Month: October 2008

Love Stories That Were Overshadowed By Terrible Things

No one enjoys a good love story as much as us. Actually, that’s probably not accurate at all. I’m sure there’s hundreds of thousands of people that enjoy a good love story just as much as us. Hell, there’s probably millions. And there’s probably that many more that most likely enjoy a good love story even more than us.

Um… Let’s begin again then, shall we?

People enjoy a good love story. It’s a fact. And most love stories involve the lovers having to surpass and overcome obstacles to “find” their true love. But, sometimes… it’s just a little to far fetched.

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The Movie:
Romeo and Juliet

The Premise:
Two families that hate each other end up having their children fall in love.

Why We Can’t Buy Into It:
The story revolves around two kids who fall for each other without realizing who the other’s family is. They run around town causing all kinds of trouble, throwing parties, fighting, doing drugs, and they fall in love. C’mon, seriously? Sure, kids are known to sneak out from time to time, and they surely disobey their parents’ wishes for them to not watch porn and masturbate in their socks. However, don’t you think two sets of parents who were feuding like the Hatfields and McCoys would be a little more in tune with what their teenage children were up to? Juliet was only thirteen years old for goodness sake!

Now, imagine that cute little thirteen year old girl, running around with the enemies’ son. No way, that’s just not gonna fly. Don’t you think her dad would do a little more than flip out? It’d be like our President’s daughter going out to a movie with Osama Bin Laden’s son. And as if we needed more fuel to add to this fire, let’s not forget that the children were married in the movie by a Friar! Just to let that sink in for a second, please remember that most thirteen year old kids would be 7th Graders. 7th Graders are in Middle School.

Now, as if all that isn’t enough to make you go, whoa now! How’s this for the real icing on the cake. Romeo and Juliet both die in the end. They don’t ride into the sunset, or sail away to a tropical island. They die. They cease to be. I don’t know about you, but we don’t get all lovey-dovey when people die. It’s just not our thing.

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The Movie:
You’ve Got Mail

The Premise:
Two people fall in love via the internet.

Why We Can’t Buy Into It:
Don’t let us fool you. We’ve fallen in love via the internet countless times. Even last night for some of us. But, we’re not referring to the Online Dating sites everyone is so into these days. We’re talking about the kind of stuff you download and watch in the dark with the sound turned down so your roommate can’t hear. You know, porn. That’s the realistic kind of relationships that develop online, they’re kinda one sided. Not in this film. In this movie we have two characters who are both in the ultra-competitive market of book selling and dislike each other strongly in the real world, who through the magic of the World Wide Web finally get to know each other and fall in love.

I realize that back when this movie was made (1998) that the internet was a new and marvelous thing. There were probably a whole lot less pop ups, and most likely less evil and awful people taking advantage of others. But, in today’s world, if you meet someone online you keep that at a nice safe distance. You don’t go and fall in love with them just because they type well. That’s how you end up with your leg chained to a lead pipe in some forgotten bathroom with a hacksaw as your only means of escape.

Television programs like “How To Catch A Predator” have kinda ruined the whole meet someone online and have a good time thing. Not to mention the only emails we get are for Penis Enlargement Pills. As if we needed ’em.

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The Movie:
Beauty and the Beast

The Premise:
A monster who’s really a man kidnaps a girl and she falls in love with him.

Why We Can’t Buy Into It:
We know the problem here isn’t that women only fall for a man because of his looks. That’s bullshit, only guys do that. A woman is able to look beyond the shaggy headed, unshaven, wrinkly clothed exterior of a man to find something worthwhile on the inside. That’s the job of a lady, to find the diamond in the rough, polish it until it shines, and then introduce him to her parents. However, if that lady is kidnapped and held in a prison, then you better watch out. It doesn’t matter how many pieces of talking furniture you have, she’s gonna rip your balls off and feed them to you as soon as she has the chance.

Obviously the Beauty wants to give the Beast the benefit of the doubt in this case seeing that she doesn’t take the first opportunity available to kick him in the nuts. But, what woman in the entire world would not be freaking the hell out if she was abducted by a huge monster.

I seriously doubt being in love is ever crossing her mind as she is surrounded by talking cups and barking couch cushions while the giant beast man moans and bitches like he has fleas.

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The Movie:
Gone With The Wind

The Premise:
Guy loves a Lady who loves another Guy who loves another Lady, and there’s also a war.

