Have you ever been watching television, enjoying some soft core porn your favorite family friendly sitcom, when it was interrupted by not only a commercial, but the stupidest commercial in the world?
It’s happened to all of us at one time or another sure. But, isn’t there a point where it’s just gone too far? Shouldn’t there be a limit to the stupidity that is television advertising. Don’t get us wrong, we love a good commercial. But, we hate the bad ones.
Don’t get us wrong, we think marine animals are great. Nothing cuter than a dolphin doing whatever it is a dolphin does. But, at the airport? No thanks. Unless that dolphin is going to bring some coffee and donuts while we wait for our flight to board. That’s cool then. Maybe a mermaid flight attendant, now that’d be hot.
The Commercial: “Maybe it’s Chapstick for Your Head”
It basically looks as if the woman in the commercial is using chap stick on her forehead. Maybe that’s what this product is. Perhaps it’s lip balm for a dry and irritated forehead. You know, from wearing a hat or a wool sock cap too long. The only thing worse than an itchy forehead is an itchy ass… we need “Ass On.”
It looks like the audience at the end of this ridiculous commercial are pretty much in the same boat as us. Asking the question… “Huh?” Seriously, what the hell do unicorns and leprachauns have to do with smoking? We could probably buy into this if, and only if, Puff the Magic Dragon was in on it, “puff”ing away at a cigarette.
Despite how awesome the dude at the beginning of the commercial is, this spot for Vitamin Water falls just short of making us want to buy water. It’s sad really, because the product is great, flavored water makes regular water taste like bleh. We’d shower in the stuff if it wasn’t a dollar a bottle. Even so, we still think about it.
We love burgers. We don’t love people in burger suits. This just seems like a feeble attempt at Burger King to capitalize on the success McDonald’s had with Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac. Besides, what appeal does an asshole Burger/Human Hybrid freak child have, certainly doesn’t make us hungry.
This Thanksgiving, hundreds of thousands of people will be heading to a place they just don’t want to be heading. It could be the in-laws home; an aunt you don’t really know very well’s house; or a friend of your friend’s place who’s is “having some people over so you should come.” No matter where it is or what situation you find yourself in, you’re probably going to be some sort of miserable. That’s okay, thousands of people will be joining you in exactly the same situations.
That’s why we’re here. To help you out with this little guide we like to call…
“How To Survive Thanksgiving”
The guide will take you through some well thought out quickly pieced together and designed kinda thrown together steps to ensure that you come out on the other end of Thanksgiving no worse for wear. For example, did you know that there’s some really hot cooks on Food Network? Use Thanksgiving as an excuse to check them out!
Keep in mind that some of these steps might not be available to you depending on your particular circumstances, feel free to improvise.
Sure, you could try to make it through the holiday season, a bunch of the people and their good cheer, and all of the other bullshit, perfectly sober. But, do you really want to try? Why would you, when there’s so many wonderful ways out there that make it easy to wash away your worries, and still be considered festive. We of course mean, getting drunk.
Vodka is an old standby. It’s one of the only alcohols that doesn’t make you smell like a booze bucket, and it mixes with anything. Keep a flask handy. Hell, keep a bottle handy. But, although the smell isn’t obvious, being so drunk you can’t stand up is very obvious. Use caution.
Another option is festive holiday beers. There’s a number of beer companies that offer seasonal options. Try a few, and claim that you’re just trying to get into the holiday spirit by sampling some holiday cheer.
There’s a reason it’s on during a National Holiday. Because our founding fathers knew how bad it would suck to be sitting in a crowded living room full of people you only see two times a year without some form of entertainment. Thus, football on Thanksgiving.
It’s perfectly acceptable to spend the entire time watching the games, because odds are, there will be other people watching them as well. Mostly men, but that’s cool. These other guys are probably just like you. Trying to get through the day so they can get back to their favorite chair at home with a drink and the remote.
If anyone says anything to you like: “Hey could you help us carry out the trash?” You can answer sincerely that, no, you can not. You are busy catching up with… (what’s your name) …busy catching up with Frank.
