5 People Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

Don’t let people fool you, everyone in the world is looking for someone to love, and to be loved by. It’s ingrained in the human psyche to long for affection, comfort, respect, and affirmation. Sometimes that desire is so strong, people are willing to attach themselves to inanimate objects, a trait called Objectophilia. Johnny Lee’s song “Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places” is all about the troubles and heartaches involved in finding the right person to love. We’re pretty sure these people were the inspiration of every damn word that Johnny sang.

It’s the Top 5 People Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places!


The Lover: Erika La Tour Eiffel

The Loved: The Eiffel Tower

Erika is a former soldier who lives in San Francisco, California. Being a woman who suffered assorted trauma as a child, she grew up unable to form lasting, loving relationships with other humans. This might make you feel sorry for Erika, but don’t. She’s quite content with her love life, and has probably had more relationships than you. Her first love was named Lance, a bow. No, not boy… bow. As in archery. As in, not Robin Hood, but his trusty ash bow and arrows. As in, this lady liked archery so much that she fell in love with the bow that helped her become a world class archer. Young love is short and sweet, and Erika eventually moved on to a relationship with the Berlin Wall, and has also carried on a long term physical relationship with a piece of fence she keeps in her bedroom. We’re not sure what kind of fence, and we don’t want to imagine.

She now only has eyes for the Eiffel Tower and even legally changed her last name to make the union official in the eyes of the court. The crazy court. This most recent foray took her half way across the world to Paris, France where she joined the Parisian landmark in Holy Matrimony on June 4th, 2008. Though the ceremony lacked much of the pomp and circumstance that is popular at a regular wedding, it was attended by 12 of Erika’s closest friends, 20 pigeons, and about 500 other people that just happened to be climbing around on her beloved tower.


The Lover: Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer

The Loved: The Berlin Wall

Eija has spent much of her adult life in a relationship she developed as a child of 7. The object of her desire was spotted on television in her parent’s house back in 1961, and she knew it was meant to be. She was going to being Mrs. Berlin Wall. The wall was constructed by the Soviets and immediately caught Eija’s eye, due to the way the wall was built. “I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy,” she’s quoted as saying. If that’s the case…

Mrs. Berliner-Mauer, which is German for Mrs. Berlin Wall, lives in Northern Sweden, married the wall on her 6th visit to it. Her ceremony was simple, and shared by a few close friends. When asked if there’s any other walls she finds good looking? She said “”The Great Wall of China’s attractive, but he’s too thick – my husband is sexier.” This just goes to show you, that everyone, even Objectophiliacs are more into looks than personality. The Great Wall is a nice guy, so what if he’s a little “thick.” As if to confirm our theory, after the Berlin Wall was “torn down”, Eijn complained that they had mutilated her husband and has since started up a relationship with a nearby yard fence. Really, another fence?


The Lover: Joachim A.

The Loved:  A Steam Locomotive

Though Joachim A. hasn’t taken the plunge and married his Steam Locomotive. He’s been pretty faithful to it for the past few years. You see, guys just have a harder time settling down. And with good reason, Joachim says “We’re by no means just straightforward fetishists” referring to himself and other like minded Object Lovers. With people attuned to objectophilia, it’s not about having nice things so you can score with chicks. It’s all about having nice things so you can score with the nice things. Like a sweet sports car.

Joachim, 41, was only 12 when he realized that he was different. He fell head over heels “into an emotionally and physically very complex and deep relationship, which lasted for years” with a freaking pipe organ. Sure, most 12 year olds are liable to hump just about anything being that they are at the peek of puberty. But, whereas most young men are flipping through a J.C. Penny’s catalog to look at the bra section, Joachim got his rocks off from the technical workings of machines. Kind of how a woman can get off with a vibrator, only not even remotely arousing to watch.


