First of all, congratulations to the new President of The United States of America.
Now, on to why we’re writing this today. You see, there’s a major problem about to sweep through the United States. It has nothing to do with the economy, gas prices, interest rates, war, or anything bad. But, nonetheless it is still a major problem and one that must be addressed.
The problem is this: What the hell are we supposed to talk about now that the election is over? The election has come and gone friends; it has ceased to be. And unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that every television, every newspaper, every magazine, every website, and every billboard has had something about the election on or in it for months on end. We’ve been bombarded so hard by election coverage, commentary, and advertising that we haven’t been able to function outside the realms of the election itself. And now it’s done, and we’re left out to dry.
So, as you gather in the break room at work for coffee, or sit down to dinner with your family, or as you meet your neighbor at the mailbox to grab the bills; what are you going to say to each other. What words are going to come out of your mouth? The last thing you need is to be put on the spot and have nothing more to contribute than an dumb looking face and a great big “uhhhhh.”
Sure, you might be thinking to yourself, “Hey no biggie. I’ll just talk about Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live or Joe Plumber. Or I could show off the funny pictures that people photoshopped of John McCain with his tongue out.” Well, that’s all fine and dandy, except for it’s old news and no one gives a shit about any of that anymore.
You’re going to have to step up friends, and find something else to converse about. To email people. To laugh at. And we are here to help. We know it’s going to be difficult to melt back into a society without an election to talk about. You may be scared, or tentative to even try. And that’s what we’re here for. To aid you in your struggle and get you back on your feet.
With the… Top 5 Post-Election Conversation Topics
Please take caution while using this guide, because not all topics may be relevant to the situation you might have found yourself in. If you’re having an intimate moment with your lover, it might not be prudent to bring up Topic #3 or if you and your boss are out to a lunch meeting with a client, please steer away from Topic #2.
In fact to help you out in your quest, we suggest printing out this guide and posting it in your cubicle, putting it in your pocket, and hanging it on the fridge. It’s good to be prepared.
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Topic #1 – Did You See The Big Game?
Oh, a classic, and one that has been all but forgotten for the past year or so, sports! There’s been a lot of great games, and now’s the perfect time to bring it up in conversation! We advise choosing a game that has some kind of importance at the time. Don’t go and bring up a little league match that you played in as a kid. Talk about the Monday Night Football Game or the opening match up between your hometown (or nearby) basketball team. Don’t try to bring up any stats, because odds are, you don’t know any. Be sure to throw in phrases like, “That guy was on fire,” or “Did you see the big play,” and stay clear of comments like “Kobe Bryant looks so good in yellow, I hope he never leaves the Lakers.”
Any sport will work, and we suggest finding a team to stick with for all of your converstations regarding the subject. A college team near where you live is perfect. For added effect, purchase an item of clothing featuring your team of choice. Wear it on “game day.”
Topic #2 – Did you see that movie?
Another classic that can be used in most conversations. The best part about the subject is that movies are universal. It doesn’t matter if you live in New York City or London, there are movie theaters and movies everywhere. And odds are, you might have seen one recently. Now is your opportunity to bring it up. Talk about the action or romance, or both if it’s a retarded Sandra Bullock movie. Talk about the incredible special effects, the awesome fight scene, and the funny way Wall-E said “Eve-a.” You’ll probably notice that your friends and co-workers have also seen movies, and before you know it, you’re in and out of a nice discussion without even the slightest mention of politics. However, movies aren’t the perfect topic. Even film has it’s downfalls where you can make a conversation mistake and ruin everyone’s day. If you remember anything else at all today, remember this. Porn is a type of movie.
But that does not make it acceptable to bring up in conversation with the following: parents, parents-in-law, religious figures, small children, or people you run into from high school.
Topic #3 – Hey, isn’t that chick totally hot?
Even gay guys can agree that a hot chick is hot. And being that it’s a subject that all men can have fun discussing, pointing out and talking about the attractiveness of a woman is a surefire conversation A+ for almost any situation. The first step in bringing a hot chick into a conversation is to ensure that the chick in reference is, in fact, hot. You might look like an asshole if you say to your buddies that you’ve got the hots for Jenna Jameson. Yeah, she was smoking hot, 10 years ago. But have you seen her lately? Good God that woman is broken! Be conservative of your opinions when breaching the subject of female hotness. Freshen up your “opinions” by reading a good magazine full of pictures of hot chicks.
See what others think before forming your own opinion. You’ve been out of the loop for several months now with the whole election business. The closest thing to a hottie you’ve seen is Sarah Palin, and though she is indeed better looking then either of the presidential candidates, she just doesn’t compare to some of the world’s finest looking women.
Topic #4 – Have you played the new XBox360/Playstation3/Wii Game?
If you don’t own a video game system you may want to just skip right on past this idea to the next topic. But, if you do own one, and it’s not covered in dust… then you are sitting on a gold mine of conversation options. The best and easiest choice is “have you played <insert game name>?” because this opens up three doors. The first door is if the person says “yes I have” when questioned. You then can say; “me to”, or “I haven’t, how it was.” Secondly, they’ll say “no I haven’t” and to that you can say; “me neither“, or “I have and it rocked.” The 3rd door is the trickiest handle. Because when asking a question about playing… some people might confuse your question with one intended for a child. Say perhaps, your boss. Who is also your father-in-law. Asking him (unless he’s the coolest damn dude on the planet) whether or not he’s “Played the new game on the Wii” could easily turn foul. Because in his waxy old man ears, your innocent question might turn into “Have you played any games with your weiner?”
Father-in-laws hate talking about their weiners. And so do bosses. Also avoid this question when talking to the police unless you want to get carted off to jail.
Topic #5 – Have you seen the latest website that is taking the internet by storm?
A multidimensional weapon of conversation, the internet is your failsafe. If push comes to shove, and you find yourself simply unable to carry on a decent dialogue with anyone, start talking about something you saw on the internet. For goodness sake, don’t act like you aren’t constantly on the net screwing around anyway. You’re on it right now! And surely during all of those hours you’ve managed to pick up something that has a little weight to it. Something you can share with your buddy as you work out at the gym. Or with your fiance as you make dinner together. It could be some funny picture you spotted of the world’s largest wood pecker. Or maybe a funny video of a man in a kangaroo outfit bouncing around ruining everyone’s day. Or a cool article about Where the Cast of the Goonies are Now. However if you’re one of those that only accesses the internet to look at boobies and LOLcats then you’re shit out of luck.
Unless the boobies belonged to a really hot chick, and then you can revert back to Topic #3!
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It’s gonna be an uphill battle friends, but I promise you this. We can find things to talk about Post-Election. Together, we can make a difference. Send this list to friends, co-workers, and family members and be sure to post other great conversation starters in the Comments Section.