Women as we know them are an odd bunch indeed. It goes without saying that they are an enigma to any man who they come into contact with. But, oh how we love them. We attribute this love to 90% sex, 5% dinner, and 5% affirmation, but I think it’s more than that. Sure, those things all add up to a pretty good day, and they’re all essential to the well being of any man. Yet, there’s still more a woman brings to the relationship, and that is her quirks.
I can remember the first time I walked into the bathroom to find an odd container perched atop the commode.
“Honey!” I shouted, “Your sister left her baby wipes here!”
“No sweetie,” she assured me, “those are for you.”
For me? I remember almost passing out thinking she was pregnant.
“LOL!” she lol’d at me, “they’re great, and not just for babies anymore.”
And that’s what we’re here to share today. The nontraditional uses for baby wipes taught to me by my wife.
First and foremost should be it’s obvious use, bathroom cleanup. Babies of course have issues cleaning up their rear ends, so someone thought up the concept of easy to carry, always ready wet wipes. These wipes use water and a light cleaner or alcohol to clean faces, hands, and now bottoms. Nurses use similar moist towelettes to spot clean, as do people who enjoy ribs.
“If you think my face looks like a mess, wait until you see the other end.”
Of course these issues with cleanliness didn’t seem to be a problem for grown ups. We’ve gone hundreds of years without the use of baby wipes, why should we need them now. Heck, it wasn’t all that long ago that people didn’t clean themselves at all. So, why all the fuss about wet wipes for adults? Because we don’t wanna look like a bear with dingleberries.
The next, and more creative use would have to be pet clean up. Puppies have a tendency to get into all kinds of messes. Digging holes, rolling in stinky stuff, or getting into the garbage are all popular past times for a dog. You might say they’re assholes.
A dog, probably rolling in cat shit, being an asshole.
And if you own a dog, you know what an enormous undertaking it is to bath them. Unless they’re tiny sized and you can put them in the dishwasher, you’re forced to fill up the tub, grab fifty towels, and hope for the best. Of course, 9 times out of 10, the dog will exit the tub long before you’ve completed the cleaning process and will have his way with your home by spreading his wet dirtiness onto everything.
So, that’s where the handy baby wipe comes into play. Dog has dirty paws? Grab a wipe and clean him up. Dog has a dirty mouth? We told you to close the door to the closet with the litter box in it.
Next up, is after sex clean up. Hey, you’re not always ready to take a shower right? And the truth is you may not even be in a location where showering is an option.
Mile high club… no showers… 2 hour flight… gross
So, what’s the perfect little answer to this problem? Wet wipes. Whether you’re on a plane, a train, the car, or you’re just a lazy bastard that doesn’t want to get out of bed to walk 10 feet to the bathroom, wet wipes have the problem well in hand. They’re great for women and men. Finally, something we can agree on. You know what? This just might be the thing that brings peace to the world!
The final, and perhaps most important use for the baby wipe is the whore bath. In case you have no idea what it is we’re talking about, let’s check in with our friends at Urbandictionary.com to help clear things up. They define the whore bath as follows. “To wash up the stinkiest parts with a small washcloth and hot water in the sink – MAYBE a dash of soap, MAYBE.” Sounds gross right? Well, that’s not even the worst of the definitions. And no, we’re not gonna list the nastier definition, because we are above using tacky, tasteless humor.
Why take a whore bath? You’re no whore by any means, so what use would it serve you? Because sometimes, your hands are tied. Camping of course comes to mind where you may be without the luxury of a tub, soap, or running water. That’s when you reach into your bag, pull out a wet wipe and clean the dirtiest parts of your body. These places being the pits, crotch, and crack. The P.C.C. if you will.
Well, there you have it. Some uses for baby wipes you might not have thought about before. Sure, most of them are kinda gross. But, that’s life; full of poo, snot, and sweat. Life is disgusting.
Gremlindog.com is always interested in expanding our horizons. You just never know when the next big thing is going to hit, and that will be the answer to all our problems. It might be playing the stock market, a new investment, or new invention… but we’re bound and determined that there’s a new and exciting opportunity just waiting around the corner.
So, we’re featuring a new segment on Gremlindog called “Unusual Ways People Make Money.” The segment will feature oddball jobs that you may or may not have known exsisted with a little history and insight. Who knows, we might help you find your next big career.
Today’s feature is: Bee Keeping
Ahh, honey. It goes good on biscuits, bears love it, and it’s made by bees. But, as of today, we are unable to train bees to drive tiny sized 18 wheelers to deliver the honey to little bee factories where it’s packaged in those fun bear shaped plastic containers. So, humans are forced to raise them. And harvest their honey. Which leads to being around a lot of bees. Which is crazy as hell.
Legally Insane
The Beekeeper profession has been around for awhile, with major operations beginning as early as the 1800’s when Petro Prokopovych set up shop. Prokopovych, a Ukrainian with a military backround, began studying bees as a hobby during retirement. He’s credited with developing a special frame that the bees would build honeycombs on, which could be removed from their hive box to acquire the honey itself. This method was applauded by the beekeeping community which up until that point had relied on the tried and true “stick your hand in and see what comes out” method originally invented by Winnie the Pooh.
Petro Prokopovych had at the peak of his career some 6600 colonies of bees on his property. Today farms have numbers totalling in the tens of thousands. The Adee Farm in South Dakota alone has over 40,000 colonies of bees. Enough bees to kill approximately 400 Macaulay Culkins if we’ve done our math correctly. Other than the obvious prize of honey, beekeepers acquire pollen and beeswax, and also act as a service to produce farmers by providing pollination for fruits and vegetables.
So what’s the perk here? Why would someone want to take on the responsibility of raising a couple million bees? Because the average beekeeper makes around $40,000 a year. Couple that with all the honey you can eat, and beekeepers have it pretty good.
Fighting is by definition: A battle or combat; contest or struggle; an angry argument; or disagreement.
On the internet… it’s whatever the hell we want it to be.
Back for another go around, it’s 10 More Epic Battles That Won’t Ever Happen… But You Wish Would.