It’s an old classic, and one that you’ve been participating in every since you were a kid. Although, back then, you probably didn’t even realize you were participating. Odds are that when you were little, you were fat/nerdy/clumsy/stupid/naive or all of the above. And you better bet, that your older cousins, your uncles, and the guy your sister brought with her were all laughing at you.
Now it’s your turn. Make sure you choose your victim carefully. First of all, don’t pick out someone who is providing the meal. Just like at a restaurant, if you mess with the cook, they’re gonna spit in your food. Also, don’t single out anyone bigger than you. Sure, that kid may be a porker, but he outweighs you by 70 pounds, and he’s got a temper.
When you begin the ridicule, keep it down. The last thing you need is your mom overhearing you making fun of someone. She’ll revert right back into that scary lady who beat you with an ironing board when you were little.
Do you honestly think the 6 to 8 guys that pass out around the house on Thanksgiving Day are sleepy because of some “drug” in turkey? Well, they’re sleepy because of some drug, but it’s not in the turkey. It’s in the medicine cabinet.
Sleeping aids are cheap, and they’re fast. Designed to help those that have trouble falling asleep at night, they’re equally effective at helping you fall asleep in the middle of the day in a crowded loud household. One or two should do the trick. Don’t take too many, the last thing you need is to sleep through the night and have to do this all over again the next day.
Please keep in mind that you should not mix option #4 with option #1. This will lead to some crazy nightmares, sleep walking, and most likely people messing with you. That classic prank where someone fills up your hand with shaving cream and tickles your nose works just as well with Cool Whip and pumpkin pie.
This is a wide open option for anyone that is bored on Thanksgiving. The Macy’s Parade generally lasts 3 hours or so. During that time you can place bets on any number of things. And be sure to include all of the major networks, every channel has it’s own fun to offer.
Bets might include, what hosts will incorrectly pronounce a star’s name, or what band will be lip syncing. Place wagers on who the sexiest star in the parade is, or maybe who’s the most washed up celebrity. What floats will be back from last year, and what floats will either hit a building or pull away from the handlers.
Perhaps placing bets with this group of family and strangers your sitting around with will help you to at least break even on the money you spent for gas and that store-bought pumpkin pie you brought.
Whatever situation you’re in this Thanksgiving Holiday, just keep in mind that you more than likely have it better than most people in the world. Sure, you may not like your family much, but at least you have a family. And although you hate turkey, at least you have food. And in the whole scheme of things, what’s one day out of a year to do what someone else wants.
Giada De Laurentiis – Host of Everyday Italian on Food Network
Giada is a total babe, and if she wasn’t cooking up yummy stuff on tv, she could easily be on the cover of magazines and billboards. Born in Italy, she’s that really gorgeous foreign chick that you dream about being stranded on a deserted island with.
Rachael Ray – Host of 30 Minute Meals and Tasty Travels on Food Network
Rachael is easily the most popular person to have ever cooked anything, she has magazines, television shows, talk shows, and she’s a hottie. She’s like the girl next door that enjoyed watching football and didn’t mind getting her hands dirty eating ribs, or making out.
Cat Cora – A Chef from Iron Chef America on Food Network
Cat easily hold her own against the other Iron Chefs, and that’s why she scares us. She’s hard nosed, tough as nails, and at the end of each competition, shares shots with her team. Not that you’d mind taking shots with her, party chicks are always fun, especially good looking ones.
Ingrid Hoffman – Host of Simply Delicioso on Food Network
Ingrid is no doubt Muy Caliente! Bringing a hispanic flair to Food Network, she makes you want to grab a bottle of tequila, a bunch of limes, and a shaker of salt and hit the beach for a good time. Swimwear is optional for any attractive people.
Sandra Lee – Host of Semi-Homemade on Food Network
Sandra probably reminds a lot of you of your friend’s hot mom. That’s cool, she’s smokin’, and no one will disagree. Best part of her show is that she’s always mixing up cocktails for any meal, even breakfast. Gives you the impression that she’s “open minded” if you know what we mean.
It’s a fact of life that medicine is a part of our lives from the minute we’re born. We’re given antibiotics and vaccinations before we even leave the hospital.
What the hell is that?
Everytime we have a runny nose, stomach ache, or elevated temperature, our Moms are tossing nasty tasting stuff down our throats. It only get’s better as we get old, the elderly pretty much live on a diet of pills.
