October 2008 – Page 3 – GremlinDog.com

Sarah Palin is Smarter Than… A Top 10 List

Poor Sarah Palin. She’s taking a lot of grief lately with Katie Couric throwing all of those hard questions at her. Then to go on national television to debate and be asked to answer more hard questions without any sort of prep time. And of course Saturday Night Live is doing it’s part in making the Governor look like a dummy. But, we’re here to clear a few things up. Recently hired by the McCain-Palin ticket, Gremlindog.com is on task to prove that Sarah Palin is no idiot. In fact, she’s quite intelligent. And this list is just the beginning of the proof.

May We Present:

Sarah Palin is Smarter Than… A Top 10 List!

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#1 Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina

Sarah Palin can certainly empathize with Ms. Upton on the difficulties involved in some Beauty Contests. She’s been there before. But, Gov. Palin has never botched something up as bad as this. Gov. Palin already has a 3 Point Plan to eliminate the Map Shortages Worldwide.

#2 These Construction Workers

As Governor of a State where most of it’s structures are built of ice, Sarah Palin hasn’t come into contact with many problems like this. But, she guarantees that if elected, she’ll make sure all cars will be able to fly by the year 2010, so tragedies such as this don’t take place.

#3 Team Rocket

Never before has a team up been as unsuccessful as has Team Rocket. Elect McCain-Palin in 2008, and Sarah guarantees that the Maverick duo will have Pikachu captured in 12 to 16 months.

#4 Albert Einstein’s Statue

Sarah is not one to brag, but she feels pretty confident that she is indeed smarter than Albert Einstein’s Statue. E=MC², try doing that math when you’re made of cast bronze biotch.

#5 Tom Selleck’s Mustache

Though often distracted by his dashing good looks and massive rug of chest hair, Sarah Palin has on more than one occasion beaten Tom Selleck’s mustache at a game of Chess.

#6 A Caveman

Gov. Palin asked that we make it clear that she has no beef with the Cavemen from the Geico Commercials she sees on her magic talking picture box. They seem to be well spoken gentlemen, but, she’s smarter and prettier.

#7 Two Goats

Taking on not one, but two goats is no easy task for anyone. But, Sarah Palin has proven that she is more than capable of handling these little buggers in any test of skill. Providing said skill is not Algebra. And please, keep the total of goats at two and no more.

#8 The Duct Tape Thief

First of all, Sarah Palin wants to extend her condolences to The Duct Tape Thief’s family. She will see to it, that they will be compensated in full for the poorly used Duct Tape. Secondly, she would have used a regular old ski mask were she to rob someone.

#9 The People That Own This Store

Gov. Palin is still laughing after seeing this picture. She can’t believe they would use that kind of font on the sign of a store specializing in Kid Sex changes. The sign should look more dignified and doctorlike in her opinion.

#10 A Piggy Toaster

Tests showed that when properly shown how to operate, Sarah Palin was able to toast bread 10 out of 10 times using this Piggy Toaster. Although, it should be noted that she had the toaster thrown away immediately following the tests because she would not have anything competing with her for cuteness.

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On behalf of the “Sarah Palin is Smarter Than…” team we need to ask for your help. This list is just the beginning. Please comment below and help build the number of things “Sarah Palin is Smarter Than…” If you know of something that “Sarah Palin is Smarter Than…” we want to add it to our list A.S.A.P. Do your part, please aid us in spreading the facts about the, in her own words, “Cutest Darn Vice Presidential Candidate there ever was.”

Terrible Lessons Taught By Cereal Mascots

Positive Influences are few and far between. It’s a fact of life that for every “Practice Safe Sex” advertisement you see on TV there’s 50 drunk girls at a party throwing themselves at you (actual number of girls throwing themselves at you can and may vary). Couple the odds with your own inebriation, and well… common sense goes out the window. We as a people are an easily influenced bunch. Tell us that something is cool, and we’ll buy it. Tell us we should eat something, and we’ll order four. Tell us that Amy Winehouse is a class act, and we’ll call you a liar and sock you in the face, but in the long run probably still buy her CD.

The moral of the story is, we need all of the Positive Influences we can get in life, so we don’t go horribly astray and end up fighting our Jedi Master in a lightsaber duel with lots of hot lava nearby. Sure, we’ll end up living, but our skin will be all gross and no one will invite us over for poker night anymore.

One such place that Positive Reinforcement needs to return is in our Breakfast Cereal Commercials. As kids hovering infront of the part wood, part glass behemoths our parents called a television our young minds were attached like pit bulls to whatever the ad agencies had to throw at us. And we ate that shit up. I can’t begin to think of all the things that I demanded my mother buy me for no other reason then the television told me I should have it. If I were to make a list, first and foremost on that would be cereals. Just take Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Cereal for example, it had “Ninja Nets and Marshmallows” which were supposedly a part of a well balanced breakfast. I had to have it.

Yum?

Cereal commercials had us wrapped around their fingers, and this was mostly due to the fact that the mascots themselves were so charismatic and colorful, that we couldn’t resist. So, other than hawking their highly sweetened wares to us, what other lessons are Cereal Mascots teaching?

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You Can Do Anything, If You’ve Had Breakfast

Tony the Tiger – Frosted Flakes

Tony the Tiger rampaged onto the scene way back in 1952 as the result of a contest where he bested a Kangaroo, Elephant, and a Gnu to be the new spokes”person” for Frosted Flakes Cereal. No, I didn’t make Gnu up, it’s an actual animal.

“Who Gnu Frosted Flakes could be so good!”

The signature voice and catchphrase “They’re Grrrreat!” was provided by Thurl Ravenscroft who also claims fame for the song “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch.” Feel free to thank me next time you win Trivial Pursuit with that little factoid. Ravenscroft was Tony the Tiger for over 5 decades, but I doubt even he noticed the distorted message that his character was sending to youth in America.

The message was two-fold, Frosted Flakes are Grrrreat and by eating them, you can overcome obstacles that would otherwise make you pee your pants. Tony had kids polevaulting, swimming laps, and in this commercial riding the shit out of a horse.

“You kids wanna go on a horsie ride?” asks the bully.

Tony doesn’t miss a beat and says “Sure, just let me eat some breakfast first jerkoff, it’s 7 in the morning.”

And with that, he and his eager to please pupil mount up like a secondhand Lone Ranger and Tonto team up to show those guys who’s boss. Not only do they ride dangerously, but their recklessness nearly causes the bully’s to be cast off a cliff. Well, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but they did have to reign in rather quickly.