It’s time for Round 2 Ladies and Gentlemen, and are we in for a show tonight! We’ve got Animal vs. Animal, Hero vs. Hero, Beast vs. Beast, Spy vs. Spy, Alien vs. Alien, Soldier vs. Soldier, and for the first time Hottie vs. Hottie. So, grab some popcorn, some beer, put on some music that makes your heart race… (Gremlindog.com suggests “The Final Countdown” by Europe – link to video below)
First and foremost allow me to say that we love animals, and the last thing we want is for them to hurt each other. But, holy shit! A polar bear going toe to toe with a gorilla! Sign us up for front row tickets. Not sure if anyone other than us watched the Golden Compass, but that movie starred a Polar Bear, and he was a badass who at one point in the movie knocked the LOWER JAW off of a rival bear! And of course, King Kong was just a giant sized Gorilla right? A giant sized gorilla that fought 3 freaking Tyrannosaurus Rexs! Game on!
The Polar Bear is the world’s largest predator found on land. Let’s go over that one more time. Largest predator found on land. Their feet alone are around 12 inches across, making them wider than the average dinner plate. Weighing in at up to 1500 pounds, this behemoth is nothing to be trifled with. Some cars don’t even weigh 1500 pounds! And the Polar Bear has to be big, he lives in one of the most inhospitable places on earth, the Arctic Circle. The Polar Bear’s diet consists mostly of seals, which it pulls out of the ocean with a paw, and bites on the head to kill.
The Gorilla can be found in a few remote areas of Africa, in jungle type settings. Gorillas are the largest of the all primates, and a male silver back gorilla can weigh as much as 600 pounds. Due to the fact that they live primarily in warm climates, this is all muscle and bone. Couple that strength with an animal intelligent enough to use simple sign language and crude tools, the gorilla is a force to be reckoned with. The gorilla along with the chimpanzee are human’s closest relatives and for the most part herbivores. That doesn’t mean they can’t rumble, a Gorilla in the wild will fight to the death if necessary to defend it’s pack.
So who wins, the beast with the bulk or the one with the brain. Being that the two animals live halfway across the world, we can’t really expect either to fight the other on it’s home turf which would give each an advantage. So, let’s say we bring them both together right here in America. After recovering from their flights, the animals crank up the action. Though certainly dominate on the size side, the Polar Bear has nothing on the Gorilla’s brain, besides the fact that he has a hankering for a Coca-Cola. That distraction is all it takes.
Muscle vs. Muscle, funny ways of talking (sure we know Arnie is from overseas, what’s Sly’s excuse?), and more guns than…well, let’s just say it’s a lot of guns. These guys both have a hankering for an ass whooping, and for the first time in both of their careers, they might finally have a match. Now, if we can just understand what the hell they’re trying to say.
John Rambo is a Green Beret and Vietnam War veteran struggling to make it in the regular world. He’s trained in survival techniques, weaponry, hand to hand combat, guerrilla warfare, and blowing shit up. Rambo, a name “inspired by force” has killed a lot of dudes. 1 (on purpose) in First Blood, 69 in Rambo II and 132 in Rambo III. In his latest trip to the theater, Rambo takes out over 236 people. Grand total of 438. How’d he manage to kill so many people? Let’s just say there was a lot of gunfire and explosions.
John Matrix claims that he eats Green Berets for breakfast. And is retired from whatever Armed Forces division he was a part of. Well trained in the use of heavy weaponry, including a M202A1 Flash, a four barrelled rocket launcher. Matrix is equally adept at hand to hand fighting and killing assholes. Commando being the only appearance by John Matrix, he didn’t waste anytime racking up the body count. Death total: 146; with 138 of those people dieing within a 4 minute time frame. Don’t mess with a man’s daughter.
The fight of the century perhaps, Rambo vs. Matrix is gonna be a ball buster. We’ve allowed both men their choice of weapons, and placed them in the middle of a huge jungle. We’ll have to wait out here for the results, because, well, none of us want to die. BOOM!…….. Okay folks, apparently the entire jungle just blown up. We can only assume that the two have killed each other. Sure, it may seem like the easy way out of finding a winner in this fight. But, do you honestly want to stick around if one of them is still alive and pissed off?
Winner: Tie
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Battle #3
Ookla the Mok vs. Chewbacca the Wookie
One is a supporting star of one of the biggest film franchises of all time, the other is the partner of a barbarian on a cartoon that rivaled He-man. It’s Mok (whatever the hell that is) vs. Wookie (whatever the hell that is) in this Battle of the guys who no one understands when they talk. Wait, didn’t we just have this fight?
Ookla the Mok is a cat/monkey/man hybrid, the pure essence of who knows what. He is the muscle behind Thundarr the Barbarian, which is saying something… because Thundarr was a freakin’ barbarian. He stood taller than a man, and one can only assume that he was quite a bit stronger than the average dude. He was brave, emphatic, and compassionate. His trusty steed was an Equort, a horse and insect crossbreed. His primary weapon, other than his fists and ability to pick up and throw things, is a bow. Fun fact about Ookla the Mok, his name was based upon his creator’s favorite college, UCLA.
Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. First mate to Han Solo on the Millenium Falcon, Chewbacca is well known as a hero to the Republic for his role in aiding the Rebel Alliance in overthrowing the Empire in the Original Star Wars Trilogy. Standing a foot and shoulders taller than a man, Chewie is a master mechanic, pilot, and warrior. Is favorite weapon is a bowcaster, capable of powerful short range energy charged shots. But, he is equally as deadly with his body as a weapon. Fun fact, Wookies are forbidden to use their claws during combat.
At one point or another, we’ve loved both of these guys. But, the time comes when you’ve got to choose sides, and that time is now. Sure, Ookla is said to be a little less than smart, and he does have a “horse.” But that horse kinda looks like it’s been hit with the ol’ ugly and stupid stick. Not to mention he’s still fighting with a bow and arrow. Chewbacca saddles up with a bowcaster and a spaceship, so he’s kindof got a leg up on the Mok. On the other hand, if you were to look at the pictures above, Chewbacca kinda looks like our grandma did that night her dog got on the table and ate part of dinner. It’s hard to get behind someone in a fight that looks like a distressed Grandma.
