Women as we know them are an odd bunch indeed. It goes without saying that they are an enigma to any man who they come into contact with. But, oh how we love them. We attribute this love to 90% sex, 5% dinner, and 5% affirmation, but I think it’s more than that. Sure, those things all add up to a pretty good day, and they’re all essential to the well being of any man. Yet, there’s still more a woman brings to the relationship, and that is her quirks.
I can remember the first time I walked into the bathroom to find an odd container perched atop the commode.
“Honey!” I shouted, “Your sister left her baby wipes here!”
“No sweetie,” she assured me, “those are for you.”
For me? I remember almost passing out thinking she was pregnant.
“LOL!” she lol’d at me, “they’re great, and not just for babies anymore.”
And that’s what we’re here to share today. The nontraditional uses for baby wipes taught to me by my wife.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
First and foremost should be it’s obvious use, bathroom cleanup. Babies of course have issues cleaning up their rear ends, so someone thought up the concept of easy to carry, always ready wet wipes. These wipes use water and a light cleaner or alcohol to clean faces, hands, and now bottoms. Nurses use similar moist towelettes to spot clean, as do people who enjoy ribs.
“If you think my face looks like a mess, wait until you see the other end.”
Of course these issues with cleanliness didn’t seem to be a problem for grown ups. We’ve gone hundreds of years without the use of baby wipes, why should we need them now. Heck, it wasn’t all that long ago that people didn’t clean themselves at all. So, why all the fuss about wet wipes for adults? Because we don’t wanna look like a bear with dingleberries.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
The next, and more creative use would have to be pet clean up. Puppies have a tendency to get into all kinds of messes. Digging holes, rolling in stinky stuff, or getting into the garbage are all popular past times for a dog. You might say they’re assholes.
A dog, probably rolling in cat shit, being an asshole.
And if you own a dog, you know what an enormous undertaking it is to bath them. Unless they’re tiny sized and you can put them in the dishwasher, you’re forced to fill up the tub, grab fifty towels, and hope for the best. Of course, 9 times out of 10, the dog will exit the tub long before you’ve completed the cleaning process and will have his way with your home by spreading his wet dirtiness onto everything.
So, that’s where the handy baby wipe comes into play. Dog has dirty paws? Grab a wipe and clean him up. Dog has a dirty mouth? We told you to close the door to the closet with the litter box in it.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Next up, is after sex clean up. Hey, you’re not always ready to take a shower right? And the truth is you may not even be in a location where showering is an option.
Mile high club… no showers… 2 hour flight… gross
So, what’s the perfect little answer to this problem? Wet wipes. Whether you’re on a plane, a train, the car, or you’re just a lazy bastard that doesn’t want to get out of bed to walk 10 feet to the bathroom, wet wipes have the problem well in hand. They’re great for women and men. Finally, something we can agree on. You know what? This just might be the thing that brings peace to the world!
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
The final, and perhaps most important use for the baby wipe is the whore bath. In case you have no idea what it is we’re talking about, let’s check in with our friends at Urbandictionary.com to help clear things up. They define the whore bath as follows. “To wash up the stinkiest parts with a small washcloth and hot water in the sink – MAYBE a dash of soap, MAYBE.” Sounds gross right? Well, that’s not even the worst of the definitions. And no, we’re not gonna list the nastier definition, because we are above using tacky, tasteless humor.
Why take a whore bath? You’re no whore by any means, so what use would it serve you? Because sometimes, your hands are tied. Camping of course comes to mind where you may be without the luxury of a tub, soap, or running water. That’s when you reach into your bag, pull out a wet wipe and clean the dirtiest parts of your body. These places being the pits, crotch, and crack. The P.C.C. if you will.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Well, there you have it. Some uses for baby wipes you might not have thought about before. Sure, most of them are kinda gross. But, that’s life; full of poo, snot, and sweat. Life is disgusting.