Yum!
But, man, some of these medicines have some pretty scary warnings. It’s not a matter of “which ones” either, because pretty much every medicine that does anything, has a warning, side effect, or caution that would give anyone the heebie jeebies. Sure, it might cure your itchy bug bite, but if it can also turn your hair green you might think twice.
Can barely feel the itch anymore!
Here’s some common Medicines That Have The Freakiest Warnings, enjoy!
What It Does: Treats Asthma and Long-Term Lung Disease
Why It’s On This List: “WARNING: LONG-ACTING BETA-AGONISTS SUCH AS SALMETEROL, AN INGREDIENT IN THIS MEDICINE, HAVE BEEN RARELY ASSOCIATED WITH AN INCREASED RISK OF ASTHMA-RELATED DEATH.”
No, we didn’t choose to capitalize all of those letters just to put emphasis on how scary that warning is. An asthma medicine that kills people with an asthma related death. Now wait a minute. Where’d the go wrong in the planning of this? We’re not doctors, but surely a medicine should do the opposite of what the disease does, right? That’s like saying, “Sure Mr. Smith, we can help with your Alligator problem, we’re just gonna line the perimeter of your home with a moat filled with Crocodiles.”
Hey, all of the gators are gone, you can come out now.
Why It’s On This List: “SOME PATIENTS TAKING THIS MEDICINE have performed certain activities while they were not fully awake. These have included sleep-driving, making and eating food, making phone calls, and having sex. Patients often do not remember these events after they happen.”
So this is a like the equivalent of getting totally trashed out of your mind. Alcohol also makes you very sleepy. People also tend to think they can still drive, they get hungry, they drunk dial, and they have sex. They also never remember any of that happening.
No I’m not drunk… she is, but I’m fine… seriously.
Why It’s On This List: “FOR MEN: If you experience a prolonged, painful erection, stop using this medicine and seek immediate medical attention or permanent problems could occur.”
The best part is that the company felt the need to say, “Hey, this warning is for guys only.” As if a woman would be reading the back of her medicine bottle, see that she might indeed suffer a hurtful hard-on, and throw the medicine away. It’s frightening that something so awesome, boner; could be paired with something so terrible, prolonged pain. But, perhaps the scariest part of this warning. “Permanent problems could occur.” That gives us goosebumps, because the problems hinted at here, are for guys only. And the only thing guys have that women don’t, is something that we never, EVER want to have permanent problems with.
You may feel a little discomfort while taking this medicine.
Why It’s On This List: “CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience sharp or crushing chest pain; sudden shortness of breath; sudden leg pain; sudden severe headache, vomiting, dizziness, or fainting; changes in vision; numbness of an arm or leg; slurred speech; one-sided weakness; sudden unexplained weight gain; change in amount of urine produced; severe or persistent stomach pain; vomit that looks like coffee grounds; black tarry stools; itching, reddened, swollen, blistered, painful, or peeling skin; yellowing of the skin or eyes; dark urine; right-sided tenderness; severe or persistent tiredness; fever, chills, or sore throat; severe or persistent nausea; swelling of hands, ankles, feet, face, lips, eyes, throat, or tongue; difficulty swallowing or breathing; or hoarseness.”
Holy Shit! We just wanted to get rid of this little headache we have from drinking too much last night. Now we run the risk of having just about every possible side effect known to man happening to us. From a little pill. Throw that whole bottle away now! Let the raccoons deal with it.
Why It’s On This List: “CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience a missed menstrual period; breast lump or discharge; calf or leg pain, swelling, or tenderness; change in amount of urine produced; chest pain or heaviness; confusion; coughing up blood; fainting; irregular heartbeat; left-sided jaw, neck, shoulder, or arm pain; mental or mood changes (such as depression); numbness of an arm or leg; one-sided weakness; persistent, severe, or recurring headache or dizziness; severe stomach pain or tenderness; slurred speech; sudden severe vomiting; sudden shortness of breath; symptoms of liver problems (such as yellowing of the skin or eyes, fever, dark urine, pale stools, loss of appetite); unusual or severe vaginal bleeding; or vision changes (such as sudden vision loss, double vision).”