But, is this the kindof message we need to be getting; that we can overcome adversity with the aid of only a sugar coated bowl of flaked cereal? If the boy had the talent in the first place, he shouldn’t have to eat before proving himself. All that’s going to do is upset his stomach from the rough ride. Or, if Tony the Tiger is indeed right, and breakfast is all it takes to succeed, give me a bowl, I’m heading to Las Vegas.

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Discrimination Is Acceptable

The Trix Rabbit – Trix Cereal

“Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.” In TVland’s Top 100 Quotes and Catchphrases, that hate laced sentence was number 59. It’s imbedded in our brains, and there’s nothing that a Martin Luther King Jr. inspired cartoon rabbit is going to do to change our mind.

A great inspiration to man and rabbits everywhere

The Trix rabbit has a dream, and that dream involves eating a bowl of delicious fruity cereal. Not too much to ask is it? Oh, but it is. You see, “Trix are for kids.” Just like the front of the bus was denied to Rosa Parks, this cereal is not for bunnies. Discrimation is an awful thing, but, the Trix Cereal commercials seem to encourage it.

The Trix Rabbit has been trying to obtain a bowl of cereal since 1969 when the Cereal Tycoons high atop their thrones made of gold, gave the masses the right to vote on whether or not to give the poor mascot any food. And vote they did; a resounding “No” was the answer provided. Over the years The Trix Rabbit has attempted costumes, sneaky methods, and even a genie to grab just a taste.

Even the aid of a fucking genie doesn’t net the Trix Rabbit some delicious cereal. Of course, he kinda asked for it when he blew his 3rd wish on wanting “the kids to see him.” Little known fact though is that the Trix Rabbit does indeed finally get to enjoy some cereal. But, he first has to WIN A TRIATHOLON! The prize, a bowl of Trix cereal. That was actually in 1980, he hasn’t had any in a commercial since.

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Bothering Crazy People Is A Good Idea

Sonny – Cocoa Puffs

A long time favorite of chocolate fans, Cocoa Puffs has been a morning staple since the 1960’s. Back then Sonny the Cuckoo bird teamed up with his unoriginally named grandfather, Gramps, to speak of the wonders and magic of Cocoa Puffs. Sonny flies solo now, and one can only imagine that Gramps had had just about enough of the crazy behavior of his batshit crazy grandson.

Gramps and Sonny circa 1962

Cocoa Puffs, themselves a reflavoring of the popular Kix cereal, are enough to drive Sonny right off the deep end no matter what it is he was doing. But still, people rubbed the cereal in his face. If Sonny was painting a house and a person walked by eating a heaping bowl of Cocoa Puffs you better believe that bird would drop the paint and brush, fall off the ladder, and knock over crippled kid to get at the bowl. Sounds crazy right, well it is. The popular phrase Sonny is wont to exclaim “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” is now commonly used as a slang term for insane. It was even mentioned during the murder trial of Susan Polk in 2006 when her youngest son was testifying. He stated his mom was “Bonkers” and “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

That’s right kids, what a well thought out idea. Antagonize the crazy person. Even though Sonny has obviously realized he has a problem and is trying to do something about it by secluding himself in the spacecraft. Although I’m not sure there is a space program designed by NASA that aided addicts in breaking the habit. If those kids don’t learn to leave the poor bird alone, next thing you know the 6 O’clock News will be covering a story of cereal killer. Get it? Cereal Killer.

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Hitting People Is Fine, But Only If They Hit You First

Dig’em – Honey Smacks

Jumping on the scene in 1953 was Sugar Smacks. Now known as Honey Smacks, the cereal actually changed names due to it’s own mascot, Dig ’em only calling the cereal “Smacks” in his commercial spots. I attribute this to the fact that Dig ’em was a frog, and so shouldn’t be expected to A) remember the script or B) be able to read the script in the first place. Producers should be glad that the damn thing managed to wear clothes.

“It ain’t easy being green, or finding pants that fit our weird misshapen legs.”

Where Dig ’em really had a problem was not touting a cereal he couldn’t remember the name of. Or that it shared a name with a drug. It was the fact that he encouraged children to hit each other in his commercials. Breakfast isn’t an MMA Fight Dig ’em.

In order to avoid what we can only assume would be a nationwide street brawl amongst Honey Smacks customers, they changed their slogan to “I Dig ’em” in 1991.

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Criminal Activity is Cool

Cookie Crook & Chip – Cookie Crisp Cereal

The original Cookie Crisp mascot, Cookie Jarvis is probably rolling around in his grave at the actions The Cookie Crook and Chip have taken to acquire a bowl of Cookie Crisp Cereal. The Crook and his dog took the stage in 1982 and, instead taking an active and responsible role in society by getting a job, began a life of crime which centered on the thievery of breakfast products. An act made all the more heinous because it brings up memories of the time a monkey stole my donut at the zoo.

WANTED: Dead of Alive

The Cookie Cop was dispatched to bring in the hoodlum, and time and time again was made to look an ass. It was a regular activity to see the Cookie Crook break into some secret cookie shaped cereal manufacturing factory only to be spotted by the Cookie Cop. The Cookie Crook would then grab some cereal, stuff it in a bag, and casually flip the bird to the cop as he ran away.

Not only do we have Burglary, but now let’s throw in Resisting Arrest, a 3rd or 4th Degree Felony in most states, on top of Reckless Driving. Why not just have the Cookie Crook expose himself to viewers while we’re at it. What’s a little public indecency when you’re living a live of crime? Eventually execs decided that the interaction was degrading to law enforcement, and hired a new spokesman. I bet the Cookie Cop just got so pissed he eventually paid off someone to send The Cookie Crook to sleep with the fishes.

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Cruelty To Animals Is Respectable Behavior

Sugar Bear – Super Golden Crisp

Perhaps it’s due to the fact that he is actually an animal, but Sugar Bear isn’t a very nice person. Originating in 1963, Sugar Bear immediately began doing battle with the elderly Granny Goodwitch. Their brawls revolved around one thing and one thing only. Boxes of cereal. Sure, I imagine getting his hands on money to go out and buy a box of cereal might have been difficult for Sugar Bear, but that’s no excuse for stealing from an old lady. Even if she was a witch. I’m sure she wasn’t always such a bad gal.

