It’s a fact of life that medicine is a part of our lives from the minute we’re born. We’re given antibiotics and vaccinations before we even leave the hospital.
What the hell is that?
Everytime we have a runny nose, stomach ache, or elevated temperature, our Moms are tossing nasty tasting stuff down our throats. It only get’s better as we get old, the elderly pretty much live on a diet of pills.
Yum!
But, man, some of these medicines have some pretty scary warnings. It’s not a matter of “which ones” either, because pretty much every medicine that does anything, has a warning, side effect, or caution that would give anyone the heebie jeebies. Sure, it might cure your itchy bug bite, but if it can also turn your hair green you might think twice.
Can barely feel the itch anymore!
Here’s some common Medicines That Have The Freakiest Warnings, enjoy!
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The Medicine: Advair
What It Does: Treats Asthma and Long-Term Lung Disease
Why It’s On This List: “WARNING: LONG-ACTING BETA-AGONISTS SUCH AS SALMETEROL, AN INGREDIENT IN THIS MEDICINE, HAVE BEEN RARELY ASSOCIATED WITH AN INCREASED RISK OF ASTHMA-RELATED DEATH.”
No, we didn’t choose to capitalize all of those letters just to put emphasis on how scary that warning is. An asthma medicine that kills people with an asthma related death. Now wait a minute. Where’d the go wrong in the planning of this? We’re not doctors, but surely a medicine should do the opposite of what the disease does, right? That’s like saying, “Sure Mr. Smith, we can help with your Alligator problem, we’re just gonna line the perimeter of your home with a moat filled with Crocodiles.”
Hey, all of the gators are gone, you can come out now.
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The Medicine: Ambien
What It Does: Sleep Aid
Why It’s On This List: “SOME PATIENTS TAKING THIS MEDICINE have performed certain activities while they were not fully awake. These have included sleep-driving, making and eating food, making phone calls, and having sex. Patients often do not remember these events after they happen.”
So this is a like the equivalent of getting totally trashed out of your mind. Alcohol also makes you very sleepy. People also tend to think they can still drive, they get hungry, they drunk dial, and they have sex. They also never remember any of that happening.
No I’m not drunk… she is, but I’m fine… seriously.
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The Medicine: Paxil
What It Does: Anti-Depressant/Anxiety Relief
Why It’s On This List: “FOR MEN: If you experience a prolonged, painful erection, stop using this medicine and seek immediate medical attention or permanent problems could occur.”
The best part is that the company felt the need to say, “Hey, this warning is for guys only.” As if a woman would be reading the back of her medicine bottle, see that she might indeed suffer a hurtful hard-on, and throw the medicine away. It’s frightening that something so awesome, boner; could be paired with something so terrible, prolonged pain. But, perhaps the scariest part of this warning. “Permanent problems could occur.” That gives us goosebumps, because the problems hinted at here, are for guys only. And the only thing guys have that women don’t, is something that we never, EVER want to have permanent problems with.
You may feel a little discomfort while taking this medicine.
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The Medicine: Ibuprofen
What It Does: Treats Mild Pain
Why It’s On This List: “CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience sharp or crushing chest pain; sudden shortness of breath; sudden leg pain; sudden severe headache, vomiting, dizziness, or fainting; changes in vision; numbness of an arm or leg; slurred speech; one-sided weakness; sudden unexplained weight gain; change in amount of urine produced; severe or persistent stomach pain; vomit that looks like coffee grounds; black tarry stools; itching, reddened, swollen, blistered, painful, or peeling skin; yellowing of the skin or eyes; dark urine; right-sided tenderness; severe or persistent tiredness; fever, chills, or sore throat; severe or persistent nausea; swelling of hands, ankles, feet, face, lips, eyes, throat, or tongue; difficulty swallowing or breathing; or hoarseness.”
Holy Shit! We just wanted to get rid of this little headache we have from drinking too much last night. Now we run the risk of having just about every possible side effect known to man happening to us. From a little pill. Throw that whole bottle away now! Let the raccoons deal with it.
Raccoons… headache free, but full of rabies.
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The Medicine: Yaz
What It Does: Birth Control
Why It’s On This List: “CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience a missed menstrual period; breast lump or discharge; calf or leg pain, swelling, or tenderness; change in amount of urine produced; chest pain or heaviness; confusion; coughing up blood; fainting; irregular heartbeat; left-sided jaw, neck, shoulder, or arm pain; mental or mood changes (such as depression); numbness of an arm or leg; one-sided weakness; persistent, severe, or recurring headache or dizziness; severe stomach pain or tenderness; slurred speech; sudden severe vomiting; sudden shortness of breath; symptoms of liver problems (such as yellowing of the skin or eyes, fever, dark urine, pale stools, loss of appetite); unusual or severe vaginal bleeding; or vision changes (such as sudden vision loss, double vision).”
We’re not normally one to judge, but, in this case we feel obligated. This might be a case where it’d be better to use a condom. A condom might cause a little awkward moment before doing the deed. Yaz however, will cause you to cough up blood, give you stroke like symptoms, and possibly make you go blind. Best part is, birth control pills are only 99% effective. So, on top of all this, you might still get a kid… yay!
No, I don’t think it’s mine… doesn’t have my eyes.
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The Medicine: Cymbalta
What It Does: Anti-Depressant/Anxiety Relief
Why It’s On This List: “SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include blurred vision, constipation, decreased sexual desire or ability, diarrhea, dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, headache, increased sweating, loss of appetite, muscle aches, nausea, sore throat, tiredness, trouble sleeping, or vomiting. CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience bizarre behavior; confusion; excessive sweating; dark urine; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; fever or chills; hallucinations; loss of coordination; new or worsening agitation, anxiety, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, restlessness, or inability to sit still; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin.”
First of, none of these possible side effects is going to help anyone that already suffers from a problem with depression and anxiety. Can you imagine the Doctor that has the balls to say to his patient: “Jim, I realize you are having trouble dealing with crowded places and the stress involved. That’s why I want to give you this medicine. Sure, there’s a slight chance you might have “…new or worsening agitation, anxiety, panic attacks…” but that’s fine. Because you’ll also be bombarded with new found “…aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility…” so it should all turn out just fine next time you head to the mall.
The Cymbalta Riots of 1912.
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The lesson here, read the fine print!
Tell us about some weird warnings you’ve spotted on some common medicines in the comment section!