We’re not normally one to judge, but, in this case we feel obligated. This might be a case where it’d be better to use a condom. A condom might cause a little awkward moment before doing the deed. Yaz however, will cause you to cough up blood, give you stroke like symptoms, and possibly make you go blind. Best part is, birth control pills are only 99% effective. So, on top of all this, you might still get a kid… yay!
No, I don’t think it’s mine… doesn’t have my eyes.
Why It’s On This List: “SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include blurred vision, constipation, decreased sexual desire or ability, diarrhea, dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, headache, increased sweating, loss of appetite, muscle aches, nausea, sore throat, tiredness, trouble sleeping, or vomiting. CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience bizarre behavior; confusion; excessive sweating; dark urine; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; fever or chills; hallucinations; loss of coordination; new or worsening agitation, anxiety, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, restlessness, or inability to sit still; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin.”
First of, none of these possible side effects is going to help anyone that already suffers from a problem with depression and anxiety. Can you imagine the Doctor that has the balls to say to his patient: “Jim, I realize you are having trouble dealing with crowded places and the stress involved. That’s why I want to give you this medicine. Sure, there’s a slight chance you might have “…new or worsening agitation, anxiety, panic attacks…” but that’s fine. Because you’ll also be bombarded with new found “…aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility…” so it should all turn out just fine next time you head to the mall.
Making ends meet is never an easy task. Even for those with College Degrees, Special Training, and Dedication, finding a way to pay the bills is sometimes next to impossible. But, what if we were to tell you that there are people making a decent living, and they’re doing it without jobs? No, we’re not talking about whores. Whoring is an occupation, just ask your mother. We’re talking about…
Heck, it’s the one job you’ve been training for since middle school!
Sperm Donor Class of ’88
And the opportunities are only as limited as your own libido. For just a couple minutes of their time a typical donor can net around $100 for an Anonymous donation and up to $500 for an Open I.D. donation. Keep in mind that compensation is based strictly upon the region, individual bank, and of course whether or not you’re ugly. Open I.D. donors have accessible files that clients can look into online to see whether or not her future baby daddy was a cute baby, has dark hair, or claims the I.Q. of a small dog.
The process is fairly simple. A back round check of you and your immediate family will guarantee that you aren’t a freak show, and basic health screenings will prove that you can physically handle the gauntlet of porn they’re about to throw you into. That’s right, these folks want your semen, and they’re making it easy for you to fulfill their desires by putting you in a nice quiet room with a bunch of porn. See, you’re getting turned on already and we haven’t even shown you to the room.
Check in, do the deed, and deliver your sample to the nurse’s face. Nah, you’ll drop it off at the check out desk where you can make your appointment for the next week. That’s right, the Sperm Bank of New England tells us that it is required that donors make deposits every week, and are encouraged to come in every 3 days! Some donors are known to donate to more than one sperm bank every week and they are thus able to secure a reasonable monthly income, around $4000. With more than 500 sperm banks in the U.S. an extra randy fellow could travel and donate to several each day. At even $100 a load (get it, load!), and shortages of qualified donors, your willy could net you hundreds of thousands a year.
But, the donation gravy train doesn’t end with sperm. Women too can get in on the action by donating eggs. And we’re more than a little jealous at the money opportunities here. Supply and demand however plays a major role in ability for a woman to receive between $5,000 and $10,000 per Cycle.
It’s also encouraged that you refer a friend, family member, or co-worker to receive a nice $750 bonus. If you’re like us and have a lot of friends, well, you’re set to clean up.
And it seems that new issues pop up every day where Donor Dads are getting into trouble. Just last December a case went to court where a Sperm Donor was forced into paying for child support. So, if you went for the bigger check and chose Open I.D. Donation, get ready to have your life ruined in 18 years when you have to send your 900 kids to college.
Street Entertainers-Potential Income $25,000 A Year
We’ve all seen guy with a guitar hanging out by the subway station with his case opened before him. And you’ve probably dropped a quarter in feeling sorry for the poor homeless man. But, don’t let the sad song he’s playing fool you. He’s just doing his job as a busker. And that job can pay anywhere from $10 to $20 an hour depending on how good the he is and where he’s located. Most of that income is had on busy nights people are out seeking entertainment on the town.