Granny Good Witch: Pre Granny, Pre Regular Bear Attacks

Of course, Sugar Crisp cereal had benefits that rivaled even Popeye’s spinach. So it’s easy to see why the cereal mascot had to have it so bad. We would find out in later commercials that Sugar Crisp provided a “Vitaman Packed Punch” making Sugar Bear virtually unstoppable. Taking this “Crunch with the Punch” on the road Sugar Bear ran into all sorts of other animals that also wanted a piece of the goods.

Obviously not one to recall his own desire for Sugar Crisp back in the day, Sugar Bear doesn’t even consider sharing, and instead kicks the shit out of everyone. Alligators, snakes, and sharks could bring it, but they’d be going home looking like assholes. My dog likes to have a piece of cheese every now and then, you don’t see me grabbing her by the tail and swinging her around my head like a lasso.

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It may all be unintentional, but most of these cereals have been around for over 40 years. And all the while, it’s the same unsavory messages they spew out like pea soup on the set of The Exorcist.

“Cereal with more sugar than fiber is good for you!”

It’s time to step up and change things. It’s all fine and dandy to foul up once or twice, but over the course of hundreds of commercials? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you still! I’m not taking the blame for your actions.

10 Things We Can Sell For Money; An Economic Solution Plan

It’s official, the economy is in the shitter.

“Shitter’s full! And it looks like there’s little bits of corn and economy in it!”

If there’s one thing I know a lot about, it’s how to make money in a pinch. I’ve been a college student; I’ve sold my books before classes were over, sold my blood twice in one week, and sold my comic book collection to take a girl out that never called me back. So, I’d say if anyone is qualified to help the United States pick itself up by the bootstraps and get out of this economic slump, it’s me.

I propose that the government takes the initiative to approve my 10 Part Economic Revival Plan. The plan is 10 fold because that’s how many things I thought we could sell and not look desperate to other countries. That, and most great lists are of the 10 sort. I don’t want to rock the boat of list making.

My 10 Part Economic Revival Plan will serve two purposes. Number One: bring in money. Number Two: Cleanse the Country of junk we don’t need anyway.

Without further ado…

#1 Sell All DVD Copies of “Speed Racer” to a Country in Need of Bar Coasters

This movie was one of the biggest failures Hollywood has ever produced. It cost a whopping $120,000,000 to create and it lost it’s ass. Make sure you count all of those zeros kids, it’s a crapload of money to make a craptastical movie. The film was directed by the Wachowski Brothers, the directors of the Matrix, and it was expected to blow peoples minds. It blew alright, just not anyone’s minds. Opening to reviews that were less than positive, the movie bombed. The New York Times said the film was “of no conceivable interest to anyone over the age of ten” which of course led to thousands of toddlers nationwide boycotting The New York Times. Grossing only $18,561,337 during it’s opening weekend compared to say The Dark Knight which rustled up $158,411,483.

Long story short, if no one wanted to watch it in theaters, they sure as hell aren’t going to buy it on DVD. Why not sell them to a country with a lot of bars… say Ireland. If we’re lucky, we might net a few hundred bucks off the deal. Hey, every dollar counts.

Potential Profit Margin: $40 to $80

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#2 Tear Down National Monuments and Sell the Parts

Sure, I know these things are special. But, so is heat and food. And I’m also fond of having a roof over my head. The way I see it is, National Pride is kinda out the door when you’re hitting up your buddy France to spot you for lunch at McDonalds and Great Britian has to pay your cover at the bar because you “left your wallet at home.” By breaking down our nation’s most prized landmarks, we are essentially tapping into our national resources. The Statue of Liberty for example is made up of 60,000 pounds of copper, and copper is worth quite a bit today.

Upon checking in with the official Gremlindog.com Financial Researcher, we found that per pound, copper is selling for $2.31. Do the math kids, just from the Statue of Liberty alone we could net $138,600! That’s not even including what the gold leaf torch and iron frame work would go for. And the Statue of Liberty would just be the beginning of a long list of structures gathering dust that we good push over and sell to Japan. On to the St. Louis Arch!

Potential Profit Margin: $150,000 to $1,000,000

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#3 Auction of the Cast of High School Musical to the Highest Bidder

The High School Musical phenomenon has swept the nation. With HSM3 coming out in just weeks, the franchise is only going to get bigger. And why not, the cast is full of attractive people, the songs are catchy, and everyone can relate to it. But it’s more than just movies, video games, toys, books, clothing, and for all we know there’s probably a fucking High School Musical flavored Kool Aid; all adding to a bankroll that totals in the millions. The original soundtrack alone went Quadruple Platinum, meaning it sold over 4 million copies. With the average CD selling for $15, that’s $60 million dollars alone. So, why shouldn’t we cash in on it? Disney is rich enough, and it’s time they do their part.

By auctioning off the cast of High School Musical, the highest bidder will receive 6 kids who can serve many purposes. Perhaps Canada will be the highest bidder and can develop “High School Mountie” where the stars attempt to arrest Igloo thieves while singing songs like “Holy shit is it always so cold here?”. At worst the kids could be picked up by a country short on organ donors and use them for spare parts…

Potential Profit Margin: The black market on teen stars is too sketchy to be sure
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#4 Take Jennifer Lopez’s Ass Hostage

Jennifer Lopez has a booty that just won’t quit. She’s hot, no doubt about it. Her hotness is increased tenfold by her behind. J-Lo felt that her hind end was so important to her success that she has it insured for $1,000,000. Now, I’m not sure what insurance agency felt that this was in fact a “product” that could even be insured, and one can only imagine the paperwork involved. But, we can reap the rewards.

By taking Lopez’s Ass hostage, perhaps employing Dog the Booty Hunter to apprehend it, we could cash in on the insurance policy. Alternative options would of course include forcing the aforementioned butt to star in a comedy show in Las Vegas. The options are limitless.

Potential Profit Margin: $1,000,000
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#5 Sell All the Candy Kids Collect this Halloween to Starving Countries

Don’t even pretend you find that stuff appetizing. The bane of trick-or-treaters everywhere, the Peanut Butter Kiss Candy line has pissed off many a child zombie and pirate. Houses known for offering these black and orange clad wads of gross are avoided like the plague by children, and more often than not, these homes are later pelted with rotten eggs and dog feces.

The candies go for $5 a bag from most stores, and being that one out of every 10 or so houses is owned by persons 60+ in age… you can figure that no less than 1 billion of these god forsaken pieces is collected on a yearly basis. Starving countries don’t have a much of a budget, sure, cause if they did they’d just you know, buy food to eat. But, by acquiring these meager budgets, and at the same time exporting these “candies” it’s a win/win for everyone involved.