The Lover: Taichi Takashita

The Loved: A Comic Book

Who hasn’t fallen in love with a character in a book or magazine? i know plenty of guys who have spent quality time with a Playboy magazine in a room with a locked door. The thing is, those relationships only last a couple of minutes. For Taichi Takashita, it’s a more long-term relationship that he’s after. On his website, he has written, “I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world.” Takashita, is looking to hook up with a comic book. In Japan, it is illegal for anyone to marry anyone or anything other than a member of the opposite sex, but,  Taichi is out to change that. And you know what, he might just be on to something…

He has started a website that he is using to petition the government to change their laws. He needs 1 Million signatures to even draw any attention, so far he has one thousand. But that’s only after a week. If he keeps his current pace, he’ll have reached his goal in a little over 19 years. So, don’t hold your breath. Japanese comics, or manga are beloved by young and old alike, and some often take that love to extremes. Even current Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso recently complained to the media because he has been “too busy” to enjoy his comics.


The Lover: Ulli Hopper

The Loved: A Pineapple

By far the “sweetest” relationship on our list is one that only happened on a whim. Ulli Hopper, better known as German Pop Star Ramma Damma picked up his bride for around $16 dollars 38 years ago, and married her in Scotland. Tippi, the pineapple, and Hopper honeymooned in Gretna Green. Gretna Green is a town on the West Coast of Scotland, and was home to one of the original folk stories of a person marrying an inanimate object. There, according to legend, a local blacksmith wed his anvil. The town, along with all of Scotland, was, in the past at least, wide open to “irregular marriages.” Being a haven of sorts, not unlike Las Vegas in the United States, for those who wished to get married when they shouldn’t. Kind of like both of Britney Spear’s weddings.

In his hometown of Munich, Ulli Hopper is a conservationist known as the Green Rebel, the only Rebel less intimidating than the Yellow Rebel that refuses to eat mustard, lemons, squash, and bananas. In Germany, he runs the nation’s only plant sanctuary, home to over 300 plants. He’s completely self sufficient, growing his own food and brewing his own Plum Cider. I guess you would need to be pretty self sufficient if your wife was a pineapple and probably rotted away a couple months after you got married.


If you’ve been inspired (and by “inspired” we mean, made you laugh) to try a relationship with an inanimate object, say your Nintendo Wii or your favorite flavor of Fruit By The Foot, this website actually offers advice on how to go about your relationship. Who knows, it might even work out better than the last trainwreck you called a date.

Also, for some more fun, be sure to check out on BBC Men in love with life sized dolls.

Preachers That Are Batshit Crazy Insane

Sharing the Good Word comes in many forms. Pastors are constantly challenged by how they will get through to the masses, to share what God has planned for them in Heaven.

“5… 5 Dollar… 5 Dollar Foot long.”

So how is a Minister supposed to reach out and bring the lost home? Apparently it’s by being completely out of their minds. As seen below with the…

Top 10 Preachers That Are Batshit Crazy Insane.

STOP! I lost a contact lense!

Some of these Preachers are from TV, some from College Campuses, and some from inside their churches. Apparently craziness knows no bounds.

*Please keep in mind that some of these videos are kinda long, please allow them time to load up.*


#10 – “You Guys Gotta Call Me On Regular Phones, These Cellphones Are Horrible!”

#9 – LOL!

#8 – “Are You Using Profanity Son? Then You’re In Trouble With God.”

#7 – “God won’t accept…”

#6 – “Mother Nature Don’t Do That!”

#5 – “Gaaaaaaaawwwwwwdddddd!!!!!”

#4 – “SU-PER-S-T-D!”

#3 – “Get Wasted!”

#2 – “Satanists Melt Babies Into Candles!”

#1 – “I Come In The Name Of Jesus, Repeat It After Me Bitch!”


Just so everyone knows, we at Gremlindog honestly have the utmost respect for anyone that has the guts to be a minister/preacher/pastor/priest. But geez… these guys are just a little too far gone. Ever had something like this happen to you on campus, at your church, or have you seen a program like this on TV? Tell us about it in the Comments Section!

“What Now?” A Post-Election Conversation Guide

First of all, congratulations to the new President of The United States of America.

Now, on to why we’re writing this today. You see, there’s a major problem about to sweep through the United States. It has nothing to do with the economy, gas prices, interest rates, war, or anything bad. But, nonetheless it is still a major problem and one that must be addressed.

The problem is this: What the hell are we supposed to talk about now that the election is over? The election has come and gone friends; it has ceased to be. And unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that every television, every newspaper, every magazine, every website, and every billboard has had something about the election on or in it for months on end. We’ve been bombarded so hard by election coverage, commentary, and advertising that we haven’t been able to function outside the realms of the election itself. And now it’s done, and we’re left out to dry.