World Famous Johnnie Mac has dedicated himself to the future of Street Entertaining and has written a book on the subject. “The Art of Successful Busking” covers everything from what to do, where to do it, to of course proper placement of your tip jar/hat/bucket. Johnnie tells us on his website that he’s been a street performer for over 15 years, and during that time he has succeeded in “traveling the world, meeting amazing people, making new friends, getting job offers in the entertainment industry, and living the life of my dreams.” And the best part in his mind was the fact that he was “making a fortune… in fact, more than triple what I was making in the job I left behind. In many cases I was making 5-6 times what my friends were were making and doing it in a much shorter time.”
Of course not everyone is going to make it big right away, but, for many, busking is a means to an end. A step toward stardom. The Blue Man Group, Jimmy Buffet, Pierce Brosnan, George Burns, Bob Hope, Jewel, Jimmy Page, Penn and Teller, Rod Stewart, Simon and Garfunkel, Bob Dylan, and Robin Williams all started their entertainment careers on the streets.
This is none of the people listed above but he’s probably loaded.
Even Moby, who is labeled as a mainstream artist, takes to the street from time to time to pay homage to busking roots. He recently performed a show in the Sloane Square Subway Station in London. Local travelers, tourists, and homeless alike were all equally annoyed.
Street entertainers have been around for a long time and there’s plenty of ways of making a living no matter what your talent is: playing instruments, miming, performing comedy routines, fortune telling, and the ever popular living statue. There it is, the perfect job for your deadbeat roommate!
“Hey this chick’s great! But the guy could use a little work.”
It’s perfectly legal in most places as long as you don’t interfere with traffic and business. But, where you don’t have to fight the community, conflicts and fights over pitch do happen. Career buskers may try to maintain a “right of pitch” over others. Generally it is considered first come, first served. But, And there’s even a sort of “Busker Code” that street entertainers follow which basically states “This is my street corner, and if you try and set up shop here, I’ll stab you.”
Human Guinea Pig-Potential Income $50,000 A Year
Science and health care go hand in hand. And for as long as mankind has been practicing medicine, we’ve been essentially experimenting. Kind of, crossing our fingers hoping we don’t fuck this up. But, the key to science is trial and error. For every experiment there has to be a variable and a constant. You friends, can now get paid to be that variable!
Best part is, anyone can do it. According to Covance, a large testing firm, “Volunteer compensation is based upon time and participation, thus the greater the time commitment, the higher the stipend. You will receive payment in the form of a check which can be directly deposited into your checking or savings account.”
Those checks can really add up too. One current study that consisted of two stays of 2 days/1 night showed that participants will receive all study-related exams at no cost and will receive $1,500 for time and participation. Not bad for a couple days work. Covance has Test Centers in Indiana, California, Wisconsin, Texas, and several other states.
If taking pills isn’t your thing, many medical schools like Georgetown and the University of Kentucky have programs that allow civilians to become a “standardized patient”—a trained person who is paid $15 an hour to be poked and prodded by inexperienced fingers. By using this method, students have the opportunity to make life hell for people that aren’t sick and get the training they need at the same time.
The history of the human guinea pigs first finds root in recorded history around 300 B.C. A couple of fellas named Herophilos and Erasistratus are credited with the establishment of the first great medical school in Alexandria. Both men were instrumental in the discovery of the workings of the human body including the circulatory system, the eyes, and the nervous system. With the addition of being great scientists, many believe them to also be great murderers. Their patients were prisoners that were vivisected against their will.
“Hey, Herophilos look. This dude is also really gross on the inside.”
Of course, things have gotten better today right?
“Last week, six very healthy men suddenly wound up in a London hospital in critical condition.”
Well, other than that.
“Earlier this month, 11 otherwise well people tested positive for tuberculosis, according to Montreal’s health department.”
And that.
Truth is, studies today are much safer than they’ve ever been, and are essential because the use of animal testing is limited by the fact that the test subjects are animals. And it doesn’t matter how many cute outfits we put them in, that fact remains.
Sure, he may be an executive, but he’s still a monkey.