Potential Profit Margin: Dependent on the Starving Country- A $5 spot a best

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#6 Export All Ugly Christmas Sweaters

In the same spirit as the previous idea, it’s proposed that we get rid of another holiday staple, the butt ugly Christmas sweater. Sure, they’re fun to wear to Christmas Parties themed around these articles of clothing. But wouldn’t everyone at those parties be happier if they didn’t look like they were dressed by a legally retarded Santa’s elf?

Such sweaters sell from stores like Fashion Bug and Goodies for $20 or so. And closets of mothers and grandmothers nationwide are guaranteed to have no less than 7. It’s a requirement of motherhood, just like mom jeans. There’s an estimated 85.2 million mothers in the United States, that’s upwards of 596,400,000 Christmas sweaters available for distribution. My mother alone probably has 400. Even if we sell the sweaters at half off because they’re used, we’re still looking at a big bank roll.

Potential Profit Margin: $600,000,000
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#7 Sell North and South Dakota

It’s well known that there is nothing in North or South Dakota that offers any value at all. There’s just nothing to be desired there. No theme parks, no strip joints, and no all-you-can-eat pizza buffets. Farms.com states that the average price of an acre of land in the Dakotas goes for around $1000. Were there strip joints on said acres of land we wouldn’t even be discussing this.

There are 70,762 square miles in North Dakota, and 77,116 square miles in South Dakota which brings the total to 147,878 square miles in both states. Being that there are 640 acres in a square mile of land, we find that there are 94,641,920 acres of prime (prime minus the inclusion of strip joints) land available ready to be sold to the person with the most dough to shell out. Perhaps we can talk to the folks over in Australia to look into buying the place. Maybe they can class up the joint by bringing in a few kangaroos and shit.

Potential Profit Margin: $94,641,920,000

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#8 Get Rid of the Detroit Lions

Oh the Lions. The poor poor Lions. We should really have a moment of silence for the sports fans up in Detroit. The Detroit Lions football team has won 4 National Football League championships, the last was in 1957, before the Super Bowl even came to be. The last time the Lions brought home the gold Dwight D. Eisenhower was President, Wham-O invented the Frisbee, and Paul McCartney and John Lennon met, (they wouldn’t form the Beatles for 3 more years.) The last time the Lions were champions the fucking Beatles weren’t even together.

The Lions are worth an estimated 1.2 Billion dollars, and could easily produce more if they were a championship team. Perhaps they’d be better suited playing in a country with less dominate football teams to contend with. The Chief Gremlindog.com Ambassador to the country of Greenland thinks we might have a good fit. Apparently there’s no football teams at all there. Also, apparently all they export is fish.

Potential Profit Margin: 1.2 Billion Fish

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#8 Open up the Cat Trade With China

Cats are everywhere. Pooping in our sandboxes, knocking over our lamps, and generally just being condescending assholes. At last census, there was… way too many damn cats. Researchers estimate that there are over 30 million making their homes in the United States. Researchers also estimate that all 30 million of them are dickwads. Sure, they do funny things sometimes and sure they kill mice, but so does poison, and I don’t see anyone making websites about poison with butchered english phrases written on the pictures.

Everyone has heard the horror stories of what’s in Chinese food. Even if it isn’t true, why not see if China is interested in a little trade. Say a buck a cat?

Potential Profit Margin: $30,000,000

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#10 Sell T-Shirts With This Guy On Them

Sure to be the next sensation to sweep the nation, t-shirts with this guy are the next big thing. It’s just up to us to jump on it before some major designer does. Funny Tees are the in thing right now, and if we just say it’s cool, every college student in the country will be wearing one to class by Monday.

Potential Profit Margin: Limitless

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The choice is ours America, and it’s up to us to make a difference. With just these 10 items I’ve found a way to bring in billions of dollars, and some fish, to benefit the U.S. Economy. We can take action now and implement My 10 Part Economic Revival Plan, or spend the rest of our lives watching our cats be dicks, while we watch the Lions lose, and J-Lo’s sweet money maker goes free.

10 Epic Battles That Will Never Happen But You Wish Would

We love to watch fighting. It’s in our blood to enjoy a battle between two foes. Just this past Saturday night I was torn between not one, but two television shows featuring men beating up other men. Sunday night, friends and I paid money to watch guys beat up other guys on a pay-per-view. And then the night before last, I watched a movie 2 1/2 hours long with dudes fighting and killing dudes to stay alive.

Wars and violence have plagued man kind since the day the first cave man hit another cave man with a stick for checking out “his hoe”. And fighting will most likely continue until it kills us all in some nuclear holocaust. However, in life there’s going to be some brawls that we never get the pleasure to see. Not because they’re too epic to conceive, but because the fighters would never actually have the chance to meet in the real world… and because no one likes us.

But, what if. What if God smiled down upon us for just a moment, and made our wildest dreams come true. Not those dreams perv, the dreams of our childhood, where we pitted Ninja Turtles vs. Wrestlers and Lego Men vs. Our Dog.

Today, I present to you the Top 10 Epic Battles That Will Never Happen But You Wish Would.

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Battle #1

We’ll start with one that could happen at some zoos across the world on a daily basis, if it weren’t for the damned cages and fences and animal rights activists.

The Kodiak Bear vs. The Great White Shark

Right off the bat I realize we have a problem with this fight. Where is it going to take place? Put the fight on land and the Kodiak obviously has the upper hand being that he can walk and all, and then on the flip side, put the bear in the ocean, and the Great White would swim circles around him. I suppose that leaves us with only one choice… the air. We’ll equip each of the beasts with jetpacks and have them fight in the air.

The Kodiak Bear will max out as an adult around 13 ft in length and can weigh up to 2000 lbs on a good diet. However, a more average weight throughout the year for a full grown male is 1200 lbs. The Kodiak feeds off of fish, carrion, roots, and berries. But don’t let it’s diet fool you, the Kodiak is not a push over. Able to run as fast as a Thoroughbred Horse and strong enough to knock the face right off of anyone stupid enough to mess with it, this bear knows how to tussle. An adult has no natural enemies, and it’s easy to see why.