So, as you gather in the break room at work for coffee, or sit down to dinner with your family, or as you meet your neighbor at the mailbox to grab the bills; what are you going to say to each other. What words are going to come out of your mouth? The last thing you need is to be put on the spot and have nothing more to contribute than an dumb looking face and a great big “uhhhhh.”

Sure, you might be thinking to yourself, “Hey no biggie. I’ll just talk about Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live or Joe Plumber. Or I could show off the funny pictures that people photoshopped of John McCain with his tongue out.” Well, that’s all fine and dandy, except for it’s old news and no one gives a shit about any of that anymore.

You’re going to have to step up friends, and find something else to converse about. To email people. To laugh at. And we are here to help. We know it’s going to be difficult to melt back into a society without an election to talk about. You may be scared, or tentative to even try. And that’s what we’re here for. To aid you in your struggle and get you back on your feet.

With the… Top 5 Post-Election Conversation Topics

Please take caution while using this guide, because not all topics may be relevant to the situation you might have found yourself in. If you’re having an intimate moment with your lover, it might not be prudent to bring up Topic #3 or if you and your boss are out to a lunch meeting with a client, please steer away from Topic #2.

In fact to help you out in your quest, we suggest printing out this guide and posting it in your cubicle, putting it in your pocket, and hanging it on the fridge. It’s good to be prepared.


Topic #1 – Did You See The Big Game?

Oh, a classic, and one that has been all but forgotten for the past year or so, sports! There’s been a lot of great games, and now’s the perfect time to bring it up in conversation! We advise choosing a game that has some kind of importance at the time. Don’t go and bring up a little league match that you played in as a kid. Talk about the Monday Night Football Game or the opening match up between your hometown (or nearby) basketball team. Don’t try to bring up any stats, because odds are, you don’t know any. Be sure to throw in phrases like, “That guy was on fire,” or “Did you see the big play,” and stay clear of comments like “Kobe Bryant looks so good in yellow, I hope he never leaves the Lakers.”

Any sport will work, and we suggest finding a team to stick with for all of your converstations regarding the subject. A college team near where you live is perfect. For added effect, purchase an item of clothing featuring your team of choice. Wear it on “game day.”

Topic #2 – Did you see that movie?

Another classic that can be used in most conversations. The best part about the subject is that movies are universal. It doesn’t matter if you live in New York City or London, there are movie theaters and movies everywhere. And odds are, you might have seen one recently. Now is your opportunity to bring it up. Talk about the action or romance, or both if it’s a retarded Sandra Bullock movie. Talk about the incredible special effects, the awesome fight scene, and the funny way Wall-E said “Eve-a.” You’ll probably notice that your friends and co-workers have also seen movies, and before you know it, you’re in and out of a nice discussion without even the slightest mention of politics. However, movies aren’t the perfect topic. Even film has it’s downfalls where you can make a conversation mistake and ruin everyone’s day. If you remember anything else at all today, remember this. Porn is a type of movie.

But that does not make it acceptable to bring up in conversation with the following: parents, parents-in-law, religious figures, small children, or people you run into from high school.

Topic #3 – Hey, isn’t that chick totally hot?

Even gay guys can agree that a hot chick is hot. And being that it’s a subject that all men can have fun discussing, pointing out and talking about the attractiveness of a woman is a surefire conversation A+ for almost any situation. The first step in bringing a hot chick into a conversation is to ensure that the chick in reference is, in fact, hot. You might look like an asshole if you say to your buddies that you’ve got the hots for Jenna Jameson. Yeah, she was smoking hot, 10 years ago. But have you seen her lately? Good God that woman is broken! Be conservative of your opinions when breaching the subject of female hotness. Freshen up your “opinions” by reading a good magazine full of pictures of hot chicks.

See what others think before forming your own opinion. You’ve been out of the loop for several months now with the whole election business. The closest thing to a hottie you’ve seen is Sarah Palin, and though she is indeed better looking then either of the presidential candidates, she just doesn’t compare to some of the world’s finest looking women.

