How To Survive Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving, hundreds of thousands of people will be heading to a place they just don’t want to be heading. It could be the in-laws home; an aunt you don’t really know very well’s house; or a friend of your friend’s place who’s is “having some people over so you should come.” No matter where it is or what situation you find yourself in, you’re probably going to be some sort of miserable. That’s okay, thousands of people will be joining you in exactly the same situations.

That’s why we’re here. To help you out with this little guide we like to call…

“How To Survive Thanksgiving”

The guide will take you through some well thought out quickly pieced together and designed kinda thrown together steps to ensure that you come out on the other end of Thanksgiving no worse for wear. For example, did you know that there’s some really hot cooks on Food Network? Use Thanksgiving as an excuse to check them out!

Keep in mind that some of these steps might not be available to you depending on your particular circumstances, feel free to improvise.


#1 Get Hammered

Sure, you could try to make it through the holiday season, a bunch of the people and their good cheer, and all of the other bullshit, perfectly sober. But, do you really want to try? Why would you, when there’s so many wonderful ways out there that make it easy to wash away your worries, and still be considered festive. We of course mean, getting drunk.

Vodka is an old standby. It’s one of the only alcohols that doesn’t make you smell like a booze bucket, and it mixes with anything. Keep a flask handy. Hell, keep a bottle handy. But, although the smell isn’t obvious, being so drunk you can’t stand up is very obvious. Use caution.

Another option is festive holiday beers. There’s a number of beer companies that offer seasonal options. Try a few, and claim that you’re just trying to get into the holiday spirit by sampling some holiday cheer.


#2 Watch Football

There’s a reason it’s on during a National Holiday. Because our founding fathers knew how bad it would suck to be sitting in a crowded living room full of people you only see two times a year without some form of entertainment. Thus, football on Thanksgiving.

It’s perfectly acceptable to spend the entire time watching the games, because odds are, there will be other people watching them as well. Mostly men, but that’s cool. These other guys are probably just like you. Trying to get through the day so they can get back to their favorite chair at home with a drink and the remote.

If anyone says anything to you like: “Hey could you help us carry out the trash?” You can answer sincerely that, no, you can not. You are busy catching up with… (what’s your name) …busy catching up with Frank.


#3 Make Fun Of Someone

It’s an old classic, and one that you’ve been participating in every since you were a kid. Although, back then, you probably didn’t even realize you were participating. Odds are that when you were little, you were¬† fat/nerdy/clumsy/stupid/naive or all of the above. And you better bet, that your older cousins, your uncles, and the guy your sister brought with her were all laughing at you.

Now it’s your turn. Make sure you choose your victim carefully. First of all, don’t pick out someone who is providing the meal. Just like at a restaurant, if you mess with the cook, they’re gonna spit in your food. Also, don’t single out anyone bigger than you. Sure, that kid may be a porker, but he outweighs you by 70 pounds, and he’s got a temper.

When you begin the ridicule, keep it down. The last thing you need is your mom overhearing you making fun of someone. She’ll revert right back into that scary lady who beat you with an ironing board when you were little.


#4 Take Some Sleeping Pills

Do you honestly think the 6 to 8 guys that pass out around the house on Thanksgiving Day are sleepy because of some “drug” in turkey? Well, they’re sleepy because of some drug, but it’s not in the turkey. It’s in the medicine cabinet.

Sleeping aids are cheap, and they’re fast. Designed to help those that have trouble falling asleep at night, they’re equally effective at helping you fall asleep in the middle of the day in a crowded loud household. One or two should do the trick. Don’t take too many, the last thing you need is to sleep through the night and have to do this all over again the next day.

Please keep in mind that you should not mix option #4 with option #1. This will lead to some crazy nightmares, sleep walking, and most likely people messing with you. That classic prank where someone fills up your hand with shaving cream and tickles your nose works just as well with Cool Whip and pumpkin pie.


#5 Place Bets On The Macy’s Day Parade

This is a wide open option for anyone that is bored on Thanksgiving. The Macy’s Parade generally lasts 3 hours or so. During that time you can place bets on any number of things. And be sure to include all of the major networks, every channel has it’s own fun to offer.

Bets might include, what hosts will incorrectly pronounce a star’s name, or what band will be lip syncing. Place wagers on who the sexiest star in the parade is, or maybe who’s the most washed up celebrity. What floats will be back from last year, and what floats will either hit a building or pull away from the handlers.

Perhaps placing bets with this group of family and strangers your sitting around with will help you to at least break even on the money you spent for gas and that store-bought pumpkin pie you brought.


Whatever situation you’re in this Thanksgiving Holiday, just keep in mind that you more than likely have it better than most people in the world. Sure, you may not like your family much, but at least you have a family. And although you hate turkey, at least you have food. And in the whole scheme of things, what’s one day out of a year to do what someone else wants.

Happy Thanksgiving from!