Winner: Ookla the Mok
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Battle #4
Hydra vs. Cerberus
Two great beasts of legend get ready to tangle next. At one point in both the Cerberus and Hydra’s careers they were bested by Hercules. But, that’s not to say they wouldn’t make for a rocking fight against each other. Word is two heads are better than one, well combined these fellas bring about a hundred heads to the table. Better tell Mom to put more steaks on the grill.
The Hydra is a many headed serpent-like beast that possessed “more heads than vase painters could paint.” Although our calculators do not have that button on them, let’s suffice to say, there were a lot of heads. And each of these heads had the ability to not only grow back, but upon regrowth, double their number. This trait, with the addition of venomous blood spewing from any wounds the Hydra suffered, made it a tricky foe to defeat.
The Cerberus, the Hound of Hades, is the guard dog of Hell. His job was to ensure that the dead could enter, but never leave. You might say he was “The Hotel California.” He had the appearance of a regular dog body with three montrous heads, a tail like a serpent, and smaller serpents made up his mane. Cerberus had a taste for flesh and would attack anyone that was not in spirit form that approached the gates he guarded.
The Hydra and Cerberus were in fact brothers, each born to the monster parents Typhon and Echidna. Two monsters which may make a future appearance on the countdown. Being that they were brothers, it’s easy to picture them in the backseat of their parents car, bickering about the temperature, length of the trip to Mount Olympus, and who finished the last page in the Mad Libs book. But, also like brothers, we’re sure they got into a real scuffle occasionally. One that more than likely involved a lot of biting considering the number of heads. The fight would be a little one sided however, because only one of these two has poison blood.
Winner: The Hydra
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Battle #5
She-Ra vs. Wonder Woman
Hubba hubba. We don’t remember either one of these ladies looking quite so good back in their cartoon days. But, we’re not going to argue. Apparently time has treated them both very well. But, this isn’t a fashion show girls, so take off your shirts, and let’s get to scrappin’. No? Not taking them off? Fine, just get it on then! No? Not gonna get it on either? Fine then… fight!
She-Ra, the twin sister of He-Man is from the land of Etheria. She like He-Man has a secret identity, Princess Adora. Adora was kidnapped as a baby and raised by the evil Hordak until she discovers her true identity. Upon receiving the Sword of Protection she unlocks the Power of Grayskull and becomes She-Ra, and with that power gains super strength, agility, and the ability to communicate with animals. By her side are her companions Kowl, Madame Razz, Bow, and her trusty talking steed Spirit, who can turn into Swift Wind, a flying unicorn.
Wonder Woman is a member of an all female tribe of Amazons who is sent as an ambassador to the rest of the world. She is blessed at birth by the gods, gaining the beauty of Aphrodite, the wisdom of Athena, the strength of Hercules, and the speed of Mercury. With these skills and her weapons like the Lasso of Truth and her Indestructible Bracelets. She has stood toe to toe with Superman, Captain Marvel, and the gods Ares and Hades. A standing member of the Justice League, Wonder Woman has many friends to back her up, as if she needed it.
As difficult as it is to pick sides, it’s even more difficult to find a clear cut advantage for either party. Strength, weapons, backup… each woman has it all covered. The Sword of Protection is certainly a cooler weapon then a lasso, but that same lasso has held Superman captive at one time. On the other hand, having an invisible plane to get you around town as opposed to a horse certainly has it’s benefits. Wonder Woman obviously has the better back up in a fight, but, She-Ra is next to indestructible. I think the final decision has to be made with the following question. What do you like better blonde or brunette? I for one am a fan of blondes.
It’s gonna be a slobber knocker when these boys come to town. Hell on earth if you will. Son of a Demon vs. The Devil’s Spawn. You might wanna grab some holy water if you have any. And call a priest.
Dante is the son of the demon Sparda, who rebelled against the other demons and defeated the demon army. Since then, Dante has taken up his father’s mantle after his mother was killed, and makes it is job to kill and vanquish any and all demons that step in his path. He’s a mercenary who specializes in the paranormal. His tools of the trade, Ebony and Ivory two semi automatic pistols that never run out of bullets, a variety of swords, and his Devil Trigger ability. When activated, it gives him super speed, strength, stealth, flight, and regeneration.
Spawn was a CIA agent when he was killed by his boss. But, Al Simmons had a wife that he loved, and after arriving in Hell, made a deal with the devil Malebolgia to see her one more time. Becoming a hellspawn, he returned to Earth with a body comprised completely of necroplasm. This is the source of his strength, durability, and regeneration. Spawn wears a symbiotic suit that conforms to his needs and desires, forming weapons when needed, and protection even if Spawn is unconcious. Spawn also has the ability to tap into dark magic if required.
Demon killer vs. Demon creature, Dante vs. Spawn seems to be the perfect matchup. But, let’s see how it plays out. Dante has guns, Spawn has chains. Dante has swords, Spawn has a cape that can morph into a battle axe. Dante has his Demon Trigger, Spawn has magic that feeds off of evil. Dante kills demons, Spawn has killed the devil.
Oh the epic battle to end all epic battles. If there was ever two more popular classes of people, I’m not sure what they would be. Just take a look around this Halloween. Sure, there will be your Spongebob’s and your Darth Vaders… but you can almost count on 1 out of every 10 kids being a Pirate or a Ninja. And all of them will be pissed off when they receive fruit instead of candy in their bags.
Pirates have been around for as long as there have been boats and things to steal. For as long as there have been trade routes and people transporting things, there have been pirates there to jump on board and take all of the good stuff. As early as the 13th Century B.C. pirates have made their presence known. The pirate as we know him today made his impact during the age of exploration, making homes in the Caribbean where the weather was fair, and the movement of goods like sugar, spices, and other easily sold and valuable goods were moved on a regular basis. Pirates employed fast ships, cannons, guns, swords, and fear to acquire wealth.
