Author: Jason

Rolling Thunder

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

This edition (Otherwise known as the 1st edition) of FLASHBACK FRIDAY is going to be a doozie! After sharing with everyone a box full of my childhood awhile back, I said to myself, I need to do this more often. And that’s exactly what’s going to happen. FLASHBACK FRIDAY’s are a look back into my childhood and things that impacted it. It might be a movie, cartoon, tv show, video game, toy… what have you.

I knew I needed to start off with a bang, that this 1st edition had to be huge. So, I pulled out the big guns, literally.

ROLLING MOTHERFUCKIN THUNDER BABY!

Seriously, this guy was a freakin monster. Released in 1988, retailing at only $24.95, it was a little over 3 feet long, and was only surpased in size by the USS Flagg. Rolling Thunder was the answer to, well just about any problem that GI Joe had on land. And the aircraft carrier took care of everything at sea. Thinking back I don’t know why they saw fit to even bother with any other vehicles. This was all you needed. And if you were like most kids, you probably barely had enough GI Joe’s to actually man this vehicle anyway. There’s 8 guys in the picture on the box alone. I was lucky if I could scratch up 8 GI Joe figures period. And I’ll be damned if you could fit Leonardo and Raphael in that gun turrent.

Here’s an actual picture of the toy. Glorious isn’t it? Take a minute and let’s count the guns mounted on this beast. I got 200, what’d you come up with. Oh, you must’ve forgot to count the one on the little ATV. There’s enough firepower on Rolling Thunder to demolish every Cobra vehicle twice over. And missles… don’t get me started on the missles…

The two big ones are called “Lightning Rockets” and all of those yellow missles on the right were mounted inside them. So not only were you shooting giant rockets at the Cobra A.S.P., you were also raining down 1800 little missles. And to top it off, along came a brand new Joe!

His name is Armadillo, and upon doing some research I found that he was made specifically for the Rolling Thunder vehicle. There is no other like him in the entire world. Which is probably for the best since he looks like a GI Joe shaped dildo.

His file card says it all. “He’s the most reliable driver in the whole GI Joe motor pool!” Well I’d certainly hope so, he’s driving the biggest thing on wheels. If you read down a couple of lines, you’ll find out that Armadillo is “No fun to ride with.” I can just see the arguments between Shipwreck and Lady Jaye about how sure, he’s reliable and all, but how he won’t let anyone listen to anything on the radio but News/Talk.

Easily the biggest toy that I ever owned, with the exception of a trampoline, Rolling Thunder was my key to being the coolest kid my parents had. An award that I’ve won all but two years of my life. And trust me, since I’m an only child I’m not sure how I lost either. The damn poodles aren’t that cute.

As a special bonus just for you, check out the actual commercial for Rolling Thunder… they kinda don’t give Cobra any credit at all, they get ran over alot in the spot. I can see why Rolling Thunder never made it into the show very often, it’d be 30 minutes of Destro getting crushed by giant wheels, Armadillo being an ass about the air conditioner, and Cobra Commander sobbing quietly because he doesn’t have one.

Oh What A Night…

From time to time I find myself lost in thought. Hopefully it doesn’t happen while I’m in the middle of something important, like when I’m operating a giant crane, doing crane things.


Last night was one of those thinking nights. I was by myself and hankering for some entertaining. And entertained I became.

Let’s start with a little backround information. I often go to a local Book/Music/Movie/Game Exchange place to find “new” games to amuse myself and last week found “March Madness 2007” for a very affordable $14.95. I’ve never purchased a sports game brand new before in my life. They’re all essentially the same year to year, and you can save up to 80% off the original cost by waiting a few months. Sure, the guy on the package may no longer play for the team the he’s wearing a jersey for, but that sometimes happens even with the brand spanking new games.

Anywho. So I’ve enjoyed a plate of nachos and I’m ready to sit down and play my game for a bit. And I decide that this party needs a few more friends. Sure it may be the middle of the week, but I deserve to be happy right?

As you can see. I’m happy. And all of the sudden, totally wired.

(Let me pause here for a second to reassure you that I will get to the “thinking” part of this story, as promised at the beginning of the post. It’s just that in order to fully appreciate the “thought” you have to join me on the trip getting there.)