Topic #4 – Have you played the new XBox360/Playstation3/Wii Game?

If you don’t own a video game system you may want to just skip right on past this idea to the next topic. But, if you do own one, and it’s not covered in dust… then you are sitting on a gold mine of conversation options. The best and easiest choice is “have you played <insert game name>?” because this opens up three doors. The first door  is if the person says “yes I have” when questioned. You then can say; “me to”, or “I haven’t, how it was.” Secondly, they’ll say “no I haven’t” and to that you can say; “me neither“, or “I have and it rocked.” The 3rd door is the trickiest handle. Because when asking a question about playing… some people might confuse your question with one intended for a child. Say perhaps, your boss. Who is also your father-in-law. Asking him (unless he’s the coolest damn dude on the planet) whether or not he’s “Played the new game on the Wii” could easily turn foul. Because in his waxy old man ears, your innocent question might turn into “Have you played any games with your weiner?”

Father-in-laws hate talking about their weiners. And so do bosses. Also avoid this question when talking to the police unless you want to get carted off to jail.

Topic #5 – Have you seen the latest website that is taking the internet by storm?

A multidimensional weapon of conversation, the internet is your failsafe. If push comes to shove, and you find yourself simply unable to carry on a decent dialogue with anyone, start talking about something you saw on the internet. For goodness sake, don’t act like you aren’t constantly on the net screwing around anyway. You’re on it right now! And surely during all of those hours you’ve managed to pick up something that has a little weight to it. Something you can share with your buddy as you work out at the gym. Or with your fiance as you make dinner together. It could be some funny picture you spotted of the world’s largest wood pecker. Or maybe a funny video of a man in a kangaroo outfit bouncing around ruining everyone’s day. Or a cool article about Where the Cast of the Goonies are Now. However if you’re one of those that only accesses the internet to look at boobies and LOLcats then you’re shit out of luck.

Unless the boobies belonged to a really hot chick, and then you can revert back to Topic #3!


It’s gonna be an uphill battle friends, but I promise you this. We can find things to talk about Post-Election. Together, we can make a difference. Send this list to friends, co-workers, and family members and be sure to post other great conversation starters in the Comments Section.

The Hilarious History of Our Favorite Gestures

A History Of Gestures
Sorry, it’s true, you’re dad wasn’t the first person to ever flip someone the bird. And your mom wasn’t the first to throw up a peace sign. The high five? Around long before you gave one to your buddy who scored with that ugly chick.
So what’s the history behind our favorite gestures?


The Middle Finger
People Who Use It: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, George W. Bush, Anyone Who Drives

The finger, the bird, the universal symbol for saying “Fuck You” finds its roots in the most unlikely place. Ancient Greek Literature namely The Grecian Comedy “The Clouds” by Aristophanes. According to the book “Gestures and Their Origins” there are several occurrences in this play where one character extends his longest finger in the direction of a woman (or man, crazy Greeks); a motion that was meant to convey a desire to fornicate.

The phallic thrusting movement that “flipping the bird” is based on was most likely contrived from monkeys and apes. You see monkeys and apes, the classy fellas they are, enjoy thrusting their penises at potential mates. This is similar to the way men point their boners at women now.

But how did something as nice as a proposition for sex turn into something so negative? Well, remember that dick-waving chimpanzee? He also used his penis against competition, and by showing how large it was made his opponents feel inferior. One thing led to another, and eventually digitus impudicus (the indecent finger) had become mankind’s way of flopping his junk around without actually flopping his junk around.

The Peace Sign
People Who Use It: Winston Churchill, Richard Nixon, Hippies

The Peace sign had nothing to do with peace at all at its conception. Unless you consider peace fighting in a war. Legend has it that the French Military, who apparently didn’t used to suck, would cut off the fingers of opponent’s archers so they would be unable to draw a bow. Those who were still able to pull a bow string would flaunt their intact fingers, presumably right before they shot people with arrows right in the face.

However, it’s Winston Churchill who lays claim to the more recent use of the Peace Sign, way back when it was called the Victory Sign. You might say that the good guys were looking for a slogan to stand behind and repeat over and over like that old Ace of Base song “I Saw The Sign.” V for Victory was the “theme song” they came up with for the Allies during World War II.