Ninjas are warriors trained in martial arts and specializing in a type of warfare that utilized stealth and speed to complete tasks impossible for even the strongest army. This guerilla type strategy made the ninja an invaluable asset for assassination, espionage, and scouting. Ninjas played crucial roles as early as the 15th Century when Feudal Japan was in an uproar. A single ninja could find it’s way into heavily guarded areas that an entire armed force would never be able to access, and while there, pilfer knowledge, destroy stored goods, assassinate a trouble maker, and cause chaos to an enemy. The typical ninja employed dark garb, and armor called shinobi shozoku, small explosives, small katana, and of course shuriken or throwing spikes.
Though Pirates have been portrayed as fun loving and easy going sailors, life wasn’t nearly as easy as Johnny Depp made it out to be. Being on a boat for weeks or months at a time with little to nothing to eat made life difficult. Scurvy and bugs in your food made for a shitty night even if you were shitty drunk. Ninjas on the other hand were often members of a community that only donned their garb if necessary, living relatively normal lives until called upon. Sure, Pirates have cannons and guns, but if you can’t even see what you’re shooting at, they wouldn’t be much good. Odds are that a group of Ninja could board a boat full of pirates, drink their rum, kill them all, and be back on land playing a nice game of poker before any alarm could be sounded.
The youngest Heavy Weight Champ in the history of boxing vs. the first boss on Street Fighter 2. We wouldn’t want to meet either of these guys in the ring, but who packs the bigger punch?
“Iron” Mike Tyson began his boxing career in the early 1980’s after a childhood that obviously prepared him for beating up others. He was ridiculed as a child for his high pitched voice and lisp, and by the age of 13 had amassed 38 arrests. We’re guessing at least 37 of those involved hitting someone in the face. A difficult past led to a desire to achieve, and Tyson found that his fists were perfectly suited to do just that. In 1984 he was considered for the Olympic boxing team and that same year he won the coveted National Golden Gloves award. He made his professional debut in 1985, and in 1986 defeated Trevor Berbick to become the Heavy Weight Champion. His signature move was a hook with the left, followed by an uppercut to the chin. He would hold on to the belt for 4 years.
Balrog made his way into the world as a pixelated portrayal of none other than Mike Tyson. As the first boss in the popular arcade game Street Fighter, Balrog stood in the path of many a gamer making their way to M. Bison. Balrog employs a variety of rush style attacks including Dashing Straight and Dashing Upper, with his signature move being the Turn Punch, which if performed correctly could easily drain up to 50% of his opponent’s health.
We’re gonna be honest here. Mike Tyson is a crazy sonofa bitch, and the Gremlindog.com crew really likes our ears. Besides, Balrog isn’t real, Mike is.
Winner: Mike Tyson
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Battle #9
William Wallace vs. King Leonidas
The Scottish Patriot steps up to the King of the Spartans. A battle of want, desire, and freedom is about to begin. But, who’s more badass, who wants it more? Who has more pointy objects to stick in the soft parts of their opponents. Let’s find out.
Sir William Wallace was a Scottish Knight, landowner, and resistance leader in the late 1200’s and early 1300’s. At a time when Scotland was under constant pressure from England to submit, Wallace took up arms to ensure the freedom of his family and people. Braveheart as we know now him stormed onto the scene when he killed a local sheriff, William Heselrig for killing a young woman that Wallace had courted. He gained fame and notoriety when he routed an English army of well over 10,000 men while vastly outnumbered at the Battle of Stirling Bridge. He was a master swordsmen, and had bested many a men including Brian de Jay, master of the English Templars. Wallace was eventually captured and after being hung emasculated and eviscerated, was drawn and quartered, and had his head placed on a pike. We can only assume that during this ordeal he shouted obcenities at the English, and probably called them pig dogs.
Leonidas became the King of Sparta sometime around the year 489 B.C. He was rumored to be a direct descendant of the famed Hercules. Being raised in the country of Sparta, Leonidas was trained from a very young age in the art of warfare. In fact, Spartan children were bathed in wine to ensure they were tough enough to go on living. Training in weaponry, wrestling, and hand to hand combat became the life a young Spartan. Leonidas succeeded in being all that he could be, and eventually gathered 300 Spartans, 700 Thespian, and 400 Thebans to wage war with the entire Persian army. King Leonidas led his men outfitted in Bronze armor, spears, and short swords against an overwhelming force, and managed to inflict great casualties on the larger army, taking some 70,000 men, while only loosing 20 of their own. The Spartans eventually met defeat, and Leonidas was beheaded and crucified. Once again, we can only assume the the severed head of Leonidas mocked Xerxes and his Persians calling them shit heads or something of the like.
Two great men who fought to protect what was theirs; land, family, and freedom. We’d be hard pressed to pick a clear victor were both men on the field surrounded by men watching their backs. While both Wallace and Leonidas would be more than a match for the other individually, we can only guess that the wine soaked Leonidas would prove more than William Wallace could handle single handed. His training began at birth, and though Wallace was a hardy Scot, he did take to wearing a kilt, not bronze armor. We have a feeling this might be just the soft spot mentioned before.
Winner: King Leonidas
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Battle #10
Jason Bourne vs. James Bond
Try as we might, there seemed to be few photos available that portrayed either Bourne or Bond without a gun in their hands. And while both men are equally deadly using firearms, their true skill lies in each man’s ability to handle themselves without the aid of a “weapon.”
Jason Bourne is a Green Beret, Delta Force member, and part of an Elite Special Top Secret Force known as Medusa. At least he was until he went rogue and began looking for an answer to his past. Used as an assassin, Jason had a brush with conscience, and upon aborting a mission was shot in the back causing him to loose his memory. He not only recovers it, but goes on to uncover his history all the while taking out hitman after hitman intent on taking his life. Bourne is heavily trained in the use of modern weaponry, hand to hand combat, and espionage. But, it doesn’t take a gun to kill a man, and Bourne has put the beatdown on his opposition with the use of the following: a pen, a book, a magazine, a candlestick holder, and a newspaper.