The Great White Shark can reach lengths of 20 feet and can weigh more than 5000 lbs, though a more typical shark will be around 15 feet long and in the 1500 lb range. Two rows of razor sharp serrated teeth make the Great White’s massive jaws much like saws to tear away at the flesh of it’s victims. Those victims include seals, whales, fish, and even sea turtles. Able to smell blood miles away and able to eat and kill just about anything it wants to in the ocean, the Great White is considered an Apex Carnivore, with only Humans as enemies. Which is silly, because humans are pussies.

It’s Omnivore vs. Carnivore as Bear meets Shark. Who wins? Well, I was really pulling for the bear right up until the point where I found out that it eats berries. Sure it eats fish too, but sharks don’t even know what a vegetable is, let alone what one would taste like. The shark is a hunter, through and through. The bear, sleeps a lot and steals pickanick baskets from campers.

Winner: The Great White Shark

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Battle #2

Our next fight combines the old with the new. A classic vs. a new standard. And I swear, it would be sweet.

Bruce Lee vs. Ryu

Oh snap son, it’s about to get ugly in here! On the left you have a man who made martial arts popular and on the right, you have reason I don’t speak to my cousin anymore. You see, back when I was 11, I received a Super Nintendo for Christmas, and along with it, the Street Fighter 2 game. My cousin and I high-fived each other and ran to hook it up. We picked up our controllers, and as I started to pick a player, he picked him first. Ryu. “Just be Ken” he said, “They’re the exact same.” Oh no, actually they aren’t. I don’t want that blonde headed sissy boy. I want Ryu. And then we had a street fight of our own. No one really speaks of the Christmas of ’91 around our house anymore.

Bruce Lee is a martial arts god. But, he was more than that, he literally was a cultural icon. He starred in movies along side people that were famous and made the western side of the world open it’s eyes to a whole new interest in Chinese martial arts. He taught and mastered many art forms including Jujitsu, Jeet Kune Do, even developing his own called, Jun Fan Gung Fu which literally means “Bruce’s Gung Fu.” A great actor and philosopher, and basically a bad ass. His signature move was the “One Inch Punch” where Bruce would stand casually in front of his sparring partner, right arm extended to within one inch of his chest, and without retracting his arm delivered a punch sending the opponent to the ground, crying like a little girl.

Ryu has been in fighting games on some level for over 18 years. Trained in a nameless martial arts style which pulls the most powerful skills from many different styles Ryu is versatile. Combine these basic fundamental skills with the powerful Shun Goku Satsu which allows him to focus his energies into powerful attacks such as the Shoryuken. His signature move is the Dragon Punch which starts with Ryu crouching in front of his opponent, jumping into the air, and delivering an uppercut which blazes across the opposition’s chest and impacting the chin.

Considering the differences, I think both of these opponents are fairly even. Of course, Bruce Lee is master of many arts, whereas Ryu is essentially a master of none. I think it’s fair to say that Bruce has an upper hand. Both starred in movies, both have video games, but only Ryu has a fireball that he can shoot out of his hands. Bruce Lee however, is the only one of the two to have his own martial arts style named after him.

Winner: Bruce Lee

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Battle #3

Next up is a battle of might and muscle. Two men, one talent… being ridiculously strong.

Hercules vs. Samson

One man is the son of a god and the other derived his power from God. Both men are super strong and killed beasts just to prove it. And oddly enough, it looks like they both had their portraits done by the same artist.

Hercules is the son of Zeus and a mortal woman so he is what’s called a demi-god. Known for his incredible strength and courage Hercules braved many foes. Allow me to list just a few. He killed the multi-headed Hydra, he slew the giant Antaeus by bear hugging him, spent a year rounding up a herd of cattle, and killed a fire breathing dude named Cacus by “gripping so tightly that his eyes popped out and there was no blood left in his throat.” Hercules was hard core. No doubt. But, he wasn’t just a fighter, Hercules was a lover too. Not only did he kill hundreds upon hundreds of people and beasts. But he probably screwed just as many. And by screwed I mean, had lots of sex with.

Samson was granted his strength by his belief in the Lord. Through his faith he accomplished tasks that would blow your mind. But, it was all on one condition… that he didn’t shave or cut his hair. No problem. Here goes Samson, on a quest to be awesome he fights a Lion and whips it’s ass. Samson gets mad at a man who won’t let him date his daughter and ties torches to the tails of 300 foxes, these foxes scattered and burned the crops. Of course this upsets everyone and Samson fights 1000 Philistines with only the use of the jawbone of an ass killing them all dead. But, as perfect as this story is going for Samson, it’s not all glory and fist bumps. Samson is eventually seduced, and has his hair cut off and power taken away by a woman. Don’t worry though, Samson gets even after his hair grows back and pushes over a temple killing a bunch more people and ruining their Mary Kay party.

At first glance I’m sure you’re thinking… pfft, Samson didn’t kill any cool monsters. No, no he didn’t. And sure, he wasn’t the son of a god. But, here’s the clincher. Remember all of those people Hercules was gettin it on with? Well, about half of those people were guys. Yeah, the book Eroticos says that Hercules’ eromenoi (male lovers) were “beyond counting.” Sure Samson lost his strength but at least it was because of a woman! We’re not havin’ no penis lovin’ winners in these battles!

Winner: Samson

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Battle #4

A twist of fate brings our next two combatants to battle. It’s not very often you find two dudes that are so awesome, and are actually just one dude. The same dude.

Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones

Oh boy. Where do we start. Harrison Ford you’ve made many a fanboy giddy with joy whether it be shooting a blaster or hanging with a giant teddy bear, or cracking a whip and cracking a joke. But, which of you would win a fight?

Han Solo is a smuggler who teams up with the Rebels in the Original Trilogy of Star Wars. Along side Chewbacca, his Wookie co-pilot he offers aid in defeating the Evil Empire. Han is a master pilot and his ship the Millenium Falcon is one of the fastest in the galaxy. He’s faced Storm Troopers, Bounty Hunters, and Hutts using his wit, charm, and intelect to save the day and get the girl.

Indiana Jones is a Professor of Archeology with his Doctorate. A master puzzle solver, and bull whip user Indiana does things that no teacher of mine ever did except for that one History of Bullwhipping Class I took at the community college. Among his achievements; discovering the Ark of the Covenant, finding the Holy Grail, and the Skull of an Alien. All the while avoiding confrontation with his only fear, snakes. Indy has fought off Nazis, Arabs, and most recently Aliens using his wit, charm, and intelect to save the day and get the girl.