The Peace Sign would later be used by another world leader, Richard Nixon as he exited office and boarded Air Force One. Perhaps as a joke that no one got, since he wasn’t exactly victorious at anything but doing shitty political things and being the only President to ever resign. But, the Hippies of the sixties and seventies are who we can thank for the Peace Sign we know and love today. It’s probably because they were totally wasted all of the time but they adopted the Victory Sign to use as a protest symbol during the Vietnam War. This would kinda be the equivalent of eating a Big Mac to boycott fatty foods.

Devil Horns
People Who Use It: The Beatles, Ronnie James Dio, Texas Longhorns Fans

The Horns gesture is often referred to as a sign of the devil, or the “horned god” of pagan religion. Possibly derived from the shape of a goat’s head, an animal often associated with Satan. The first use of the gesture was said to be in the middle ages as a way to ward off evil.

The gesture is also used to convey infidelity by holding it up behind another’s head. Sort of like the bunny ears assholes put over their friends heads in every picture they ever take. The gesture is especially popular in Italy where the Horns label them as a “cuckold” or unfaithful person. Perhaps to show that they are the devil because they cheated. We can only guess at what John Lennon intended by having the gesture featured on the cover of The Beatle’s “Yellow Submarine” album.

The gesture made its way into the world of rock with the help of Ronnie James Dio of Black Sabbath fame. Though he his quoted as saying he doesn’t feel he is the first to use the Horns, he must be pretty damned proud of the gesture. Because every single picture of him on the internet features him posing and throwing up devil horns.

You’ll also spot the Horns at sporting events for the University of Texas Longhorns and the University of South Florida Bulls though it’s still to be determined if it’s just a stadium full of people pointing out cheaters and Satanists or actual fans of the teams.

The Shaka
People Who Use It: Frank Fasi, Ronaldinho, Surfers

You might consider it the international sign for “hang loose” but the Shaka Sign is so much more. It also means, “all right” “cool” and “smooth.” The history behind the gesture is actually a rather sad story. According to the Polynesian Cultural Center the first man to use the Shaka Sign was Kalili Hamana a man who worked at a Sugar Mill. While there he lost his three middle fingers. His “all clear” hand signal, which obviously wasn’t used pre-accident, developed into what we now know as the Shaka. Ironically the Shaka Sign was developed by a guy that couldn’t do anything with his hands other than make the Shaka Sign… talk about irony.

Former Honolulu Mayor Frank Fasi picked up the hand gesture and used it in two campaigns and gave the Shaka some publicity. Senator Barack Obama, possibly following in Fasi’s example has even used the gesture in his own “I’m Younger and So Much Cooler Than McCain” campaign.

World famous soccer player Ronalinho has given the Shaka new life throwing it up when celebrating. Note we said “celebrating” and not making a goal. If it was just scoring he’d only get to do it like once a week because it takes forever to score in a soccer game. And we bet he likes to use the Shaka Sign a lot more than that. Other places you might find the Shaka are anywhere there’s a surfer, and anywhere there is a tourist with a camera and a palm tree within 50 feet.

Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down
People Who Use It: Roman Emperors, Siskel & Ebert, Hitchhikers

The Thumbs Up or Down gesture or pollice verso was given birth in the coliseums of Rome. At the end of a fight of gladiators, one would stand victorious… it was up to the people to decide whether or not the loser would live or die. Thumbs Up and the competitor would live; Thumbs Down and he lost his life. Unless the winner was Russell Crowe, and he’d eff the whole thing up for everyone.

Approval and disapproval is the name of the game in a thumb gesture, and the gesture was eventually picked up by Siskel & Ebert, two guys who made a living watching movies and telling people what they thought about it for about 40 years. A job that we bet would totally rock if you weren’t Siskel and had to spend all of your time with Ebert, the weirdest looking dude on the planet.

The Thumbs Up is also widely recognized as a symbol of needing a lift. Head down any highway and you’re bound to see hitchhikers. They will stand on the side of the road with their arm extended and thumb up until some nice person gives them a ride. And by “gives” we mean “exchanges for oral sex.”


Well, there you go. What’s your favorite gesture to use? Tell us about it in the Comments Section!