007, James Bond. The perfect spy and the perfect gentleman. With the backing of M16, James Bond has been trained in the British Royal Navy and the British Secret sService. Bond is an expert in the use of firearms, gadgetry, disguise, cover up, and espionage. Missions for Bond have included assassination, preventing the use of a satellite weapon, destroying submarines, and protecting royalty. 007, never one to play by the rules often gets on the bad side of his employer by taking matters into his own hands to solve problems. This more often then not involves killing someone because they asked for it. Bond makes use of a number of specialty weapons in his missions which include: jet packs, mini rocket cigarettes, a laser wrist watch, pen guns, and of course the specially outfitted sports car.
Bourne vs. Bond, the battle of spies, the battle of assassins, the battle of crazy motherfuckers. Both are trained in the use of weaponry, both are trained in hand to hand, and both are able to overcome insurmountable odds. But, which agent reigns supreme. Without a doubt, Bond has the longer legacy; he’s been through more, done more, and shagged ten times the women. But, he’s in for a rude awakening. Sure, Bond might use some kind of sleep gas that expels from his bowtie to put Bourne down, however, when he goes to order a martini… you better bet Bourne will be there to break the glass over the bar and shove it in Bond’s ear.
Winner: Jason Bourne
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Bonus Battle
Strawberry Shortcake vs. Rainbow Brite
You asked for it, and we deliver. The first ever battle of the girly cartoon characters. But, we’ll be honest. The fight really doesn’t have a lot going for it right off. Strawberry Shortcake makes excellent desserts, and Rainbow Brite is skilled in the formation of colorful things…um. We apologize, but, we’re going to have to stop this one. It’s just that we don’t think this is going to cut it. So, we’ve taken the liberty to spice things up a bit. And by spice things up, we mean more boobs, more legs, and more ass.
Sexy Strawberry Shortcake vs. Sexy Rainbow Brite
Sorry, we can’t quit staring… Both women are well equipped to win this fight, but it’s a matter of two things as far as we’re concerned. First of all, who’s got the better rack, and who’s got the better butt. I think it’s easy to pick a winner here.
Winner: All of Us
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Once again, your opinions matter! Please let me know what you think about the match ups, the outcomes, and about future battles you would like to see.
Poor Sarah Palin. She’s taking a lot of grief lately with Katie Couric throwing all of those hard questions at her. Then to go on national television to debate and be asked to answer more hard questions without any sort of prep time. And of course Saturday Night Live is doing it’s part in making the Governor look like a dummy. But, we’re here to clear a few things up. Recently hired by the McCain-Palin ticket, Gremlindog.com is on task to prove that Sarah Palin is no idiot. In fact, she’s quite intelligent. And this list is just the beginning of the proof.
Sarah Palin can certainly empathize with Ms. Upton on the difficulties involved in some Beauty Contests. She’s been there before. But, Gov. Palin has never botched something up as bad as this. Gov. Palin already has a 3 Point Plan to eliminate the Map Shortages Worldwide.
#2 These Construction Workers
As Governor of a State where most of it’s structures are built of ice, Sarah Palin hasn’t come into contact with many problems like this. But, she guarantees that if elected, she’ll make sure all cars will be able to fly by the year 2010, so tragedies such as this don’t take place.
#3 Team Rocket
Never before has a team up been as unsuccessful as has Team Rocket. Elect McCain-Palin in 2008, and Sarah guarantees that the Maverick duo will have Pikachu captured in 12 to 16 months.
#4 Albert Einstein’s Statue
Sarah is not one to brag, but she feels pretty confident that she is indeed smarter than Albert Einstein’s Statue. E=MC², try doing that math when you’re made of cast bronze biotch.
#5 Tom Selleck’s Mustache
Though often distracted by his dashing good looks and massive rug of chest hair, Sarah Palin has on more than one occasion beaten Tom Selleck’s mustache at a game of Chess.
#6 A Caveman
Gov. Palin asked that we make it clear that she has no beef with the Cavemen from the Geico Commercials she sees on her magic talking picture box. They seem to be well spoken gentlemen, but, she’s smarter and prettier.
#7 Two Goats
Taking on not one, but two goats is no easy task for anyone. But, Sarah Palin has proven that she is more than capable of handling these little buggers in any test of skill. Providing said skill is not Algebra. And please, keep the total of goats at two and no more.
#8 The Duct Tape Thief
First of all, Sarah Palin wants to extend her condolences to The Duct Tape Thief’s family. She will see to it, that they will be compensated in full for the poorly used Duct Tape. Secondly, she would have used a regular old ski mask were she to rob someone.
#9 The People That Own This Store
Gov. Palin is still laughing after seeing this picture. She can’t believe they would use that kind of font on the sign of a store specializing in Kid Sex changes. The sign should look more dignified and doctorlike in her opinion.
#10 A Piggy Toaster
Tests showed that when properly shown how to operate, Sarah Palin was able to toast bread 10 out of 10 times using this Piggy Toaster. Although, it should be noted that she had the toaster thrown away immediately following the tests because she would not have anything competing with her for cuteness.
On behalf of the “Sarah Palin is Smarter Than…” team we need to ask for your help. This list is just the beginning. Please comment below and help build the number of things “Sarah Palin is Smarter Than…” If you know of something that “Sarah Palin is Smarter Than…” we want to add it to our list A.S.A.P. Do your part, please aid us in spreading the facts about the, in her own words, “Cutest Darn Vice Presidential Candidate there ever was.”
Positive Influences are few and far between. It’s a fact of life that for every “Practice Safe Sex” advertisement you see on TV there’s 50 drunk girls at a party throwing themselves at you (actual number of girls throwing themselves at you can and may vary). Couple the odds with your own inebriation, and well… common sense goes out the window. We as a people are an easily influenced bunch. Tell us that something is cool, and we’ll buy it. Tell us we should eat something, and we’ll order four. Tell us that Amy Winehouse is a class act, and we’ll call you a liar and sock you in the face, but in the long run probably still buy her CD.