So, I’ve got energy to burn, and my game is just not going to cut it. So what to do? Well, for anyone that knows me, they know I love to clean. And that’s exactly what I did. I grabbed a bottle of Windex, a roll of papertowels, the vacuum and went to town. I realize this is more depressing than funny. But, maybe I can grab a smile off of you by saying that just before I started cleaning, I fired up the computer and turned on one of my favorite songs in the entire world… “Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya.”

Let me share a fews lines from the song with you.

“Where are the legs with which you run,
Hurroo Hurroo
Where are the legs with which you run,
Hurroo Hurroo
Where are the legs with which you run,
When first you went to carry a gun
Indeed your dancing days are done
Johnny I hardly knew ya

You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg,
Hurroo Hurroo
You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg,
Hurroo Hurroo
You hadn’t an arm, you hadn’t a leg
You’re a spinless, boneless, chickenless egg
You’ll Have to be put with the bowl to beg
Johnny I hardly knew ya”

(Be sure to check out the “Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya” Video below)

The song is kinda dark and it’s about a boy who goes off to war and gets his ass handed to him. The music is pounding and energizing and just absolutely rocks. It’s by the Dropkick Murphys and I swear, it’ll get you pumped up about anything. And I was certainly pumped up about making my humble home clean.

I’m sure it was quite the scene; me, drunk, cleaning, the Murphys pounding away with the same song on repeat for about an hour. But the home was cleaned, and my energy was drained. It was then that I returned to the game and my couch.

I’d already beaten the game once with WKU Hilltoppers, one of the several colleges I have attended over the years. I didn’t have much trouble beating the game with them, despite the fact that they were only a C-Ranked School. So I set out to find a school that was:

A.) Ranked Lower

B.) Lesser Known

C.) Had a Cool Mascot

I ended up with these guys.

The Iona College Gaels. Ever heard of them? Me either. But, it fit the description. And what better mascot then an angry Irishman. And no, that’s not a crutch, it’s a beating stick.

Now here’s where the “thinking” comes into play. As the game loaded I thought to myself. Am I the first to ever to play as this team?!?! Seriously, there is no less than 200 schools to chose from, why would anyone chose this particular team? I’m sure even the 3,322 students at Iona can find a team they like more. I can just see the guys in a dorm room at Iona…

“Hey dude, check it out, I got March Madness 2007!”

“March Madness 2007, why not 2009?”

“Dude, because I totally saved like 80%.”

“Oh, that’s totally smart thinking… I call dibs on the North Carolina Tarheels.”

“That’s fine dude, I already called dibs on everyone’s favorite Irishmen… Notre Dame.”

That’ll wipe that big Gaelic smile right off the mascot’s face. But, for what it’s worth, the 2008-2009 Iona Gaels Men’s Basketball Team is currently undefeated. Go Gaels!

So there’s my thought. Sorry it took so long. Have a nice day.

No Lady, I’m Actually Not Impressed

Pool owners are a proud people. Let me tell you, I own an above ground pool and it’s not even very big, but damnit, if I don’t strut out to get my mail everyday with my head held a little higher than my neighbor’s head. Never mind the fact that the poor guy is 70 something and bent over like a rotten banana. That’s not the point. Owning a pool seems to give people the impression that they are in some way better than others.
Sure, you have a body of water in your backyard. But, so does this guy… you don’t see him flaunting it.

As the manager of a Full Service Pool and Spa business, I run into some interesting people. Today was no different. So here’s the scenario. This lady walks in with that attitude that I’ve come to call “IownapoolandIamanassholebecauseofit syndrome” and proceeds to tell me about how this and that is wrong with her pool.

“How do I fix it?” she asks.

“Well ma’am, you need to… blah blah blah,” I answer.

“Oh, I know how to do that, and I already have everything I need… I’ve had this pool for 14 years.”

Here we go, this is where it gets good. She’s made the effort to tell me that she’s been a pool owner for half of my adult life. As if I could give half a shit. This is always the point in the conversation where I want more than anything to say something along the lines of…

“Well, look at the time, I better get going. I’ve got lunch with Miley Cyrus, Al Gore, Morgan Freeman, and that lady from the Pine Sol commercials…we’re going to figure out what to pack for our trip to the moon. You see… Miley, Al, Morgan, Pine Sol lady, and myself, we’re going on the first civilian flight to the moon.”