Begging- Potential Income $100,000 A Year
Sure, begging isn’t anybody’s cup of tea, and it’s certainly nothing you’d want to brag about at your class reunion. But, when the possibility arises to make money for nothing, you know you want a piece. How does $300 a day sound? That’s exactly how much a police survey found panhandlers outside Wal-Mart in Coos Bay, Oregon can make. Inside, it takes a clerk a week to make that much. The Police Chief in Coos Bay says that most of these people have lived in the city for some time, and even have homes. “This is just their chosen profession.” We’re pretty sure that if this whole internet thing falls through, we know what to fall back on.
We almost feel bad for even bringing up begging as an employment opportunity. That was right up until we saw this news story.
The news piece goes behind the scenes, and by scenes we mean around the corner with a camera, to spy on a girl who panhandles for a living. Her gimmick is that she was living with her boyfriend and he kicked her out. Now she just needs to raise a little money to buy a bus ticket to get back home. Sad story huh? Would you like to send her some money to help her out? Shouldn’t be a problem since she lives in a fucking house. When the reporter asks her about her living situation, she says “Man, you just don’t know what it’s like.” At least she’s honest. We don’t know what it’s like to scam someone.
The camera crew interviews passerby’s who have given her money, and they figure up that her potential income could be around $27,000. Yeah, we know it’s crazy, we did the research! Just to give you a comparison, according to Careers-in-finance.com, the starting salary for a Credit Analyst with a Bachelor’s Degree: $27,000.
But the panhandling job market isn’t limited to America. The options are wide open if you want to travel as well. Russian journalists discovered a whole village of panhandlers, in the Republic of Mordovia. Local specialists say that Naiman panhandlers can make up to 40,000 rubles a month (about $2,500).
In case you’re thinking of picking up a new career, please check out this handy “How to Guide for Panhandling.” The guide covers everything from swallowing pride and location to the importance of cleanliness and sending Christmas gifts out to your regular suckers, err…benefactors.
Dumpster Diving-Potential Income $100,000+ A Year
The “art” of Dumster Diving is the only job from this list that hosts a site dedicated to it’s craft, that is for Members Only, Dumsterworld.com. Dumpster divers are a proud bunch, and that’s because they don’t want you in on it. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure; and in this case, their bankroll.
The true prize of dumpster diving is scrap material. Many metals are selling at all time highs on the market. Copper, Steel, Iron, Aluminum, and Tin all fetch fair prices at recycling stations and scrap yards. According to the City of Cincinatti Ohio’s Recycling website, Americans discard 2 million tons of aluminum cans a year. That’s 4 billion pounds, half of which you probably tossed in beer cans just last week. A pound of aluminum is currently worth 97 cents. That’s approximately $3,880,000,000 in potential income. How’s that for an answer to the National Debt? Sure, the average Dumpster Diver will never be able to gather all of those cans. Unless they’re some giant trash gathering monster, and if that’s the case, they might want to look into world domination as a profession.
The keen eye of a Dumpster Diver can locate discarded items that add up to big dollar signs that others see no use for and turn a profit on those items. It’s all a matter of need really. It’s things like old computers, entertainment equipment, furniture, and most importantly scrap metals that will bring in the most profit for a diver of dumpsters.
Jackpot Bitches!
The truth is, everything has value if you have a buyer. Petroleum wasn’t worth a dime until the modern machinery found it’s way into the world. Many divers find items that have been discarded and are still usable. Sure, you may not need that vibrator anymore, but a dumpster diver probably has someone on their Christmas list that does!
Other Dumpster Divers turn trash into art. The folks at Scrapyard Sculptures turn scrap metal into art. The artists sell action figures, lawn art, and more on their website. The items are built from mostly discarded scrap metal and the average item sells for around $20. Some high ticket items sell for a couple hundred.
Whether it be jerking off, singing a song, running on a human sized hamster wheel, bothering your neighbors for cash, or sifting through the trash for tin can, there are lots of creative ways to make ends meet. Sure, none of them are something you’d want to mention you do to that person you’re dating… but if it means the difference between driving a Hugo or a Hummer, the argument’s already been decided. We for one are gonna head to our “office” and make a “deposit” at the “bank”.