How can you choose a winner? Both of these men are winners in my book. Great action, great outfits, both picked up hot chicks. It’d be like trying to pick a winner between Rocky and Rambo, it’s just not right, and I’m not gonna do it. (Rambo would kill Rocky by the way… c’mon he has guns!)

Winner: George Lucas

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Battle #5

There’s about a hundred awesome robots out there that I would love to see fight each other. Johnny 5 from Short Circuit vs. Optimus Prime from the Autobots or the Arnold version Terminator vs. A Teddy Ruxpin Doll. But the following two robots rocked our faces as kids, and they’ll still rock them even today.

Voltron vs. Gundam

Pew Pew Pew, BOOM! Dude, I can barely type I’m so psyched about this battle. Two giant robots, one battlefield full of badassery.

Voltron brings together the power of 5 Giant Robot Lions controlled by 5 kids. Kinda far fetched, sure, but not so much as the fact that this robot was apparently one giant robot in the past that was separated and sent away. Long story short, the pieces were rounded up and they protect the planet of Arus from the evil King Zarkon. Standing over 190 feet tall, Voltron is a huge freaking robot with the ability to shoot lazers from his eyes, fire boomerangs from his chest, flames from hands, and create a “Blazing Sword” with which he smites his enemies.

Gundam is one solid robot that was designed to fight wars in space. More of a mech suit then a sentient being, the Gundam is controlled by a pilot who uses the suit to fight wars that revolve around “current event” type settings; political dissagreements, who drink the last beer, etc. Gundam Suits stood about 57 feet tall and came in many different forms depending on the need. Offensively, the Gundam sports large multi-barreled cannons concealed beneath the blue pods on either arm in addition to a pair of small Vulcan guns mounted on the head and the ubiquitous backpack-stored beam sabers.

When I first picked these two guys out it was based solely on their appearance and the incredible cartoons they starred in. After doing this research I found that the Gundam gave up over over 140 feet in height. So there’s a disadvantage. Although Voltron is bigger he would also be more cumbersome and slower, so the Gundam would be faster. Of course, Gundam can’t turn into 5 Lions either, so it’s shit out of luck on the coolness scale.

Winner: Voltron

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Battle #6

Also in the world of giants comes the following two monsters. Gather in the kids ma, this one’s gonna be a doozie!

Godzilla vs. The Balrog

One of these guys made a living chasing around Japanese people and basically being a dick, the other made a living chasing around Hobbits and pretty much being a douche. Going head to head, who’s the bigger pain in the ass?

Godzilla came on the scene in 1954 rising from the waters surrounding Japan to destroy things. He stands at well over 100 feet tall and is a cross between a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a Stegosaurus. His main powers stem from atomic energy, and his main weapon “Atomic Breath” is the build up of energy inside himself released from the mouth, kindof like my wife’s gas. The ridges on Godzilla’s back glow when he’s ready to fire. He’s bested many a giant monster in his day including Mothra, King Kong, and Ghidorah.

The Balrog is a monster from Middle Earth and actually has close ties to Gandalf, Saruman, and Sauron. They’re all from the same order, and the Balrogs where the ones that were corrupted and changed the most by evil. The size of the Balrog depends on it’s needs. If it wants to fit through a doorway it can, but on the flip side can rise up to a great height to change a light bulb or to impose fear upon it’s enemies. Using a sword and whip made of flame, it’s a foe not to be trifled with whether elf, wizard, or dwarf. It’s said that only dragons rivaled them in power.

We’re not gonna beat around the bush here. The Balrog and Godzilla are not even on the same playing field. Godzilla has tackled monster after monster, and I’m sure plenty of them said something along the lines of “You shall not pass!” in their own garbled monster language. Did Godzilla listen? No, he slapped ’em around a bit and then blew toxic belches at them. The Balrog on the other hand was told “You shall not pass!” by a little wizard man, and he listened. He didn’t pass at all. He fell. Into a hole. And got laughed at. By hobbits.

Winner: Godzilla

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Battle #7

Traveling back in time would be so sweet, and if any of us had a choice we’d probably do it. And if any of us had a time machine, we’d probably be looking in the manual to find out how to set it to go back to “Dinosaur Times” or “That one time in college.”

Velociraptor vs. Smilodon

We’ve already seen T-Rex vs. Raptor in Jurassic Park, and sure, I’d love to do a rematch of that. But, it’s been done. This hasn’t. Reptile vs. Mammal. Cat vs. Lizard.

Velociraptor popped onto Earth during the late Cretaceous Period and immediately started killing things just to prove it had the biggest balls. Don’t let the movies fool you however, the Raptors weren’t big boys at all. In fact they were just under 7 feet in length including tail, and weighed just under 40 lbs. But, that’s 40 lbs of mean and nasty. It’s primary weapons are on it’s feet in the form of 2 1/2 inch claws that are sickle shaped. These claws were razor sharp and could deliver a fatal blow to prey in one swift kick.

The Smilodon, or Sabre Toothed Tiger as it’s more widely known debuted around 2.5 million years ago in North and South America. Weighing in around 500-600 lbs on a good day, the Smilodon preyed upon mammoths and starred in movies including 10,000 B.C. Many believe that it hunted in packs and upon wrestling prey to the ground would deliver a killing blow to the jugular with teeth that could be as long as 7 inches.

Once again, I’m surprised at the size difference of our combatants. Smilodon outweighes Velociraptor by more than 550 lbs on average. Considering the fact that both animals normally run in packs, I don’t see this fight ever coming about. Now, if both of our fighters were at a bar perhaps, and have had a few too many drinks… Raptor gets in Smilodon’s face about politics and Smilodon calls his mom a whore… Raptor throws his cigarette in Smilodon’s drink and Smilodon goes for the bite to the jugular…

Winner: Smilodon

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Battle #8

Up until now it’s been battles between individuals, and after looking at our last fight I thought about how much different it would be if the battles were instead fought by groups of people. Crazy people with swords and axes and shit.

Vikings vs. Samurai

One group of warriors has a football team named after them and the other has a small Suzuki SUV named after them. Yeah, this battle is a little one side already.

The Viking is a combination of many types of people from Scandinavian backround. They were a cross between warriors, explorers, and pirates. Hailing from Russia, Norway, Sweden, Iceland, and other cold shitty places the Vikings set out to find and take what wasn’t theirs just to have sex with it. Primary weapons included axes, fire, swords, fire, maces, fire, and more fire. Vikings originated naval warfare before anyone else in the world. That’s what made them so deadly. That and the fire. At one point Vikings under leaders such as Erik the Red and Leif Eriksson held control over most of Europe.