The moral of the story is, we need all of the Positive Influences we can get in life, so we don’t go horribly astray and end up fighting our Jedi Master in a lightsaber duel with lots of hot lava nearby. Sure, we’ll end up living, but our skin will be all gross and no one will invite us over for poker night anymore.
One such place that Positive Reinforcement needs to return is in our Breakfast Cereal Commercials. As kids hovering infront of the part wood, part glass behemoths our parents called a television our young minds were attached like pit bulls to whatever the ad agencies had to throw at us. And we ate that shit up. I can’t begin to think of all the things that I demanded my mother buy me for no other reason then the television told me I should have it. If I were to make a list, first and foremost on that would be cereals. Just take Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Cereal for example, it had “Ninja Nets and Marshmallows” which were supposedly a part of a well balanced breakfast. I had to have it.
Yum?
Cereal commercials had us wrapped around their fingers, and this was mostly due to the fact that the mascots themselves were so charismatic and colorful, that we couldn’t resist. So, other than hawking their highly sweetened wares to us, what other lessons are Cereal Mascots teaching?
Tony the Tiger rampaged onto the scene way back in 1952 as the result of a contest where he bested a Kangaroo, Elephant, and a Gnu to be the new spokes”person” for Frosted Flakes Cereal. No, I didn’t make Gnu up, it’s an actual animal.
“Who Gnu Frosted Flakes could be so good!”
The signature voice and catchphrase “They’re Grrrreat!” was provided by Thurl Ravenscroft who also claims fame for the song “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch.” Feel free to thank me next time you win Trivial Pursuit with that little factoid. Ravenscroft was Tony the Tiger for over 5 decades, but I doubt even he noticed the distorted message that his character was sending to youth in America.
The message was two-fold, Frosted Flakes are Grrrreat and by eating them, you can overcome obstacles that would otherwise make you pee your pants. Tony had kids polevaulting, swimming laps, and in this commercial riding the shit out of a horse.
“You kids wanna go on a horsie ride?” asks the bully.
Tony doesn’t miss a beat and says “Sure, just let me eat some breakfast first jerkoff, it’s 7 in the morning.”
And with that, he and his eager to please pupil mount up like a secondhand Lone Ranger and Tonto team up to show those guys who’s boss. Not only do they ride dangerously, but their recklessness nearly causes the bully’s to be cast off a cliff. Well, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but they did have to reign in rather quickly.
But, is this the kindof message we need to be getting; that we can overcome adversity with the aid of only a sugar coated bowl of flaked cereal? If the boy had the talent in the first place, he shouldn’t have to eat before proving himself. All that’s going to do is upset his stomach from the rough ride. Or, if Tony the Tiger is indeed right, and breakfast is all it takes to succeed, give me a bowl, I’m heading to Las Vegas.
“Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.” In TVland’s Top 100 Quotes and Catchphrases, that hate laced sentence was number 59. It’s imbedded in our brains, and there’s nothing that a Martin Luther King Jr. inspired cartoon rabbit is going to do to change our mind.
A great inspiration to man and rabbits everywhere
The Trix rabbit has a dream, and that dream involves eating a bowl of delicious fruity cereal. Not too much to ask is it? Oh, but it is. You see, “Trix are for kids.” Just like the front of the bus was denied to Rosa Parks, this cereal is not for bunnies. Discrimation is an awful thing, but, the Trix Cereal commercials seem to encourage it.
The Trix Rabbit has been trying to obtain a bowl of cereal since 1969 when the Cereal Tycoons high atop their thrones made of gold, gave the masses the right to vote on whether or not to give the poor mascot any food. And vote they did; a resounding “No” was the answer provided. Over the years The Trix Rabbit has attempted costumes, sneaky methods, and even a genie to grab just a taste.
Even the aid of a fucking genie doesn’t net the Trix Rabbit some delicious cereal. Of course, he kinda asked for it when he blew his 3rd wish on wanting “the kids to see him.” Little known fact though is that the Trix Rabbit does indeed finally get to enjoy some cereal. But, he first has to WIN A TRIATHOLON! The prize, a bowl of Trix cereal. That was actually in 1980, he hasn’t had any in a commercial since.
A long time favorite of chocolate fans, Cocoa Puffs has been a morning staple since the 1960’s. Back then Sonny the Cuckoo bird teamed up with his unoriginally named grandfather, Gramps, to speak of the wonders and magic of Cocoa Puffs. Sonny flies solo now, and one can only imagine that Gramps had had just about enough of the crazy behavior of his batshit crazy grandson.
Gramps and Sonny circa 1962
Cocoa Puffs, themselves a reflavoring of the popular Kix cereal, are enough to drive Sonny right off the deep end no matter what it is he was doing. But still, people rubbed the cereal in his face. If Sonny was painting a house and a person walked by eating a heaping bowl of Cocoa Puffs you better believe that bird would drop the paint and brush, fall off the ladder, and knock over crippled kid to get at the bowl. Sounds crazy right, well it is. The popular phrase Sonny is wont to exclaim “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” is now commonly used as a slang term for insane. It was even mentioned during the murder trial of Susan Polk in 2006 when her youngest son was testifying. He stated his mom was “Bonkers” and “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”
That’s right kids, what a well thought out idea. Antagonize the crazy person. Even though Sonny has obviously realized he has a problem and is trying to do something about it by secluding himself in the spacecraft. Although I’m not sure there is a space program designed by NASA that aided addicts in breaking the habit. If those kids don’t learn to leave the poor bird alone, next thing you know the 6 O’clock News will be covering a story of cereal killer. Get it? Cereal Killer.
Hitting People Is Fine, But Only If They Hit You First
Dig’em – Honey Smacks
Jumping on the scene in 1953 was Sugar Smacks. Now known as Honey Smacks, the cereal actually changed names due to it’s own mascot, Dig ’em only calling the cereal “Smacks” in his commercial spots. I attribute this to the fact that Dig ’em was a frog, and so shouldn’t be expected to A) remember the script or B) be able to read the script in the first place. Producers should be glad that the damn thing managed to wear clothes.
“It ain’t easy being green, or finding pants that fit our weird misshapen legs.”