Why We Can’t Buy Into It:
Wow, where do you even begin with this movie? How about the beginning when our starlet is flirting with a couple of different boys while at the same time she has this thing for a third guy. That’s three dudes she’s already into if you’re keeping score at home. After having her feelings hurt by the last dude, she runs into a fourth dude. Please be aware that I’m not exaggerating when I say that this chick was a whore. By the end of the movie she had married three of these guys, that’s 75% of the dudes she had crushes on. We’ll give her the benefit of the doubt that each of her previous husbands died before moving onto the next, but still. How about a little grieving period.

Let’s not forget that the movie is centered around the results of the Civil War, and how it affected the Southern way of life. Not only did our heroine slut herself out to every guy in town, she also went to bed with the North. Figuratively speaking of course, this wasn’t like a “Debbie Does Dallas” movie.

The movie is considered one of the greatest films of all time and received numerous awards and it certainly deserved them all, it was an amazing piece of work when it was made. We just think it’s unfair to call it a love story, considering at the end our star ends up completely alone. And it’s doubtful she was into “alone love” if you know what we mean.

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The Movie:
Ghost

The Premise:
A couple is torn apart by a robbery/murder, but they’re reunited by love.

Why We Can’t Buy Into It:
Have you seen “The Poltergeist”? Have you seen “The Grudge”? Have you seen any horror movie with a ghost in it? They’re scary as hell. That’s what ghosts do you know, they scare people. They’re not nice. Fuck “Casper”, we’re not talking about him. We’re talking about moving your shit, slamming doors, making the room hot/cold, scary, asshole ghosts. Instead, we’ve got a guy that is chained to the world by his love for a woman who teams up with a psychic to thwart the plans of his killer. We then watch as together they pull out “CSI” like detective skills to solve the case and save the day.

So how is it that this guy doesn’t cause her to go right out and call “The Ghost Busters” to come in and clean house? Oh, it’s because she’s convinced that he’s totally real and legit by a con-artist who says she can talk to ghosts. A con-artist that has a laundry list of crimes on her record at the Police Department. Nothing like a person accused of fraud on numerous occasions giving you love tips from the afterlife.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter how many bad guys a ghost kills, or how many clay pots he helps you make, it’s still gonna give you the heebie jeebies.

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There’s probably going to have to be a follow up to this article, because to be honest, there’s just way too many movies that fit into this category. What movie has stuck out like a sore thumb in your mind? Talk about it in the comment section!

The 8 Greatest Pranks To Pull This Halloween

Trick or Treat! Halloween is literally right around the corner, and we know everyone is excited about the candy and costumes. But the treats aren’t the only thing that’s fun about Halloween. Tricks can bring just as much enjoyment to you and your friends as a whole bag full of goodies.

And we’re here to help you out, because “The Man” wants to keep Halloween pranksters down.

May we present: The 8 Greatest Pranks to Pull This Halloween.

(Please note: These pranks can be done anytime at all during the year, don’t limit yourself!)

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#1 Toilet Paper a House
Tools Required: Massive Amounts of Toilet Paper

Toilet Papering a House comes in at number one because of the sheer magnitude of the prank. You don’t go out and throw one roll of toilet paper at a house, oh no, you throw 100 rolls at a house. If it’s on sale you might throw 200, but let’s not push the matter. And this isn’t a prank that just affects the prankee, the whole neighborhood is suffering the wrath of this one. It doesn’t matter if you live four houses down, you can see that toilet paper, and you know that somebody is having a bad day. Plus, the damn stuff just doesn’t pull out of the trees or clean up with a rag. It could take four to five weeks for it to rain and properly break down all of the material. If you pull this prank, you mean business.

Below: The gang of “That 70’s Show” have a toilet papering party!

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#2 Wrap a Car in Saran Wrap
Tools Required: Massive Amounts of Saran Wrap

The perfect prank to play on someone you want to mess with, but not piss off to the point that they press charges. The saran wrapped car will have no damage done to it, but without a doubt will totally screw up the day of whoever you decided to punish. It’ll take a lot of saran wrap to properly cover the entire car too, so don’t step up to the plate unprepared. Upwards of fifteen rolls may be required to ensure that your car is “protected” from the elements and other pranksters. There you go, if you get caught, you have an out. You were just protecting the car from eggs and shaving cream.

Below: Guy finds his car wrapped the next morning. Be sure to check out the part at 1:04, it’s priceless!