Just to see the look on the lady’s face, it would so be worth it. But, I don’t. I mind my manners and smile. However, she’s not done with me. She’s got more to say!

“The pool has been all my responsibility lately. My husband took a job in Florida, and so he’s never here to help out with this pool. Haha, he’s got his own pool down there to take care of.”

“What does your husband do?” I ask, knowing I’ve made a critical mistake.

“Well,” she smiles that boy this is a doozie smile, “He is a Astro-chemical-surgeon-political-inventor-engineer-scientist.”


Sketch Artist Rendering of Husband

“The company he works for fabricates… blah blah blah… they make the material used in the… blah blah blah… Emergency vehicles at the NASCAR Races. He may-“

“Get to race in a NASCAR Race?”

“No, ride in the pace car at the next race.”

“Oh.” I sighed dejectedly.

I could just imagine the aforementioned husband terrorizing the NASCAR Track in his Delorean.


Actual NASCAR Photo with a Delorean and Kick Ass Flames Added In

That would’ve been a kickass end to this story. But, instead, the lady bought $32.08 worth of stuff. She gave me $40 and then proceeded to do one of the things that pisses me off more than anything.

“Hold on, I’ve got the change.”

And she hands me a quarter. No lady, you don’t have the change. You have some change, but you don’t have THE CHANGE.

Bath Time Fun Time

Recently I received a gift from a friend. The gift was extraordinary. I want to share it with you.

Instant Playtime Bears!

We’ve all come across these toys before, tiny capsules that when immersed in water, grow into amazing creatures our imaginations have trouble comprehending. The toys are fun no doubt. But this toy in particular has something that the others do not.

Humpty the Bear. He’s back kids, and you better keep your All American Pill Shaped friends away. Humpty is the Proud new spokesperson for pickle love. I mean, he’s the new spokesperson for The World Famous Original Foam Toy, voted #1 Tub toy.

These toys work simply enough. Put them in hot water, and they grow. Then you play with them and wash your friends’ backs with them.

Wait, what? “Used by educators worldwide”

You’ve got to be kidding me right? What class uses these to teach anything? And what lesson do you learn? What college offers such a class. Because I’m signing up.


Harvard, now offering PHd’s in Foam Capsule Growing

Class is in session everyone. Let’s see the curriculum.

Hahahahahahahahaha. If only MY parents had been so naive. Wonders of the World huh? Grand Canyon, Northern Lights, The Taj Mahal. They don’t have shit on INSTANT PRODUCTS.

Let’s find out how we can experience such wonder and excitement.

Simple enough right. Now, where can we find enough warm water… it did say #1 Tub Toy.

Bubble bath, check.

Pills, check.

Wait. 5 Blue, 4 Red, 2 Green, and 1 Yellow. Yellow… you must be special. I will save you for last. Into the tub!

I had every intention of showing videos of each item as it “grew” but I swear to you they lied on the package. The damn things took no less than 2 minutes to reach adulthood. And this website is about to explode with data already. So here’s a pic of the little critters midway. While we wait, let’s check out what we’re growing.

Bear with large chest wound.

Party time Bear.

Bear about to vomit in pain from a chest wound.

Bear hitting a bong.

Fatass depressed Bear.

And finally… Bear taking a giant sized shit.

Top to bottom we have the blue pills, red pills, and green pills in their final bear form.

I’m not going to lie to you and say that I was impressed with the results. The bears are hardly the size of a quarter, bearly (get it! bearly!) larger than the original capsule they came in. All in all we had 2 Bears with chest wounds, 2 Bears about to kill over and die do to chest wounds, 2 party time Bears, 2 bong Bears, and 1 fat Bear. But, lest you forget. There’s still one wonderful yellow pill left!

Don’t let me down yellow, I just know you have something awesome inside you.

2 minutes later…

BROOKE HOGAN! Holy Shit, Instant Playtime Bears are made of win!

I recommend you pick up a pack today!