Where Dig ’em really had a problem was not touting a cereal he couldn’t remember the name of. Or that it shared a name with a drug. It was the fact that he encouraged children to hit each other in his commercials. Breakfast isn’t an MMA Fight Dig ’em.
In order to avoid what we can only assume would be a nationwide street brawl amongst Honey Smacks customers, they changed their slogan to “I Dig ’em” in 1991.
The original Cookie Crisp mascot, Cookie Jarvis is probably rolling around in his grave at the actions The Cookie Crook and Chip have taken to acquire a bowl of Cookie Crisp Cereal. The Crook and his dog took the stage in 1982 and, instead taking an active and responsible role in society by getting a job, began a life of crime which centered on the thievery of breakfast products. An act made all the more heinous because it brings up memories of the time a monkey stole my donut at the zoo.
WANTED: Dead of Alive
The Cookie Cop was dispatched to bring in the hoodlum, and time and time again was made to look an ass. It was a regular activity to see the Cookie Crook break into some secret cookie shaped cereal manufacturing factory only to be spotted by the Cookie Cop. The Cookie Crook would then grab some cereal, stuff it in a bag, and casually flip the bird to the cop as he ran away.
Not only do we have Burglary, but now let’s throw in Resisting Arrest, a 3rd or 4th Degree Felony in most states, on top of Reckless Driving. Why not just have the Cookie Crook expose himself to viewers while we’re at it. What’s a little public indecency when you’re living a live of crime? Eventually execs decided that the interaction was degrading to law enforcement, and hired a new spokesman. I bet the Cookie Cop just got so pissed he eventually paid off someone to send The Cookie Crook to sleep with the fishes.
Perhaps it’s due to the fact that he is actually an animal, but Sugar Bear isn’t a very nice person. Originating in 1963, Sugar Bear immediately began doing battle with the elderly Granny Goodwitch. Their brawls revolved around one thing and one thing only. Boxes of cereal. Sure, I imagine getting his hands on money to go out and buy a box of cereal might have been difficult for Sugar Bear, but that’s no excuse for stealing from an old lady. Even if she was a witch. I’m sure she wasn’t always such a bad gal.
Granny Good Witch: Pre Granny, Pre Regular Bear Attacks
Of course, Sugar Crisp cereal had benefits that rivaled even Popeye’s spinach. So it’s easy to see why the cereal mascot had to have it so bad. We would find out in later commercials that Sugar Crisp provided a “Vitaman Packed Punch” making Sugar Bear virtually unstoppable. Taking this “Crunch with the Punch” on the road Sugar Bear ran into all sorts of other animals that also wanted a piece of the goods.
Obviously not one to recall his own desire for Sugar Crisp back in the day, Sugar Bear doesn’t even consider sharing, and instead kicks the shit out of everyone. Alligators, snakes, and sharks could bring it, but they’d be going home looking like assholes. My dog likes to have a piece of cheese every now and then, you don’t see me grabbing her by the tail and swinging her around my head like a lasso.
It may all be unintentional, but most of these cereals have been around for over 40 years. And all the while, it’s the same unsavory messages they spew out like pea soup on the set of The Exorcist.
“Cereal with more sugar than fiber is good for you!”
It’s time to step up and change things. It’s all fine and dandy to foul up once or twice, but over the course of hundreds of commercials? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you still! I’m not taking the blame for your actions.
It’s official, the economy is in the shitter. “Shitter’s full! And it looks like there’s little bits of corn and economy in it!”
If there’s one thing I know a lot about, it’s how to make money in a pinch. I’ve been a college student; I’ve sold my books before classes were over, sold my blood twice in one week, and sold my comic book collection to take a girl out that never called me back. So, I’d say if anyone is qualified to help the United States pick itself up by the bootstraps and get out of this economic slump, it’s me.
I propose that the government takes the initiative to approve my 10 Part Economic Revival Plan. The plan is 10 fold because that’s how many things I thought we could sell and not look desperate to other countries. That, and most great lists are of the 10 sort. I don’t want to rock the boat of list making.
My 10 Part Economic Revival Plan will serve two purposes. Number One: bring in money. Number Two: Cleanse the Country of junk we don’t need anyway.
Without further ado…
#1 Sell All DVD Copies of “Speed Racer” to a Country in Need of Bar Coasters
This movie was one of the biggest failures Hollywood has ever produced. It cost a whopping $120,000,000 to create and it lost it’s ass. Make sure you count all of those zeros kids, it’s a crapload of money to make a craptastical movie. The film was directed by the Wachowski Brothers, the directors of the Matrix, and it was expected to blow peoples minds. It blew alright, just not anyone’s minds. Opening to reviews that were less than positive, the movie bombed. The New York Times said the film was “of no conceivable interest to anyone over the age of ten” which of course led to thousands of toddlers nationwide boycotting The New York Times. Grossing only $18,561,337 during it’s opening weekend compared to say The Dark Knight which rustled up $158,411,483.
Long story short, if no one wanted to watch it in theaters, they sure as hell aren’t going to buy it on DVD. Why not sell them to a country with a lot of bars… say Ireland. If we’re lucky, we might net a few hundred bucks off the deal. Hey, every dollar counts.
Sure, I know these things are special. But, so is heat and food. And I’m also fond of having a roof over my head. The way I see it is, National Pride is kinda out the door when you’re hitting up your buddy France to spot you for lunch at McDonalds and Great Britian has to pay your cover at the bar because you “left your wallet at home.” By breaking down our nation’s most prized landmarks, we are essentially tapping into our national resources. The Statue of Liberty for example is made up of 60,000 pounds of copper, and copper is worth quite a bit today.
Upon checking in with the official Gremlindog.com Financial Researcher, we found that per pound, copper is selling for $2.31. Do the math kids, just from the Statue of Liberty alone we could net $138,600! That’s not even including what the gold leaf torch and iron frame work would go for. And the Statue of Liberty would just be the beginning of a long list of structures gathering dust that we good push over and sell to Japan. On to the St. Louis Arch!