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#3 Pinked House
Tools Required: Massive Amounts of Pink Yard Flamingos

If a fun prank where no one gets hurt is what you’re after, you’re a weenie. But, if you’re a weenie and still want to go out and raise hell, even a diluted hell… this is for you. It’s probably also the most expensive option on the list, because you will need to buy a crap load of the super fun Pink Yard Flamingos. Of course, if you’re not interested in buying these items, you could steal them from everyone else that owns one. The flamingos must be placed in the front yard, and spread out evenly throughout the yard to get the full effect of the prank. You want it to look natural, and take a long time for the home owner to pick them all up.

Below:A kid finds his front yard littered with Pink Flamingos and does a play by play. From this video it’s easy to see why his house got pranked.

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#4 Burning Bag of Poop
Tools Required: Paper Bag, Lighter, Dog Poop

The funniest prank in the world, and the only one that has the potential to cause massive damage to a home, so be careful! First of all you need to make sure that someone is actually home before you do this prank. Secondly, make sure they don’t have a wooden deck. If either of these two issues is a concern, please don’t even try the burning sack of poo prank. The last thing you want is to burn someone’s house down. If done properly and safely, and with fresh enough poo, this prank can make your night the funniest ever. Just imagine stepping in poo, and how bad that sucks. Now imagine that poo is on fire. See, it’s worse!

Below: Old Man Clemens hates shit! This is our absolute favorite scene from “Billy Madison.”

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#5 Egg a House
Tool Required: Massive Amounts of Eggs

The most heinous of all of the pranks on this list. If you’ve ever had this done to you, and we have, you know that’s it’s disgusting and can cause some pretty major damage if not removed quickly enough. Only throw eggs at someone you don’t like at all. Because odds are, if they ever find out about it, they’ll never speak to you again, and they’ll probably throw a bag of burning poo on your wooden porch when you’re not home. Raw eggs can damage paint on cars, houses, and doors… so pick your targets well. Try a brick home for the same effect minus the damage. Or, for a whole new spin, hard boil your eggs and then toss them on the roof.

Below: Action gets started around the :30 sec mark;then it’s egg throwin’ time.

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#6 Shaving Cream Attack
Tools Required: Massive Amounts of Shaving Cream

If you choose to take it up a notch and attack someone’s house or car with shaving cream, you are throwing down the gauntlet and asking for war. It will etch itself onto painted materials, take the gloss off of a car, and dry up and be virtually impossible to get off of materials without a heavy rinse. If you want someone to come at you like in the above picture, then swing for the fence and unload a couple of cans on their new car or garage door. If you want to make an impact but not an enemy, try writing/drawing creative things in their lawn with the shaving cream. We suggest something especially vulgar, like a penis. For added fun, try filling up a balloon with shaving cream and dropping it on people/things/animals.

Below: A couple of kids become the biggest assholes in town.

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#7 Steal and Smash Pumpkins
Tools Required: Your Hands, A Hard Surface

The old classic, and probably the safest and most harmless prank of them all. You’ll still upset the guy that spent a couple hours carving the perfect monster face on his pumpkin, or the kid that painted hers all afternoon. But, they’ll get over it. Pumpkins rot fairly quick anyway, and besides… Halloween will be over by the time they discover their Jack-O-Lantern has been put to rest in the middle of the street. Be creative though in how you break the pumpkins, tossing them off of high structures and onto your friends is not recommended, but there are certainly inventive ways to take care of business. Check out the annual Punkin Chunkin Contest for example. Farthest “Chunked” Pumpkin… 4434 feet.

Below: Awesomeness.

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#8 Ding Dong Ditch
Tools Required: A Ditch, A Lack of Fear (Balls)

First of all, don’t be like the kid in the picture above. Your victim would be able to spot you a mile away in a giant red cowboy hat in the daytime. We suggest giant black cowboy hats in the middle of the night. That is, providing that you have to have a giant cowboy hat on. Otherwise, dress like a ninja. The object is to pick a house out that has a door that’s easily accessible, has a ditch or a bunch of bushes nearby, and is owned by a slow person. For the best results, have someone video taping the event, because the odds are your doorbell ringer won’t have time to enjoy the show since he’s probably going to be shot at and running for his life.

Below: Some kids hit up a house with the Ding Dong Ditch, hang around until the 2:10 mark for a funny finish.

