9 Super Awesome Vacation Ideas That Will Probably Suck

Vacations are supposed to be awesome and fun. These… aren’t quite either of those things.


Odd Ball Vacation #1

Helicopter Bear Hunt in Alaska-Cost: $1000 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

The power man feels when he holds a gun in his hand is rivaled only by God. Man reigns supreme over this land and it’s beasts, and he’s here to prove it. By hunting.

And there just isn’t a much bigger, meaner, badass animal to hunt then a bear. Bear hunts take place all across Canada and the United States and if you’re looking to step into your man shoes for a week, saddle up with the people at Planet Charters. They specialize in putting the hunter into close proximity with some of the world’s largest animals. Sounds awesome right? Right up until you find out that 27 people were killed by bears since 2000. And that’s just the people killed. Many others are attacked, traumatized, and had their pic-a-nic baskets stolen.

Someone’s about to fuck your shit up.

Though interactions with bears are uncommon, you’re kinda setting yourself up to get your ass handed to you if you go out looking for them. So that’s why groups have set up hunts that take place from helicopters. Sorta of like something the A-Team would do. You and your guides take to the sky in a chopper, fly around until you spot a bear, and you shoot it. Sounds simple enough right?

Well remember that bear fatality statistic we gave you a minute ago? That ain’t got shit on helicopter fatalities. From 1997 to 2006 Helicopter Association International recorded 302 deaths from civilian helicopter accidents. Once again proving that helicopters are the most dangerous animal known to man. So, the alternative (walking around shooting bears) sounds pretty good.

Just make sure you bring a change of pants.


Odd Ball Vacation #2

Million Dollar Vacation in Abu Dhabi – Cost: $146,000 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

If you’re wealthy enough to be able to go on a vacation such as this, maybe you can stop being such an ass and share the wealth. If you’re not, and you’re reading this to be entertained, we’re sorry for the outburst.

The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi is literally the most luxurious hotel on the entire planet. Built to provide the absolute finest in everything the world has to offer, your 4000 square foot room is adorned with gold, marble, crystal, and we can only assume the finest whores available in some kind of vending machine contraption. You’ll spend your time being waited on hand and foot by a 24 hour butler, being Chauffeured in a $400,000 Maybach Supercar, and flown in a private jet to shop for whatever it is rich people feel the need to buy.

“It’s smashing! I’ll take 3 just like it.”

And if being pampered isn’t enough to satiate the hunger in your seriously spoiled stomach; how about daily spa treatments, royal golf outings, deep sea fishing, and pearl diving. Of course you won’t actually do any of those things yourself, that’s what you pay people for! Other activities include making your own designer perfume, eating the finest foods the world has to offer, and of course the free guns from Holland & Holland.  Swimming in also a popular pastime at the only 7 Star Hotel on Earth. Swimming in money!

Clients include NATO, the Entire Middle Eastern International Film Festival, and many foreign dignitaries including President George W. Bush. You can read his thank you letter right here. It’s good to know America’s money is being well spent.


Odd Ball Vacation #3

Golf In Compton– Cost: $5 Per Day

Why It’s Probably Going To Suck

Tupac said it best when he rapped, “Pimps be on a mission for them greens.” Little did anyone know he was referring to the greens on the Compton Golf Course in sunny Los Angeles County. The course is a 9 Hole Par 3, and quite affordable for just $5. A great buy for anyone in the area looking for a quick pick up game. And it’s easy to see why. Although there are few hazards on the course, “little water and few trees” the course has it’s share obstacles to overcome. The New York State Gold Association says of the course; “If you like high caliber excitement, this is your place. Home to the Crips vs. Bloods, Ryder Cup Style.”

“You want me to grab yo nine iron fool?”

Located in the middle of Los Angeles, Compton boasts a murder rate of 8 times that of the National Average. On the Compton City Golf Course Website, rules of conduct are listed, as is this; “All players and visitors to the course do so at their own risk.” Wow, if that doesn’t get you excited about playing a round with the guys, I don’t know what would.

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