#3 Auction of the Cast of High School Musical to the Highest Bidder
The High School Musical phenomenon has swept the nation. With HSM3 coming out in just weeks, the franchise is only going to get bigger. And why not, the cast is full of attractive people, the songs are catchy, and everyone can relate to it. But it’s more than just movies, video games, toys, books, clothing, and for all we know there’s probably a fucking High School Musical flavored Kool Aid; all adding to a bankroll that totals in the millions. The original soundtrack alone went Quadruple Platinum, meaning it sold over 4 million copies. With the average CD selling for $15, that’s $60 million dollars alone. So, why shouldn’t we cash in on it? Disney is rich enough, and it’s time they do their part.
By auctioning off the cast of High School Musical, the highest bidder will receive 6 kids who can serve many purposes. Perhaps Canada will be the highest bidder and can develop “High School Mountie” where the stars attempt to arrest Igloo thieves while singing songs like “Holy shit is it always so cold here?”. At worst the kids could be picked up by a country short on organ donors and use them for spare parts…
Potential Profit Margin: The black market on teen stars is too sketchy to be sure
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#4 Take Jennifer Lopez’s Ass Hostage
Jennifer Lopez has a booty that just won’t quit. She’s hot, no doubt about it. Her hotness is increased tenfold by her behind. J-Lo felt that her hind end was so important to her success that she has it insured for $1,000,000. Now, I’m not sure what insurance agency felt that this was in fact a “product” that could even be insured, and one can only imagine the paperwork involved. But, we can reap the rewards.
By taking Lopez’s Ass hostage, perhaps employing Dog the Booty Hunter to apprehend it, we could cash in on the insurance policy. Alternative options would of course include forcing the aforementioned butt to star in a comedy show in Las Vegas. The options are limitless.
#5 Sell All the Candy Kids Collect this Halloween to Starving Countries
Don’t even pretend you find that stuff appetizing. The bane of trick-or-treaters everywhere, the Peanut Butter Kiss Candy line has pissed off many a child zombie and pirate. Houses known for offering these black and orange clad wads of gross are avoided like the plague by children, and more often than not, these homes are later pelted with rotten eggs and dog feces.
The candies go for $5 a bag from most stores, and being that one out of every 10 or so houses is owned by persons 60+ in age… you can figure that no less than 1 billion of these god forsaken pieces is collected on a yearly basis. Starving countries don’t have a much of a budget, sure, cause if they did they’d just you know, buy food to eat. But, by acquiring these meager budgets, and at the same time exporting these “candies” it’s a win/win for everyone involved.
Potential Profit Margin: Dependent on the Starving Country- A $5 spot a best
In the same spirit as the previous idea, it’s proposed that we get rid of another holiday staple, the butt ugly Christmas sweater. Sure, they’re fun to wear to Christmas Parties themed around these articles of clothing. But wouldn’t everyone at those parties be happier if they didn’t look like they were dressed by a legally retarded Santa’s elf?
Such sweaters sell from stores like Fashion Bug and Goodies for $20 or so. And closets of mothers and grandmothers nationwide are guaranteed to have no less than 7. It’s a requirement of motherhood, just like mom jeans. There’s an estimated 85.2 million mothers in the United States, that’s upwards of 596,400,000 Christmas sweaters available for distribution. My mother alone probably has 400. Even if we sell the sweaters at half off because they’re used, we’re still looking at a big bank roll.
It’s well known that there is nothing in North or South Dakota that offers any value at all. There’s just nothing to be desired there. No theme parks, no strip joints, and no all-you-can-eat pizza buffets. Farms.com states that the average price of an acre of land in the Dakotas goes for around $1000. Were there strip joints on said acres of land we wouldn’t even be discussing this.
There are 70,762 square miles in North Dakota, and 77,116 square miles in South Dakota which brings the total to 147,878 square miles in both states. Being that there are 640 acres in a square mile of land, we find that there are 94,641,920 acres of prime (prime minus the inclusion of strip joints) land available ready to be sold to the person with the most dough to shell out. Perhaps we can talk to the folks over in Australia to look into buying the place. Maybe they can class up the joint by bringing in a few kangaroos and shit.
Oh the Lions. The poor poor Lions. We should really have a moment of silence for the sports fans up in Detroit. The Detroit Lions football team has won 4 National Football League championships, the last was in 1957, before the Super Bowl even came to be. The last time the Lions brought home the gold Dwight D. Eisenhower was President, Wham-O invented the Frisbee, and Paul McCartney and John Lennon met, (they wouldn’t form the Beatles for 3 more years.) The last time the Lions were champions the fucking Beatles weren’t even together.
The Lions are worth an estimated 1.2 Billion dollars, and could easily produce more if they were a championship team. Perhaps they’d be better suited playing in a country with less dominate football teams to contend with. The Chief Gremlindog.com Ambassador to the country of Greenland thinks we might have a good fit. Apparently there’s no football teams at all there. Also, apparently all they export is fish.
Cats are everywhere. Pooping in our sandboxes, knocking over our lamps, and generally just being condescending assholes. At last census, there was… way too many damn cats. Researchers estimate that there are over 30 million making their homes in the United States. Researchers also estimate that all 30 million of them are dickwads. Sure, they do funny things sometimes and sure they kill mice, but so does poison, and I don’t see anyone making websites about poison with butchered english phrases written on the pictures.
Everyone has heard the horror stories of what’s in Chinese food. Even if it isn’t true, why not see if China is interested in a little trade. Say a buck a cat?
Sure to be the next sensation to sweep the nation, t-shirts with this guy are the next big thing. It’s just up to us to jump on it before some major designer does. Funny Tees are the in thing right now, and if we just say it’s cool, every college student in the country will be wearing one to class by Monday.
The choice is ours America, and it’s up to us to make a difference. With just these 10 items I’ve found a way to bring in billions of dollars, and some fish, to benefit the U.S. Economy. We can take action now and implement My 10 Part Economic Revival Plan, or spend the rest of our lives watching our cats be dicks, while we watch the Lions lose, and J-Lo’s sweet money maker goes free.