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There’s probably a thousand different pranks that you could pull off this Halloween that would be awesome. These are just a few tried and true examples. If you have some good stories about pranks you’ve done, please tell us about them in the Comment Section.

But remember, no matter what you do, try to be safe and not cause any permanent damage to anyone’s property. Repainting the side of a house or car is not cool. Halloween is supposed to be a fun time, and you don’t want to go to jail for something silly.

Happy Halloween!

The World’s Hottest Members Of Royalty

The World’s 8 Hottest Members of Royalty

Forget about “Blue Blood” we’re talking Blue Balls with these ladies. Check out the 8 hottest queens and princesses in the entire world below. Ranked in hotness by a crown symbol. 5 Crowns for Super Hot down to 1 Crown for the Semi Hot.

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Queen Rania – Jordan

Hotness Ranking:

She became Queen in 1999 and was named 3rd Most Beautiful Woman in the World in 2005. She’s the Youngest Queen in history to ascend the throne, and is an outspoken advocate for Women’s Rights.

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Princess Madeleine – Sweden

Hotness Ranking:

She is 3rd in line to the Swedish Thrown behind her sister and brother. She enjoys horse riding and heading up an organization that is the Swedish Equivalent to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

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Princess Charlotte Casiraghi – Monaco

Hotness Ranking:

4th in line to the throne in Monaco, though she is currently a private citizen. Named one of the World’s Most Eligible Women by Vanity Fair magazine, she is now pursuing a career in journalism at The London Independent.

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Princess Haya – Jordan

Hotness Ranking:

The 2nd wife to the current Ruler of Dubai, she is an excellent athlete.  She represented Jordan at the 2000 Olympics and has served as President of the International Equestrian Federation.

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Princess Letizia – Spain

Hotness Ranking:

Formerly a News Anchor who reported at Ground Zero during the 9-11 tragedy, she became Princess in 2003 by marrying the Spainish Heir to the throne.

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Princess Victoria – Sweden

Hotness Ranking:

The current Heiress Apparent to the Throne of Sweden, she is the eldest of three children. Until she takes the throne she is a huge advocate of fund raising and public need.

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Princess Sirivannavari – Thailand

Hotness Ranking:

She is the daughter to the Crown Prince of Thailand and would be next in line for the throne above her 4 half-siblings. A huge sports player, she represented her country in the 2005 Southeast Asian Games.

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Princess Mary – Denmark

Hotness Ranking:

A woman of the world, she was born in Australia, spent time going to school in Texas, and married the prince of Denmark in 2004. She devotes her efforts to humanitarian aid, science and research, and anti-obesity.

The Goonies… Where Are They Now?

The Goonies is one of my, and I bet your, favorite movies of all time. It’s just got everything you could possible ask for in a movie. Action, suspense, mystery, comedy, a great cast, a fun plot, and Sloth.

So what’s up with The Goonies crew? Where are they now? What are they doing? Are they even alive?

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Mikey – Sean Astin

Mikey is the hero of the movie who’s out to save his neighborhood, The Goon Docks, from demolition. His goal, to find the lost treasure of the pirate One Eyed Willy. He overcomes his problems with asthma and dyslexia by being a genuinely positive and enthusiastic attitude. Mikey is played by Sean Astin. Astin went on to star in the movie Rudy, and most importantly the role of Samwise Gamgee in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. A role that would springboard him into stardom, directing opportunities, and guest starring roles. He is married and has 3 children.

Chunk – Jeff Cohen

Chunk and the truffle shuffle are probably the most memorable parts of The Goonies with the exception of Sloth. Chunk is the comic relief of the Goonies group, with that humor normally revolving around food. But in the end saves everyone from disaster by teaming up with Sloth to put a stop to the Fratellis. Chunk was played by Jeff Cohen, who has since gone on to graduate from UCLA where he studied law. Cohen now co-owns a law firm in Beverly Hills, California where he practice entertainment law.

Mouth – Cory Feldman

Mouth is the smartass obnoxious best friend of Mikey and from the start of the movie you can easily see how he got his name. He may seem to be more of a hinderance to the Goonies cause, but proves reliable at talking his way out of problems and his fluency in Spanish also plays a key role. Mouth shares a mutual crush on Stef. Cory Feldman played the part of Mouth and a virtual slew of other films in the 80’s and 90’s. Most notably The Lost Boys, Stand By Me, and two movies in the Friday the 13th series. Feldman has battled drugs and poor choices over the years. Most recently making appearances on The Surreal Life and Two Coreys with fellow child star Corey Haim.