Samurai were the military nobility of pre-industrial Japan. There was no higher honor or duty then being a Samurai. During feudal Japan hundreds of thousands of Samurai fought for power, at one point an army of 160,000 was assembled to invade neighboring China. At the time, the next largest force by comparison was in Spain, they had only 30,000, and they were all sissies. Using katana and bows as their primary weapons until firearms were introduced in the mid 1500’s the samurai didn’t play around.

Ring the Bell! The Vikings have just burned all the Samurai and pissed in their cereal. This fight is over!

Winner: Vikings

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Battle #9

Swords are the coolest thing around. No doubt about it. These guys know swords. And how to show a little too much skin.

He-man vs. Lion-O

Like two peas in a pod, I present to you a couple of the most popular characters from the 80’s. Both of these guys have cool friends, with the exception of Orko and Snarff, and both have evil enemies. And they’re about to kick each other’s teeth in.

He-Man, the “Most Powerful Man in the Universe” is in reality (*spoiler alert*) Prince Adam of Eternia. He garners his ability from Castle Grayskull, and to call upon that power he must raise his Power Sword above his head and shout “By the power of Grayskull… I have the power!” . Power was a recurring theme apparently in the eighties. On his side are his allies Man-At-Arms, Teela, Ram Man, and Battle Cat just to name a few. His claim at being the “Most Powerful Man in the Universe” shouldn’t be questioned, he’s traded blows with Superman at one point, and has even “picked up and thrown Castle Grayskull into another dimension.” That’s right, he picked up a fucking castle, and threw it… into another dimension.

Lion-O and his friends come from the dieing world of Thundera. Lion-O is the leader and hereditary Lord of the Thundercats and wields the power of the Sword of Omens, which has the Eye of Thundera imbedded in it’s hilt. This eye allows Lion-O to see across long distances. His Claw Shield acts as a defensive tool, and also contains grappling lines. On Lion-O’s side are his friends and protectors Jaga, Tygra, Panthro, Cheetara, Wilykat, Wilykit, and Snarf. Lion-O has learned to use the Anointment Trials which allow for greater speed, strength, and wisdom. He also has the ability to control all cats, which means that he’s to blame for the LOLcats website. Please send hate mail to lion-o@thundera.com.

This is a close one, without a doubt these two guys are on virtually the same plane. Swords, friends, powers, and revealing outfits. I love them both, and to be honest if picking one of these two guys to be a winner is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right. Screw that, Lion-O is always Lion-O, no changing, no I need to shout things to get powerful bullshit, and besides… Lion-O could always just control Battle Cat and tell him to throw up hair balls all over He-Man’s bed.

Winner: Lion-O

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Battle #10

Sneaky dudes in black outfits are badass. If those same dudes are ninjas, even better. If those same dudes also have cool gear and can kick your head in 6 different ways, you’re going to be doing backflips. Or wait, maybe it’s them that’ll be doing the backflips and you’ll be the guy who just got laid out and your shoes knocked off.

Batman vs. Snake Eyes

I need to go write this movie right freaking now. This idea is about as unbelievable as any I’ve ever had, and I invented Post It Notes. Who’ll prevail?

Batman is the Dark Knight, the secret identity of billionaire Bruce Wayne. He is an icon of super heroes. He’s gone toe to toe with Superman and lived. He’s got a rogues gallery full of crazy lunatics that are all out to kill him and he lives. Sure, he’s got a few tools up his sleeves to aid him in the process. You wouldn’t expect a guy like him to just walk into a fight empty handed. Oh no. Batarangs, Batmobiles, Batplanes, Batboats, Batcycles, etc. At one point Batman even used a Bat-Shark repellent. He’s a trained martial artist, expert detective, and he’s an excellent cook. Nah, he doesn’t cook. But, he did become Batman because he saw his parents killed and then fell into a well. So, he’s probably got “crazy” on his resume.

Snake Eyes, which as far as I know is probably just a code name for Snake Eyes was in Vietnam when he met up with his soon to be mortal enemy Storm Shadow. Storm Shadow saved Snake Eyes during the war, and eventually trained in the ninja arts with him under the same clan leader. A skilled ninja, swordsmen, marksmen, and all around bad sonofa bitch Snake Eyes has fought Cobra and The Decepticons alongside his fellow Joes. Never one to speak much, he says everything he needs to say with a sword and a machine gun. Although if he were to speak, I’d imagine his vocabulary would include a lot of “you’re going to die” and “you’re already dead” and “I slept with your girlfriend”.

Now, it seems as if both men have beat up robots at some point in his career so there’s a tie. Both men are trained ninjas, so tie there as well. Both are masked, so that’s cool. Both have cool vehicles, though not all of Snake Eyes’ rides are named after him. Snake Eyes does carry a gun, so that might give him the upper hand were it not for the fact that Batman’s armor is for the most part bullet proof. Of course, Batman just might have a Bat-Snake Eyes Repellent on that utility belt. So, that’d kind ruin your day if you were named Snake Eyes. I love them both, but this fight is in the books.

Winner: Batman

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There’s probably hundreds of battles that would make any fan boy or scientist wet his pants, and if you have any ideas you’d like to read about, please pass them along. Or if you disagree with a choice, post and tell me why. I’ll ignore you and call you a bastard, but please, pass along the tips.

As for me, I’m gonna go start writing the movie that is gonna make me millions. “Batman and Snake Eyes vs. A Bunch of Vikings riding on the back of Smilodons and Sharks.”

Peace.

Media Mania

It’s time for your daily dose of wild and wacky news!

Young Goddess Announced

So today Nepal has debuted their newest living goddess. A three year old named Matani Shakya was chosen as the brand new “kumari” by Hindu and Buddhist priests after a long and arduous ceremony. She was whisked away from her parents to live in a temple until she reaches puperty, and loses her divinity.

“Will there be Barbies and Hannah Montana tapes in this temple?”

I know right? What kind of little girl wants to spend the rest of their lives cooped up in a temple having cookies and Skittles tossed at them by adoring fans while they watch Dora the Explorer on a 52″ Plasma? I would of course be fine with those things, but I’m not a little girl who got chose as the new “kumari” either. She probably just wanted to be left alone to play with her Easy Bake Oven and her parents wanted to cash in while the getting was good. Way to be model parents you guys.

