Oh Happy Day!
I got to go to the Dollar Store the other day!
And nothing makes me more happy!
Than getting things that are so crappy!
I love getting stuff. Especially stuff that I don’t really need. I suppose that it makes me feel like one of those rich people that buys planes, cars, and pools even though they already own planes, cars, and pools. I like getting things I don’t need, and adding them to a collection of other stuff I don’t have any reason to own. Then I can be like: “Hey, look at all this stuff I have that I don’t need.” And secretly I think to myself. “Yeah, they’re impressed. They don’t have this kind of stuff.” And the best place for me to fulfill my desire for stuff I don’t need, is the Dollar Store.
The Dollar Store is the only place I can go in with nothing in my pocket, and still come out with something spectacular. And recently, I did just that.
The treasures I brought out of that store would make a pirate weep. I was the owner of the coolest of the coolest of things. The first thing I found however, worried me.
The “Fun Bubbles” Play Set. Seemingly harmless of course. What harm could come from bubbles. Bubbles are fun, and good wholesome entertainment for the entire family. This toy shouldn’t really be a big issue. But oh, then I looked a little closer.
Look at this kid. He’s not actually enjoying bubbles. He’s enjoying his first BONG! I couldn’t believe it. Ages 4+ it says. It might as well say, “Good for everyone who wants to dabble in the illegal substances available on the streets.” This poor child didn’t know what was he was getting into. Check out that smile. The innocence.
I can only imagine this child’s future after playing with the “toy”.
ARE YOU READY KIDS?! OOOOOOooooooohhhhhh!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Wasted, and Baked, and Red-eyed is he!
Let’s move on.
The Magic Growing Beast.
“You may not become a beast trainer, but you can grow one!”
OMG! LOL. Just add water it says. And I can become a grower of beasts. Or beast trainers. I guess it’s all in how you read it.
It looks harmless enough sure. And of course the package tells me up front that I’m not going to become a Beast Trainer. So I have nothing to fear.
“Fill with clean water…” Then what? I didn’t know. The words just kinda trail off there. White letters over a partially white backdrop? Sounds grand, print it!
The package did nothing else to guide me. So, of course. I put the item in my mouth.
But, of course the package came with a warning. And of course, it’s a warning that most kids, and twenty-somethings would not give any credit too, or even notice until it was too late.
“Do not swallow.”
DO NOT SWALLOW?!?! What kid would even consider such a thing!?!? It’s not like this was a package of Pringles. I tell you this with the upmost of authority. This warning should be on the front of the package, not on the back.
After an hour or so, I was able to make it back to my prizes.
The next item I found at the Dollar Store was something that should not even be in my possession. Or anyone’s possession for that matter. It should still be in it’s glass cage.
We’ve all seen them, the 25 cent machines, offering prizes galore. Prizes worth much more than the price it takes to play. And of course you never get anything close to the value of the items advertised.
But, they look so damn appealing. “I can be a winner for just 25 cents!”
I wasn’t a winner.
Domes of Joy these were not. The quarter machine claimed it held “Sweet Prizes”. What I got was from from Sweet, and certainly no prize. I got two plastic girls from the movie “Grease”.
Just look at them. Pieces of crap worth less than the 25 cents I paid for ‘em. However, I do like the effort they went to, giving them personality. The girl on the left… Betty, has a leather jacket and is a bad to the bone biker chick. Stacey is her polar opposite, she chews gum, blows bubbles, and wears pink. I especially like the way Stacey tilts a little to the side. Almost as if Betty has spiked her milkshake with liquor in a cruel joke to impress her friends down at the Shake Shop. But, I suppose there’s worse things I could buy…
But this friends, was not one of those things. “A Surprise For A Boy” offered the chance to redeem this trip and the $5 I had spent at the Dollar Store. I’m not gonna lie and say that I wasn’t completely thrilled to open this package. It could’ve contained nothing more than a note saying “Surprise” and I would’ve been just as happy with the results. But, A Surprise For A Boy did not let me down.
I’m a boy, and this was a surprise. And in my mind, it was Christmas in July.
That face should say it all. This dollar was well spent.
No, I’m not about to poop on myself. I am making the face that anyone would make after finding out that they had just unearthed a Giant Plastic Grasshopper…
…and Giant Plastic Bat.
And of course. I did what anyone in their right mind would do.
But, the Grasshopper and Bat were not all I found inside this Prize of Prizes.
I had also become the proud owner of an official USGI Action Set.
The USGI Action Set, easily the Creme de la Creme of playsets offered up not one, but 6 Action Figures. These guys were replicas of soldiers fighting for our freedom against… something. And thank goodness they were fighting.
Otherwise, plastic women from the movie “Grease” and Giant Grasshoppers would be killing us all. Or humping us. I’m not sure which.
Could I have spent my 5 dollars elsewhere and been been better served? I’ll leave that decision up to you. But I know this, I’m 5 dollars poorer.
That’s it, no words of wisdom. I’m 5 dollars poorer.