Data – Jonathan Ke Quan

The 4th core member of the Goonies group is Data. The brains of the operation, Data is seen throughout the film using a variety of gadgets he invented modeled after his idol James Bond. Though the inventions seem a little silly and useless at first, Data goes on to save the lives of the entire group on more than one occasion. Jonathan Ke Quan started his film career along side Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and has also starred in a couple of TV shows including Head of the Class in the 90’s. Quan is now a stunt coordinator and worked on the X-Men movie.

Brand – Josh Brolin

Brand is Mikey’s older brother and at the beginning against his quest to find the gold. But, pairing his concern for his brother and the crush that he has on fellow Goonie Andy, he eventually does all he can to help. Josh Brolin had his career kickstarted with his role on The Goonies and has gone on to a successful career in acting including No Country For Old Men, American Gangster, and most recently W. He is married and has two kids.

Andy – Kerri Green

Andy is not a Goonie at the start of the movie, in fact she’s pretty much the opposite. An attractive cheerleader from the better side of town she begins the movie dating a football star that antagonizes the group before she starts up her relationship with Brand. Andy eventually solves One Eyed Willy’s most complicated puzzle with her limited knowledge of piano playing. Kerri Green played the role of Andy, and later gained critical acclaim in the movie Lucas. Since then Green has started a film production company called Independent Women Artists.

Stef – Martha Plimpton

Stef is Andy’s best friend and stands by her throughout the movie. Stef is also the opposition to the smart-alec attitude of Mouth and often butts heads with him. This later leads to flirtation. The role of Stef was portrayed by Martha Plimpton who originally gained notice as a model. She has been featured in films throughout her career including The Mosquito Coast and I Shot Andy Warhol, but has made more of an impact in television and theater. She is currently a member of The Steppenwolf Theatre Company Ensemble.

Sloth – John Matuszak

Sloth is the deformed and extra large sibling of the Fratellis, the group the Goonies are challenged by for One Eyed Willy’s gold. Sloth was dropped as a child on more than one occasion by his mother which is what caused his ugly appearance. After being tormented by his family, he befriends Chunk and helps save the day at the end. The character of Sloth was played by John Matuszak, started out his career as a Pro Football player and was a part of two Raiders Superbowl Championship teams. Matuszak would eventually be featured in several other movies and television programs including M*A*S*H, The Dukes of Hazzard, and The A-Team. He died in 1989 at the age of 38 from heart failure, possibly has a result of steroid use.

Mama Fratelli – Anne Ramsey

Mama Fratelli is the elderly and domineering matriarch of the Fratelli clan. Her sons Jake, Francis, and Sloth are the “bad guys” in The Goonies. Looking to get rich quick, Ma Fratelli hounds the kids after they stumble upon her hideout. Anne Ramsey, who was 56 when The Goonies was filmed won a Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actress for her role. She also starred in the film, Throw Momma From the Train which earned her an Oscar Nomination. She died in 1988 of throat cancer.

Jake Fratelli – Robert Davi

Jake Fratelli is the opera singing Fratelli brother who torments the Goonies and his brother Sloth. The part was played by Robert Davi who has gone on to a limited movie career including Diehard and Predator 2. But his most recognizable role was as a lead role in the sitcom The Profiler and later was a part of Stargate Atlantis. He was presented with the LIFETIME Achievement Award by the Italian Board of Directors in New York for his involvement in community. He is married and has 6 children.

Francis Fratelli – Joe Pantoliano

The brains of the Fratelli clan, Francis is often at odds with his brother. Joe Pantoliono played the role of Francis and has since succeeded in having a very successful career in film and television. He’s been featured in The Fugitive, Bad Boys, The Matrix, and Daredevil. He won an Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor for his part in The Sopranos. He is married and has four children.

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This article originally started out as a humorous look back at one of my favorite movies of all time. But, I think the movie speaks for itself. I hope you enjoyed finding out about what’s up with the cast of the Goonies as much as I did.

Top 10 Ways To Discipline A Pet… Based On Human Parenting

Having a pet is a wonderful experience. I myself own two and I love them dearly. But let’s be honest. Pets can be assholes. But they’re just that, pets and they should be kept in check.

I learned a lot from my parents, and though I don’t have children of my own, how to discipline a child is something that’s familiar to me. That same knowledge can certainly be applied to disciplining your dog.