My Old Toy Box

Occasionally my parents surprise me with a box full of toys. And I will think… holy shit, is it Christmas already? And my Mom will say; “We were cleaning up the attic/basement/closet and thought you might want this stuff.” I’ll open the box with such joy and gusto only to find a bunch of my old toys. As you can imagine, the thrill isn’t quite as large, but don’t get me wrong… it’s still there. I mean, sure, they’re dusty, broken, and outdated, but they’re still toys. And they’re mine!


The latest box was absolutely full of the widest variety of junk that you could imagine. I mean, this is an Ebayer’s wet dream. Allow me to share a few of the prizes of my yesteryears.

The C-7 Air Cargo Plane was released in 1989 and offered the owner an easy way to transport 50 or so vehicles from the living room to the basement. I can remember making vehicles line up to await transport at my Micro Machine Airport only to wait for hours, do to a delay that took place in the kitchen because dinner was ready. The tiny drivers never complained of course. I was 1000 times their size, and could crush them.

Oh snap! I really wish I still had the controller to the remote control Batmobile. Because I guarantee that I would do exactly the same thing I did with it 18 years ago: chase my dogs around the house. My mother would get so uptight about me “freaking out the puppies”. Batman doesn’t care about puppies’ well being. Neither did I.

My school would have an event once a year or so that more often than not led to most of us young people’s first orgasms. The BOOK FESTIVAL! Several weeks in advance, our teachers would send us home with a catalog containing the names and pictures of literally thousands of books. Don’t get me wrong, reading wasn’t exactly your ticket to coolness in elementary school. But, if you didn’t buy at least 30 books, you were labeled an outcast by your peers. I wasn’t to be one of those. My Mom, if it weren’t for my Dad, would have made my name Reid. Yeah, I would’ve been Reid Moore. “Read More.” She wanted me to be a walking, talking billboard for literacy. So, long story short, I was sent to school with a blank check, with a note that said “Give him teh bookz!” I came home with Tree Vipers among others.


HA! Proof that I wasn’t always a lazy couch potato! Trophies and medals. I played Soccer, Baseball, and Basketball most of my life, and apparently occasionally I was good enough to deserve a reward. I can only guess that the medals were in fact recognizing my accomplishments in book buying though.

On top of being an actual Baseball player, I also made it a point to collect baseball cards. And here’s one of my pride and joys. A Kevin Maas Rookie card. Cost, $5.00. At the time, this was a heck of a buy. Kevin Maas was the future of baseball man. After finding this card, I had to know what it was worth. I did some research. After searching “Kevin Maas Rookie Card” I was directed to a page entitled: SPORTS Biggest Hobby Flops Of The Recent Era. Oh crap. Number one on the list? Kevin Maas.

1. Kevin Maas
Deemed the heir apparent to Don Mattingly, Maas started his big league career on a tear, belting 10 homers in his first 77 at bats. Hobbyists responded by hoarding his rookies.

“In 1990, I remember being at a card show in New York and Kevin Maas was as hot as you could imagine,” recalled Kruk.
Jim Kramer, owner of Southpaw Cards in Roseville, Minn., had a similar experience. “I was always selling them as quick as I had them,” he said.

But Maas could never match the magic of his first few months in the majors. His power numbers evaporated after two seasons and he struggled to get his average above .200. His career lasted only five years.

Current market value… .50 cents. Dammit.

Hell yes! STRIDOR! This metallic pony carried none other than He-Man into war when Battlecat was stuck in the litterbox. Check out that gun on his ass. Tail? No thanks, I’d like a gun thank you very much.

Where Kevin Maas let me down, Spider-man will not. This folks is a box containing a Genuine Spider-man 100 piece puzzle, out before Spider-man ever hit the big screen. Hell, at this point I don’t even think the webslinger even had a cartoon. Just proof that I wanted to be Spider-man before being Spider-man was cool. This baby is worth some bucks. Of course, I’ll be damned if I ever part with it. In fact, I’m probably going to put it together in a few minutes. I might even frame the damn thing and hang it above my bed.


Transformers, more than meets the eye! No matter the age, these guys will always be cool. And these fellas had something else going for them. They fit in my pocket. I remember I had no less than ten thousand mini Transformers, and I made every attempt to fit all ten thousand in my pants to take to school everyday to show my friends. I have no idea what these guys were named. We’ll call them Lil’ Ironhide, and Stupid Arms Optimus. Stupid Arms Optimus, how do you feed yourself and clean your arse?