“Have fun at camp or whatever sweetheart!”

Of course, it’s not like this is the wackiest religious practice in the world. Oh no. Not by a long shot. In fact, with the exception of a choice few most religions have something a little wacky about them. For example Catholics have the whole exorcism thing, Jehovah’s Witnesses will not accept blood transfusions, and Mormons think that Godzilla is real.

Toddlers being dieties, this tops the latest in a string of wacky stories from the media, but it’s certainly not the only one!

Bond Girl Secret

Oh yes, the newest Bond girl Gemma Arterton! Starring in the upcoming “Quantum of Solace” which is looking to be the greatest Bond movie ever, she’s a hottie fo’ sho’. But, don’t get too excited too quick guys and gals. This Brit has a secret she’s not afraid to hide.

“It’s my little oddity that I’m really proud of,” she said to Esquire magazine. “It makes me different.”

Oh, what’s that Gemma, a little different huh? Were you born on Leap Year? That’s so cool.

“No, I used to have 6 fingers on each hand.”

Wait you wha…….!!!!

Apparently the young starlet had the extra fingers removed as a baby, and all that is left is tiny scars. But, it still gives me the heebie jeebies. But, spoiler alert! I guess we can expect the Bond villian to be none other than Inigo Mantoya!

“My name is Inigo Mantoya, you killed my father… omg you were totally hot ’til I heard you had six fingers!”

And if you don’t know who he is, then you haven’t seen one of the greatest movies ever made. So, go out and rent it. Or borrow it from me, I have it on DVD.

Wigs Are Out!

A centuries old practice of English Judges wearing a white horse hair wig while presiding over court ended recently. England has decided that the wigs are either to damn silly to be worn to every day court cases, or we’ve got some horses going on strike.

People are apparently pissed off about this.

“The idea’s ridiculous! A barrister without his wig would be like a doctor without a stethoscope,” said John Mortimer who apparently doesn’t realize a doctor actually uses a stethoscope and a person only wears a wig.

But, here’s the kicker. The wigs will still be worn by criminal case judges, just no one else. Which I’m sure is a relief to all of the regular court attendies who up until recently had to be in the presence of a guy in a wig. Traffic court, Family court, <insert word> court you guys don’t have to face the wrath of a head accessory. England doesn’t want to let the really bad people off so easy though. They still have to face the wig!

“I’m gonna getcha! Nah, I’m kidding, I’m not.”

Oh you damned dirty criminals… God bless your souls.

Mr. Clean is Dead

Wait… what?!?! Is this like where they kill a character in a comic book to stir up ratings and then they bring him back in some issue later on?

“I’ll be back.”

No, ok. Apparently there used to be an actual man who played the part of this bronzed genie like man we see in today’s commercials. He died at the age of 92 and his name was Robert House Peter’s Jr.

“Listen, I’ll clean the damn sink, but I ain’t shavin’ my head, and I ain’t wearing no ring in my ear.”

The man was a star of classic Western Films and Shows, and like most stars, was paid to pretend he liked a product on television. Here’s one of the very first Mr. Clean commercials to air.

Okay, I’m going to assume that I’m not the only one that thought Mr. Clean looked like a cartoon in that commercial. I’m also going to assume that I’m not the only one that thought Mr. Clean looked a little, how do you say… gay? And I’m also going to assume that I’m not the only one still singing that song in my head.

Anyway, R.I.P. Mr. Clean.

Iceland Teeters on the Edge of Bankruptcy

I honestly debated whether or not to even bring this up. But, I’ll be honest, it’s kinda sad. If a whole entire country full of people working and doing whatever the hell it is they do up in Iceland can’t make it in a bad economy, how am I supposed to? I know there’s going to be those out there with their knowledge and Iceland books saying things like… “Jason, don’t you know that Iceland only blah blah blah.” And to those people I say… yeah, I did know that.

Iceland’s main exports are Ice, Polar Bear Halloween costumes, and Vikings. And I realize that Halloween only comes once a year, so that isn’t exactly something they can bank on.

Hey kids, I’m fun to wear all year long! (Mom and Dad, I make a great Easter Sunday outfit!)

However, Iceland still has all that Ice and the Vikings!

Okay, I’ve just been informed by the team of researchers and scientists that work for gremlindog.com that I have no idea what I’m talking about. So, I’ll just say that it sucks for Iceland about the bankruptcy, and good luck to all the Vikings.

Deepest Living Fish Found

Apparently the former record was 4 miles, but recently scientists in Japan have found a fish that lives 4.8 miles down. It’s called “Who gives a shit about this fish” and feeds on shrimp.

The fish was described by it’s finders as “surprisingly cute” and I have to agree. All of the deep sea fish I’ve ever dated have always been fuuuuuhhhhhgly!

“Some people say I look like Ariel because of my red hair.”

I find this news heartwarming, how cool is it to find out something that we didn’t know before? Actually, I’m kidding. Gas costs me over $3 a gallon, and scientists are deep sea diving for fish that live really deep. Fuck fish. Discover a lizard that shits dollar bills, and then I’ll be impressed.

YES!

That’s right kids, it is a huge slab of meat stacked between two pressed grilled cheese sandwiches. Enjoy.

The Hamburger Fatty Melt

– makes 4 burgers –

Ingredients

1 pound ground beef *

Salt and freshly ground pepper

8 Very Thin Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

4 medium-thick or 8 thin tomato slices (optional but recommended)

Procedure

1. Divide beef into 4 equal parts. Shape into square patties slightly larger than the grilled cheese sandwiches that will serve as buns. (Use a slice of the Pepperidge Farm Very Thin bread as a template if you’re uncomfortable eyeballing this.) Create an indentation in the centers of the patties—this will help maintain even thickness, as the center typically swells up when cooking.

2. Preheat a cast-iron skillet or heavy-bottom pan to medium-high. Meanwhile, in a nonstick skillet, prepare th Very Thin Grilled Cheese Sandwiches.

3. Salt and pepper both sides of burger patties liberally. Throw those suckers in the cast-iron pan, cooking them in batches of two if your pan isn’t big enough to hold them all at once. Cook about 3 minutes per side for medium. Remove patties from pan and let rest a couple minutes.

4. Sandwich patties between two grilled cheese sandwiches and top each with 1 medium-thick slice of ripe tomato. (Variation: Slice tomatoes thinly and 1 slice directly into each Very Thin Grilled Cheese Sandwich.)