and Sharks.”