LOL, wtf.

Omg. Robin Hood Prince of Thieves action figures! Left to right… Robin Hood, Little John, The Sheriff of Nottingham, and a Dark Warrior. These guys were great, and I even had the playset!

Don’t be confused, the playset was redesigned for the Robin Hood movie from the Ewok Village playset in the Star Wars series. Little fun fact for you there. Thank me when you win Final Jeopardy.

And I know what you’re thinking. Mav sure does like to take the shirts off his action figures. He’s such a gay. Well, I assure you. That is not the case. And I promise the next toy I pull out of my box of treasure will prove it.

Sonofa bitch.

Today in the News

it Friday the 13th? Full moon? Has a maniacal magician been loosed upon the Earth? Seriously, just reading through the headlines of online news sources, I was amazed to find that the world went batshit crazy today. Yeah, seriously. And I’m not talking about natural disasters, wars, or polar icecaps melting. I’m referring to the serious issues. Groundbreaking news folks. Stuff like…

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Former ‘Pregnant Man’ Debuts Baby

Excuse me while I go hurl…

On June 29 at 8:55 p.m., Beatie, 34, a former female beauty pageant contestant, made cultural history as perhaps the first legally transgender male to give birth, bringing into the world a 9 lbs., 5 oz. baby girl named Susan Juliette.

Apparently this guy used to be a gal. And he thought it’d be cool to be preggers. As for what part of being fat, pissy, and having cankles is cool, I’m not sure. But, through the miracle of mad scientists working in some dark dungeon, a baby was made.

Crows Thomas, “Susan is a miracle! And we’re finally the family we’ve been dreaming of.”

One can only imagine that dream. It probably involves a lot of alcohol, and a game of Truth or Dare. The only thing more disgusting to me than the idea of a man giving birth…

The free Suntan Lotion Kiosk at a water park.

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Wax Amy Winehouse Unveiled

Oh wow. That’s so awesome. It’s so, lifelike?

Seriously, why? I could understand wanting to see a wax replica of someone that I couldn’t actually see anymore, like a deceased celebrity. Or seeing a wax replica of someone that I actually give a rat’s ass about, like a real celebrity. But Amy Winehouse?

Madame Tussauds unveiled a waxwork of Amy Winehouse on Wednesday complete with her signature beehive, black eyeliner and a bright yellow minidress.

It’s funny though, because when I first read the headline, I thought, oh my. It’s surprising though, they didn’t make the wax replica very lifelike…

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Miley Cyrus Auctions Red Carpet Date

Miley Cyrus is auctioning off the hottest ticket in teen town: A date with the megastar!

Wow, what a chance for a lucky fan to spend some quality time with this teenage pop star! Seems like a great thing for her to do really.

Being auctioned on Ebay, the highest bid for the night-on-the-town with the Hannah Montana star, 15, currently stands around $2,000. The auction kicked off Tuesday night and ends July 29.

Well, looks like I’ve been outbid.

Congrats on raising all that money! Of course, opening up the bidding to everyone with an Ebay account could be a little scary. Oh, the results are in…and here’s the winna!

I can haz date with Miley Cyrus?

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Zac’s Big Bang Theory

Zac Efron finds a nifty solution to his long hair, tying back his bangs for a trip to the gym Wednesday in Beverly Hills.

Wow, congratulations dude. You’ve done the impossible. The unthinkable. You’ve found a nifty solution to keeping your hair out of your face! It’s called a ponytail dude. Girls have been doing it for years. I’ve got another nifty solution for you. It’s called a hair cut.

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Nick Jonas & Selena Gomez… Are They Dating?

Oh, two teens in love. Both are stars. This should be interesting.

Now, a source confirms to PEOPLE that Jonas, 15, and Gomez, 16, are an item, saying, “They’ve been dating for months.”

A rep for the Jonas Brothers maintains there’s no romance. “They are not girlfriend and boyfriend. They’re friends. All of the Jonas Brothers are friends with Selena.”

All of the Jonas Brothers are friends with Selena! LOL, I bet they are.

Get it?

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And that’s the news! Join us next time as we update you on other stories that you probably shouldn’t care about either.

Signing off.