So join me if you will as we count down the…

Top 10 Ways To Discipline A Pet… Based On Human Parenting.

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1. Timeout

If there is one form of discipline I hated more as a kid, I don’t know what it was. Being forced to sit still for any length of time was a thing of nightmares. And forget about entertainment, time outs were designed to make you suffer. If you use this to your advantage when reprimanding your dog, you’ll soon be jumping for joy at the good manners he’ll be showing. Why? Because sitting still for even 3 seconds for a dog that isn’t sleeping is next to impossible.

2. Chores

Ah, doing chores… my Mother’s favorite form of punishment for me. Why? Because I had to do something that sucked, and she got out of doing something that sucked. Vacuuming the house and doing the dishes were two popular activities my mother made me perform. You might have trouble getting your dog to go anywhere near the vacuum, and you certainly don’t want all that hair in the sink. I suggest simpler chores like fetching the paper, taking out the garbage, and taking themselves for a walk.

3. Stern Lectures

My dad was the king of stern lectures. Why? Because life was a bitch back in his day and I didn’t know just how good I had it. Well, neither does your dog. Let him know all about it! Tell him about how your boss is a jerk, and how bad your feet hurt. Mock how he sleeps all day while you sit at a desk and crunch numbers or how you sweat all day lifting heavy stuff. He doesn’t know of lucky he is, but he will after this!

4. Obedience School

Perhaps a last straw for some parents; boarding school or military academies will certainly straighten out a problem child quick, fast, and in a hurry. The same will certainly work if you send your dog off to obedience school. He’ll be away from all of his friends, have to eat terrible cafeteria food, and won’t have access to his favorite toys. He’ll come back with a diploma, new attitude, and his tail between his legs. And you’ll have the little angel you’ve always wanted, one that won’t piss on the carpet everyday.

5. Give Them A Bath

As a kid it was our eternal goal to: 1.) Have as much fun as possible & 2.) Get as dirty as we could while we did it. Our parents on the other hand saw fit to constantly have us clean and gave us bathes once and sometimes even twice a day. To a dog, a bath is like kryptonite, and you’re gonna be his Lex Luthor. Fill up the tub, throw in some bubbles, grab some towels and get ready for some work. Because though it won’t be fun for you, it’ll be even less fun for him.

6. Degrading Talk

“You can’t do that.” “You’re lazy.” “You’re friends are stupid.” Leave it up to parents to say things to us that we hold onto our entire lives. Dads especially have skill that is unsurpassed at making us feel like dipshits. Well, the world has come full circle, and now your child is sitting there on the couch with half of your sandwich left on the plate. It’s okay, call him a fat ass good-for-nothing. He ate your sandwich, and he deserves it. All he does is lay around all day anyway. Fatty fat fat.

7. Force Them to Watch TV With You

Good Lord I hated watching TV with my parents. It wasn’t that they were bad people, it’s just that they had the worst taste in entertainment ever. If it wasn’t the news, it was something in black and white, or a western. Guess who else won’t like it, your pet. Pick out something especially boring for added effect. Some dogs actually enjoy Animal Planet and Disney, at least mine do. Try out something along the lines of any show on The Home Shopping Network, he’ll be begging for your forgiveness in no time flat.

8. Make Them Wear Silly Outfits

Oh man, if only I had pics I could post of some of the stuff my mom made me wear when I was a kid. Let me help you get the picture, imagine the nerdiest kid ever. Multiply that kid by the geekiest kid ever. Now, add to that a big dose of wacky colors and turtlenecks and you have me as a kid. If your pet has been acting up, there’s few better ways to take him down a peg or two than by dressing him up in a stupid outfit. Hey, Halloween is right around the corner, so if anyone asks at least you have an excuse.

9. Embarrass Them In Front of Their Friends

This tried and true method might take place at school, home, or at a sporting event. For me, more often than not this took place at home, while playing a sport, with friends from school. So, I had the trifecta thrown down on my head. Generally it took the form of my dad playing sports with me and my buds, and since he was bigger and meaner than all of us, he made me look like that PC guy from the Macintosh commercials playing against Shaquille O’Neal. Apply this same aggression to embarrass your pet infront of other pets by calling him a cat or something. This is especially easy if you own a dachshund.

10. Make Him Play With Someone He Doesn’t Like

My mom is an angel, she really is. But, like all angels, she has a soft spot for the oddball kids in this world. You know the type. The one who picked his nose and ate it while he played with his sister’s easy bake oven. Well, my mom, being the angel that she was, never wanted that kid to play alone. So, she set up playdates for me to go over to his house or vice versa. Goodtimes were had by nobody. If your pet is being especially stupid, maybe he should go play with the neighbor’s dog that’s always licking it’s balls. Or a goat. He’ll wise up, and get his shit together.

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Let me reaffirm that I love dogs. I’ve always had at least one that I lived with. That’s why I know this information is invaluable. I believe creative discipline is the way to a well behaved child or pet. So, take this advice, have fun, and congratulations on the new attitude your pet has.

No pets were harmed in the making of this guide, they were just made to look like silly gooses.

15 Pop Culture Halloween Costumes That’ll Make You Look Stupid

You know guys have it pretty damn rough when it comes to Halloween. We have about 3 options for costumes.

#1 Something Scary

#2 Something Funny

#3 Something Cool from Pop Culture

The first option is pretty self explanatory; ghosts, zombies, monsters. The second option is also easy to get, take a joke and run with it; black eyed pea, pimp, or fat stripper. But the third option is where we run into some snags.

As a kid, Halloween was our opportunity to be something we couldn’t be in real life, if only for one night. And you know what, we ran with it. If we wanted to be He-Man, we were He-Man. But, as adults, the expectations change. It didn’t matter as kids, because no one had a good memory, and we were all focused on the candy anyway. But, as adults, our cred is on the line, and if you wear the wrong Halloween costume, you’re done for. Forget dating, forget that cool new job, forget friends!

Below, The 15 Most Pathetic Excuses For Pop Culture Halloween Costumes. Long story short, don’t try any of these!

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1.) Optimus Prime – Huge movie and even bigger cartoon series. Optimus Prime and the other Transformers were more than meets the eye, not you though, you’re obviously gonna be a dipshit in this.

2.) Batman – It’s going to be one of the hottest outfits this Halloween, like it has been for 20 years or so…and it will still suck. You might make the excuse that you’re classic Batman; no one will buy it.

3.) The Joker – Our prediction is that 2 out of every 5 people this Halloween will attempt to be The Joker…key word, attempt. Unless you’re paying someone to do your make up, you’re just a clown.

4.) Capt. Jack Sparrow – This isn’t just a pirate outfit, it’s the official Jack Sparrow pirate outfit.  Unless you are Johnny Depp, just stick with plain ol’ pirate.

5.) Hulk – Now we finally know the reason the Hulk is so pissed off, he has the worst Halloween costume on the planet. And flesh colored hands and feet.

6.) Spider-man – We love the movies, we love the comics, but you couldn’t pay us enough to wear this outfit out of the house. Looks more like pajamas.

7.) Darth Vader – The outfit as a whole really isn’t that bad, but there’s two big problems. First Darth had gloves, and second he didn’t ever wear casual slacks and wingtips.

8.) King Leonidas – If you don’t have the muscles, please don’t try and be a Spartan for Halloween, fake ones don’t count. It doesn’t matter how “real” it looks.

9.) Aragorn – Oh, that’s a really awesome Frodo Baggins Hobbit outfit! Wait… oh you’re Aragorn, didn’t he have a bigger sword?

10.) Shrek – That confused look on Shrek’s face? He just can’t believe someone could look like such an incredible huge jackass.

11.) Stewie Griffin – One of the funniest characters on television, Stewie brings laughter into the homes of millions. You’ll also cause laughter, but it’ll be because people will make fun of you.

12.) Eric Cartman – The biggest little potty mouth in South Park has his own Halloween costume. If you wear it, you’ll literally be the sand in the vagina of any party you go to.

13.) Lucky the Leprachaun – This costume comes complete with the Charms you’ll find in Lucky’s cereal. You’ll need each and everyone if you hope to be lucky enough not to get eggs thrown at you.

14.) Fred Flintstone – He’s been in cartoons and movies, he has his own cereal and vitamins, Fred Flintstone has it all, including a ridiculous Halloween outfit modeled after him.

15.) Master Chief – One can only guess at the amount of carnage Master Chief would inflict on the world were he to see this costume. You’ll probably have to settle for the wedgie your buddies will give you.

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Well, you’ve been warned. If you value your life as you know it, avoid these and the other ridiculous costumes on sale this Halloween, and go for something more traditional.

Also, be sure to share your crazy Halloween costume/party/experience stories in the comment section!